Walking through Negative Self Image [and Here for You Too!]

If we could keep a literal log of how many times we complimented other people, I wonder what it would be. How quick are we to tell our friend how cute or pretty she looks today, or compliment someone’s hair, outfit, smile, etc. Especially if words of affirmation come naturally to you, I feel like this number would be pretty high, right?

Now about a log for how often you compliment YOURSELF…?

Ouch.

This is a place where honesty and transparency are strong values for me. This is a space where I confide, vent, share, (sometimes overshare), and attempt to uplift or encourage you, wherever you are, whoever you are. So let’s chat just for a minute about where I’m at. Turning 34 in 18 days, mom of two (8 and 9), wife of 13 years, church goer, Jesus lover, full time teacher, horse owner, dog and cat owner, part time photographer, oily obsessed woman.

And that woman is STRUGGLING when she looks in a mirror, or passes by ANYTHING that shows her reflection.

Now that you’ve read that sentence and your brain is processing it—I remind and ask you not to judge. However old of a person or woman you are, PLEASE do not ‘come at me’ for these negative thoughts. If this hasn’t been an area of struggle for you, like ever, than this may not resonate with you, but I think that’s okay. I’ve been a little quiet on “the internet” about this because sometimes I feel more sensitive than I did years ago. (It’s like I’m a giant mixture of Zero F’s to give and ‘ouch that really hurt my feelings’ kinda gal lately??) But the more it’s been sitting in my heart and thoughts the more I’ve asked myself, ‘WHY aren’t you sharing about this??”

So here we are, y’all. Total honesty.

My businesses require me to show my face, a LOT, online. Yep, that was my decision and it’s one honestly I’m pretty proud of. I’ve had no shame really showing up in my Instagram stories ‘chatting with you’ from afar. And we all love the pretty filters (not ALL the filters, good Lord there are some that literally CHANGE our entire FACES…those are disturbing.) But c’mon, SOME filters are what make IG a little more fun! So I have a few favorites. And I’ve noticed LATELY…even with filters, (Midnight Sun is my fave if you’re wondering), I am feeling more insecure than ever about showing my face. And because REAL LIFE does not have HAVE a filter slapped on it, it’s been even MORE hard for me to look in a real mirror or pass by one. At work in the fluorescent bathroom lighting or even in my own home in natural light…I cringe. I complain. I feel burdened and sad (a little depressed honestly) and I’ve cried several times when trying to process it aloud with my husband.

I’m getting older. (Duh, Ashley..) and my face is changing. A LOT. It seems kind of drastic to me the difference in appearance I see within it in the past six months even. For SO long I have complained about ‘baggy’ or ‘puffy eyes’ and each day is different than the one before it. And then while researching I had an AHA moment when I found articles on the tear trough region. OMG THAT’S ME. I realized. My under eye is CHANGING. I’m getting OLDER. I guess I’m losing volume in my cheeks?! And I get asked, OFTEN, if I am tired or if I have been crying. (Thanks..) and the answer is NOPE.

This isn’t a post on tear troughs though. It’s one about negative self image and how I am hoping and praying to work through it.

Lately it feels like a lot. It’s easy for me to struggle with obsessive thoughts (add that to the list of Ashley’s worries) and I tend to be having them a lot with negative self-image. Every year that goes by I keep pushing away. Getting older. It’s obvious. Slightly mundane. And it’s inevitable. I blinked and was suddenly in my thirties—and the same will be true for my forties, fifties, sixties, and beyond (if blessed to live that long right?)

Today I asked my husband to pray with me. Our pastor had a GREAT lesson and during our time of communion left this question on the screen, ‘Other than the cross, what trust structures are you looking to for happiness, significance, and security?’ As I prayed, I knew that I have been placing my trust and security in my self-image. I have been feeling as though my WORTH resides there…that I won’t be as likable or lovable if I don’t love what I see in my reflection. Asa prayed with me when we got home and tears rolled down my cheeks. And then I became annoyed as I said, “SEE? I won’t even let myself REALLY cry because I don’t want my eyes to be even PUFFIER!”

It’s what HE shared with me that I think may help you too, my beloved reader. He has been so sweet and assuring, reminding me often that I need to find my faith and hope in something greater than physical appearances. That our (my) self-image should not be the paramount thing leading and giving me direction and purpose in life. I honestly do not in this moment believe I will wake up in the morning and suddenly LOVE what I see. Nor feel super accepting about it. But how will I react, behave, and live my life out even if that’s the case. My GOAL in life is to be Christ’s Ambassador. To LOVE others: people, coworkers, family, friends, acquaintances, to love YOU.

I feel undeserving of so many in my life who love me. Who have put up with my texts and loved me through my insecurities. I’ve dialogued a lot with one of my sister in law’s about life (so of course THIS topic) and one of her texts almost made me cry. I told Asa that between him, her, and others, I should feel like a Princess. And truthfully, I SHOULD. I KNOW that I am loved. I KNOW that when you look at me, you do not SEE what I see. So perhaps after reading this, you can help me hold me accountable. I may need a gentler spirit these days and a few more affirmations, but just stick with me.

I also want to state that I do not believe it is wrong or sinful to want to look good. I really think we all (most?!?) WANT to feel beautiful. But desiring to look good on the outside should not be our stronghold, it should not be greater than our desire to be one with God. I’ve needed a ginormous reality check and believe me, I’ve had one. I don’t think I instantly become more secure after reading affirmations or even praying (often), but my goal is to continue to show up ANYWAY. Love others MORE than I love myself. Love my husband and kids and family and friends and YOU, more than I care about my tear troughs. [Okay, typing that just made me giggle a little. I 100% realize how silly this may sound to you, my tolerant reader.]

If you need a virtual hug, shoot me an email. Let’s connect. I’m here for you and I am so thankful that you are here for me too.

Liven Up Your Next Cookout: Peach Bourbon Jalapeno Jelly Burger with White Cheddar + Caramelized Onions

Another burger recipe, because we just couldn’t NOT share it. So many asked us about the Kentucky Derby Winning Burger and I loved hearing how much you loved it once you made it! We all know Asa is the Chef behind everything and I’m the lucky one who gets to indulge in his creations after I take pretty pictures! For your Twinning Tuesday, we are sharing a new burger favorite: Asa’s Peach Bourbon Jalapeno Jelly Burger with White Cheddar and Caramelized Onions

Ingredients:

3 Tbsp Butter (separated)
Red Onion-Thinly Sliced
Good Buns (We prefer Pretzel or Brioche)
1 lbs Kentucky Cattleman’s Ground Beef
1 Cup Peach Jelly
2 oz of Bourbon
1 Jalapeno Minced
1 Cup Shredded White Cheddar
Salt and Pepper

HOW TO MAKE IT:

Start by putting your thinly sliced red onion into a sauce pan with 1 tbsp butter and a pinch of salt. Over medium heat cook until the onions are a deep brown color and fully caramelized. Stirring occasionally as the cook. This will take approx. 10-15 minutes.

Meanwhile, in a medium sauce pot, add 1 tbsp butter and jalapeño and sautéed over medium high heat. Add to that the jelly and the bourbon and whisk to combine. The jelly should be rather thin at this point. Continue cooking over medium high heat until the jelly has thickened and reduced. Approx. 5 minutes. Set aside and allow it to cool.

Portion out the Cattleman’s ground beef into three equal portions. Form into patties and season both sides generously with salt and pepper. Grill over medium high heat until you have achieved your desired doneness. Add the shredded white cheddar to the top of the burger in the last minute or so to allow time for it to melt.

Assembly: Lightly butter and toast the top and bottom buns. Place the bottom bun, burger and cheese down. Top that with the caramelized onion. Add a generous portion of the peach, bourbon jalapeño jelly to the top bun and set onto.

You will definitely liven up your next cookout with this burger recipe! It’s savory, sweet AND spicy, and don’t forget to use Kentucky Cattlemen’s Ground Beef to make it! The quality of meat DOES matter and I promise your burgers will always be better with this brand. PS: nope, this wasn’t sponsored. We just love it that much ;)

Relationship Talk: Having Those BIG Conversations

Duh factor: no one LIKES to fight. Confrontation is hard, conflict makes us all feel uncomfy, and relationships can be so damn TOUGH. Especially when you’re in the one for the long haul. Everyone remembers their elementary boyfriends right? Or middle, or high school? Some of those looked like, “Hey, will you go OUT with me?” and thirty seconds later getting dumped by the jackass who was supposedly your boyfriend. Yeah, I’m not talking about THOSE relationships… so let’s cut to the chase now. I asked on Instagram recently for people to suggest some topics that THEY would benefit from, and what they wanted to hear from Asa and I; ya know, the oldies who’ve been married for twelve years!! [K, I get it, 12 years sounds like baby years to many of you reading this but I’ve also got the crowd of gals who are thinking, TWELVE YEARS?!?! THAT’S SOOOOO LONG!!] So, just keep reading because here is where Asa and I take turns sharing our hearts on having those BIG CONVERSATIONS……….

I remember one of my first fights with Ashley, she was clearly trying to get ME to end it with her. She was saying everything except “I want to break up”. The conversation/argument felt meaningless the longer it went on. So I leaned in, kissed her forehead and said “I’m not doing your dirty work for you. If you want out, you’ll have to do it yourself. I’m here for the long haul”. It was sort of a turning point for us. A maturation in our relationship. We started learning to shift our fights and conversations from “How do I win and prove my point” to “How do we grow through this as a couple.” It seems like such a small thing, but really, it’s one of the most important mental shifts we’ve ever made. 

Reading the blurb above from Asa made me wanna pop him—y’all know he did that same exact thing when I peed on the pregnancy stick and screamed, “What the F are we going to do?!” when I discovered we were pregnant…again?! He leaned over, kissed my forehead, and told me I’d have to break up with him if I wanted out…. I’m KIDDING. He so calmly and sweetly said, “We’re going to have a baby!” Yes, he’s generally the calm and level headed one, surprise surprise. But I don’t want you to think for a moment that our conversations or disagreements or arguments are always that EASY. Because they’re not. I remember that exact memory he recalled where I was trying to sabotage our relationship. And while it clearly worked out for us, and we DID mature and shift our fights and discussions; we still at times DO need to remind ourselves, “We can grow through this together…” 2020 Asa and Ashley also saw some serious maturation. The things that used to set us off and blow up as full blown fights have significantly diffused. We’ve learned when one of us is mad, especially REAL mad, picking at one another just won’t end well. We respect each other enough to give space, provide some time to step away, and nine times out of ten anymore we don’t get into yelling matches. (Lord, y’all, I’m going to eat my words aren’t I? Watch, tomorrow we’re going to lose our minds………………

Ashley and I both have a childhood upbringing in Church. We were raised in Christian homes by Christian parents who also had very different beliefs and views. If you have been a part of Christian culture for any length of time you already know they are one of the most divided groups. Christians bicker over scripture and interpretation of scripture at an unbelievable rate. Want some simple proof? According to Google, there are 30,000 denominations of Christianity world wide. Each one clearly believing their own unique brand of interpretation is the best. I digress, this post isn’t about the church. But it did lead her and I into some really heated and hard conversations about faith, what we believed, and how we practiced our faith. Some really, really big fights came out of it…

Yes, we were both raised in Christian homes by incredible parents. Very different parents. Very different churches. I have never ever been good at memorization and I don’t know the Bible super WELL, but I DO remember this verse (and have zero recollection when I actually memorized it): “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers, for what does darkness have in common with light?” [Don’t Google that, I was off in the exact words but you get the gist.] Friends— My point is, you NEED to have those faith filled conversations BEFORE you say you are IN it (your relationship) for the LONG haul. ESPECIALLY if you’re thinking marriage. Both Asa and I ARE Believers. We love Jesus, we seek God in ALL that we do; but y’all, we learned a LOT when we decided the church he grew up in and had spent twenty-four years being a part of, was NOT going to be our church home. I remember crying on the phone with my mom early on, (like first few months early on!) SO scared that I HAD made the wrong decision in marrying him. Asa and I had some BIG conversations and ultimately we came out on the other side very strong. Thankfully the Lord showed us how to cling to each other and how to find Him in our grace filled journey towards finding a new church.

Here’s the truth, the closer we got to marriage, the more important things like this were. You simply can’t hide the pillars of who you are early on, and then blitz your partner later with them. For both she and I, the single most important part of our identity then and now is our identity in Christ. So pretending it didn’t matter if we didn’t see eye to eye would have been completely disingenuous. Those conversations had to happen. And not just on religious matters; we had to discuss our plans for college, work, life, kids, previous relationships, sex, family, etc. Nothing could be off limits. Was it hard? Absolutely. Did we get angry and struggle to navigate through it sometimes? Of course. But remember, we were trying to grow through this as a couple, so it was always safe. 

Shew, this topic could get real heavy real quick, so I’ll try to keep it PG and I’ll try not to make anyone too cringy here. If you’re anything like me, you had some emotional baggage going into marriage. Beyond just ‘emotional baggage,’ maybe you even had experienced past sexual trauma. Is that hard for me to write in a blog post, shared on the Internet for God Knows Who to read? Sure, a little. But it’s the truth. It’s part of my story. As an eighteen year old and moving to a brand new city, I fell into the hands and life of a man and boss who did NOT have my best interest in mind. Shit happened, and while I take a weird sense of pride in exclaiming I never had sex with him, I didn’t have to for the toil everything that DID happen, to completely wreak havoc into parts of my married sex life. This is where BIG CONVERSATIONS are important, and SO MUCH SO in having them before you walk down the aisle; before you are lying in bed next to the amazing person you just committed your life to. A couple once told us they NEVER wanted to discuss with one another their past relationships (especially sexual it seemed.) We were both shocked because, friends, intimacy is not an area that any of us will (or should) take lightly. Knowing what is okay and what is NOT okay (in the bedroom and beyond), is so crucial. There are times and moments that I am easily triggered, and if Asa did not KNOW my past?? I cannot imagine what that part of our life would look like? Have the big talks. Be honest with one another. Am I saying you have to share every single nitty gritty detailed full event with your partner/spouse? Not at all…but I do encourage you to be honest and patient and to continuously pray and seek grace TOGETHER.

Here is the thing, we found out that what she and I were taught growing up shaped us, molded us, but didn’t define us. We took who we were raised to be, and grew into new people together. When topics that really were hard came up l(like sex, or kids, or where we would live)… we learned to work through it with love and patience. Ashley told me when we were dating that she never wanted children. (She can share more of that later or maybe she already has.) I told her that I wouldn’t force the issue, but that I had always said “If I have one kid, I’ll have two. No more than three”. I think you know how that story ends. Because early on, our understanding of who we are, and what we want would change a hundred times over. And big conversations have to happen in every facet of your relationship, and often, more than once. We STILL have big conversations. About money, future land, what we want to watch on Netflix, big important things. Those conversations are hard at times (especially the Netflix part…), but they get easier the more love and trust grows between us. I am confident when we need to have hard conversations, about big important topics, that despite the potential for hurt feelings, anger and resentment, the goal is always “How do we grow through this together?”

I love him. Isn’t he good? It’s so fun to read what Asa wrote throughout (we write these separately!) and to find my own thoughts and words and memories to fill in the spaces. But anyway—the point is, you can do this. And if you have zero desire TO do this with the person you are dating, you may want to do some soul searching and praying. If you’re married and this blog post has you freaked out, don’t let it. We KNOW having big conversations and tough talks are HARD. Relationships are hard, marriage is HARD. But it is also beautiful. I cannot imagine being with anyone else who knows literally ALL my deepest and darkest secrets, who has SEEN so much of my ugly, and who still chooses me over, and over, and over again. But hey, we are still human. We definitely have moments where we really don’t like each other, but we DO love each other. And we choose EACH OTHER, always. How do we grow through this together?

Lots of prayer (together), lots of laughter, lots of Netflix, and lots of love and grace.

Marry a Man Who Can Fold Fitted Sheets (the RIGHT way)

Lately I have seen a mixture of blog posts from different authors, thanking their husband’s for being the men that they are. (Way to go, Ladies. I really believe our men deserve SO much more credit than they are often given!) I actually sent one to my husband, but in that woman’s list, I kept thinking, “That doesn’t REALLY sound like me.” Because it wasn’t, obviously. Also because she thanked hers for not complaining when she’s the first to shower and uses all the hot water, and that didn’t align to our marriage ;) He makes it well known that he prefers me to shower the night before, as to NOT use up his morning hot water—haha! Love you, Babe. But really, I think there are a lot of posts on motherhood and how ‘moms do so much,’ and that is why I want to share a blurb here, with you, and for my husband. Because my husband does a LOT, and he deserves a TON of credit for helping our house be a happy home. A little side note, have you met my husband? Maybe you have seen him on my Instagram account through stories and when we have shared ‘live’ before. And many of you do probably know him personally. But if you don’t…

He is tall, dark, and handsome. No, really. He is six foot four, has Italian genetics, and he’s INCREDIBLY good looking. Some may think I married up, and I will happily admit that.

But more than those things, my husband works his butt off in every single thing that he does. And one of the things that he does the VERY best, is being Dad to our two children. He is THE most patient person I am convinced, in the whole world. While my temper is prone to show its’ ugly face in the heat of our children’s whining and bickering, he is tried and true, and CALMLY handles the situation. Another thing that he does incredibly well, is loving ME. When I met him as a nineteen year old, I know I told him about my love for horses…but did he ever really expect me to OWN not one but TWO giant Thoroughbreds, and for me to be gone OFTEN caring for them…? No, probably not. Yet here he is, supportive, encouraging, and uplifting—loving me through ALL my neurotic horse crazed moments.

So, Dear, Sweet, Handsome Hunk of a Husband…

1 . Thank you first, for choosing me. For choosing me when I have a nasty attitude, when I am moody and hormonal, when I am insecure and doubt, and when I am simply in a funk. Thank you for choosing me when I get mad and upset, when I mess up and make poor choices, and when I can’t process well what I am feeling. Thank you for choosing me in my better, my worse, and everything in between.

2.I see in you so much determination and so much strength. You have this way about you that calms me, and that boosts our families spirits. Thank you for making us laugh, for helping us shake our stinky attitudes, and for being such a light to us and others.

3. If I didn’t have you, I would either a.) starve, because I’d eat incredibly small meals and/or skip food entirely or 2.) I would be incredibly unhealthy because my main meals would be Doritos, Mac n’ Cheese, and Cookie Crisp. Thank you for cooking for our family. For coming up with weekly menus, and doing the planning, grocery shopping, and meal prepping. Now that I type that out, I do believe all the women reading this will officially hate me for how great you are, but haters are gonna hate. Thanks for loving me even though I do NOT do those things.

4. Often I am irrational, neurotic, and don’t think the highest of myself. How many times have I pointed out my face wrinkles (or pimples) with dislike, and how many have you reassured me that you think that I am beautiful. Thank you for loving me through my insecurities. For wanting to be intimate with me, and for reminding me that you want ME. No one else. I feel comfortable and at ease with you. Maybe with other people I would feel like hiding my stomach wrinkles or be super aware of that loose skin; but not with you. Thank you for loving my mom body :)

5. You are patient and kind. Our children ADORE YOU, and you are such a hero in their (and my) eyes. The way our son looks up to you, wanting to be just like dad…there is a reason. It is because you embody the best qualities. You are showing them what it MEANS to be a father and a husband. You are showing our boy how he will someday need to care for his future wife, and how HE can be an amazing father to his own children. You show our daughter what it looks like to be loved, respected, and empowered. You verbally believe in me, and within that she sees how her future husband should believe and celebrate HER. I don’t think she will ever question if she is loved, and that quality is going to largely be because of you. Thank you. For being their role model and my dearest friend.

6. You make sure EVERYONE is taken care of, always. You plate the kids food and mine, before getting your own. You draw me bubble baths and provide space for me when I need it. You play basketball with our son even when you may be too tired. You wrestle our daughter because she LIVES for that, and you take her on dates, which mean the world to her. (“Can we go to El Nopal though?” ;)]

7. I tend to panic. You stay calm. I worry and wonder. You stay grounded and trust. I am worst case scenario when anxiety strikes. You are, ‘how can we fix this?’ I am insecure and question love. You are my favorite arms and safest hug. Thank you, for being all of this and more.

8. You fold our fitted sheets just like my mom. Which basically means you fold them perfectly. This will never cease to amaze me, and I am convinced if I didn’t have you, I would either not own fitted sheets, or they would just be wadded up when put away. Bless you for being the manly homemaker that you are. (Seriously though.)

9. You not only listen to my dreams, you ask how we can make them a reality. Because of you, the future is never scary, it is thrilling. I cannot wait to do life with you—forever.

10. Husband, you are such a help. In so many ways. And you always have been. When I needed you in the middle of the night as I nursed our babies, you were there. You were my rock during pregnancy, birth, and still to this day while they are now five and six. You help me do dishes, fold laundry, clean, sort, organize, de-clutter, take pictures, style for social media, come up with words when I seem to lose mine. Your heart is big, you love SO deeply, and I am just completely, absolutely, without a doubt in love with you.

Love,

Yours Truly
aka the girl who would be lost (and very unhealthy) without you