A Spouse or a Roommate?

I always promise to be real with you all here. So this isn’t a blog post that I am necessarily PROUD to write? But one that I feel is super important to put out there.

Recently I had an incredibly convicting conversation with my husband. And I have a feeling I won’t be the only woman / spouse / person who has struggled with this.

“ I feel like we are simply coinciding. Like we are roommates and best friends. Not like our marriage is thriving or doing the best that it can.”

Ouch, right? Except it was so needed. I can have a tendency to go nonstop. So when the kids are down and it’s 9 o’clock at night, instead of spending time with my husband, I will brainstorm my side businesses. I’ll write newsletters to my oil customers, I’ll check in on my Young Living team, I’ll edit photos. And when I’m in those modes? The last thing I want is to be INTIMATE. So I just won’t be. Or I’ll shut him down. Or sometimes I’m even MEAN!

So let’s talk about intimacy.

Truthfully, and I’ve always been honest about this here, it’s been a struggle for me our entire marriage. This is due to past obstacles that I have had to face, and decisions I made when I was younger, that definitely were NOT the best for me or for my future husband (hence, how at 33 years old I still struggle.) I’ve blocked a lot of things out from a really bad period in my life when I was 18 years old and working for a much older horse trainer. I’ve never had REAL therapy about it (yes, I know I SHOULD), and I’m only writing this to share a little bit of a back story to help you see a glimpse into my ‘why’ I may struggle.

Asa has never been ANYTHING except patient, loving, selfless, and gracious through it all. Now, I’m not saying I freak out out or have panic attacks or anything. MOST of the time I thoroughly ENJOY when I can let myself relax and be present and intimate with my husband. But that’s kinda the problem…allowing myself to let go and putting a PRIORITY on my husband, is something I have severely been slacking at lately.

So we talked about it!

It’s also not JUST about the sex (there, I said it.) It is about the fact that I have put priorities on friends, members, my business, my HORSES; I will schedule all sorts of stuff and plan things and then it’s late at night and I’ve worked (taught) all day, and then mommed and worked some more late at night. He doesn’t deserve that! He doesn’t deserve to be treated simply like a friend, one who I ‘work into’ my schedule.

Timothy Keller in his book, “The Meaning of Marriage,” says something that I think is so beautiful and true:

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”

Not that I think my love has ever DRIED up for Asa. But I think I have had moments where I forgot to show love! I needed the reminder from HIM, as my precious and loving husband, to do the acts of love. To make time for him. To put the laptop away and watch a damn tv show with him. To set intentional date nights on our deck to be together. To laugh with him more, to ASK how I can help him, to pay attention more. To kiss him more deeply, to FLIRT, to joke, and to love.

Am I now the best at this and completely out of the woods because I’m sharing this vulnerable blog post? Nope. But my eyes have been opened. And I pray to God Asa never stops pursuing a magnificent marriage with me. I pray he NEVER stops choosing me or helping me learn how to be better.

We are almost thirteen years into marriage! I remember getting in our car and pulling away from our wedding at the age of TWENTY, wondering what a decade of marriage would look like. “Do you think we’ll be married for like THIRTY years?” I asked him. “I sure hope so,” he said. “You would be FIFTY…..” (My math skills aren’t the greatest, y’all and thirty sounded SO far.)

As I close here, I want to add that if you haven’t read The Meaning of Marriage, I can’t recommend it enough. Here is one more quote that I just love:

“What marriage is for: It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be.”

I WANT to be best friends with Asa. He IS my best friend. But at the same time, I think it is equally important that I am a WIFE to him. I am so thankful that we have been able to have BIG conversations throughout our marriage (here’s a blog post that talks about that!) I am so humbled by his love.

Can you relate? Have you gone through this with your spouse? Shoot me an email or comment and let’s connect. I’d love to be an ear for you if you need; both Asa and I really love trying to help married people love each other well.

Relationship Talk: Having Those BIG Conversations

Duh factor: no one LIKES to fight. Confrontation is hard, conflict makes us all feel uncomfy, and relationships can be so damn TOUGH. Especially when you’re in the one for the long haul. Everyone remembers their elementary boyfriends right? Or middle, or high school? Some of those looked like, “Hey, will you go OUT with me?” and thirty seconds later getting dumped by the jackass who was supposedly your boyfriend. Yeah, I’m not talking about THOSE relationships… so let’s cut to the chase now. I asked on Instagram recently for people to suggest some topics that THEY would benefit from, and what they wanted to hear from Asa and I; ya know, the oldies who’ve been married for twelve years!! [K, I get it, 12 years sounds like baby years to many of you reading this but I’ve also got the crowd of gals who are thinking, TWELVE YEARS?!?! THAT’S SOOOOO LONG!!] So, just keep reading because here is where Asa and I take turns sharing our hearts on having those BIG CONVERSATIONS……….

I remember one of my first fights with Ashley, she was clearly trying to get ME to end it with her. She was saying everything except “I want to break up”. The conversation/argument felt meaningless the longer it went on. So I leaned in, kissed her forehead and said “I’m not doing your dirty work for you. If you want out, you’ll have to do it yourself. I’m here for the long haul”. It was sort of a turning point for us. A maturation in our relationship. We started learning to shift our fights and conversations from “How do I win and prove my point” to “How do we grow through this as a couple.” It seems like such a small thing, but really, it’s one of the most important mental shifts we’ve ever made. 

Reading the blurb above from Asa made me wanna pop him—y’all know he did that same exact thing when I peed on the pregnancy stick and screamed, “What the F are we going to do?!” when I discovered we were pregnant…again?! He leaned over, kissed my forehead, and told me I’d have to break up with him if I wanted out…. I’m KIDDING. He so calmly and sweetly said, “We’re going to have a baby!” Yes, he’s generally the calm and level headed one, surprise surprise. But I don’t want you to think for a moment that our conversations or disagreements or arguments are always that EASY. Because they’re not. I remember that exact memory he recalled where I was trying to sabotage our relationship. And while it clearly worked out for us, and we DID mature and shift our fights and discussions; we still at times DO need to remind ourselves, “We can grow through this together…” 2020 Asa and Ashley also saw some serious maturation. The things that used to set us off and blow up as full blown fights have significantly diffused. We’ve learned when one of us is mad, especially REAL mad, picking at one another just won’t end well. We respect each other enough to give space, provide some time to step away, and nine times out of ten anymore we don’t get into yelling matches. (Lord, y’all, I’m going to eat my words aren’t I? Watch, tomorrow we’re going to lose our minds………………

Ashley and I both have a childhood upbringing in Church. We were raised in Christian homes by Christian parents who also had very different beliefs and views. If you have been a part of Christian culture for any length of time you already know they are one of the most divided groups. Christians bicker over scripture and interpretation of scripture at an unbelievable rate. Want some simple proof? According to Google, there are 30,000 denominations of Christianity world wide. Each one clearly believing their own unique brand of interpretation is the best. I digress, this post isn’t about the church. But it did lead her and I into some really heated and hard conversations about faith, what we believed, and how we practiced our faith. Some really, really big fights came out of it…

Yes, we were both raised in Christian homes by incredible parents. Very different parents. Very different churches. I have never ever been good at memorization and I don’t know the Bible super WELL, but I DO remember this verse (and have zero recollection when I actually memorized it): “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers, for what does darkness have in common with light?” [Don’t Google that, I was off in the exact words but you get the gist.] Friends— My point is, you NEED to have those faith filled conversations BEFORE you say you are IN it (your relationship) for the LONG haul. ESPECIALLY if you’re thinking marriage. Both Asa and I ARE Believers. We love Jesus, we seek God in ALL that we do; but y’all, we learned a LOT when we decided the church he grew up in and had spent twenty-four years being a part of, was NOT going to be our church home. I remember crying on the phone with my mom early on, (like first few months early on!) SO scared that I HAD made the wrong decision in marrying him. Asa and I had some BIG conversations and ultimately we came out on the other side very strong. Thankfully the Lord showed us how to cling to each other and how to find Him in our grace filled journey towards finding a new church.

Here’s the truth, the closer we got to marriage, the more important things like this were. You simply can’t hide the pillars of who you are early on, and then blitz your partner later with them. For both she and I, the single most important part of our identity then and now is our identity in Christ. So pretending it didn’t matter if we didn’t see eye to eye would have been completely disingenuous. Those conversations had to happen. And not just on religious matters; we had to discuss our plans for college, work, life, kids, previous relationships, sex, family, etc. Nothing could be off limits. Was it hard? Absolutely. Did we get angry and struggle to navigate through it sometimes? Of course. But remember, we were trying to grow through this as a couple, so it was always safe. 

Shew, this topic could get real heavy real quick, so I’ll try to keep it PG and I’ll try not to make anyone too cringy here. If you’re anything like me, you had some emotional baggage going into marriage. Beyond just ‘emotional baggage,’ maybe you even had experienced past sexual trauma. Is that hard for me to write in a blog post, shared on the Internet for God Knows Who to read? Sure, a little. But it’s the truth. It’s part of my story. As an eighteen year old and moving to a brand new city, I fell into the hands and life of a man and boss who did NOT have my best interest in mind. Shit happened, and while I take a weird sense of pride in exclaiming I never had sex with him, I didn’t have to for the toil everything that DID happen, to completely wreak havoc into parts of my married sex life. This is where BIG CONVERSATIONS are important, and SO MUCH SO in having them before you walk down the aisle; before you are lying in bed next to the amazing person you just committed your life to. A couple once told us they NEVER wanted to discuss with one another their past relationships (especially sexual it seemed.) We were both shocked because, friends, intimacy is not an area that any of us will (or should) take lightly. Knowing what is okay and what is NOT okay (in the bedroom and beyond), is so crucial. There are times and moments that I am easily triggered, and if Asa did not KNOW my past?? I cannot imagine what that part of our life would look like? Have the big talks. Be honest with one another. Am I saying you have to share every single nitty gritty detailed full event with your partner/spouse? Not at all…but I do encourage you to be honest and patient and to continuously pray and seek grace TOGETHER.

Here is the thing, we found out that what she and I were taught growing up shaped us, molded us, but didn’t define us. We took who we were raised to be, and grew into new people together. When topics that really were hard came up l(like sex, or kids, or where we would live)… we learned to work through it with love and patience. Ashley told me when we were dating that she never wanted children. (She can share more of that later or maybe she already has.) I told her that I wouldn’t force the issue, but that I had always said “If I have one kid, I’ll have two. No more than three”. I think you know how that story ends. Because early on, our understanding of who we are, and what we want would change a hundred times over. And big conversations have to happen in every facet of your relationship, and often, more than once. We STILL have big conversations. About money, future land, what we want to watch on Netflix, big important things. Those conversations are hard at times (especially the Netflix part…), but they get easier the more love and trust grows between us. I am confident when we need to have hard conversations, about big important topics, that despite the potential for hurt feelings, anger and resentment, the goal is always “How do we grow through this together?”

I love him. Isn’t he good? It’s so fun to read what Asa wrote throughout (we write these separately!) and to find my own thoughts and words and memories to fill in the spaces. But anyway—the point is, you can do this. And if you have zero desire TO do this with the person you are dating, you may want to do some soul searching and praying. If you’re married and this blog post has you freaked out, don’t let it. We KNOW having big conversations and tough talks are HARD. Relationships are hard, marriage is HARD. But it is also beautiful. I cannot imagine being with anyone else who knows literally ALL my deepest and darkest secrets, who has SEEN so much of my ugly, and who still chooses me over, and over, and over again. But hey, we are still human. We definitely have moments where we really don’t like each other, but we DO love each other. And we choose EACH OTHER, always. How do we grow through this together?

Lots of prayer (together), lots of laughter, lots of Netflix, and lots of love and grace.