Stop the Body Shaming, Your Kids are Listening

My husband and I from the beginning of our kids’ lives, promised we would never body-shame ourselves in front of or near them. This was and is something we are extremely passionate about, simply because we realize the detriment it can cause on children, and how it can greatly shape their adult lives.

Especially the F word, and no, Y’all, not the four letter one; the three letter one.

F-A-T

It’s not something we ever say about ANYONE, and we have worked hard to give our kids a healthy understanding of that word. The word itself, fat, is not neccesarily a bad word, unless used in a derogatory way against or about a person. I haven’t been one who has struggled with weight problems, but trust me, I have plenty of other critiques that I have about and against my appearance. For instance, recently I have been experiencing super puffy under-eyes. They’ve been more prone to swelling, to my eyelids drooping more than usual, and I have often looked completely sleep deprived and exhausted because of that, even though I am not. I think allergies have had a huge part in that, among I’m sure, other things (ahem, like being 30, and my skin just changing as I age!) I just experienced a huge slap in the face and broken heart over the fact that I have been WAY too verbal about my dislike regarding my eyes…………….

Reese went into the bathroom to brush her teeth, and her Dad was with her. Stepping onto the stool to rinse her brush, she peered into the mirror. We heard her say, “I don’t like this light in here. I don’t like seeing my freckles.

I’M SORRY……WHAT?!?!?

Asa and I looked at each other in disbelief. “Reese Elisabeth,” we said. “Your freckles are BEAUTIFUL! YOU are beautiful. God made your freckles and you are pretty special because of that.”

My husband sent me a private text message, so that she couldn’t hear what was said. “I wonder where she heard that…” he sent. At first, I was kind of annoyed and upset by it, but the truth is, I was ashamed. Just the other day I stood in that same bathroom and told Asa that I couldn’t stand the light in there (he had switched the light bulbs) because I hated how my eyes looked. I had no idea Reese was anywhere around, I thought she was downstairs at the time. But if I’m being honest, I don’t know if I would have censored that sentence because to me it didn’t really feel ‘body image’ related. But it was!!

As I tucked Reese into bed that night, I asked her if she had ever heard Mommy talk meanly about herself. “Yeah,” she said. And then she literally grabbed my face with her two hands to say, “I heard you say you didn’t like your eyes when they were swollen.” She continued down a rabbit hole after that, and none of what she said afterward really pertained to that question, but there it was: she had overheard her Mommy talking meanly about herself.

I paused her and took her hands. “Reesie, I am so sorry I said that. The truth is, I don’t like it when my eyes are swollen or puffy, because that’s not how they normally look. But honey, I love myself because God made me, and HE loves me. He doesn’t like it when I say something mean about the way that I look, because He is the one who created me.” I then told her that God made HER too. And that I hope and pray that she always loves herself—her freckles, her eyes, her hair color. I hope that she has confidence in how strong she is, brave, smart, and talented too. Really, Y’all, my heart just felt sad.

Your kids?Or your friends’ kids?! They are LISTENING. Even if they aren’t close by, they can hear you. They are WATCHING how you look at yourself in a mirror. Or if you avoid the mirror completely. They notice that. They are also listening to how you speak to other adults ABOUT yourself.

Your conversations are no longer JUST your conversations.

You are in charge of raising tiny little people who will grow up someday to be big people, and more likely than not, mothers and fathers themselves.

What are you saying? Are you talking about your weight or how fat you are? Do you openly talk about how unsatisfied you are with the number on the scale, or how you need to workout to look better? Fitness is not a negative thing. I am not saying it’s wrong to strive to lose weight or to be in better shape—but I do think it is important how you word it. “Mommy goes to the gym to be STRONG, Baby. I want to be healthy and to have a healthy heart and body!” When Asa and I want to get in better shape, we work hard. We run on the treadmill, lift weights, walk around the neighborhood; and our kids watch us. Pierson loves to work out with his Dad and is constantly trying to be “strong like Dad.” Reese will dance to music in the room I am in while I run on the treadmill. She will yell, “Good job, Mom!” as I go.

So I’ve realized…we may air on the side of caution REALLY well when it comes to fitness goals and being healthy, however, I do NOT love myself well enough in front of my kids when it comes down to overall appearance. I was always the kid with acne. Bright red, painful acne. Mirrors were ALWAYS hard for me and truthfully, still to this day they are. I don’t struggle with acne as MUCH or in the same capacity, but I still don’t love looking at myself. Did you know I get ready in the dark 1.) because I hate bright light in the morning but 2.) because I literally don’t like looking at myself in the mirror after I have first woken up?

What does that teach my daughter? My son?

Sisters and friends, we can do better. We SHOULD do better. I talked on my Instagram stories recently and asked my lady friends for some advice, on how they hope to instill positive self-love in their children/future children. I had so many great direct messages and responses, and I wanted to share a few of them with you here. Click the photo to check out their social media accounts!

7 Things We Tell Our Kids [and need to be living by]

We find ourselves droning on every single day, telling our kids the same things. Often, we are inside our heads thinking “This is such good advice, how come they aren’t listening”? The truth is that WE are not even listening. These are the things we tell our children, that TRUTHFULLY we as their parents, adults, need to be living out better ourselves.

Treat Each Other the Way YOU Want to be Treated! 

The Golden Rule, seems so easy right? Except it’s not. If I’m being honest, I’m really selfish. I want back massages, and coffee in bed. I want free time to focus on me and what I want, away from the kids and obligation. I want good gifts, not cheap ones. I want people to speak kindly to me, and tell me that I’m doing a good job. But am I doing that for those around me? Am I really looking at my wife, kids, coworkers and friends and treating them how I want to be treated? The world would be such a different place if even a few of us actually lived this.

Slow down, speak clearly, I can’t understand you!

Kids babble, and get so excited words start to get jumbled. They so often get frustrated because they’re so worked up, they can’t communicate simple things. Isn’t that true for us too? Especially when I’m mad. Don’t I just spout off statements and remarks without really pausing to think about what I’m communicating? I can’t count the number of times I have irrationally spoken without clarity and caused more harm than good. Or been frustrated that there was a miscommunication. Truthfully, I should be slower to speak, quicker to listen.

Did you remember to wash your pits?

Teaching the kids to bathe properly is frustrating, but liberating. We are nearly at the point of independent showers and baths. GAME CHANGER! But this is both practical, and metaphorical for us. We can have some things hiding inside of us that really stink. We need to wash clean those pits, those stinky parts. Because no manner or perfume can cover up the smell. 

 Calm Down and Focus on the Problem

Every single day, multiple times a day, my kids lose their proverbial ISH over THE dumbest things. Recently my daughter went into a screaming temper tantrum because she couldn’t buckle her seat belt. She belligerently screamed, cried and flailed about. Once I got her quiet, I said “Calm down and focus on the problem.” Low and behold, with a level calm head she got her seat belt on. But how often do I fly into anxiety and stress, even anger and rage when stuff doesn’t go my way? I let the circumstance of the moment overwhelm me. If I could just remember, calm down, focus on the problem, how would MY life change? What can I do right now to fix this? What do I need help with? What do I need to let go of?

What did you learn?

Kids make mistakes. It’s what they’re really good at. They drop things, spill things, mess up on their homework, back talk their parents, hit each other, you name it. Every time they mess up we ask them “What did you learn?” This allows them to see what went wrong, and how next time they can do it different. If we don’t stop and look at our mistakes, really examine what it is that steered us in the wrong direction, we won’t learn how to avoid it next time. Mistakes happen, but we need to learn from them!

Would you like to try that again?

Do overs. We all need them. We all need to extend the same grace to those around us. And allow ourselves the chance for a do over. Accept that you aren’t perfect, it’s ok.

Enough Screens, GO PLAY!

Do iPads come in handy? Of course they do. How often have I been in mid meltdown when I’ve yelled, “YES! Fine! You can get your iPad!!” [I don’t truthfully want to admit how many times, so hush.] I’m also the first to admit that technology isn’t the root of all evil, nor does it have to be bad at all. Both of our kids use a LOT of educational apps and have excelled in reading because of that. But it literally drives me insane sometimes that it’s the #1 consistent thing that they want to do. Pierson is in a phase where he will play basketball, and he’ll play for quite a long time which is GREAT. But then he’ll say, “Can I do my iPad?” instead of playing with the gazillion toys that he has. “I don’t have anything to do,” Reese will say. Or, “I’m bored.” As their mom who has actively been a part of making sure that they have PLENTY to do, there is zero reason whatsoever for either child to be bored. Ever. The screen is the first thing they gravitate towards, but isn’t it the same for us? Perhaps even for you? We were just talking about how we want to get a REAL alarm clock for our bedroom again and charge our phones elsewhere. For so long, they have been what we look at last before we fall asleep. Moderation would be better.

Love, (mostly Asa) ;)

A Nostalgic Christmas

Isn’t Christmas MAGICAL?! The lights, the colors, it is truly the most beautiful time of year in our home. This year we are so thrilled to have a Treetopia tree in our home. This gorgeous tree reminds both me and my husband of our trees from our childhood, well, except, this one is massive. As soon as it was up we couldn’t stop talking about how grand it felt, and yet so nostalgic of our childhood. We simply love that this is the tree our kids will remember. That it brings our childhood and theirs together in a beautiful way. 

This year decorating the tree was particularly special. The kids have grown fond of certain ornaments, and had to share their memories of many of the sparkly things now decorating our gorgeous tree. Reese must have said “Oh I love this one” or “I remember this because….” With each ornament she placed on the tree. Making this season magical is so important to us, and sincerely this beautiful 9-foot Fir has really helped create that in our home. Not to mention the super cute ornaments Treetopia also sent, how sweet and timeless are these??

Whether we are sipping coffee in the morning, or hot cocoa at night, sitting by this tree has sincerely brightened our spirits. It’s funny how something new, can bring up so many happy memories of the past and help me relive all of those great childhood Christmases from when I was a kid.

PS: Treetopia also sells wreaths and garland, so BASICALLY this brand is your one stop shop. You really can’t go wrong (especially if you order today on Cyber Monday, when they are having up to 60% OFF!)

Not only did I partner with Treetopia, there are also nine other amazingly talented women who are going to be sharing THEIR beautifully and uniquely decorated trees with you this week. Each day this week, there will be two of us sharing how we decorated to show you what Christmas means to US. That being said, go check out Kara’s AWESOME 80’s inspired tree on her blog!

This post is sponsored by Treetopia. Thanks for supporting the brands that help make all the sweet stuff we do as a family possible. All ideas and opinions are my own.

Holding Tight to Holding YOU

Since the kids were babies, my husband and I always made it a point to hold them during the actual worship. As they grew, they became very accustomed to immediately lying their head on our shoulders and nestling into the crook of our necks. From birth to their current ages, five and six, we have held them and embraced these precious moments of the church service.

My daughter always runs to me to hold her first. A song ends, and then we switch kids. It’s always been that way, it’s my normal on a Sunday morning. Last week though she tapped me as I sang. “Mommy, can Dad hold me now?” “Sure, when the song is over. Why do you want to switch now though?” She kind of giggled and then said, “Mommy, you’re just too small. Daddy can hold me better.”

I KNEW this day was coming. I read an article several years ago about this mom who was reminiscing of the days she was able to hold her son. She talked about how she always wondered when the day would come that he was ‘too big’ to be held, and that day of course came, breaking her heart when it did. I actually regret ever finishing that article, Y’all, because from that point on I thought about it ALL the time. And my son, who is six, has gotten SO dang tall, his long legs dangle way past my knees and almost to my shins. Holding him on my hip can be done, but is incredibly difficult; so when it has been my ‘turn’ to hold him for a song, I generally sit down and tickle his back. That same Sunday though, as he tried to nestle onto my shoulder he just couldn’t stop moving. “Pierson, be still, buddy,” I said. “I’m not comfortable, Mom,” he replied. And I knew he wasn’t. As a five foot two woman, I KNOW that I am little. My genetics have me a little bonier than maybe an average person? And I knew when he was squirming and moving that this too, would not be ‘comfortable’ for him much longer.

Babies turn into toddlers, who turn into kids, who I know will turn into teenagers and adults. Am I alone in my struggle of being broken hearted over this fact of life? I know that each stage is wonderful, and truthfully, I have loved ALL of their ages. [Okay…our daughter’s “threes” was VERY challenging…but still, I think I would go back for a while to that age?] My friend Chrissy recently said on Instagram about her new baby girl, “I would say, don’t grow up, but if you never got bigger than we couldn’t go get our nails done and watch chick flicks together, so I’ll just say I’m enjoying YOU in all the phases of life.”

NAILED IT.

That quote is so spot on with my life right now that I’m holding on really tightly to that truth. I may not be able to hold my children the way I once could…but I so love all our experiences together now that they’re older. Earlier this week Reese plopped down on the couch with me and asked if she could watch my favorite show Heartland with me [totally nerdy and cheesy horse show if you don’t know]. Also in her prayers, she prays for our horses DAILY. She even includes Addie, the mare who Paddy has lived with for six months. She has a GIANT heart and I know that she admires me a lot in this current season of life. How sweet is that?! I mean really? My daughter LIKES me, and I’m also holding tight to THAT amazing blessing. And with my son, I know that I can spend quality time with him building Legos, taking him for Queso at El Nopal, or browsing the toy aisle at Target and he will have the BEST time. And I also know that while he is bigger now…he still needs me. If he loses sight of me in a crowd, I can see immediate panic in his eyes. At bedtime, we still cuddle. He still holds my hand, and hugs me tight multiple times a day.

They’re growing. And we can’t stop it. So I may as well embrace it. And yes, I may be little, but so is my own mama and I tell you what: every time I get to spend time with her in Michigan, I often plop down on her lap and still get those back tickles :) I cherish hers and I’s relationship. The fact that she’s the one I want to call every single day after work. She’s the one I want to text all my horse photos to, the one I can cry with, laugh with, and pray with. If I’m thirty and have this type of relationship with my mom, I know that the same can be true of my kids when they’re on their own. [Well, I can pray at least..!]

New mamas, hold tightly to those new and tiny babies of yours. And I’ll hold ever so tightly to my five and six year old, who soon, won’t fit on this hip of mine anymore.

Photos by Jana Glass