When You Doubt Yourself, Read This

One of those days I guess. Where my mind spins and I think 150 different and unique thoughts, most of them not really connected or intertwined with one another…if you’ve had a day like that, and you can maybe relate, read on, friend. You may want a cup of tea or coffee though, because it’s been a minute since I’ve written like this and it may be a while…

The summer is winding down. Well, not the heat, but the days until school is back in session. Trust me, its been over 100-degrees heat index wise for days and there’s not really an end in sight with that. But I can feel the end of our season drawing near.

I find myself wondering,

“Have I done enough?” “Were my kids happy?” “Will they remember this summer as a memorable one?” “Was I patient enough?” “Loving enough?” “Silly enough?” “Bold enough?”

Was I enough?

And then I shifted to wondering about former students. A giant chapter of my life is coming to a close, or has closed rather I suppose, as I accepted a brand new job in my teaching position for the coming school year. I worked with psychiatric and troubled youth for TEN years…it feels like so long, yet not long enough. Every year it never failed that I had repeat students. Sometimes I had them in their elementary years when I taught K-5th grades, and then they would come back to me as middle or high schoolers. Those were the really tough ones emotionally for me…

One in particular, a boy, I had in both fourth and fifth grade. I remember how much he made me LAUGH and how he helped around the classroom. He was so bright and really intelligent academically. Socially too—witty, charming, just an all around great kid. Flash forward to him entering the halls and bumping into me as a then 8th grader. I exclaimed his name with a giant smile and bear hugged him. [Bear hugs are frowned upon I guess in the teaching world, especially in a psychiatric facility, boundaries ya know?] But when you have my [then] job and a familiar face shows back up, one who made YOUR days brighter and happier, you kind of sigh a sigh of relief knowing (or hoping) that student will be similar even though he’s older now.

He remembered my name and smiled and I was bummed he wouldn’t be in my classroom because I didn’t teach middle school, I had been teaching high school the past three years. Then he showed up on my roster and BAM, there he was, at my doorway, in a class with high schoolers, and I shook my head in disbelief. Where I worked made changes, OFTEN. You HAD to go with the flow, practice extreme flexibility, and be able to just roll with the punches. So the whole last half of the school year I DID teach middle school, AND high school. And it was fine and I loved it and I maintained great classroom management and behavior…and yet I left wondering…

Did I do enough?

I watched that child go through a Richter scale of emotions. I watched him find hope and comfort, and I watched his talents SOAR. Then I watched as his world fell apart. The goofy, class clown boy I knew and loved did a 180 and began to doubt the whole world around him. Several nights I found myself crying, wishing and praying that I could do MORE. I wanted to be able to scoop him up [okay yes, he’s bigger than me now, that wouldn’t be possible AND it would be weird], but I wanted to be able to show him normalcy and kindness and take him to basketball games and show him how a loving family COULD be. How a family COULD protect and love and walk WITH him through the hardships. He was able to leave, I said my goodbyes, told him about my new job, and I prayed to God I would maybe see him on the outside one day.

Did I do enough?

That’s one of the reasons I decided to take a leap and part ways with that job placement. It was so hard to be able to foster impacting relationships with kids. Once they left the program, that was it. And I get it—that’s the job and I knew that. My heart has been longing for more, to be able to build relationships not strictly within the classroom, but out as well. With students’ families and their communities, to be able to walk with them longer than a few days or weeks, or in that students’s case, months…

See? There’s my brain tonight. I typically feel like I want to save the world: kids’ lives, everywhere, MY kids’ lives, and often that feels like a very big task. On the flip side, I know the answer to these questions. I hope you don’t read this thinking that I honestly doubt myself THAT much, or that I have felt inferior. I know my own children are happy. In between their bickering there are so many moments and memories FULL of love and laughter. And I know that in the classrooms that I taught in, I was often the reason students also laughed and felt loved. I very rarely forgot students names with their faces. Even when it had been years between seeing them, I remembered. Most of their lives are very hard, very broken, and for some I fear what the years ahead will do to them…but I pray I left an impact on them deep down.

For now? I have 16 days left of summer break. Sixteen days left to invest wholeheartedly every day, ALL day, with our children. I’ll have a fourth and fifth grader come this school year and that BAFFLES me. After this summer, I’ll be working in a program (school) for teen mamas and pregnant teens and while I’m very nervous for change, I am also very excited to invest in these young women. If you too, have been wondering, “Am I enough? Did I DO enough?” I guarantee your answer is yes.

Sometimes it takes some time to sit back and reflect on what YOUR life has looked like. If you’re a verbal or anecdotal processor like me, jot some things down in a notebook or journal. Think about this summer, and instead of dwelling just about the times you lost your patience and snapped at your kids [trust me, it HAS happened a LOT over here….] try to remember the surprise snow cone trips you’ve made, the sleepovers you’ve let your kids have, the late night movies, the extra treats and bags of popcorn, the fireflies caught in the backyard, the time spent with family.

You were enough.
You have done enough.
You ARE enough.

Will You Adopt Me? Late Night Thoughts From This Teacher/Mama's Heart

Have you ever been asked by a child, “Will you adopt me?”

I will NEVER forget when I was asked those four words. It brought back memories of when I opened our front door on Jackson Street close to downtown Louisville, and my favorite little boys stood there in front of me, eyes wide and full of anticipation—they said, “Our brother was killed last night.” Two different scenarios, but the feeling in my soul felt the same. What do you say? To a child with innocent eyes, whose heart is beyond broken; what HOPE can you offer them?

The moment in which I was asked if I could adopt is one with a lot of background. She was a former student, who I had as a fourth and fifth grader…Enter middle school, and she was back in a location where she was in need of treatment for some really poor choices she had made. After she confided in me the numerous [poor] decisions that she had made, including running away from her foster home, was when she said, “Mrs. Glass, will YOU adopt me?!”

I am always honest with my students. I don’t believe in sugar coating but at the same time, I also don’t believe in being MEAN. So in a kind but upfront tone, which she was very familiar with, I said, “Girl, what do you expect me to do with that information!? I have two small kids at home; how could this work with everything you JUST told me?” What do you think she said…….?

“But Mrs. Glass, I would BE good. I would be great for you and Mr. Glass.”

In March of 2019, there were over 10,000 children in the state of Kentucky in foster care. I tell you this not to overwhelm you, but to show you that the need for care of children is very REAL where I live. There is an epidemic of neglect, parental drug use, abandonment, abuse, and more. And this is on my heart, ALL THE TIME.

It was time for me to head home that day, so I smiled and told her that I hope she knows I love her, and that I really needed her to take care of herself. She smiled back and HAPPILY said, “Okay, Mrs. Glass. Tell Mr. Glass I said hi!”

Flash forward to the summer of 2019. We had been traveling a lot, and my mind was in that ‘I’m on vacation mode,’ which means I wasn’t in school or student mode. But she still crossed my mind often, and I was still praying for her a lot. And then I woke up to an email in my inbox.

“I am contacting you to see if you would like to be part of her support network OR consider her for adoption,” it read. It was her adoption recruiter who was reaching out, and she went on to say that this student had identified me as someone who she significantly looked up to, and I had a good relationship with.” Y’all. I felt WRECKED.

As I read, internally I was feeling a gazillion different things. I knew I (WE) couldn’t exactly say YES to adoption; we hardly knew (know) her, and there are a lot of risks when taking on that sort of responsibility with children who have suffered from psychiatric challenges, and who have had a LOT of trauma in their personal lives—especially when you have your own young kids to think about. But I at that moment knew without a doubt God was (is) doing SOMETHING in our lives with this young lady. Asa was so supportive from the beginning of this, as he always is (thank you, Lord for an amazing and empathetic husband!!) and he said, “Ash, we’ll figure it out. We can absolutely be part of her support system, whatever that may entail.” I quickly e-mailed her worker back and told her that I would 1.) check with my workplace and see what the protocol was and 2.) that we were definitely interested in helping however she thought we could.

Then, the rest of the summer it went kinda quiet. I thought about her daily, wondering how she was, WHERE she was, and praying that the Lord would continue to do HIS will and that I wouldn’t be selfish in any of this, or trying to be the hero. From the beginning she was someone I connected with, who I desperately wanted to help and who I saw as someone who could be SO successful…if she was with the right family. This is a teenage girl, who I honestly believe has never experienced what it means to BELONG. Her younger siblings were adopted all together, and she was left, yet again, alone. I don’t know if she knows what it feels like to be loved by a parent or an adult in general. Truth be told, I don’t know her well at ALL—but you know what?

GOD DOES.

Thankfully I was given the okay to be on her contact list, and that was the next step. And then a month or so ago, I received another inquiry from her case worker—this time she informed me that the student was going into a new foster family, but her team was wondering if we would consider being Respite Care for her should the family need it. Yet again, that was something Asa and I had to talk about, and ultimately we decided YES, we would. I told her worker that ideally, we would be able to meet with her and get to know her better before they hypothetically call us for that, so that’s where we have left off! I’ve been able to have several phone calls with this sweet teen this month and each one has been SO happy and positive. I always ask, “What’s GOOD?” and ask positively framed questions. I go soon to have an in person visit with her and I am SO excited.

Maybe wherever you are tonight, you wouldn’t mind saying a prayer for her? I can’t say names and I won’t ever talk about things that are protected through privacy laws, but God will know who you are talking about! She’s thirteen, has a heart of gold, and is just a kid who needs to be loved. I am praying that her current foster family is one of the GOOD ones, that she can be willing to BE loved by them, and that she is SAFE. I want so badly for her to choose success, to choose life, to choose hope.

Thanks, sweet friends. If you can’t tell, my heart tends to break for those who need rescuing. I recently started teaching high school and it was mind-blowing to me how many of my current students are also in foster care…one fourteen year old recently found out that he wasn’t going back to a family member to live with and he said, “You know…you could adopt me!” Oh if only I could, guys. If only I had all the time and resources in the world to give EVERY one of these kids a safe and loving home, I would in a heartbeat!

What You Don't Know About Bad Kids

I guess you could call me a jack of all trades kinda gal. Not in the sense that I am an excellent cook, house cleaner, repairman type of lady--but I do a lot of different things professionally. You know me as a blogger, a social media influencer, and/or professional photographer...but the one that I don't talk too much about here, is that I am a full time special education teacher.

It has actually been seven years that I've been in the classroom. After undergrad, I got my Masters degree in special education, with a specialty in emotional behavior disabilities (as well as learning disabilities). My sister in law worked (still works) at a children's' psychiatric facility and after subbing there several times, I knew that's where I wanted to be too. I was drawn to the type of students that were there, and I felt as if it would be there I could make the most difference in children's' lives. Flash forward some, and that's exactly where I ended up.

To me there is a really big difference between kids who grow up having resources, who live in safe and loving homes, compared to those who have been in and out of foster care and who haven't been shown what appropriate and safe love looks like. The word 'bad kid' gets tossed around both in social circles and really, in society as a whole. Are either kid, those who have 'normal' lives and those that don't, bad? No, I don't think that's the proper word to use; but I want to take some time to talk about the latter of our youth--the ones who are shifted from family to family, who don't have a stable home, and how really I believe society has no idea WHY these children are demonstrating 'bad' behaviors.

A homeless child is one who doesn't have a regular or fixed nighttime residence, so that means kids who are not living with their parents, or legal guardians; and those who live in shelters, hotels, who transition from juvenile justice programs, and between foster care. As of 2015, Kentucky was actually ranked as being one of the worst states for youth homelessness. I really had NO idea what this meant or rather, what it looked like, until I had my first [that I KNEW of] homeless student. Every single day, he came into my classroom angry, looking to pick fights with peers, finding ways to be defiant with me, and he was rarely ever interested in school work. I never knew until one day I asked him to come out in the hallway with me to speak privately. "How are you doing, Man?" I asked him. "Eh, I'm okay. My mom is getting a new van which will be better to sleep in." "Sleep in??" I asked. "Yeah, we just have a four passenger car right now and I can't sleep."

Here I was, teaching a math lesson [I remember it well], and getting frustrated that this student wasn't paying attention...and he didn't have a BED to sleep in. He was in fourth grade, y'all...already labeled as an EBD kid (emotional behavioral disorder), and yet we wonder WHY some of our youth act up? I know how nice of a person I am when my sleep gets cut short in my own plush, comfortable bed...let me tell you how great I would do sleeping in a CAR.

In a 2013 article it was recorded that the amount of kids in my county who do NOT have a place to call home, would fill 176 school buses. There were over 12,000 students recorded as being homeless during the 2011-2012 school year, and that the percentages range from 4% to 26% within the district and their different regions. Let's hope that numbers have changed drastically since that information is five years old, but I didn't do extensive research. Are behaviors chalked up to only the homeless kids though?

My husband is also a teacher; he specialized in the same field, but he works in a regular school setting. (Whereas I am technically in a special school within the district, if that's confusing.) He has a second grade student who was left home alone ALL night, while her mom went to work. The student was told 'to go to bed,' and that her grandfather would pick her up in the morning. Do you think this eight year old slept well that night? Or came into my husband's classroom ready to do SCHOOL work? What about the child who was locked in a cage for most of his early life? He was fed through bars, locked in the dimly lit basement, and abused when he was out of it. Probably many of you have read the well-known book A Child Called It? Did you know that that book is not so far removed from reality of today's youth? 

Before I became a teacher and was put face to face with the students such as these, I had NO idea. My education was fairly nondescript, not in a bad way at all. I just mean that I don't really remember my classmates having aggression or fits of rage or mood swings or opposition towards teachers. That doesn't mean it wasn't there, it just means I wasn't exposed to it. My personal childhood wasn't perfect, but I was deeply loved and because of that, I built resilience towards the things that I faced in life. Many of the students I have are enduring trauma time and time and time again, and their developing brains are NOT able to build resilience. Most people are able to adapt to life-changing situations or stressful circumstances because they have a healthy dose of resilience; but this is something that requires time and effort, and a process that involves numerous steps. Relationships that foster love and trust is one of the number one ways to help boost an individual's resilience--so think about the children who know nothing about this. Having positive role models who offer encouragement and reassurance is another important step--and what if your role model was a drug addict, or a guardian who never built you up? 

I recently heard someone say, "Oh he's just bad," in regards to a former student, and honestly, that's what triggered this post. Even my students will apologize in sentences such as, "I'm sorry I was bad, Mrs. Glass." Or say, "My goal today is to not be bad." We have conversations OFTEN about how each and every child that is in my classroom is not a BAD child. Whether or not you choose to believe the phrase, 'there's no such thing as a bad child,' from the bottom of my heart, I think over half of struggling children are the products of their environments. Really aren't we all? Each child has the strength and resilience to overcome their environment, but the sad reality is that most do not realize their strength until it is too late. Part of my calling is to teach children how to overcome the obstacles life throws at them--much like a parent is supposed to do. 

Maybe you are a parent, like me. And maybe you too are a fellow teacher. Wherever you are and no matter your role, I encourage you to re-think the adjective 'bad,' and as hard as it is (coming from experience) try to be more patient with a struggling child. Some of us may NEVER know the type of environment a child is being raised in, but I can tell you that for too many, it isn't a good one. 

**There are no bad children. There are bad choices. There are bad moments. There are bad situations. But there are no bad children. Period." -L.R. Knost "The Gentle Parent."

Life of a Working Teacher Mom and Where We Are Now

Most of you reading this have school aged children and have been where I currently am before. And where am I currently? Somewhere on the line of insanity + maybe being too busy to deal with it I suppose. Okay, okay, it is NOT that bad, but it is kinda crazy.

I knew when we moved and our kids started different schools, that life would be tough. But there's no way to prepare for that kind of a transition until you're IN it. It has been almost six weeks and I thought I would share a few things that I'm learning: 

-Our kids need SPACE. Seven hours a day they are surrounded by peers, and are getting excellent reports about their behavior, daily. But when they come home, they are so burned out of being so stinken good, and it's been vital that they have time to unwind, alone. (They don't always want to, so it's sometimes a challenge to enforce that Pierson for instance, eat a snack and play in his room or the family room, if even for five minutes--alone.) If they don't do this though, they are at each other's throats tenfold, and meltdowns begin QUICK. 
-They need extra attention. This can mean lots of extra hugs, holding one or both of them on my lap to hug them tight; or it can look like stopping everything to do a dance party because they are craving fun with ME. 
-Both of them are changing, and drastically. For instance, Pierson is turning into like, a real KID. He has been so upset with me numerous times because I haven't been able to understand his emotions and where he's coming from--This week I literally asked my husband to help mediate our conversation because I was on the verge of either laughing or just sobbing! And Reese is riding the line of wanting to do everything by herself + still wanting MOM 24/7, so as you can imagine, that's tough. 
-Immune systems are being tested. The kids had in-home childcare their ENTIRE lives. Within the last year they started going to the YMCA childcare when we would work out, but that's obviously not the same thing as school. Reese is going on her second round of illness and is currently in bed next to me with a 101° fever. I'm 99.9% sure that Pierson will end up with it too (that's what happened a few weeks ago!) but hey, fingers crossed?

-I need patience and grace as a mother and human being probably more than EVER. I think I've apologized at least fifty times for losing my temper, for snapping so quickly, and for not being the best mom that I can be to both of the kids. But outside of being a mom, I've been super slow to respond to emails, forgetful of deadlines and social media posts, and that is SO NOT ME. Grace, upon grace, upon grace, upon more grace- right? 
-My husband is a Superhero. But really. Through it all, (including me having a literal breakdown because I was SO sick of driving and being in traffic) he's been my rock. He helps me get organized, breaks things down for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed, and ALWAYS asks how he can help. He's all our stronghold, and on top of being an amazing husband, he is an incredible father. 
-Never compare. My son is five years old, and I currently have a classroom of TEN 5 and 6-year olds. This is brand new for me, I have NEVER taught that age level, and to be honest, I've been overwhelmed the entire six weeks I've been at this. At first it was confusing to me how my 5-year old could be so different from others, and I've finally realized my own ignorance. I call that class 'my babies,' because they are my babies for an entire morning. While my kindergartner can sit in his chair, be quiet, and follow classroom rules, these ones need a lot of help and guidance to learn those expectations. Not all of them have stable households or a mother or father who has helped them learn this school stuff. Asa has always helped me by saying, "They are someone's Pierson." So I treat them like they are my own. I get down on their level, talk quietly when I need to, speak firmly when it's clear the tone needs switching, I tickle and hug and dance, daily. Did I mention they are all boys right now?! Oh what a learning curve, but I'm realizing now what a gift this can be.

-The grass is greener where you water it. This was actually part of a lesson at church this summer and it has really stuck with me. I love the environment that I'm in teaching wise now. The staff is so great and supportive, it is warm and inviting, and I adore the other teacher next to me. We have great assistants, and really, I do see why God moved me there. The same phrase is true within community though as well. Instead of wishing for anything different, I am embracing the friendships we have NOW, the fellowship and community where we have been planted. And most importantly, my family is my rock. I hope to continue growth as a mother and a wife, and 'watering' that part of my life is THE most important. 

Last year I was blessed to take five months off of work to stay home with the kids, but I knew I would be going back to the 'working mom' life. I feel like being a working teacher mom has its' own set of difficulties, but I also know that right now, it's where God has called me. I am enjoying blogging when I can, participating in partnerships with some pretty awesome companies, and posting to Instagram here and there.

If you've made it this far in the post, serious kudos to you. I've love to hear from you! What are some things you've learned as a mom so far this year? Do your kids go to public or private schools? Are they homeschooled? Tell me about it! Write a comment below or shoot me an e-mail, I love the community built within this space and I will *always* respond! 

Happy weekend, y'all!

xx