Relationship Talk: Having Those BIG Conversations

Duh factor: no one LIKES to fight. Confrontation is hard, conflict makes us all feel uncomfy, and relationships can be so damn TOUGH. Especially when you’re in the one for the long haul. Everyone remembers their elementary boyfriends right? Or middle, or high school? Some of those looked like, “Hey, will you go OUT with me?” and thirty seconds later getting dumped by the jackass who was supposedly your boyfriend. Yeah, I’m not talking about THOSE relationships… so let’s cut to the chase now. I asked on Instagram recently for people to suggest some topics that THEY would benefit from, and what they wanted to hear from Asa and I; ya know, the oldies who’ve been married for twelve years!! [K, I get it, 12 years sounds like baby years to many of you reading this but I’ve also got the crowd of gals who are thinking, TWELVE YEARS?!?! THAT’S SOOOOO LONG!!] So, just keep reading because here is where Asa and I take turns sharing our hearts on having those BIG CONVERSATIONS……….

I remember one of my first fights with Ashley, she was clearly trying to get ME to end it with her. She was saying everything except “I want to break up”. The conversation/argument felt meaningless the longer it went on. So I leaned in, kissed her forehead and said “I’m not doing your dirty work for you. If you want out, you’ll have to do it yourself. I’m here for the long haul”. It was sort of a turning point for us. A maturation in our relationship. We started learning to shift our fights and conversations from “How do I win and prove my point” to “How do we grow through this as a couple.” It seems like such a small thing, but really, it’s one of the most important mental shifts we’ve ever made. 

Reading the blurb above from Asa made me wanna pop him—y’all know he did that same exact thing when I peed on the pregnancy stick and screamed, “What the F are we going to do?!” when I discovered we were pregnant…again?! He leaned over, kissed my forehead, and told me I’d have to break up with him if I wanted out…. I’m KIDDING. He so calmly and sweetly said, “We’re going to have a baby!” Yes, he’s generally the calm and level headed one, surprise surprise. But I don’t want you to think for a moment that our conversations or disagreements or arguments are always that EASY. Because they’re not. I remember that exact memory he recalled where I was trying to sabotage our relationship. And while it clearly worked out for us, and we DID mature and shift our fights and discussions; we still at times DO need to remind ourselves, “We can grow through this together…” 2020 Asa and Ashley also saw some serious maturation. The things that used to set us off and blow up as full blown fights have significantly diffused. We’ve learned when one of us is mad, especially REAL mad, picking at one another just won’t end well. We respect each other enough to give space, provide some time to step away, and nine times out of ten anymore we don’t get into yelling matches. (Lord, y’all, I’m going to eat my words aren’t I? Watch, tomorrow we’re going to lose our minds………………

Ashley and I both have a childhood upbringing in Church. We were raised in Christian homes by Christian parents who also had very different beliefs and views. If you have been a part of Christian culture for any length of time you already know they are one of the most divided groups. Christians bicker over scripture and interpretation of scripture at an unbelievable rate. Want some simple proof? According to Google, there are 30,000 denominations of Christianity world wide. Each one clearly believing their own unique brand of interpretation is the best. I digress, this post isn’t about the church. But it did lead her and I into some really heated and hard conversations about faith, what we believed, and how we practiced our faith. Some really, really big fights came out of it…

Yes, we were both raised in Christian homes by incredible parents. Very different parents. Very different churches. I have never ever been good at memorization and I don’t know the Bible super WELL, but I DO remember this verse (and have zero recollection when I actually memorized it): “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers, for what does darkness have in common with light?” [Don’t Google that, I was off in the exact words but you get the gist.] Friends— My point is, you NEED to have those faith filled conversations BEFORE you say you are IN it (your relationship) for the LONG haul. ESPECIALLY if you’re thinking marriage. Both Asa and I ARE Believers. We love Jesus, we seek God in ALL that we do; but y’all, we learned a LOT when we decided the church he grew up in and had spent twenty-four years being a part of, was NOT going to be our church home. I remember crying on the phone with my mom early on, (like first few months early on!) SO scared that I HAD made the wrong decision in marrying him. Asa and I had some BIG conversations and ultimately we came out on the other side very strong. Thankfully the Lord showed us how to cling to each other and how to find Him in our grace filled journey towards finding a new church.

Here’s the truth, the closer we got to marriage, the more important things like this were. You simply can’t hide the pillars of who you are early on, and then blitz your partner later with them. For both she and I, the single most important part of our identity then and now is our identity in Christ. So pretending it didn’t matter if we didn’t see eye to eye would have been completely disingenuous. Those conversations had to happen. And not just on religious matters; we had to discuss our plans for college, work, life, kids, previous relationships, sex, family, etc. Nothing could be off limits. Was it hard? Absolutely. Did we get angry and struggle to navigate through it sometimes? Of course. But remember, we were trying to grow through this as a couple, so it was always safe. 

Shew, this topic could get real heavy real quick, so I’ll try to keep it PG and I’ll try not to make anyone too cringy here. If you’re anything like me, you had some emotional baggage going into marriage. Beyond just ‘emotional baggage,’ maybe you even had experienced past sexual trauma. Is that hard for me to write in a blog post, shared on the Internet for God Knows Who to read? Sure, a little. But it’s the truth. It’s part of my story. As an eighteen year old and moving to a brand new city, I fell into the hands and life of a man and boss who did NOT have my best interest in mind. Shit happened, and while I take a weird sense of pride in exclaiming I never had sex with him, I didn’t have to for the toil everything that DID happen, to completely wreak havoc into parts of my married sex life. This is where BIG CONVERSATIONS are important, and SO MUCH SO in having them before you walk down the aisle; before you are lying in bed next to the amazing person you just committed your life to. A couple once told us they NEVER wanted to discuss with one another their past relationships (especially sexual it seemed.) We were both shocked because, friends, intimacy is not an area that any of us will (or should) take lightly. Knowing what is okay and what is NOT okay (in the bedroom and beyond), is so crucial. There are times and moments that I am easily triggered, and if Asa did not KNOW my past?? I cannot imagine what that part of our life would look like? Have the big talks. Be honest with one another. Am I saying you have to share every single nitty gritty detailed full event with your partner/spouse? Not at all…but I do encourage you to be honest and patient and to continuously pray and seek grace TOGETHER.

Here is the thing, we found out that what she and I were taught growing up shaped us, molded us, but didn’t define us. We took who we were raised to be, and grew into new people together. When topics that really were hard came up l(like sex, or kids, or where we would live)… we learned to work through it with love and patience. Ashley told me when we were dating that she never wanted children. (She can share more of that later or maybe she already has.) I told her that I wouldn’t force the issue, but that I had always said “If I have one kid, I’ll have two. No more than three”. I think you know how that story ends. Because early on, our understanding of who we are, and what we want would change a hundred times over. And big conversations have to happen in every facet of your relationship, and often, more than once. We STILL have big conversations. About money, future land, what we want to watch on Netflix, big important things. Those conversations are hard at times (especially the Netflix part…), but they get easier the more love and trust grows between us. I am confident when we need to have hard conversations, about big important topics, that despite the potential for hurt feelings, anger and resentment, the goal is always “How do we grow through this together?”

I love him. Isn’t he good? It’s so fun to read what Asa wrote throughout (we write these separately!) and to find my own thoughts and words and memories to fill in the spaces. But anyway—the point is, you can do this. And if you have zero desire TO do this with the person you are dating, you may want to do some soul searching and praying. If you’re married and this blog post has you freaked out, don’t let it. We KNOW having big conversations and tough talks are HARD. Relationships are hard, marriage is HARD. But it is also beautiful. I cannot imagine being with anyone else who knows literally ALL my deepest and darkest secrets, who has SEEN so much of my ugly, and who still chooses me over, and over, and over again. But hey, we are still human. We definitely have moments where we really don’t like each other, but we DO love each other. And we choose EACH OTHER, always. How do we grow through this together?

Lots of prayer (together), lots of laughter, lots of Netflix, and lots of love and grace.

Chapter Two: Wanna Tag Along?

Photo by: Aubrey Renee

Morning came, my eyes were pretty swollen from a good night's cry and like most college students, the first thing I did was check Facebook. 1 new message. From Asa Glass: "Well, it was my feeble attempt to help you do better with your tests...You really should ask Jill (roommate) for that back rub if you have no one else to do it. How were the tests anyway?"  I smiled. My heart and soul were so not interested in a relationship, or so I had been telling myself, but this guy was super sweet. I responded with a little longer message; friendly and casual, I continued about my day.

I wanted to respond to Ashley’s email in a friendly way that invited her to respond to me. It’s not my style to be patient, or to be “breezy,” as Monica Geller would say. I cannonball into love, make a splash, and usually scare everyone out of the pool. To this day, I’m not entirely sure how I managed to keep my cool in the early going with Ashley. We were exchanging messages regularly but I made a very conscience decision not to “friend” her on Facebook (we live in a weird time people) until she friended me. Each time she sent me a message, I made sure to send one back in similar length. I matched her tone with mine. I felt like I was actually pulling off “breezy!"  Inwardly though, I was losing my cool every time I got a notification from her. I checked my phone every ten minutes (okay, way more). I was going to reach a breaking point in my breezy so I made a move.

Sending and receiving messages from Asa was starting to become a normal part of my day that I sincerely looked forward to. His name came up way more in my phone conversations with Mom and I actually began to wonder if we would cross paths again. Surely we would right, I loved that coffee shop and we were messaging one another multiple times a day. I was still working through a lot of my grief at this time, allowing my heart to mend from the hurt it had endured my freshman year. It soon dawned on me, that with every note I received from Asa, my heart felt less burdened, less broken. He asked me inquisitive questions, and I loved writing thoughtful responses. He made me think, question and help me understand myself a little more each day. One morning, the sun and birds woke me earlier than normal and I hopped out of bed. I opened my laptop and logged into Facebook, 1 new message. I read the first two lines and in between the panic of my hair being scraggly and in need of a wash, I jumped for joy.

 “I’m going to the park to take my dog for a long walk. Want to tag along?” I wrote. And then I waited. I waited for what felt like an eternity. I had asked her to actually see me, spend time with me. I wouldn’t have to option of the backspace button to change something I had said. I was nervous and anxious, assuming all the excuses she would give me about why she couldn’t and then…she said yes.

There was something about that message that told me I was going to marry this man. That's insane, I completely agree. But it's like there was some hidden message in his question, "Want to tag along?" that said, "You're going to be the one I will marry." I hurried to get dressed and threw on comfortable jeans and applied minimum makeup. I felt like I was meeting an old friend, regardless of the fact that I had known him less than a week. My heart was pounding loudly, my hands felt a little shaky, but it all felt familiar; there was a lack of fear, which was extremely unusual for my scared-of-relationships-self.

We met at Sunergos that morning before going to the park. True to form, my idiot Chocolate Lab, all 100 lbs of energetic puppy, bounded right at her and practically knocked her to the ground, all before I could say hello. True to Ashley’s form, she smiled through the gut check from Humphrey, walked to me and gave me a big hug. Our first. A moment I pray I never forget. We then went to Cherokee Park and walked for hours. We talked about everything and nothing. We laughed and day dreamed. She told me about her family, her life, her walk with God. I noticed about half way through our walk that I had butterflies, but no anxiety. I could feel my blood racing and my heart pounding, but there was no fear. This girl was different.

There are only so many hours you can walk at a park before you have to admit you are no longer walking the dog, but on a date. After probably three full hours, we decided we needed food. We headed to Qdoba because they had outdoor seating and Humphrey could join us. She only agreed if I let her pay for her own meal. I didn’t. I paid. I wasn’t going to let this day be anything less than a date with this gorgeous, interesting, funny blonde that I was falling for. She could be mad later, today we were on a date.

Part of my whole "this will be the year I'm going to be single" was enforcing the rule: no dates. I wouldn't allow a guy to pay for my meal, at all. So I told Asa, "Sure, I'll go to Qdoba, but I have to pay for mine." We went through the line, I'm sure I ordered some vegetarian burrito with a diet coke, and started to pull out my bank card but I was two seconds two slow; he was already ahead of me and paying for both our meals. Oh crud, I thought. But a smile began to form and my heart said, "He is different." We sat in the sunshine, his insanely hyper dog was meanwhile drooling all over me and couldn't take his eyes off my meal. Asa commanded Humphrey to be still and to sit and he listened. I could read the love between them, it was obvious that Humphrey's entire heart beat for this man. Little did I know that very soon, so would mine.

After nearly six hours together, I started the slow drive back to Sunergos. We pulled in to the back of the coffee shop and she thanked me for perhaps the strangest thing I’ve ever been thanked for: “Thank you for not asking for my number. For allowing this to go slow.” I think I responded with, “I figure you’ll give it to me when you want me to have it.” What I actually wanted to say was, “I desperately want your number, but I am terrified that I will run you away. And I can’t run you away. I can’t. I have to be breezy at least this once because I can’t take a broken heart again.”

When I got out of his car, I looked at the clock. We had just spent an entire day together and it flew by. If I hadn't had deadlines to meet and exams to study for, I would have probably found some other excuse to lengthen our time together. I opened the back door of my house and walking to my bedroom in a daze. I remember opening the windows and flopping on to my bed, re-capping the day in full. He asked me to go for a walk with his dog, we got lunch, he paid, we talked and talked for hours on end... it was a date. And I was feeling okay with it. I opened Facebook and opened our message history. I read and re-read. I prayed for a few minutes and before starting a new line, I hit the button, "Request Friend." Then I sent him something short and sweet; at the very end, including my number. I couldn't really think straight, there was something about Asa. He was so calm, level-headed, rational, kind, passionate and absolutely, 100%, a complete and Godly gentleman. My heart wasn't ready for this but it also didn't ask. Love is funny like that--it doesn't check with you first, it doesn't follow rules or regulations. Love just leaps. And I was diving head first.

She hugged me goodbye, I’m sure I said something like, “I’ll see you soon” and she said, “I’ll message you later”.  After six hours, she still had more to say, and wanted more from me. I drove away thanking God for her, asking for patience and to trust His timing. Later that night I got two things from Ashley: A Facebook friend request and a message with her number. And just like that, I was done being breezy. I was done playing it cool. Love isn’t a game; it isn’t about playing it safe. Love is real and raw. Love shouldn’t be tamed. Turns out, we both felt the same way.