Walking through Negative Self Image [and Here for You Too!]

If we could keep a literal log of how many times we complimented other people, I wonder what it would be. How quick are we to tell our friend how cute or pretty she looks today, or compliment someone’s hair, outfit, smile, etc. Especially if words of affirmation come naturally to you, I feel like this number would be pretty high, right?

Now about a log for how often you compliment YOURSELF…?

Ouch.

This is a place where honesty and transparency are strong values for me. This is a space where I confide, vent, share, (sometimes overshare), and attempt to uplift or encourage you, wherever you are, whoever you are. So let’s chat just for a minute about where I’m at. Turning 34 in 18 days, mom of two (8 and 9), wife of 13 years, church goer, Jesus lover, full time teacher, horse owner, dog and cat owner, part time photographer, oily obsessed woman.

And that woman is STRUGGLING when she looks in a mirror, or passes by ANYTHING that shows her reflection.

Now that you’ve read that sentence and your brain is processing it—I remind and ask you not to judge. However old of a person or woman you are, PLEASE do not ‘come at me’ for these negative thoughts. If this hasn’t been an area of struggle for you, like ever, than this may not resonate with you, but I think that’s okay. I’ve been a little quiet on “the internet” about this because sometimes I feel more sensitive than I did years ago. (It’s like I’m a giant mixture of Zero F’s to give and ‘ouch that really hurt my feelings’ kinda gal lately??) But the more it’s been sitting in my heart and thoughts the more I’ve asked myself, ‘WHY aren’t you sharing about this??”

So here we are, y’all. Total honesty.

My businesses require me to show my face, a LOT, online. Yep, that was my decision and it’s one honestly I’m pretty proud of. I’ve had no shame really showing up in my Instagram stories ‘chatting with you’ from afar. And we all love the pretty filters (not ALL the filters, good Lord there are some that literally CHANGE our entire FACES…those are disturbing.) But c’mon, SOME filters are what make IG a little more fun! So I have a few favorites. And I’ve noticed LATELY…even with filters, (Midnight Sun is my fave if you’re wondering), I am feeling more insecure than ever about showing my face. And because REAL LIFE does not have HAVE a filter slapped on it, it’s been even MORE hard for me to look in a real mirror or pass by one. At work in the fluorescent bathroom lighting or even in my own home in natural light…I cringe. I complain. I feel burdened and sad (a little depressed honestly) and I’ve cried several times when trying to process it aloud with my husband.

I’m getting older. (Duh, Ashley..) and my face is changing. A LOT. It seems kind of drastic to me the difference in appearance I see within it in the past six months even. For SO long I have complained about ‘baggy’ or ‘puffy eyes’ and each day is different than the one before it. And then while researching I had an AHA moment when I found articles on the tear trough region. OMG THAT’S ME. I realized. My under eye is CHANGING. I’m getting OLDER. I guess I’m losing volume in my cheeks?! And I get asked, OFTEN, if I am tired or if I have been crying. (Thanks..) and the answer is NOPE.

This isn’t a post on tear troughs though. It’s one about negative self image and how I am hoping and praying to work through it.

Lately it feels like a lot. It’s easy for me to struggle with obsessive thoughts (add that to the list of Ashley’s worries) and I tend to be having them a lot with negative self-image. Every year that goes by I keep pushing away. Getting older. It’s obvious. Slightly mundane. And it’s inevitable. I blinked and was suddenly in my thirties—and the same will be true for my forties, fifties, sixties, and beyond (if blessed to live that long right?)

Today I asked my husband to pray with me. Our pastor had a GREAT lesson and during our time of communion left this question on the screen, ‘Other than the cross, what trust structures are you looking to for happiness, significance, and security?’ As I prayed, I knew that I have been placing my trust and security in my self-image. I have been feeling as though my WORTH resides there…that I won’t be as likable or lovable if I don’t love what I see in my reflection. Asa prayed with me when we got home and tears rolled down my cheeks. And then I became annoyed as I said, “SEE? I won’t even let myself REALLY cry because I don’t want my eyes to be even PUFFIER!”

It’s what HE shared with me that I think may help you too, my beloved reader. He has been so sweet and assuring, reminding me often that I need to find my faith and hope in something greater than physical appearances. That our (my) self-image should not be the paramount thing leading and giving me direction and purpose in life. I honestly do not in this moment believe I will wake up in the morning and suddenly LOVE what I see. Nor feel super accepting about it. But how will I react, behave, and live my life out even if that’s the case. My GOAL in life is to be Christ’s Ambassador. To LOVE others: people, coworkers, family, friends, acquaintances, to love YOU.

I feel undeserving of so many in my life who love me. Who have put up with my texts and loved me through my insecurities. I’ve dialogued a lot with one of my sister in law’s about life (so of course THIS topic) and one of her texts almost made me cry. I told Asa that between him, her, and others, I should feel like a Princess. And truthfully, I SHOULD. I KNOW that I am loved. I KNOW that when you look at me, you do not SEE what I see. So perhaps after reading this, you can help me hold me accountable. I may need a gentler spirit these days and a few more affirmations, but just stick with me.

I also want to state that I do not believe it is wrong or sinful to want to look good. I really think we all (most?!?) WANT to feel beautiful. But desiring to look good on the outside should not be our stronghold, it should not be greater than our desire to be one with God. I’ve needed a ginormous reality check and believe me, I’ve had one. I don’t think I instantly become more secure after reading affirmations or even praying (often), but my goal is to continue to show up ANYWAY. Love others MORE than I love myself. Love my husband and kids and family and friends and YOU, more than I care about my tear troughs. [Okay, typing that just made me giggle a little. I 100% realize how silly this may sound to you, my tolerant reader.]

If you need a virtual hug, shoot me an email. Let’s connect. I’m here for you and I am so thankful that you are here for me too.

Nacho Island Night!

A few years ago we went to an epic nacho night at our friends house. They have an incredible island (it’s HUGE) and Asa had the idea to wrap it in parchment paper and throw down some nachos. Well, the last year or so hasn’t allowed to us to ya know, hang OUT with friends…so recently we were extra thankful to host our own epic nacho night with another great couple!

We don’t play when it comes to nachos. They are Asa’s favorite food and a huge family favorite. You can make nachos however YOU like, but here’s how Asa does his:

-Sauté onions and brown your Kentucky Cattlemen’s Ground Beef
-Season with your very taco seasoning
-Top with corn, black beans, tomatoes (jalapeños too if you like!)
-And NEVER skimp out on the QUESO, my friends!

Because of the parchment paper, clean up is SUPER easy!! Basically you each claim a corner of the nacho island and then that’s your very own ‘plate!’ It’s genius, it’s fun, and it’s delicious. Tell us when you try this, I want to hear what YOUR favorite nacho toppings are!

A Spouse or a Roommate?

I always promise to be real with you all here. So this isn’t a blog post that I am necessarily PROUD to write? But one that I feel is super important to put out there.

Recently I had an incredibly convicting conversation with my husband. And I have a feeling I won’t be the only woman / spouse / person who has struggled with this.

“ I feel like we are simply coinciding. Like we are roommates and best friends. Not like our marriage is thriving or doing the best that it can.”

Ouch, right? Except it was so needed. I can have a tendency to go nonstop. So when the kids are down and it’s 9 o’clock at night, instead of spending time with my husband, I will brainstorm my side businesses. I’ll write newsletters to my oil customers, I’ll check in on my Young Living team, I’ll edit photos. And when I’m in those modes? The last thing I want is to be INTIMATE. So I just won’t be. Or I’ll shut him down. Or sometimes I’m even MEAN!

So let’s talk about intimacy.

Truthfully, and I’ve always been honest about this here, it’s been a struggle for me our entire marriage. This is due to past obstacles that I have had to face, and decisions I made when I was younger, that definitely were NOT the best for me or for my future husband (hence, how at 33 years old I still struggle.) I’ve blocked a lot of things out from a really bad period in my life when I was 18 years old and working for a much older horse trainer. I’ve never had REAL therapy about it (yes, I know I SHOULD), and I’m only writing this to share a little bit of a back story to help you see a glimpse into my ‘why’ I may struggle.

Asa has never been ANYTHING except patient, loving, selfless, and gracious through it all. Now, I’m not saying I freak out out or have panic attacks or anything. MOST of the time I thoroughly ENJOY when I can let myself relax and be present and intimate with my husband. But that’s kinda the problem…allowing myself to let go and putting a PRIORITY on my husband, is something I have severely been slacking at lately.

So we talked about it!

It’s also not JUST about the sex (there, I said it.) It is about the fact that I have put priorities on friends, members, my business, my HORSES; I will schedule all sorts of stuff and plan things and then it’s late at night and I’ve worked (taught) all day, and then mommed and worked some more late at night. He doesn’t deserve that! He doesn’t deserve to be treated simply like a friend, one who I ‘work into’ my schedule.

Timothy Keller in his book, “The Meaning of Marriage,” says something that I think is so beautiful and true:

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”

Not that I think my love has ever DRIED up for Asa. But I think I have had moments where I forgot to show love! I needed the reminder from HIM, as my precious and loving husband, to do the acts of love. To make time for him. To put the laptop away and watch a damn tv show with him. To set intentional date nights on our deck to be together. To laugh with him more, to ASK how I can help him, to pay attention more. To kiss him more deeply, to FLIRT, to joke, and to love.

Am I now the best at this and completely out of the woods because I’m sharing this vulnerable blog post? Nope. But my eyes have been opened. And I pray to God Asa never stops pursuing a magnificent marriage with me. I pray he NEVER stops choosing me or helping me learn how to be better.

We are almost thirteen years into marriage! I remember getting in our car and pulling away from our wedding at the age of TWENTY, wondering what a decade of marriage would look like. “Do you think we’ll be married for like THIRTY years?” I asked him. “I sure hope so,” he said. “You would be FIFTY…..” (My math skills aren’t the greatest, y’all and thirty sounded SO far.)

As I close here, I want to add that if you haven’t read The Meaning of Marriage, I can’t recommend it enough. Here is one more quote that I just love:

“What marriage is for: It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be.”

I WANT to be best friends with Asa. He IS my best friend. But at the same time, I think it is equally important that I am a WIFE to him. I am so thankful that we have been able to have BIG conversations throughout our marriage (here’s a blog post that talks about that!) I am so humbled by his love.

Can you relate? Have you gone through this with your spouse? Shoot me an email or comment and let’s connect. I’d love to be an ear for you if you need; both Asa and I really love trying to help married people love each other well.

Delicious, Simple, Must Make Cinnamon Rolls

Making homemade cinnamon rolls has always been an intimidating thought for me…it always seemed like so much dang work. I won’t say this was incredibly fast, but it’s a straightforward recipe and I am so excited to share it with you.

Here’s how to make the dough. Make sure you have these ingredients:
-1 cup warm milk (heated to 110-degrees)
-4.5 cups flour
-2 eggs room temperature
-1/3 cup melted butter
-1 teaspoon salt
-1/2 cup white sugar
-2.5 teaspoons yeast

Dissolve the yeast in the warm milk in a large bowl. Mix in the sugar, butter, salt, and eggs. Add flour and mix well. Knead the dough into a large bowl, using your hands dusted lightly with flour. Put in a bowl, cover, and let rise in a warm place for about an hour, or until it is doubled in size.

We discovered our kitchen was too chilly. We had tried to cover the yeast as directed and set a timer for an hour. It hadn’t risen at all. So my husband googled a solution and read that we should get the oven warm, not hot, so around 100-degrees. He did that for a minute or so, turned the oven back off, and closed the bowl inside. After about an hour inside the oven (remember, not HOT, just warm) the dough rose just as it needed to!

What’s next…
You’ll need these ingredients for the delicious, mouth watering, filling:
-1 cup of packed brown sugar
-2.5 Tablespoons ground cinnamon
-1/3 cup melted butter

After the dough has doubled in size, turn it out on a lightly floured surface, cover, and let rest for 10 more minutes. In a small bowl, combine the brown sugar and cinnamon. Roll dough into a 16x21 rectangle. Brush the dough with melted butter, sprinkle with sugar/cinnamon mixture. Roll up the dough starting on the long side and cut into 12 rolls. Place them into a lightly greased 9x13 inch baking pan. Cover and let rise until nearly doubled (about 30 minutes). Preheat the oven to 350-degrees.

Bake rolls until they are golden brown (about 20 minutes). While the rolls are baking, beat together the frosting mixture:
-1 (3oz) package softened cream cheese
-1/4 cup softened butter
-1.5 cups powdered sugar
-1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
-1/8 teaspoon salt

Here are what the rolls looked like after they rose, and before they were baked:

Here’s where I get to be completely honest with you, AND shock you. I did not make these.

My husband did.

I know, I know, I know. That is so shocking because I am SO crafty in the kitchen and I do so well there. But I just wanted to give credit where credit is due. I was all ready to help earlier in the day, but when the dough took longer than expected, we weren’t sure how this would all turn out aaaand I needed to head to the barn. So this is all Ace. And when I came home from the barn, we had these bad boys for dinner.

The kids were especially excited about this dinner option. Seriously, these cinnamon rolls were so soft, the frosting was perfection, and the sugar and cinnamon was all bubbly and caramelized. If you are someone who can wake up and make these beauties bright and early, go for it! But I am so glad we had these for dinner and I think they would be perfect for a brunch or girls night too. This is based entirely on the fact that I despise mornings, and my husband who IS the cook of the house, said that this was a little more work than he would normally want to do on the average morning for breakfast ;)

It is thanks to the Bakerlady that I found this recipe on Pinterest. And you can find her blog and post here! PS: who doesn’t want buns of cinnamon?! Here’s to all the cinnamon rolls and to the wonderful people you enjoy them with!