Seeing God in My New Diagnosis

“My skin hurts.”

I first spoke that statement years ago. I wish I could remember how many precisely, but I don’t. I just know I was working at Our Lady of Peace and I have a vivid memory of googling, “Why does my skin hurt?”

I told my husband back then (I’m going to guess 3+ years ago) that everything just hurt to the touch. So when that happened again this past November, I was put on high alert. I hadn’t remembered it being this intense. All down my shoulders, my arms, my sides, my chest, my stomach, but ESPECIALLY the back of my head and down the right side of my neck. If someone even slightly grazed my arm for instance, it would HURT. SO BAD. I scheduled myself an exam with my primary care doctor, except she wasn’t going to be in that day. I would need to see someone new. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be seen.

I went to my friend’s house (a physical therapist) the night prior to my appointment, explaining the pain to her. It was turning into almost like electrical shock type pains, where I would be fine and then BAM, voltage up and down the right side of my neck. She did a full workup, we ended up doing some dry needling in my pressure and trigger points, and I was so hopeful I would wake the next day feeling better.

It didn’t help. Which was fine, at least I had more to offer the new doctor I would be seeing. He was so kind, patient and thorough—I was shocked honestly. I told him we had met our healthcare deductible and that my mom was flagged for having an autoimmune disease, they just hadn’t located which ONE yet. I said, “Can you just check me for literally EVERYTHING?” And he DID. He ran a million blood tests [yes, that’s a stretch], checking for autoimmune flags, my thyroid, and more. He ordered an x-ray of my cervical spine and said, “I’m sure it will show nothing, and when it does, we can do an MRI.” He didn’t have an answer for me upon seeing me, but agreed it was strange and he wanted to help find an answer.

I left that day at least feeling hopeful for the tests and scans that were done. And when I woke up the next day, in more pain, with more ‘voltage’ doing down the side of my neck; I remained hopeful. Work was hard though, it was a Friday, and so many people were kind and empathetic as I would wince in pain throughout the day. They began to wonder and speculate, “Maybe it’s shingles, just without a rash?” I google, “Shingles without a rash…” and then my normal PCP called me. I presented the idea to her, ‘shingles without a rash,’ and when I described the pain, ‘burning, intense stabbing pain, some itchiness,’ she said that it COULD perhaps be that, and with it being the weekend, she was okay with prescribing me an antiviral for Shingles. Once again, I felt hopeful. Maybe it’s shingles, maybe this was the worst it was going to get. I would start antivirals, so many people said if I caught it early (shingles) and started the meds, everything would be so much better soon. The other primary doctor had also called me in Gabapentin, a nerve pain medication, so I had both of those things. I photographed a school event that evening and came home with tears forming.

The weekend came. I took my antivirals as directed. Started Gabapentin. And the pain turned into something worse than I have EVER felt. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone…I was still declaring it as ‘shingles without a rash.’ I read article after article and was convinced that is what it was:

”The symptoms of ZSH (shingles without rash) are similar to the symptoms of shingles, but without a rash. The symptoms are usually isolated to one side of the body and commonly occur on the face and neck, and in the eyes. Symptoms can also occur in the internal organs. [Website info linked here.] Typical symptoms include”:

• a painful burning sensation [ME]

• itchiness [ME]

• a feeling of numbness [ME]

• fatigue [EXHAUSTED FROM PAIN, ME]

• pain that radiates from the spine [ME, LOWER BASE OF NECK]

• sensitivity to touch [ME]

Flash forward a few days, after the pain made me hit my knees in anguish and despair; after I felt like I couldn’t possibly live through this. The doctor’s assistant called and said, “The doctor would still like to rule EVERYTHING out, are you open to getting an MRI?” Flash forward to when the pain DID stop, but slight itchiness remained. I had declared it ‘shingles without a rash,’ and thought that was it. I said yes to the cervical spine MRI, told the technician, “I’ll be shocked if you find anything,” with confidence as I left, and went about my day.

The very next day, I was driving to pick up a former student to take her to her OB appointment, my phone rang, “Baptist Eastpoint” flashing on the screen. I answered, and I’ll never be able to forget the assistant’s words…”Your MRI shows a loss of nerve insulation, which could point to MS. You’ll need a brain MRI for further testing.” I cussed, then apologized, then rapid fire I called my mom and husband relaying her words. I didn’t have time to process, I picked up my dear former student, chatted and laughed with her, and texted everyone I am close to, including my new principals, asking for prayer.

Asa took the the day off to be with me at my brain MRI appointment. I don’t think he will mind me sharing that he had a pretty good breakdown the night prior. Throughout this very fast paced journey though, I have felt peace. Peace that only come from God himself, otherwise how would you explain it? We all had eye doctor appointments that evening and I let our ophthalmologist know what my doctors were looking for. He did some extra tests, and found that I have a new ‘speck’ in my left eye. He said it’s a sign of recent inflammation, somewhere in my body, and that if I saw a neurologist to let him know because he would share the results. [Nothing to be concerned or scared of yet, just a speck that’s there and we will need to keep an eye on.] By the very next morning, I had pictures of my brain scans. The radiologist reported,

“The MRI findings are highly suspicious for multiple sclerosis with a multitude of white matter lesions as described above. Correlation with CSF studies also recommended.”

My normal PCP referred me to Norton Neurology. The short version story of that is that their office was terrible at getting and finding me an appointment, even though the scans and results were marked urgent. They were so hard to communicate with and dialogue with. A friend of a friend asked if I would be ‘open to seeing a different neurologist,’ and I said, “Girl, I’ll see whoever will see me ASAP!” Lo and behold, another God moment, when I called U of L Health MS Clinic, the office manager answered and immediately got to work for me. Within MINUTES she had my brain scans in her hand. She also called and got my ophthalmologist report. And she got me an appointment within 48 hours to see the neurologist there, Dr. Robertson. “With scans like these, you don’t need to wait ANY longer,” she said. It had felt so impossible to even get an appointment prior to this, I was giddy, literally, with excitement to see a well known and reputable neurologist.

And there we have it. December 7th, 2023, I met with a neurologist for the first time in my life. He spent HOURS with us, going over the scans of both cervical and brain. He was 99% positive this is and was MS, and he ordered a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) just to be certain. They scheduled me an appointment the NEXT DAY for that, and they said, “This never happens, to get an appointment with radiology so soon, usually it can be a month or longer.” I smiled and said, “I don’t know how you feel about God, but if you don’t believe in Him yet, you should. This entire process has been one miracle after another, with God working in crazy mysterious ways.”

I had the LP (lumbar puncture) on a Thursday, and while I was then bed-ridden for FIVE days with a post lumbar puncture migraine, it confirmed MS. I ended up needing and getting a Blood Patch procedure, and thank God it worked quickly for me. I was back up and on my feet the next day, finally getting to go back to WORK!!

A thoracic MRI was next, to get a full baseline of my spine. We had a follow up visit December 27th to discuss results (NO lesions or white matter whatsoever there in the thoracic region, praise Jesus!) and to talk treatment. At the first appointment, the neurologist had said to us, “Seeing your scans and how substantial and aggressive they are, it’s quite remarkable that I am seeing you in front of me with really NO outward symptoms of MS. Our goal is to keep it this way.” I will start Kesimpta shots monthly, and prayerfully it will do its’ job to stop new lesions from forming. We will of course need to get new MRI scans in a few months, of both brain and cervical, and we will stay prayerful and hopeful from now until ever.

I have seen God throughout this entire thing. I don’t LIKE what I see in the brain scans, but it doesn’t scare me. Because of Him, I saw exactly the right people I was supposed to see. Had all the appointments I was supposed to have. And I now have an incredible team of people who are fighting for and with me. I can see fine, I can run and lift weights. Like the neurologist said, I do not currently HAVE typical MS symptoms. I have a lot of new muscle spasms (or maybe I literally never paid attention to them before?) They’re frequent, but not painful. And the memory fog / slip up of words is a real thing. But that’s it? I am so thankful.

Oh, and the pain I was feeling in November? The insane burning/stabbing/jolting pain—that was definitely an MS flare up, and it’s what resulted in me getting diagnosed. I find that part fascinating. They saw a large lesion of white matter in the left hemisphere of my brain, and the neurologist said that was from an extreme flare up that must have happened within the last 30 days of the brain scan. Ding ding ding. I did need to take steroids for days, to help the inflammation and swelling of that lesion go down. Oh and my TSH (thyroid) bloodwork was the only other thing that came back ‘abnormal,’ as it’s almost at 0.0—and that makes complete sense now, with all the inflammation my body has been battling. The spinal tap ruled out any other autoimmune diseases, and it also ruled out infections.

It’s been four weeks since the original testing and scans and three that I’ve had the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. This has been the most IN MY FACE, I have seen my Creator work. Why is this part of my journey now? I do not know. But if I were to look at each chapter of my story and look at how He has worked and used me…I’d say this is going to be a pretty big page turning path that I now have to walk. It’s been pretty easy to believe and trust in God, because I’ll be honest and real, my life overall hasn’t been THAT difficult. Sure, struggles here and there, doubts here and there, but really I’ve said with ease my whole life that I believe in Jesus and God as my Creator, and I have trusted Him with it all. I am grateful to have been blessed for SO long, but now the rubber is going to meet the road and I am relieved to be able to cling to HIM.

Special thank you to the University of Louisville MS Clinic and my team there. All of you have been more than kind. You’ve been loving, empathetic, a listening ear, and a group of people I believe God orchestrated for me for this new journey.

Onward + Upward to Another New School

“Ashley Glass New Job.” Was in my recent Google analytics’ search.

I wanted to write about my new job right from the beginning and never made the time, as seems to be my journey with most of my writing plans. It was ironic that I looked at those search phrases the same day that a bomb was dropped in my lap.

Last school year I made the decision to venture from the setting I had been in for the past decade, and to try something NEW. I saw the opening at Georgia Chaffee T.A.P.P. and hit 'apply.' Low and behold, I received and did an interview and within a couple of weeks, I was hired. I had been eyeing the T.A.P.P program for several years, I had heard so many amazing things about it. It's our local teenage pregnancy program, and I had NO idea what to expect upon walking in the double doors.

I was greeted warmly by the staff. The ECE (special ed) teacher I would be working closely with, and I hit it off immediately. Within the first week, it felt like home to me. Laughing and joking and cutting up with my co-workers, especially the ones on my end of the hallway. I fell in love with the classes I was co-teaching in, English and Civics. I worked well with the teachers, observing and collaborating and helping wherever and however I was needed. It was a dream job.

And the girls, the pregnant ones and the mamas, there aren’t enough words to describe my adoration and respect for them. Getting back to the bomb, shall we? The ECE teacher and I were called to the Principal's office on our planning. We walked in, and we knew by looking at her and the assistant principal, something was wrong. She immediately got down to business...our school district didn't like that our ECE numbers are SO low, and they were making her cut one of us. Right now our state (most states) are in a ginormous teacher shortage, so they are pulling as many teachers as they can to fill empty positions.

"Glass has seniority," she said. "She can stay or she can choose to leave." The conversation went on a few minutes longer, but the moral of the story is that she pulled us in TOGETHER, said in front of my co-worker, "Ashley gets to choose." She even said something like, "One of you gets to do something nice for the other."

That was it. We shook our heads in disbelief and walked back to our little closet office. We were quiet. We were worried. We were in disbelief. I JUST GOT HIRED. I JUST started this job. She has been there already for the past few years. My brain went into preparation overload. What should I do? How could I leave? Never have I ever loved my career so passionately, until now. And my brain began to spin again, after the shock of the meeting was coming back down. It dawned on me, I was called to a room as a friend and left as a Bad Guy. If I chose to stay, I wouldn't be forgiven. Her friends would think differently of me. And I didn't even know if the principal wanted me there. That afternoon I had overheard her very loudly tell the other teacher, "I know, Glass has only been here a few weeks, I thought for sure it would be easy for her to say she'd go."

What in the actual heck??? I felt as though I was in a frenzy. I got contacts and called HR and the ECE Manager. They were the most helpful people I have ever talked with in JCPS (Jefferson County Public Schools.) They sensed my panic and they were so patient and understanding with me. They told me where openings were, and encouraged me to take my time on the decision and to try to breathe. Every time I considered being the one to leave, I felt sick to my stomach or like I would break down sobbing. In my heart, I thought I would stay. I thought I would kindly explain that I have earned my teaching seniority, I have been overstaffed before early in my career, and that I had done the work to be there at T.A.P.P. But my heart and mind and soul were in all different places.

The next night Asa asked as we got into bed, “What do you think you’re going to do?” and I lost It. My body started shaking, the tears flooded my face, I couldn’t breathe well, and eventually I passed out. I literally fell asleep sobbing. Between tears all I could muster was, “The girls!! The girls!” Morning came and I overslept. I must have hit snooze twenty times and when I finally crawled out of bed, I realized I hadn’t showered the night before, my head was splitting and I was going to end up late for work. I started crying AGAIN. I knew there was no way I could make it through a work day and I also knew I needed to pull it together. I called out and went back to bed, praying as I fell asleep for God’s wisdom and peace.

The day of my breakdown I had spoken with the HR gentleman who oversees all middle school openings. I had told him that I would really only consider leaving my placement IF there was somehow an opening at Barrett Middle School—it’s where we hope to send our son for middle school, and it’s the best in the district. “You won’t believe this,” he said. “But an opening literally just happened minutes ago for a split position with Barrett and Crosby Middle. It’s yours if you want it.” He reassured me no one else even knew that opening existed and to sleep on it. So I did. And on my mental health day, I just kept thinking over and over and over again that I couldn’t stay. As much as it killed me, I couldn’t do that to this other teacher. She is pregnant, has been there a while, and I knew I would be pretty judged if I decided she should be the one to go.

At 4pm Friday, I called HR again and told him I would take the job. I was immediately put in touch with the principals and admins at both schools, and in a crazy way, I felt peace wash over me. I couldn’t fathom not seeing the girls every single school day, but I started to feel as though God did all of this for a reason. I will say, things have since transpired and not really how I liked for them too. The ECE teacher quickly unfriended me on Facebook, she never had a conversation with me about my choice, and on the day I was leaving, neither Administrator said goodbye. Neither even checked in on me when I came to work Monday (and all week) with my head held high, and honestly, that bothers me. Overall, the whole situation is sad. I wasn’t ‘forced’ to leave or take the overstaff, but in the way that it was handled, not in private, I felt completely helpless. It would have been crappy for her to leave. Pregnant, new school, I get it. But my heart hurts, and it’s equally as crappy for me.

These girls have changed my life. In five short weeks, I have been completely humbled by them. The core group that I got so close to, they gave me so many hugs today and we exchanged phone numbers. I know that today wasn’t goodbye, it was more of a “I’ll see you soon.” I get to go to their baby showers, meet their babies, and heck, invite them to dinner! I am thankful the Lord allowed me to come to T.A.P.P. even though only for a short period of time. I feel like He’s always been so good about showing me who needs me the most (and who I equally need!) and I am trying to be hopeful that the same will be true of my new schools.

PS: have you ever seen a teen mom and thought about judging them? Maybe you scoffed under your breath or shook your head. These girls are warriors, Y’all. Keeping their babies alive and thriving, while many of THEM do not have have complete support or stability from their parents. These girls have dreams and are working on fulfilling them. They are loyal, resilient, and real. Next time you find yourself judging a young mom, judge yourself first.

When You Doubt Yourself, Read This

One of those days I guess. Where my mind spins and I think 150 different and unique thoughts, most of them not really connected or intertwined with one another…if you’ve had a day like that, and you can maybe relate, read on, friend. You may want a cup of tea or coffee though, because it’s been a minute since I’ve written like this and it may be a while…

The summer is winding down. Well, not the heat, but the days until school is back in session. Trust me, its been over 100-degrees heat index wise for days and there’s not really an end in sight with that. But I can feel the end of our season drawing near.

I find myself wondering,

“Have I done enough?” “Were my kids happy?” “Will they remember this summer as a memorable one?” “Was I patient enough?” “Loving enough?” “Silly enough?” “Bold enough?”

Was I enough?

And then I shifted to wondering about former students. A giant chapter of my life is coming to a close, or has closed rather I suppose, as I accepted a brand new job in my teaching position for the coming school year. I worked with psychiatric and troubled youth for TEN years…it feels like so long, yet not long enough. Every year it never failed that I had repeat students. Sometimes I had them in their elementary years when I taught K-5th grades, and then they would come back to me as middle or high schoolers. Those were the really tough ones emotionally for me…

One in particular, a boy, I had in both fourth and fifth grade. I remember how much he made me LAUGH and how he helped around the classroom. He was so bright and really intelligent academically. Socially too—witty, charming, just an all around great kid. Flash forward to him entering the halls and bumping into me as a then 8th grader. I exclaimed his name with a giant smile and bear hugged him. [Bear hugs are frowned upon I guess in the teaching world, especially in a psychiatric facility, boundaries ya know?] But when you have my [then] job and a familiar face shows back up, one who made YOUR days brighter and happier, you kind of sigh a sigh of relief knowing (or hoping) that student will be similar even though he’s older now.

He remembered my name and smiled and I was bummed he wouldn’t be in my classroom because I didn’t teach middle school, I had been teaching high school the past three years. Then he showed up on my roster and BAM, there he was, at my doorway, in a class with high schoolers, and I shook my head in disbelief. Where I worked made changes, OFTEN. You HAD to go with the flow, practice extreme flexibility, and be able to just roll with the punches. So the whole last half of the school year I DID teach middle school, AND high school. And it was fine and I loved it and I maintained great classroom management and behavior…and yet I left wondering…

Did I do enough?

I watched that child go through a Richter scale of emotions. I watched him find hope and comfort, and I watched his talents SOAR. Then I watched as his world fell apart. The goofy, class clown boy I knew and loved did a 180 and began to doubt the whole world around him. Several nights I found myself crying, wishing and praying that I could do MORE. I wanted to be able to scoop him up [okay yes, he’s bigger than me now, that wouldn’t be possible AND it would be weird], but I wanted to be able to show him normalcy and kindness and take him to basketball games and show him how a loving family COULD be. How a family COULD protect and love and walk WITH him through the hardships. He was able to leave, I said my goodbyes, told him about my new job, and I prayed to God I would maybe see him on the outside one day.

Did I do enough?

That’s one of the reasons I decided to take a leap and part ways with that job placement. It was so hard to be able to foster impacting relationships with kids. Once they left the program, that was it. And I get it—that’s the job and I knew that. My heart has been longing for more, to be able to build relationships not strictly within the classroom, but out as well. With students’ families and their communities, to be able to walk with them longer than a few days or weeks, or in that students’s case, months…

See? There’s my brain tonight. I typically feel like I want to save the world: kids’ lives, everywhere, MY kids’ lives, and often that feels like a very big task. On the flip side, I know the answer to these questions. I hope you don’t read this thinking that I honestly doubt myself THAT much, or that I have felt inferior. I know my own children are happy. In between their bickering there are so many moments and memories FULL of love and laughter. And I know that in the classrooms that I taught in, I was often the reason students also laughed and felt loved. I very rarely forgot students names with their faces. Even when it had been years between seeing them, I remembered. Most of their lives are very hard, very broken, and for some I fear what the years ahead will do to them…but I pray I left an impact on them deep down.

For now? I have 16 days left of summer break. Sixteen days left to invest wholeheartedly every day, ALL day, with our children. I’ll have a fourth and fifth grader come this school year and that BAFFLES me. After this summer, I’ll be working in a program (school) for teen mamas and pregnant teens and while I’m very nervous for change, I am also very excited to invest in these young women. If you too, have been wondering, “Am I enough? Did I DO enough?” I guarantee your answer is yes.

Sometimes it takes some time to sit back and reflect on what YOUR life has looked like. If you’re a verbal or anecdotal processor like me, jot some things down in a notebook or journal. Think about this summer, and instead of dwelling just about the times you lost your patience and snapped at your kids [trust me, it HAS happened a LOT over here….] try to remember the surprise snow cone trips you’ve made, the sleepovers you’ve let your kids have, the late night movies, the extra treats and bags of popcorn, the fireflies caught in the backyard, the time spent with family.

You were enough.
You have done enough.
You ARE enough.

A Letter to My Ten Year Old Son

Ten years of you, my dear boy. Ten glorious, beautiful, BLESSED, years with you. I am so thankful the Lord trusted us to be YOURS. At 11:11am on 6/15/12, you were born into this big, scary, ever changing world. 

I was thinking, what have I learned in these ten years of being your mama? Well, the first is that time is fragile. You can’t stop it, or catch it, or hold it with your fingers. It slips through our fingers and truthfully, the cliche saying, “The days are long but the years are so fast,” couldn’t be more true for how I feel. 

Double digits. Wow, that is YOU, today. You are tall. Your long legs are so lean and strong. You love to play sports and have a new interest in soccer, which has been fun to watch. You are incredibly smart, and I can so see you being a savvy engineer one day. Maybe not. Maybe you’ll be a teacher. Or a doctor. Or a scientist. Maybe you’ll be a college athlete. Time will tell. And as I said, we already know that will feel like all too soon. 

The world needs you, Pierson Clive. You are a wonderful, brave, adventurous little boy that is going to change so many lives. You’ve changed mine, sweet boy. Oh how you have changed mine. 

In just ten more years, you will be twenty. Will you still be at home? Living with me and Dad? Going to a local college, maybe U of L? Again, time will tell. I can’t think about how there may be only “eight more summers” that you spend with me at home. My mind will explode and my heart will surely shatter. Instead I will be so thankful for what I do have with you—the time, the laughter, the memories, the hugs, the still nightly back tickles and you asking me to sing a bedtime song. 

The world is work, Pierson. There may be an easy route, a simpler path, but that doesn’t always make it right. I pray that you have work ethic, and grit. That you realize how sweet success is when you have put a little sweat into it. But beyond the physical work, my son, the world is full of emotional work as well. I pray that you will love dearly every version of you. I also pray that you will know and love and cling to Jesus. In every part of your life. That you will trust Him with the answers, and you will always seek Him first. In the good times and the bad, happy and sad…I promise He is walking with you.

Oh how you will change these next few months, these next years. Be quirky, goofy, curious, and believe in yourself even when others do not. And know this, whatever phase and stage you are in, your dad and I and SO MANY PEOPLE, believe in you. 

We love you. All ten years of you. The ups and downs, the funny and everything in between. I hope you look back on these ten years and smile. Knowing that we have loved every single second with YOU.

Happy 10th birthday, Pierson. Mama loves you so dang much.