When You Doubt Yourself, Read This

One of those days I guess. Where my mind spins and I think 150 different and unique thoughts, most of them not really connected or intertwined with one another…if you’ve had a day like that, and you can maybe relate, read on, friend. You may want a cup of tea or coffee though, because it’s been a minute since I’ve written like this and it may be a while…

The summer is winding down. Well, not the heat, but the days until school is back in session. Trust me, its been over 100-degrees heat index wise for days and there’s not really an end in sight with that. But I can feel the end of our season drawing near.

I find myself wondering,

“Have I done enough?” “Were my kids happy?” “Will they remember this summer as a memorable one?” “Was I patient enough?” “Loving enough?” “Silly enough?” “Bold enough?”

Was I enough?

And then I shifted to wondering about former students. A giant chapter of my life is coming to a close, or has closed rather I suppose, as I accepted a brand new job in my teaching position for the coming school year. I worked with psychiatric and troubled youth for TEN years…it feels like so long, yet not long enough. Every year it never failed that I had repeat students. Sometimes I had them in their elementary years when I taught K-5th grades, and then they would come back to me as middle or high schoolers. Those were the really tough ones emotionally for me…

One in particular, a boy, I had in both fourth and fifth grade. I remember how much he made me LAUGH and how he helped around the classroom. He was so bright and really intelligent academically. Socially too—witty, charming, just an all around great kid. Flash forward to him entering the halls and bumping into me as a then 8th grader. I exclaimed his name with a giant smile and bear hugged him. [Bear hugs are frowned upon I guess in the teaching world, especially in a psychiatric facility, boundaries ya know?] But when you have my [then] job and a familiar face shows back up, one who made YOUR days brighter and happier, you kind of sigh a sigh of relief knowing (or hoping) that student will be similar even though he’s older now.

He remembered my name and smiled and I was bummed he wouldn’t be in my classroom because I didn’t teach middle school, I had been teaching high school the past three years. Then he showed up on my roster and BAM, there he was, at my doorway, in a class with high schoolers, and I shook my head in disbelief. Where I worked made changes, OFTEN. You HAD to go with the flow, practice extreme flexibility, and be able to just roll with the punches. So the whole last half of the school year I DID teach middle school, AND high school. And it was fine and I loved it and I maintained great classroom management and behavior…and yet I left wondering…

Did I do enough?

I watched that child go through a Richter scale of emotions. I watched him find hope and comfort, and I watched his talents SOAR. Then I watched as his world fell apart. The goofy, class clown boy I knew and loved did a 180 and began to doubt the whole world around him. Several nights I found myself crying, wishing and praying that I could do MORE. I wanted to be able to scoop him up [okay yes, he’s bigger than me now, that wouldn’t be possible AND it would be weird], but I wanted to be able to show him normalcy and kindness and take him to basketball games and show him how a loving family COULD be. How a family COULD protect and love and walk WITH him through the hardships. He was able to leave, I said my goodbyes, told him about my new job, and I prayed to God I would maybe see him on the outside one day.

Did I do enough?

That’s one of the reasons I decided to take a leap and part ways with that job placement. It was so hard to be able to foster impacting relationships with kids. Once they left the program, that was it. And I get it—that’s the job and I knew that. My heart has been longing for more, to be able to build relationships not strictly within the classroom, but out as well. With students’ families and their communities, to be able to walk with them longer than a few days or weeks, or in that students’s case, months…

See? There’s my brain tonight. I typically feel like I want to save the world: kids’ lives, everywhere, MY kids’ lives, and often that feels like a very big task. On the flip side, I know the answer to these questions. I hope you don’t read this thinking that I honestly doubt myself THAT much, or that I have felt inferior. I know my own children are happy. In between their bickering there are so many moments and memories FULL of love and laughter. And I know that in the classrooms that I taught in, I was often the reason students also laughed and felt loved. I very rarely forgot students names with their faces. Even when it had been years between seeing them, I remembered. Most of their lives are very hard, very broken, and for some I fear what the years ahead will do to them…but I pray I left an impact on them deep down.

For now? I have 16 days left of summer break. Sixteen days left to invest wholeheartedly every day, ALL day, with our children. I’ll have a fourth and fifth grader come this school year and that BAFFLES me. After this summer, I’ll be working in a program (school) for teen mamas and pregnant teens and while I’m very nervous for change, I am also very excited to invest in these young women. If you too, have been wondering, “Am I enough? Did I DO enough?” I guarantee your answer is yes.

Sometimes it takes some time to sit back and reflect on what YOUR life has looked like. If you’re a verbal or anecdotal processor like me, jot some things down in a notebook or journal. Think about this summer, and instead of dwelling just about the times you lost your patience and snapped at your kids [trust me, it HAS happened a LOT over here….] try to remember the surprise snow cone trips you’ve made, the sleepovers you’ve let your kids have, the late night movies, the extra treats and bags of popcorn, the fireflies caught in the backyard, the time spent with family.

You were enough.
You have done enough.
You ARE enough.

Will You Adopt Me? Late Night Thoughts From This Teacher/Mama's Heart

Have you ever been asked by a child, “Will you adopt me?”

I will NEVER forget when I was asked those four words. It brought back memories of when I opened our front door on Jackson Street close to downtown Louisville, and my favorite little boys stood there in front of me, eyes wide and full of anticipation—they said, “Our brother was killed last night.” Two different scenarios, but the feeling in my soul felt the same. What do you say? To a child with innocent eyes, whose heart is beyond broken; what HOPE can you offer them?

The moment in which I was asked if I could adopt is one with a lot of background. She was a former student, who I had as a fourth and fifth grader…Enter middle school, and she was back in a location where she was in need of treatment for some really poor choices she had made. After she confided in me the numerous [poor] decisions that she had made, including running away from her foster home, was when she said, “Mrs. Glass, will YOU adopt me?!”

I am always honest with my students. I don’t believe in sugar coating but at the same time, I also don’t believe in being MEAN. So in a kind but upfront tone, which she was very familiar with, I said, “Girl, what do you expect me to do with that information!? I have two small kids at home; how could this work with everything you JUST told me?” What do you think she said…….?

“But Mrs. Glass, I would BE good. I would be great for you and Mr. Glass.”

In March of 2019, there were over 10,000 children in the state of Kentucky in foster care. I tell you this not to overwhelm you, but to show you that the need for care of children is very REAL where I live. There is an epidemic of neglect, parental drug use, abandonment, abuse, and more. And this is on my heart, ALL THE TIME.

It was time for me to head home that day, so I smiled and told her that I hope she knows I love her, and that I really needed her to take care of herself. She smiled back and HAPPILY said, “Okay, Mrs. Glass. Tell Mr. Glass I said hi!”

Flash forward to the summer of 2019. We had been traveling a lot, and my mind was in that ‘I’m on vacation mode,’ which means I wasn’t in school or student mode. But she still crossed my mind often, and I was still praying for her a lot. And then I woke up to an email in my inbox.

“I am contacting you to see if you would like to be part of her support network OR consider her for adoption,” it read. It was her adoption recruiter who was reaching out, and she went on to say that this student had identified me as someone who she significantly looked up to, and I had a good relationship with.” Y’all. I felt WRECKED.

As I read, internally I was feeling a gazillion different things. I knew I (WE) couldn’t exactly say YES to adoption; we hardly knew (know) her, and there are a lot of risks when taking on that sort of responsibility with children who have suffered from psychiatric challenges, and who have had a LOT of trauma in their personal lives—especially when you have your own young kids to think about. But I at that moment knew without a doubt God was (is) doing SOMETHING in our lives with this young lady. Asa was so supportive from the beginning of this, as he always is (thank you, Lord for an amazing and empathetic husband!!) and he said, “Ash, we’ll figure it out. We can absolutely be part of her support system, whatever that may entail.” I quickly e-mailed her worker back and told her that I would 1.) check with my workplace and see what the protocol was and 2.) that we were definitely interested in helping however she thought we could.

Then, the rest of the summer it went kinda quiet. I thought about her daily, wondering how she was, WHERE she was, and praying that the Lord would continue to do HIS will and that I wouldn’t be selfish in any of this, or trying to be the hero. From the beginning she was someone I connected with, who I desperately wanted to help and who I saw as someone who could be SO successful…if she was with the right family. This is a teenage girl, who I honestly believe has never experienced what it means to BELONG. Her younger siblings were adopted all together, and she was left, yet again, alone. I don’t know if she knows what it feels like to be loved by a parent or an adult in general. Truth be told, I don’t know her well at ALL—but you know what?

GOD DOES.

Thankfully I was given the okay to be on her contact list, and that was the next step. And then a month or so ago, I received another inquiry from her case worker—this time she informed me that the student was going into a new foster family, but her team was wondering if we would consider being Respite Care for her should the family need it. Yet again, that was something Asa and I had to talk about, and ultimately we decided YES, we would. I told her worker that ideally, we would be able to meet with her and get to know her better before they hypothetically call us for that, so that’s where we have left off! I’ve been able to have several phone calls with this sweet teen this month and each one has been SO happy and positive. I always ask, “What’s GOOD?” and ask positively framed questions. I go soon to have an in person visit with her and I am SO excited.

Maybe wherever you are tonight, you wouldn’t mind saying a prayer for her? I can’t say names and I won’t ever talk about things that are protected through privacy laws, but God will know who you are talking about! She’s thirteen, has a heart of gold, and is just a kid who needs to be loved. I am praying that her current foster family is one of the GOOD ones, that she can be willing to BE loved by them, and that she is SAFE. I want so badly for her to choose success, to choose life, to choose hope.

Thanks, sweet friends. If you can’t tell, my heart tends to break for those who need rescuing. I recently started teaching high school and it was mind-blowing to me how many of my current students are also in foster care…one fourteen year old recently found out that he wasn’t going back to a family member to live with and he said, “You know…you could adopt me!” Oh if only I could, guys. If only I had all the time and resources in the world to give EVERY one of these kids a safe and loving home, I would in a heartbeat!

School: Fun for Kids, Heartache for Mama

I'll never forget the motto my mom sent me off to fifth grade with: "Just smile," she said, as she put me on the bus that morning. I was switching from a private Christian school to public, and while I knew a handful of kids that would be there, I was basically stepping foot on to very unfamiliar ground. 

The morning Reese woke for preschool, I got to lie in bed with her for a few minutes. She snuggled close to me and talked a mile a minute. There's one thing for certain and it's that she never seemed shy or hesitant about going to a brand new place, praise God for that. Our Pierson, her big brother, started kindergarten this year, but she was starting her school year first. I looked her in the eyes and hugged her so tight. "Reesie, if there's one thing you remember today, remember this: just SMILE." She said, "Okay, Mama!" "Reesie, smile, because then you'll help the other kids feel happy too and they'll know they can be your friend." I then changed her into her brand new first day of school outfit and there it all began.

Dropping her off the first day really wasn't all that bad. My husband and Pierson came with me, and we all hugged and kissed her several times. She was a little bit shy, but she didn't shed even one tear. I went off to set up my classroom and I swear I don't think I've ever missed her more in my life... (and she was just twenty minutes away!) When the time came to go get her, the three of us went again and Pierson and I were practically giddy with excitement. My baby girl and his baby sister!! They've never known (remembered) a day without the other in it, and it was very evident that he missed the heck out of her. We all walked to her classroom and there she was, putting together a princess puzzle, happy as could be. Pierson yelled her name and her little head shot up in surprise. "MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!" she yelled. She didn't nap that first day, as I figured, but she was HAPPY, ate a good lunch, and the teacher said she listened so well all day long. The second day (the very next morning) that she was dropped off, I went alone, and leaving her behind I could feel myself getting choked up. One of my girlfriends has kiddos enrolled at the same school and bumped into me in the parking lot. "You okay??" she asked. "I hope so! I feel like I'm going to bawl soon!" She assured me that second days are often harder than the first, and that everything was going to be JUST fine. Guess what? She was right :)

Reese has now been in school for two and a half weeks and isn't just doing great, we really believe she is thriving. Enrolling her in this program has gone a million times better than we ever expected, and EVERY single day that I pick her up (three days a week), she is all smiles, laughter, and pure happiness. AND, she even naps every single day! It blows my mind that my baby baby is old enough for preschool (and that she turns FOUR in a matter of weeks!!) but I literally could not be more proud of the girl she is. 

I thought about doing two separate posts about the kids' schools but then ruled that out. My son Pierson started Kindergarten August 15th and has been at it for a week and a half. His dad is a teacher at the same school, and their classrooms are literally three doors down from one another...TALK ABOUT A PRAISE! Many of the teachers (and the principal) know Pierson really well from all my Facebook pictures and us being friends with them--so I never really had any anxiety about him starting. I am blessed to have a principal who allowed me to see him off on his very first day, and I was honestly shocked when the tears started streaming down my face. I know you're not supposed to let your kids know that you're truly SAD about them starting school, so I played it off super well; inside however, I felt as if I were breaking. 

All of a sudden it dawned on me, that five years have come and gone. It literally feels as if they disappeared, and if the last five flew by that quickly, how much faster are the NEXT five going to go?! But Pierson hasn't seemed to mind. My big, strong, brave, and incredibly sweet boy--he had an amazing first day of kindergarten and excitedly told me all about it when he got home. How amazing is it though, that my husband gets to take him to work each day and also bring him home? He sees him multiple times throughout the school day, and their lunches even overlap. He's taken a selfie with him in the cafeteria every single day so far, and I told him to PLEASE continue so that I can make a little book at the end of the year of Pierson + Dad's first year of school. [How cute will that be?!] 

Lo and behold though, an illness has already made its' way to one of them; Pierson came down with a 102-fever late Thursday night and is still (it's Sunday) struggling to kick it. Praise God it's nothing too hard to manage, but he is so lethargic and my heart hurts for him right now! He is loving school, and has received nothing but positive praise and compliments since the very first day. He listens, is obedient, is making friends, and my mama heart is bursting at the seams with pride! 

Eventually I'll get back in the swing of writing more regularly here, right? That's the hope anyway. We are in the process of designing our living room, which has been super fun, so that post will be coming soon. Other than that, my husband and I are back to our own classrooms and are trying hard to stay afloat amongst busy schedules, lesson planning, and transporting our kiddos all over the kiddos [it seems that way anyway!] Where we moved is SO FAR away from so many friends and family, and even our jobs! 30-40 minutes in the car ONE WAY is a new challenge to our lifestyle, but I'm trying to stay positive about it because we love our new neighborhood and the people here. 

OH! For the first time ever, I'm teaching kindergarten and first graders for part of my day. Last week was the first time I've had them; three sweet little boys, and oh my heart they are adorable. My students come to me for a special therapeutic day program--they spend part of the day in programs and treatment, and the other part in school with me. Have you heard the phrase 'herding kittens' before? That was literally how I felt. These babies come to me because they need help with medication--either getting ON the right one, or getting rid of them altogether to start from square one. It takes a while to find the right fit, but eventually they get there and are a little more calm :) In the afternoon I have fourth and fifth graders, and right now I have such a great group of girls! Friday they were able to take a vocabulary quiz and reading test; we had lamps on and piano music playing, and it did my heart SO good to see them so comfortable in the classroom. 

Alright friends, time to wrap up. (You know right? Ha!) What's going on in your life right now? Are your kids in school? If so, what grades, and how do you feel about it? I'd love to hear from you so leave a comment in the section below or shoot me an email! Have a blessed week, y'all! 

xox

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