You are Enough, Period.

A few weeks ago, my head was just absolutely spinning. Granted, school was still in session so I was teaching full time, on top of wearing the many other hats that I wear. I had a ton of deadlines for posting for several collaborations, was having writers' block, and I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't keep my head above the water. I try to have at least one phone conversation a day with my mom and I remember telling her, "I'm missing Grandma and feeling a little envious of what her life looked like."

You see, my Grandma was born in 1913. She lived to be 100-years old and she didn't live in an age of social media, Internet, cell phones or digital cameras. She worked with her hands in a garden that she and my Grandpa grew, she cooked all their meals, baked hundreds of pies, and cleaned the house the old fashioned way: with a mop and giant bucket of soapy water. She wasn't then, completely distracted with a million other things that were going on in the world. Life was about caring for her family and loving the people around her well. She went to church every single Sunday, as well as every mid-week service. She mothered many children, and Grandmothered TONS more. My mom says that she can't remember a single time that my Grandma ever complained or said something negative. 

But life now, well, it looks different doesn't it? The roles of women have changed immensely (and thank the Lord, because I personally live in a household where the MAN cooks and helps out so often!) I dedicate a lot of my time to taking pictures, working with other companies in collaborations and sponsorships, and with everything else going on, I usually have to write myself an actual list of things that need to get done or I would absolutely, positively forget. Sometimes my head is so cloudy, my eyes so blurry, that I actually close them and think about how Grandma would do things. 

Would she care about her followers on Instagram? 

Would she fixate her thoughts on toxic friends or relationships? 

Would she panic when someone unfriended her on Facebook? 

Would she doubt herself or tell herself that she wasn't good enough? 

What do you think? NEVER?! Because if so, you're right. My Grandma's eyes were always fixed on Jesus and the Cross and ensuring that she and her family made it to Heaven. Her life was like a bubbling creek, echoing only the soothing sounds of her peaceful world. Did things in her life ever go wrong? Of course. She lost many of her own children before she passed away, she experienced heartache, hurt, and lived without her husband for twenty-six years. But none of that stopped her. 

So recently my husband and I were able to go away on a short and much needed vacation. We woke and rose out of bed only when we wanted to, had as many cups of coffees in our pajamas as we wanted before deciding to get dressed and make plans for the day. We spent several nights in the darkness down by the sea, as the stars glowed around us and we heard nothing but the gentle tide escaping the sand. We didn't have obligations, there was no one around who physically or emotionally needed us. Our children were at home, being well-loved and cared for by the people that we trust. And because of this simplicity, everything for the first time in forever, just felt right.

But the second I woke this morning, my first day back in reality, I found myself feeling a similar array of distraught emotions. I felt a tinge of sadness, overwhelmed and began questioning myself. After several cups of coffee and playing with my incredibly joyful children, this made me stop and ask myself, "Who told you that you have to live a life of shoulds? Who tells you that you have to go and do and chase Earthly things, instead of simply taking life slowly and breathing in your Creator? Does your mind have to be cloudy simply because you aren't waking up on a beach? Do your eyes have to be hazy because you aren't allowing yourself peaceful sleep?" 

Lara Casey says it so well in her book Make it Happen: "Maybe a purposeful life means you'll have fewer followers on social media because you aren't glued to your phone as much anymore. Maybe you'll get out in your garden, or paint, or have a long coffee date with someone and build a lasting connection...When we stop chasing those impossible standards and surrender our fears, we become TRULY productive in what matters. We experience genuine fulfillment, an imperfect yet intentional life, driven by a clear core purpose." 

How many of you are there with me? Do you let life clutter your brain? Do you find yourself wondering if you are loved, or if you are worth someone's friendship? Do you bog yourself down with check-lists and overcommitment? Do you allow trivial worries to wreck your happiness? Well today I am standing with you and cautioning you to please stop. You are worth more than all of that, you are deserving of so much more and simply put: YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

I can't wait to write more about our beach trip, about the many lessons that it taught me and what I learned during our four days away, but in the mean time, please know that I believe in you. I say it often and I'll say it again, I think social media is weird. I believe that there is a lot of good that comes with it, like positive friendships with people from all over the world, that it brings a sense of community and introduces us to some seriously great individuals. But if we let it, it also does a great job at ripping us apart from one another. I can't tell you how many times I have questioned someone's love for me based on their caption, how I have considered deleting my account and 'getting off the grid.' But I daily choose to use it to share my story, as a space to write my words and use my voice. To document life and show ya'll the messy but beautiful obstacles my family overcomes. 

How are you feeling this Monday afternoon? Do you feel revitalized from a refreshing weekend? Have you had an inspiring quiet time that you want to share? Or do you feel too bogged down, too uninspired, and you're in need of a quick prayer and huge hug? Share in the comments below because I LOVE hearing from you! Or shoot me an e-mail! Wherever you are, I'm here praying and cheering you on! 

Dear Self, Why Don't You Love Me?

Disclaimer: Photo is not *me,* this is from a recent boudoir session I was honored to do

I recently sent an up close screen shot (of myself) to my husband with the text, "I have such a bad, droopy eye! And the most wrinkled, saggy under-eyes I've ever seen.." (My poor husband had to respond to this, but that's another blog post for another time.) 

You've done this before, right? Taken a selfie with one of your friends, or kids, or simply by yourself, only to zoom it in, and cringe because of the many imperfections that you see? Or in my case, emotionally throw up on your loved one about how terrible you look and feel.

I will tell you all day long how gorgeous and radiant you are. And I believe every damn ounce. But then why can't I believe the same about myself? Just like you are yours, I am my own worst critic.

As a photographer, I have discovered that one of my absolute favorite sessions to shoot is boudoir. I have had a lot of extremely different women, all trust ME, as they stand on the opposite side of camera, allowing me to photograph them in their most bare and vulnerable moments. "How do you do it?" someone asked me. "How do you help make them feel comfortable enough in their own skin to trust you?" That answer was easy: I just strive for realness. When they talk to me about their struggles with their appearance, or about how they are not at the ideal weight that they had hoped to be, I lavish them with compliments and affirmation. Not because I'm faking it--but because I sincerely mean every ounce of what I tell them. 

I've photographed everything, from the Mom Bod, to the Crossfit, to the Body Builder, to the Perky Nineteen-Year Old. Each and every one of them showed me how gorgeous they are on the outside, but more profoundly, I've found that each of them had their own battles with insecurities. I found myself photographing these beautiful women, thinking how LUCKY these women are to look like THIS. And then it hit me hard, all women, no matter how gorgeous, talented, smart, wealthy, creative they are, deep down inside, are their own worst critic. We stand in our own way.

This all starts at a shockingly too young age. We hit the age of adolescence and we start noticing things--things about ourselves that we just don't like. I didn't have too many weight insecurities as a kid but boy did I have some acne. In high school I would call my mom from the bathroom stall and just cry about how I wanted to come home. Come junior year when I could actually drive, I would occasionally leave; all because I couldn't stand the internal voices that screamed at me upon entering those fluorescent restrooms: 'You are not good enough. Your friends have beautiful skin. Your face is red and ugly.'  Through many years of trial and error and lots of potent medications, I was able to get my acne under grip. And as I've aged, I've been able to train my mentality into believing that a zit or two just isn't THAT big of a deal. But now the voices of self-doubt have discovered my other weaknesses.

Some say I've been blessed with great genes (which yes, I suppose you could say I have!) I come from a pretty long line of healthy people and my mom is only a couple of inches taller then me. We're a smaller family, smaller boned, petite framed. But after I had kids and the Postpartum Thyroiditis leveled off, my body plateaued at the weight it's currently at, and it hasn't budged in almost three years. I've heard some of my friends joke, 'After summer vacation, I'm going to look like ASHLEY!' 'Don't do that!' I've said. And in my head I am quietly envying their beautiful curves, their butt that they've deemed 'too big,' their hips they declare too curvy. They see me and they see, 'tiny/small/skinny/cute/petite,' and I look at them and see, 'curvy/blessed/sexy/more beautiful.' I'm sure if we could all pick and choose and hand select exactly how we wanted to be build, we would. And then at the end of the day, we would STILL find fault with those choices! We look to our left and right and we see one thing: women who we see as BETTER than ourselves. 

My hope is to launch a series here where I shout out LOTS of amazing women that I know. To photograph them, tell their story, and to show ya'll why they really and truly are just incredible super-stars, period. We as a whole, are really fricken amazing, but I'm right there with you when someone extends compliments: I struggle to believe them. My husband (who is the sweetest and most loving man on the planet), tries to reassure my doubtful and insecure self often, but at a fancy dinner on my 28th birthday, he brought tears to my eyes with this:

"When looking at who you are, where you've been, how you've grown, you really just astound me. Small town girl, college educated, Masters degree in special education. You dedicate your life to educating the emotional and behavioral challenged. You have started two businesses and are successfully managing both. What's more important, is that you have a beautiful home filled with love and laughter because you have birthed and are raising two awesome children. You find the time to be a loving wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. You are a kick ass woman that wears all of this success with humility, dignity, and grace. You have stayed grounded in who you are and have never lost sight of God's blessings in your life."  

You too, have had affirmations such as this. You're either dating or married, or you're single and you have tons of people who love and support you. But yet we look around and we wonder, "Am I enough?" We see pictures of ourselves and think, "I have so much to fix." You are guilty of taking fifty-five selfies only by the last one, to still be unhappy with the way you look. But next to you, you have someone saying, "You are SO beautiful. Your hair is amazing. Your eye color is just gorgeous. You have the best arms. You are such an excellent mother, sister, daughter, friend. You are so smart and creative, you are driven and passionate. You are exactly who God created you to BE and He is SO proud of you..." 

When will the truths outweigh the lies? When will you, when will I, start liking ourselves? 

Hello, Boyhood!

Summer vacation is FINALLY here and we are so excited for what these months will bring! Truth be told though, I am struggling with one part of it: my sweet first born will be turning four in just a few short weeks. When Pierson was a newborn, we received a beautiful plaque from one of my husband's friends. It read: "Nonsense. Young boys should never be sent to bed. They always wake up a day older, and then before you know it, they're grown." -J.M. Barrie

Well, little did I know how true of words these were. I feel as if we brought him home yesterday and here we are...saying goodbye to his toddler years! So for parents with babies, this one's for you. If you have a toddler, wonderful! People tell me, "The best is yet to come," and while I'm convinced they say that just to be empathetic and sweet, I have found that my heart loves my children more each day. I don't know how that's possible, since the love currently residing there is so powerful, but I'm hopeful that the moments ahead of us are going to be just as beautiful. 

I'm often asked what I love about the ages and stages of my children. I've said it before, but I will never believe anyone who says that "two is the worst." I'm sorry if you've had a different experience, but our son was so much FUN at two. My daughter, who is the prime of two currently, is continuing this fact for us that this age is just magical. So what's three? I've written a post here before called, 'In the Trenches with a Threenager,' and I meant every word. For a few short (felt like never-ending) months, Pierson was r-o-u-g-h. The tantrums, the whininess, the complaints and the indecisiveness. But when those moments passed, out came the sweetest, most endearing and polite child I could have ever prayed for! This kid has been saying 'I love you' on repeat, explaining to me all the reasons why he loves his house, his pets, his new bunkbeds (thank you, Walker Edison Furniture!!!) and his family. He's always said great prayers, but now he lays in the bottom bunk, and goes into such great detail about who and what he is thankful for. With the days passing quickly, he seems so much older, so much more grown. A few nights ago we snuggled together and with a flashlight, did numerous shadow puppets on the bed above us. He giggled so loudly and then wrapped his arms around my neck as he said, "Mom, I love you SO much." So guess what? Now I am convinced... three is my favorite. 

But wait, two is my favorite too! And I loved the newborn stage, the baby stage, the twelve month stage, so perhaps after all, I have just loved it ALL? Moms of older or grown children, right now you are nodding with me. You might also be thinking, "This lady is a little crazy, but she's right. Every single stage you will love your children more and more." Pierson's toddler years are almost gone. He looks forward to turning four and has been asking repeatedly for a sleepover in his new bunkbed with the cousins. He loves all things Avengers and can't wait to have a 'Captain America cake and balloons,' (his requests.)

Parents who fear the 'threenager year,' please don't. People will tell you that the terrible two's are hardly survivable and that three is even worse. These years, they are so fleeting and in the blink of an eye, you will be holding your almost 4-year old saying, "Where did this time GO?" I remember his crib and I remember lying silently beside it when he was a tiny babe falling asleep. The transition to a 'big boy bed' came so fast, it was the month after he turned two. His twin bed felt so enormous to me and when I saw him there, sitting proudly in the middle of it, I held back tears as I cheered him on. Over the last year he has been a huge fan of Peppa Pig and in the cartoon, she has a bunkbed. "Maybe I can get a bunkbed, Mom!" he would say. When the opportunity arose to work with Walker Edison, I couldn't pass it up. And when the box arrived on our front porch, I thought Pierson was going to lose his ever-loving mind with excitement. Within two hours, my husband had it up and ready to be slept on and I thought, "Here we go again. Hold your tears back, Mama." 

Life looks different now. My children no longer need me the way in which they did as babies, but you all know this. And they do still need me to read them books and sing them lullabies. They need me to cuddle under the covers (or for my daughter's sake who Lord help me, hasn't been transitioned to a big bed yet)--in the rocking chair. They need me to pray with them and teach them, walk beside them and laugh with them. June 15, this awesome kid is turning four, but my heart is open wide to the adventures that await with this new and exciting age. I'll hold tightly the years behind us, and I'm giving a huge HELLO to his boyhood. 

*A sincere special thanks to Walker Edison Furniture for this collaboration and your beautiful bunkbeds! We are so in love!!*

Backwards Compliments and What NOT to Say

Photo by: Aubrey Renee

You are gorgeous, for being forty! 
She looks SO good, for having had kids! 
For not getting much sleep, you look pretty good! 
You look really great, for being pregnant.

Compliments. They're fun and we all love getting them, right? They make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside, they light up our day and we remember them when we're in a slump. But what happens when a compliment sounds more like an insult? When you are told something that was potentially supposed to flatter you, but that leaves you stewing instead?

Recently I got a message from a sweet friend venting about a backwards compliment she had been given. She wanted to know if she was reading too much in to what was said. I thought about what that person had told her and ultimately decided, no... she wasn't internally overreacting and I can see 100% why instead of being flattered, she was offended. There was a time that I appreciated weird compliments, such as, "You look so young but you'll appreciate that when you're older!" or "For being so young, you act so mature." Now here I am, two kids later, approaching thirty, and these backwards compliments just irk me.

Having kids doesn't ruin a woman. It changes us, sure. But not ruin. Women after kids are allowed to wear the skin they have however they choose. I didn't choose to have Postpartum Thyroiditis which kicked my butt weight wise, and I didn't choose the loose skin now present on my belly. But I can choose to work my butt off, aim for realistic goals and see what happens (maybe I'll get killer abs someday and maybe I won't?) So do I look good [for having had kids] or do I just look good, period? I'm not even asking literally here, Lord knows I don't really want your opinion about my appearance via the Internet.

So the point is, I have two kids. My friend who contacted me, she has two kids too! She has always been fit and athletic, she's gorgeous, and she's a kickass woman, period. So does she look beautiful [for having had two kids?] Or is she just gorgeous, period? My vote is the latter. And the same with other crazy weird compliments too. My current least favorite is this one: 'Wow, she looks awesome for being forty!'

Do you know what this says to me? This says that forty is old. And oh my GOSH, forty is NOT OLD. Congratulations though, you have now made me terrified to TURN forty. Because is forty my end-point? Do women stop being attractive and gorgeous, when we turn a certain number? And to who? Fifteen-year old girls who think forty is ancient? To thirty-year old males who don't check out women under twenty-five?

What if I told you, "You are so smart [for your age!"] or "You are so much fun [for being a DAD!"] Wouldn't that be weird?!

Well, so are the other stereotypes. Because the world likes to categorize us by our labels: moms, dads, young, old, fit, not fit, skinny, fat, tall, short...And guess what? I'm guilty of it too. My grandma lived to be 100-years old (seriously!!) and I'm sure at one point or another, I categorized her in the, "doing so well [for her age]" bracket. Sometimes it just slips. It's not on purpose. You're not TRYING to be a total B with your compliment to your friend, butttttt it still feels like a dig. If you don't have kids and you don't want kids, awesome! And for us moms who have one or two or ten children, we don't want to be told that we look good FOR having had the kids we did; just like you don't want to look good for [fill in the blank--never working out? Working out a lot? For being smart? Or short? Or tall?]

Guys, can we break the stereotypes? Can we make our goal to create positivity and spread sweet compliments to one another, all the mean while remembering what NOT to say??

Girl, you look GOOD. Period.
Dude, you are AWESOME. Period.
Sister, you are smokin' hot! Period.
Friend, you are so freakin fun. Period!