A Mama's Feelings About The Pandemic

“Dad, I’m sorry I made new friends and wanted to play with them.”

-Reese Elisabeth. January 19, 2021

Unprovoked, not guilted, not shamed, not scolded. Just a girl who felt badly today when she rode her bike in the neighborhood and excitedly saw some girls close to her age.

F THIS PANDEMIC.

That’s how I feel. That’s how we feel. And I would bet it’s how YOU feel too.

How old are your kids? Reese is seven years old, Pierson is eight. And this is their childhood. When every day, we are reminded that the world around us is CRUMBLING, still, with the global pandemic. It’s been no one’s FAULT. A LOT of people have gotten sick, are sick, I will never poo poo that.

But right now, my heart hurts for kids. Asa grew up in a subdivision type neighborhood and remembers riding his bike ALL day with friends from all over it. Being outside for hours on end, running and playing….and since I grew up in the country and NOT in a neighborhood, I just remember playing with the cows next door and having ZERO issues. I’m kiddingggggg, I remember going to church every Sunday and playing with my best friends, and I have all the best memories of playing Barbie dolls, going for walks and just enjoying being a GIRL.

The past year? My kids were robbed of that. Will there be other times and moments for them to make friends? Sure. But read the quote at the start of this post again. “I’m sorry I made new friends and wanted to play with them.”

There’s really nothing I can do to FIX this. Both Asa and I are getting the covid vaccine soon (Asa on FRIDAY of this week); as teachers in a huge district and the need for these kids to GO back to in person classes, we believe it’s what is best. And you know what? I hope and pray that the ‘right amount’ of people will GET vaccinated, and that the spread will lessen insanely. I hope and pray my kids can run and play and be wild and crazy and play tag and hide and seek and ride bikes and go IN the houses of FRIENDS.

My sweet girl. The one I was so shocked and frankly upset to be pregnant with EIGHT years ago this week. She’s my warrior. My spitfire. My Spunky Brewster.

When Asa Glass kissed my forehead that day and said, “We’re going to have a baby,” little did he or WE know…how stinking BLESSED we would be. Oh how I remember those thoughts: I wasn’t ready to be pregnant AGAIN, or to have a baby AGAIN. And look at her now. Reese has big feelings (like her mama) and she has a huge heart. She’s an extrovert at large and thrives on relationships. Friends are her love language (like her daddy.)

Our kids, Y’all. They’re not perfect but man do they have hearts of gold! If you’re hurting for your kids lately, will you comment on this post? We are in this together, mamas (and daddies) and friends and family. Asa shared to his Twitter account how he was sad for Reese with her statement and he had two friends immediately respond: “It’s hard for a 39 year old.” “And a 37…”

It’s HARD! And I’m giving you a big, giant, smothered HUG right now!

“Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, and whose hope is the LORD.” -Jeremiah 17:7

xx

Seasons and Some Updates

“The seasons teach us how to do life well, revealing a life-giving rhythm: we flourish through intentional periods of stillness, growth, hard work, and rest.” -Lara Casey

It’s not quite spring but with it being March 1st, we are basically there. We can all feel it, right? The temperatures warming up, the difference in how the sunshine feels on our backs, how even the wind has shifted from less wintry to more springlike. I LOVE Spring. Since having horses, I’m not one who enjoys the cold anymore…as a kid I would love to watch the snow fall and even to play in it, but I’d rather ride my horses in a short sleeve shirt and not have to worry about bundling in layers while working with them…Needless to say, I am welcoming this season.

Stillness, growth, hard work, and rest. Where are you currently at with your season?

Tomorrow Elsa has an ultrasound recheck which of course I am pretty nervous about. A couple of months ago we found out that she has a mass in her liver and our veterinarian recommended a recheck to see if it grows or spreads or what is going on with it…since getting on liver medication, she actually seems to be feeling better. Now I am more concerned with her declining strength in her hind legs and how it seems to be more of a challenge to get up for her these days. I remember our Lab’s decline in overall health once he had his cancer diagnosis, and it’s hard for my mind NOT to go there with worry. Overall I’ve done pretty well though, at least for now. And we don’t even know for certain if the mass is cancerous…I know aging is part of reality when it comes to us AND our pets, and while I don’t necessarily like it, I am trusting the Lord for strength and the ability to handle whatever I find out.

Speaking of medical tests, I am actually getting a CAT SCAN on Tuesday of this week! This seems to be the week of new news, ah the joys of being an adult. I went to the doctor last week hoping she would confirm my umbilical hernia….AND she did. I feel pretty silly that I felt as if my protruding bellybutton was just part of the process after having kids. I don’t even remember what a normal bellybutton looks like?! But when the lump started growing (cute huh?) and causing some pain and discomfort I was like, ‘Huh..this may not be NORMAL.’ Ha! So after the Cat Scan, I suppose we will see about surgery and when it will happen—I am hoping it can wait until Spring Break when I have time off.

Those are the two ‘biggest’ things so far this month. I mean, it is March 1st so truthfully I’m sure there will be lots more to update y’all on soon enough. I am getting a little busier with photo sessions and hope that continues. I’d love if I could book a few more weddings for 2020 but again, trusting the Lord. What are some things going on for you this month!? Anything to celebrate or that you could use prayer for? Send me an email and let’s chat. I love connecting with you guys and am so thankful for you here!

Stop the Body Shaming, Your Kids are Listening

My husband and I from the beginning of our kids’ lives, promised we would never body-shame ourselves in front of or near them. This was and is something we are extremely passionate about, simply because we realize the detriment it can cause on children, and how it can greatly shape their adult lives.

Especially the F word, and no, Y’all, not the four letter one; the three letter one.

F-A-T

It’s not something we ever say about ANYONE, and we have worked hard to give our kids a healthy understanding of that word. The word itself, fat, is not neccesarily a bad word, unless used in a derogatory way against or about a person. I haven’t been one who has struggled with weight problems, but trust me, I have plenty of other critiques that I have about and against my appearance. For instance, recently I have been experiencing super puffy under-eyes. They’ve been more prone to swelling, to my eyelids drooping more than usual, and I have often looked completely sleep deprived and exhausted because of that, even though I am not. I think allergies have had a huge part in that, among I’m sure, other things (ahem, like being 30, and my skin just changing as I age!) I just experienced a huge slap in the face and broken heart over the fact that I have been WAY too verbal about my dislike regarding my eyes…………….

Reese went into the bathroom to brush her teeth, and her Dad was with her. Stepping onto the stool to rinse her brush, she peered into the mirror. We heard her say, “I don’t like this light in here. I don’t like seeing my freckles.

I’M SORRY……WHAT?!?!?

Asa and I looked at each other in disbelief. “Reese Elisabeth,” we said. “Your freckles are BEAUTIFUL! YOU are beautiful. God made your freckles and you are pretty special because of that.”

My husband sent me a private text message, so that she couldn’t hear what was said. “I wonder where she heard that…” he sent. At first, I was kind of annoyed and upset by it, but the truth is, I was ashamed. Just the other day I stood in that same bathroom and told Asa that I couldn’t stand the light in there (he had switched the light bulbs) because I hated how my eyes looked. I had no idea Reese was anywhere around, I thought she was downstairs at the time. But if I’m being honest, I don’t know if I would have censored that sentence because to me it didn’t really feel ‘body image’ related. But it was!!

As I tucked Reese into bed that night, I asked her if she had ever heard Mommy talk meanly about herself. “Yeah,” she said. And then she literally grabbed my face with her two hands to say, “I heard you say you didn’t like your eyes when they were swollen.” She continued down a rabbit hole after that, and none of what she said afterward really pertained to that question, but there it was: she had overheard her Mommy talking meanly about herself.

I paused her and took her hands. “Reesie, I am so sorry I said that. The truth is, I don’t like it when my eyes are swollen or puffy, because that’s not how they normally look. But honey, I love myself because God made me, and HE loves me. He doesn’t like it when I say something mean about the way that I look, because He is the one who created me.” I then told her that God made HER too. And that I hope and pray that she always loves herself—her freckles, her eyes, her hair color. I hope that she has confidence in how strong she is, brave, smart, and talented too. Really, Y’all, my heart just felt sad.

Your kids?Or your friends’ kids?! They are LISTENING. Even if they aren’t close by, they can hear you. They are WATCHING how you look at yourself in a mirror. Or if you avoid the mirror completely. They notice that. They are also listening to how you speak to other adults ABOUT yourself.

Your conversations are no longer JUST your conversations.

You are in charge of raising tiny little people who will grow up someday to be big people, and more likely than not, mothers and fathers themselves.

What are you saying? Are you talking about your weight or how fat you are? Do you openly talk about how unsatisfied you are with the number on the scale, or how you need to workout to look better? Fitness is not a negative thing. I am not saying it’s wrong to strive to lose weight or to be in better shape—but I do think it is important how you word it. “Mommy goes to the gym to be STRONG, Baby. I want to be healthy and to have a healthy heart and body!” When Asa and I want to get in better shape, we work hard. We run on the treadmill, lift weights, walk around the neighborhood; and our kids watch us. Pierson loves to work out with his Dad and is constantly trying to be “strong like Dad.” Reese will dance to music in the room I am in while I run on the treadmill. She will yell, “Good job, Mom!” as I go.

So I’ve realized…we may air on the side of caution REALLY well when it comes to fitness goals and being healthy, however, I do NOT love myself well enough in front of my kids when it comes down to overall appearance. I was always the kid with acne. Bright red, painful acne. Mirrors were ALWAYS hard for me and truthfully, still to this day they are. I don’t struggle with acne as MUCH or in the same capacity, but I still don’t love looking at myself. Did you know I get ready in the dark 1.) because I hate bright light in the morning but 2.) because I literally don’t like looking at myself in the mirror after I have first woken up?

What does that teach my daughter? My son?

Sisters and friends, we can do better. We SHOULD do better. I talked on my Instagram stories recently and asked my lady friends for some advice, on how they hope to instill positive self-love in their children/future children. I had so many great direct messages and responses, and I wanted to share a few of them with you here. Click the photo to check out their social media accounts!

The Oops That Became Our Biggest "Thank You, Jesus!"

Dear Sisters, 

There have been several of you who have asked to hear my story about "the time I found out I was pregnant with our daughter," or as I like to call it, "the time I put an extra emphasis on the F Word and how God used it ALL for His good." I wrote an e-mail back to a mama recently and decided that I would share it here in this space, with all of you. 

Soooooo yes, our son Pierson was seven months old when I discovered I was pregnant AGAIN. Which means he was SIX months when it happened. I blame our anniversary, my hyperthyroid, and my husband. Duh. 

I sat on the toilet, please keep in mind that I am a Christian and love Jesus dearly; peed on the stick while my husband cooked us lunch, and our son was napping. It was Martin Luther Kind JR day and the reason I remember is because well, first off, it was traumatizing, but also because we had the day off as school teachers. 

"What the F***K are we going to DO!?!?!?" I screamed when my husband entered the bathroom. He looked down at the stick, kissed the top of my head, and said, "We're going to have a baby!" 

I then sat there and wept into my hands, refusing to leave the toilet. I called my mom and barely got two words out before she said, "Oh honey..." and then I lost it even more. 

I had some pretty terrible thoughts those early stages, I will be 100% honest (and vulnerable here). I remember at one point thinking that it would be OKAY if I didn't have this baby and it would be OKAY if God decided I couldn't carry it. I'm talking, EARLY EARLY, like before 8 weeks of pregnancy. It is an AWFUL thought to have as a mom, but I'm human. And I was hormonal x 10000. I, of course, did not do anything to try to hurt my belly or baby, but I wondered if somehow it could or would just go away.

I then began to have super irrational worries [aka the most trivial, strangest, random thoughts EVER]:

We lived in a house with a lot of stairs going from the street to the front door. I remember thinking, legit, HOW I was going to go up and down stairs with TWO kids?! 

C'mon, Ashley... women have sextuplets... 

Girl, I wondered how I would grocery shop. 

Oh, wait... my husband primarily does that. Like 99.789% of the time. So it was another really dumb thing to panic over, but I definitely panicked. OH, and again, women have sextuplets, Ashley, CHILL.

I started to crave sweet things: chocolate, LOTS of chocolate, and NO red meat or sour things [which is what I craved w/ my son]. My face started breaking out galore and I just knew it was a girl. Which is what I wanted if I was having another baby, which clearly I was. We had a gender reveal and sure enough, the cupcake inside was PINK. 

I FINALLY started to bond with her... I FINALLY started to feel okay. Once I embraced WHO was growing in my belly, I actually began to LOVE her. And pray for her. And get excited to meet her. 

So this giant novel is written to express to you that I DEFINITELY freaked out. Like, more than the average mom I am suspecting...? Maybe?? And it's okay if you have or do TOO. Because you do have a long time to continue growing him or her. And he or she IS a miracle. You wouldn't be pregnant with him or her IF there wasn't a plan. And I'm positive God has a beautiful one in mind. 

My Reese tests and challenges me like no one EVER has in my life. I have never disliked someone so strongly and yet LOVED them so deeply; the emotions are a whirlwind often, but she literally makes me laugh out loud and is one of THE funniest humans on this planet [and she's FOUR.] I pray deeply for her as a girl who will turn into a woman; she has a STRONG personality, a very strong will to be seen, heard, and loved. She is going to move mountains, FOR REAL, I am just certain. 

If you're wondering how the transition will be, well, you may as well stop worrying about that :) There's NO way you can really plan for it. Pierson was fifteen months old when we brought her home. Barely toddling around himself and here was his mom, pulling out her boob to nurse this brand new BABY. I can remember some difficulty when he wanted me at the same time as I was feeding. But I very quickly learned how to time and gauge those moments. 

-Make sure he has a snack WHILE I am feeding her, and make sure it's an easy one he can feed himself! 
-Turn on the TV or something that he can watch for 20-30 minutes WHILE I nurse
-Praise him and love him and laugh with him, as OFTEN as I can 

Those were just a few. You'll learn. And he or she will just fit. And you won't know it any other way. I often wonder what life would look like if ours were 2+ years apart [my goal was 2.5 because my brothers and I are all 2.5 years apart!] Clearly, God's plan was different. I was on the pill and nursing and still got pregnant. Soooooooo not much more I could have done!! 

I hope while you're reading, you've laughed a little, and you can breathe a little easier. Tonight as I sit here typing I'm actually a little envious of you! Isn't that funny!? My husband got a vasectomy when Reese was six weeks old (for his 30th birthday, lol) no joke; because I just didn't want my body to go through it so quickly again and I feared it would. But I do miss it!! The wonder and excitement, the RATIONAL parts of the fears, the movements and hiccups and the belly growing each month. Sigh. See? It's ALL going to be okay. 

Chin up, sister. You've got this! And if I can help whatsoever, know that I am here and willing!!!!