When You Doubt Yourself, Read This

One of those days I guess. Where my mind spins and I think 150 different and unique thoughts, most of them not really connected or intertwined with one another…if you’ve had a day like that, and you can maybe relate, read on, friend. You may want a cup of tea or coffee though, because it’s been a minute since I’ve written like this and it may be a while…

The summer is winding down. Well, not the heat, but the days until school is back in session. Trust me, its been over 100-degrees heat index wise for days and there’s not really an end in sight with that. But I can feel the end of our season drawing near.

I find myself wondering,

“Have I done enough?” “Were my kids happy?” “Will they remember this summer as a memorable one?” “Was I patient enough?” “Loving enough?” “Silly enough?” “Bold enough?”

Was I enough?

And then I shifted to wondering about former students. A giant chapter of my life is coming to a close, or has closed rather I suppose, as I accepted a brand new job in my teaching position for the coming school year. I worked with psychiatric and troubled youth for TEN years…it feels like so long, yet not long enough. Every year it never failed that I had repeat students. Sometimes I had them in their elementary years when I taught K-5th grades, and then they would come back to me as middle or high schoolers. Those were the really tough ones emotionally for me…

One in particular, a boy, I had in both fourth and fifth grade. I remember how much he made me LAUGH and how he helped around the classroom. He was so bright and really intelligent academically. Socially too—witty, charming, just an all around great kid. Flash forward to him entering the halls and bumping into me as a then 8th grader. I exclaimed his name with a giant smile and bear hugged him. [Bear hugs are frowned upon I guess in the teaching world, especially in a psychiatric facility, boundaries ya know?] But when you have my [then] job and a familiar face shows back up, one who made YOUR days brighter and happier, you kind of sigh a sigh of relief knowing (or hoping) that student will be similar even though he’s older now.

He remembered my name and smiled and I was bummed he wouldn’t be in my classroom because I didn’t teach middle school, I had been teaching high school the past three years. Then he showed up on my roster and BAM, there he was, at my doorway, in a class with high schoolers, and I shook my head in disbelief. Where I worked made changes, OFTEN. You HAD to go with the flow, practice extreme flexibility, and be able to just roll with the punches. So the whole last half of the school year I DID teach middle school, AND high school. And it was fine and I loved it and I maintained great classroom management and behavior…and yet I left wondering…

Did I do enough?

I watched that child go through a Richter scale of emotions. I watched him find hope and comfort, and I watched his talents SOAR. Then I watched as his world fell apart. The goofy, class clown boy I knew and loved did a 180 and began to doubt the whole world around him. Several nights I found myself crying, wishing and praying that I could do MORE. I wanted to be able to scoop him up [okay yes, he’s bigger than me now, that wouldn’t be possible AND it would be weird], but I wanted to be able to show him normalcy and kindness and take him to basketball games and show him how a loving family COULD be. How a family COULD protect and love and walk WITH him through the hardships. He was able to leave, I said my goodbyes, told him about my new job, and I prayed to God I would maybe see him on the outside one day.

Did I do enough?

That’s one of the reasons I decided to take a leap and part ways with that job placement. It was so hard to be able to foster impacting relationships with kids. Once they left the program, that was it. And I get it—that’s the job and I knew that. My heart has been longing for more, to be able to build relationships not strictly within the classroom, but out as well. With students’ families and their communities, to be able to walk with them longer than a few days or weeks, or in that students’s case, months…

See? There’s my brain tonight. I typically feel like I want to save the world: kids’ lives, everywhere, MY kids’ lives, and often that feels like a very big task. On the flip side, I know the answer to these questions. I hope you don’t read this thinking that I honestly doubt myself THAT much, or that I have felt inferior. I know my own children are happy. In between their bickering there are so many moments and memories FULL of love and laughter. And I know that in the classrooms that I taught in, I was often the reason students also laughed and felt loved. I very rarely forgot students names with their faces. Even when it had been years between seeing them, I remembered. Most of their lives are very hard, very broken, and for some I fear what the years ahead will do to them…but I pray I left an impact on them deep down.

For now? I have 16 days left of summer break. Sixteen days left to invest wholeheartedly every day, ALL day, with our children. I’ll have a fourth and fifth grader come this school year and that BAFFLES me. After this summer, I’ll be working in a program (school) for teen mamas and pregnant teens and while I’m very nervous for change, I am also very excited to invest in these young women. If you too, have been wondering, “Am I enough? Did I DO enough?” I guarantee your answer is yes.

Sometimes it takes some time to sit back and reflect on what YOUR life has looked like. If you’re a verbal or anecdotal processor like me, jot some things down in a notebook or journal. Think about this summer, and instead of dwelling just about the times you lost your patience and snapped at your kids [trust me, it HAS happened a LOT over here….] try to remember the surprise snow cone trips you’ve made, the sleepovers you’ve let your kids have, the late night movies, the extra treats and bags of popcorn, the fireflies caught in the backyard, the time spent with family.

You were enough.
You have done enough.
You ARE enough.

This Mama's Walk Down Memory Lane: Are the Best and Most Magical Years Behind Us?

Well I just drastically found myself walking down the rabbit hole of memory lane… I’ve been here before. In a quiet house. Nothing but the sounds of wind blowing outside, the heater kicking on, the animals snoring, and in the midst of twinkly Christmas lights. The fire is crackling and my eyes are fuzzy from the long (but blessed) day I’ve had. I remember being here because the feelings of just wanting to write have graced me once more. Those days don’t come often…I just don’t make time for it like I used to. But before I crawl into bed beside my snoozing husband, I just want to write so that I don’t forget. Or so that when I do forget…I can come back and relive some of this life.

I launched this blog in 2015. Somehow five years have come and gone, and tonight as I sat in the silence I scrolled all the way down to my very first blog posts. In the middle I paused and read about our Humphrey and Elsa passing, and my heart hurts as I now write. One of the posts I also re-read was when our kids were two and three years old…in that post I described that season as magical and beautiful and how hard it was for me that the days were so fleeting. I was convinced that THOSE would be the best years I would experience….You may judge me just a little that right now, I kind of wonder if that I was right?

I’m not saying that I don’t love the stages that my kids are in NOW. They are seven and eight years old (HOW?!?) and oh my, you KNOW I love them each so dearly. But the last couple of years I will have these moments of aching for the days now behind us. New mamas reading this or expectant mamas…I used to want to punch people in the face when they told me to embrace the chaos that existed in those little years. How dare them tell me to EMBRACE the screaming and crying that often occurred when going out to eat or when pushing a shopping cart with each of them in it. Yet here I am…32-years old, wishing I had embraced those moments just a little bit tighter.

I did the best that I could have. You don’t know what you don’t know, especially when it comes to marriage and motherhood. You just DON’T! You excel, you succeed, you kick ass, and then often you also fail. Each day, you do the best you can with what you have, and you go to bed exhausted and you wake up wondering if you’re doing a good job. As I sit here, half way on my couch looking around our home…I miss the newborn days. I miss the toddler years. Heavens to Betsy, I actually MISS when they were each a threenager. Lately, their relationship with each other has been just plain tough. They fight. A lot. They bicker, they tattle, and I know I sound like I’m painting them into this awful corner of horrid children; that’s not my goal. And that’s not what I mean. But life lately is just different. They are so much bigger and maybe because they are only fifteen months apart, they simply struggle to merely get ALONG.

My relationship as their MOM, is different. I have noticed with Pierson especially, my sweet baby boy; he loves me now SO differently. His dad is his everything—his role model, his super hero, his biggest inspiration! And that is GREAT!! What a blessing that my kids have such a present and magnificent father! My big kid third grader sees me, his mama, a lot differently now compared to when he was tiny. Not to mention he’s more than half my height, and I can remember writing about being scared of the day when they’d each no longer fit in my arms. Well guess what? I can pick them up if I really need to, but y’all, they don’t FIT.

One of my sister in laws once told me she has loved every single stage of motherhood. I think I must have asked how she has handled them getting bigger and turning into the mini big kids that they are? And while I agree, I love every stage because I’m their MOM. I will always love them and celebrate them and I will forever cheer them on. But at the moment, I think I more so feel that this stage of motherhood kind of hurts? If I could turn back even a morsel of time, I wish we were in our old house, Jackson street near downtown Louisville—and that they would be tiny once again. Tiny enough to curl into my lap, that they needed to be rocked to sleep, that they needed ME because they didn’t yet have video games or Netflix or neighbor friends or other busy plans. Sounding selfish? Perhaps.

I want to make sure that I say this: my kids are amazing. They are beautiful and strong; they are intelligent and they love Jesus. And I KNOW they love each other…at the end of the day, they are generally asking if they can stay up late together and have sleepovers on each other’s floors. They are obedient and funny and their personalities are exploding as they figure out WHO they are. They still want ME to lie with them every single night, to tickle their backs and bellies and to sing a song or listen to one on Spotify…they hug me daily and tell me that they love me. They cheer ME on and support me on my many creative endeavors. They are GOOD kids.

Maybe it’s the twinkly lights and the silent house? Christmas is near and I often reminisce about those first few, where they were crawling or toddling around the tree. When life was crazy and chaotic, but at the same time…it felt a little simpler? It could also be the pandemic fatigue spurring on these feelings too, y’all know we can’t discount that we are TIRED people as a whole right now. I write all of this to say, no matter where your kids are in this season of life, no matter how big or small they are, no matter what YOU personally are feeling; let’s take a second (or some hours!!) and try to embrace their stages right NOW a little more. Are you up all night nursing and burping and wondering if you’ll ever sleep again? (You will.) Are you wondering how in the world your threenager is wearing you out SO damn much and anxiously awaiting for them to turn FOUR? (They will…and then they’ll turn five. And six. And seven. And eight…) See, this is a reminder for ME too…as I wonder if my seven and eight year old will ever need me again or if they’ll ever be the very best of friends. (Ashley…they will.)

Memory lane…it can be a beast to walk down can’t it? Here’s a quote I want to end on, my soul sister Jen Hatmaker said it in her book ‘Of Mess and Moxie:”

“Of course, in a hundred years, no one will remember any of us and our story will be lost in obscurity, but for us, for all these years when we were kids and then grown-ups, when you were young parents and then grandparents, this is the only story that ever mattered, and it was such a marvelous one. The best story I ever imagined.”

While I sit and remember, and as I remember the hardships and the blessings…I am incredibly thankful that this IS my story—and that I am their Mom.

Let's Go Back to School, Tuesday Morning Style!

This post is sponsored by Tuesday Morning but all opinions are my own

School bell’s are ringing!! If you live in Kentucky anyway…! It’s always a transition, isn’t it? It feels like yesterday that our daughter was entering PreK and our son Kindergarten, and now here they are as first and second graders! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!? We feel pretty lucky that our kids love school and they get so excited about going back. Reese is a social butterfly and Pierson is an academic whiz; both are turning into all around excellent students. This year we wanted to do something a little different when we were preparing to go back, we thought it would be fun for the kids to come up with ideas for gifts for their teachers.

Both my husband Asa and I are also full time school teachers, and we know how special it feels when our students are thinking of us! Lucky for us we have a Tuesday Morning super close by our house, so one afternoon we went in and browsed all the aisles to come up with what I think are pretty cute gifts. The kids helped too, finding some beautiful miniature globes that they thought their teachers would love to have. We got those and found some decorative stickers to apply to them, adding the teacher’s name to the globes.

Reese wanted to do something ‘sweet’ for the teachers, and so we found some yummy cookies at Tuesday Morning (they look and taste homemade, yes, I had to sneak one) ;) She filled a little glass container we also purchased there, and we made a little note that said, “I’m going to be one SMART cookie with you as my teacher!”

Even though we ARE school teachers and the kids are great about school (i.e. doing their homework, reading, etc.) we did need a little more organization in our life this year. We decided to create a ‘school wall’ in our entry way, so that the kids could unpack their backpacks and put their papers or folders in labeled bins. This way, we can also keep track of what we need to sign and fill out and return. Pierson and Reese also loved this idea and of course made them even MORE excited about going back—they actually ASKED when we thought they would be able to get homework!!

Last but not least, let’s talk school lunches. How do your kids get lunch at their schools? Because Pierson and Reese’s Elementary offers free hot lunches, we don’t typically allow them to take a lunch every single day. (Hey, when you can save money, you save money, right?!) But we did want to be prepared for when they ARE able to take a lunch from home, so thanks to Tuesday Morning we were able to stock up on some new food containers for their lunch boxes. From teachers’ gifts to home organization to kitchen necessities, Tuesday Morning really had ALL the back to school needs!

Hopefully I have you convinced that you definitely don’t want to miss Tuesday Morning’s great deals and supplies for YOUR back-to-school transition?! Do you have one of their stores near you? Click here to find the closest one to your location, and I would love to see what you found with your kids when you go! While we chose to do more of a gift/organization/lunch haul, maybe you all need notebooks or planners or more supply related items. We love our Tuesday Morning and are really happy with all that we were able to find, and all within our back to school budget too! If you’d like to share a graphic on your social media platforms, I’ve posted one below! Thanks for reading, Y’all, and HAPPY SCHOOL SHOPPING! :) xx

August Happenings: It's Been a While

Well it happened again. I went an entire season (almost) without keeping up here and regularly posting/writing. Remember when I launched this blog back in January of 2016? My goal was to have fun with it, write often, document my kids lives, track what's happening, just take NOTE...and it's just NOT happening. That being said, I am praying about getting a better grip again, and for now, I'll write when I can. 

I had babies yesterday, and they're going into kindergarten and first grade next WEEK. If you've ever had any vacation time, you know how hard it is to return back to the workplace after some time off. I've come to the conclusion that it's hard for everyone, not just me. Time off is sweet. It's refreshing and peaceful. Yet it's also crazy, filled with adventure and breaking up *tons* of sibling arguments--around the clock. (I realize now that probably doesn't sound appealing to you whatsoever, but honest to God? I wouldn't trade it.)

May 31st until August 13th, we will have been off. A long [not long enough] time that I am so super grateful for.

So here is where I want to tell you what I love about these crazy beautiful kids I'm blessed to call mine :) 

Pierson: 
Six years old. Earlier this summer, he was absolutely obsessed with all things basketball. He played on his first team ever his kindergarten year, was the youngest on the team, and he finished the season like a champ. He's now in love with baseball, and daily wants to play catch with his dad. Ended kindergarten reading on an upper first grade level, kicked butt on all of his report cards, and was the kid on the highest behavior level (4) ALL school year long. His love language is gift giving, he cuddles in my arms every Sunday at church while we sing hymns, and asks me to tickle his back. His body dangles well past my knees, and it's getting to the point that I am wondering how much longer I'll be able to hold or carry him. Never, right? Promise me NEVER!! He is a good kid, a loyal kid, and I love every ounce of who he is. 

Reese, Reesie-Cup, Reese Elisabeth, Liz, Sis:
4 years old, 5 in just one month, Heaven help me. She got her ears pierced TODAY. We went for a manicure, and had a sweet and special day together. She's turned into my biggest barn helper and sincerely loves our horse. I think her love language is words of affirmation, just like me. She is genuinely interested in hearing about people's day; how a meeting went, or the horses were, or how my ride was at the barn. She loves to learn and color and sing. She seems to be very artistically inclined and has a natural talent for memorizing lyrics. She wants to start gymnastics...so we'll see if that can happen soon. She did her first ballet classes during her preschool year, and while she ended up crying all throughout the very last class, she seemed to enjoy all the others. She is sweet, super cuddly, and doesn't know a stranger. Oh how I adore this girl!! 

This summer has been really, really great. I photographed a wedding in Wisconsin, which was one of the best experiences of my photographing career. We went camping with family at Cumberland Falls here in Kentucky. And we also had a week of staycation, where we visited my brother and his wife in Nashville; we did an overnight stay at the Omni Downtown [more coming on that, ASAP!!!!], and we took the kids to Kentucky Kingdom, the Science Center, and a 'fancy restaraunt.' Also, Paddy and I are doing well, thank you, Jesus! I still have a lot of moments where I get fearful riding him, but he is so good, and so sweet. We have learned and grown a lot in the short four months we've been together! 

What's next? Asa and I start back in the classroom August 13th. I'll have kindergarten and first graders in the morning, fourth and fifth in the afternoon (same as last year.) I'll have the same instructional assistant, which will be great, and I really love the women working on my unit with me. Asa will still be teaching self-contained EBD (emotional behavioral disabilities), and he'll get to see OUR kids daily, which has me uber jealous. What is going on in your life? What has your summer looked like? We'll never forget two summers ago when our kids were literally sick the ENTIRE summer. They had Hand Foot Mouth, Strep, the never ending stomach flu...So we've thanked God OFTEN for good health this season.

 If you've read this, thank you!! I know I am not the best at posting here and I really do want to be better. Thanks for sticking with me and I hope your summer was wonderful!