This is Home

Recently I was sitting in my daughter's rocking chair. She rested on my shoulder, arms around my neck, her breaths collecting warmth in the crook of my collar bone. As I finished her song, You Are My Sunshine, she sleepily looked up at me. As clear and confidently as she could, she whispered, "Mommy, this is home."

"Yes, Reese," I smiled. "This is home." She continued though. "Mommy and Daddy and Pierson and me, we live here. Mommy goes to work, and Daddy works, but this is home. This is my room, and my bed, and my home, forever." I patted her back and for a second I wondered if she felt insecure that perhaps we were going somewhere else. Or maybe she questioned if we would be together, for the rest of our lives?  

But the next night she said it too and so joyfully. I then realized there was something consoling in her words. Through my two-year old baby girl, I was reminded once more, that no matter where we are, what is going on in life, and what position our heart may be in--we are together and together is home. 

Lately I have been pondering, "What are the things that light my soul on fire?" and there are clear, specific thoughts each time: 
-Writing
-Envisioning my future farmhouse, land and horse
-Photos and the stories that they capture
-and my family

Louisville, Kentucky is where I have called home the past ten years. But, I also call Michigan my home. Having been born and raised there, and spending my first eighteen years in a quaint, country town, it will forever be home. I honestly question that we will ever find our 'dream home' in this city or state. I just don't know if it exists and the longer we spend time in the neighborhood we are in, the more I hear the voice of God saying, "You won't live here forever." I have found contentment for the time being, but still, I just don't know. 

Sometimes, having dreams and passions are hard. It's like I have these tiny little video compartments inside my brain, and they're playing in the background all the time. I see the future house, the green grass, the old barn, the horse that runs there and I also see myself sitting at my desk, pencil in hand, journaling often and transferring those thoughts here. But what am I supposed to do with them? Lara Casey says, "Know that this is a process--Put your focus where God wants it, in His timing, not letting fear keep you from taking leaps of faith. Do what matters and forget the rest...there is only ONE path to purpose: Jesus." 

Who KNOWS where we will end up? My husband despises driving through Indiana to get to Michigan but jokes, "Watch... our future horse farm is going to end up being here." (We both DEEPLY hope that's not the case, ha!) But maybe it'll be Tennessee, or back to Michigan, or a completely random state like Texas? And regardless of where the next house is at geographically, regardless of how God allows me to use my gifts, I will trust the path that Jesus walks us down. When we are there and while we are here, I know that I can hold my children and husband's hands and say:

"This is home." 

How is your heart, friends? I am always available to pray for you and with you if you feel like sharing! Send me an e-mail, comment below, or find me on Facebook! And what places or people are home to YOU? 

Just a Mom

Photo by: Jana Glass

I vividly remember being in the hospital after having my first-born. I labored twenty-five hours with him, had the hardest time progressing in dilation, endured back labor the entire time, and spent much of the active labor, moaning and puking. He was born at 11:11am on a Friday before Father's Day. I was rolled to a room, with him in my arms, and I vaguely remember my mom being at my side. I had been awake, also, for twenty + hours, and my mind was so fuzzy, my body so tired. I couldn't coherently answer nurse's questions, and after I woke from a short nap, I was so shocked and horrified that I was still having contractions!!

Through all the books I read, the other moms I talked to, how come no one ever mentioned the contractions?! I suppose there's a possibility they did, and I just didn't have a clue what they were talking about because I didn't yet have a baby! But oh the pain, of learning how to nurse a baby for the very first time and at the same time, trying to get through those tight tortures of my uterus shrinking back to normal.

But there are a lot of things people don't tell you, isn't there?

Like how badly you may blister from learning how to breastfeed. Or the medical side effects (ahem, Thyroitis). People don't tell you how drastically things will change: your emotions, your hormones, your ability to think straight and rationally for the next ____________ (still waiting!) years. But most of all, do you know what I was the least prepared for? Do you know what I still am shocked to hear or understand, after being a mother for three and a half years?

The comments and the lack of understanding from so many people.

Shortly after my son was born, I noticed that my friendships began changing drastically. I had after all, never been 'held down' before and had always been free to make plans when I wanted, where I wanted, and how late I wanted. The fact that we put our son on a schedule from the day he was born, also made friendships challenging. Nap times were important to me, breastfeeding was important to me, and it was no longer as simple as arranging lunch or dinner plans without having a time limit on them.

There were a lot of adjustments to be made, my feelings were easily hurt (sensitive, first time Mom problems...? You bet!) and many friends I had,  just couldn't understand. The phrase 'Mommy Ashley' pops into my head often. And I heard, 'If you're just going to be a mom..." A friend once confided in me that she missed Ashley, and didn't know what to do with 'Mommy Ashley.' Well, at 11:11am that Friday morning, 'Mommy Ashley' was the new me. 

Just a mom.

What mom is 'just a mom?' I don't need to sing my praises here because honestly, I don't think I'm an A+ Mother. But I love my children well and deeply. I never would have planned to have two children so close together in age, but God did, so I sucked it up and decided that I would be the best mom of two that I can be. There were (and still are) many sleepless nights. There are tears to wipe, life-lessons to teach, diapers to change, mouths to feed, laughter to create, and cuddles to be had. There are two tiny humans who rely on me for everything. And there are people who want to venture with me through it, and those who don't. And I'm learning how to let this be okay.

When I shared my decision to take some time next year to stay home with the kids, I was once told, 'That's just lazy!" I was mortified. Lazy, being used as an adjective to describe someone who 'just wants to be a Mom.' After walking away, I had to take a breath and remind myself that people make different choices. And I get it: I made the choice to have a baby (and was surprised with two), the one to get married and to live the current life that we live. But when I take days "off" to be with sick kids, my mornings do NOT look like me peacefully sipping coffee, starting slow, or really, me sitting at ALL. There is structured chaos, from seven-thirty in the morning until nap and then from the afternoon until eight at night. And nap time for them, includes laundry and dishes for me, editing photos for clients, searching ways to write a book and then if there's any time left at all, writing the thoughts jumbling in my head, such as this one.

Just a mom.

I'm a referee for sibling squabbles, a teacher as they learn how to read, draw and imagine. I'm a nurse when something hurts, a counselor when they need to talk. I'm a house cleaner as I dust and sort and pick up toys. And don't forget the titles: worrier, planner, cook, and friend. If you don't already know this, I'm a full time teacher to fourth and fifth grade students who have emotional and behavioral disorders. From 7:30-2:30, Monday through Friday, I'm in my classroom, playing many of these roles for other peoples' children. I also run a professional photography business and, AND, I am working my darnedest to go big with this blog.

Maybe to some this isn't a high-status job, but to me, there is no higher calling. If you are a mom reading this, please don't ever refer to yourself as 'just as mom,' because you are so much more. And if you've created a life different from the ones that consist of diapers and little mouths to feed, great! But can't we join arms around each other and love the heck out of other women, regardless of these titles?

You're not just a mom.

And you're not just a woman.

You're a soul that was created for a purpose and whatever purpose that may be, let's celebrate together.

How Are You?

How many people do you pass by a day? Stop for a moment and think about those who surround you. You're at your workplace, brushing someone's shoulder in the hallway. Who are they? You're at your desk, co-workers are in your building, people are surrounding you, everywhere. Who do 'they' consist of? You go into Kroger and you say, "Pardon me," to the gal who nearly plummeted into your cart--who was she? You're a daughter or a son, a wife or husband, mom or dad; who do you come home to? Do you have family in town? Do you communicate often? Is your family living long distance from you, perhaps many miles away? How are they doing? 

Stop and pause. 
Close your eyes. 
 

Your top five friends. Who are they? How are they? Okay, now close your eyes again. Take a deep breath and count with me to ten. Open them. And now I want to know: 

How are YOU? 

When is the last time you were asked this question? Did you think to yourself, "I can't tell you. You wouldn't get it. My struggles are different from yours. You and I are complete opposites." So you probably responded with, "I'm good!" and hurried right along. But do you have someone, who when they ask this question, the sometimes dreaded three words, how are you, that you can honestly answer, not just with a socially acceptable one? 

While I was journaling tonight, what I continued to come back around to was this very question. And honestly? For the first time in a VERY long time, I was able to write that I am doing WELL. And even more honestly, that felt wrong to admit! How can I be doing 'good' when others are suffering? Surely something has to be wrong in my life? There has to be something wrong!

But you know what? My husband and I are HAPPY; we've been married for seven and a half years and let me tell you, the last two years have consisted of a lot of healing and reconciliation for us. Praise God, right!!? My kids are healthy and happy. Don't get me wrong, they are EXHAUSTING; but they're two and three and what kid isn't tiring? I have experienced a lot of growth in the last year. I've set boundaries in my heart and personal life from certain relationships because I *finally* listened to God's voice. I've said a lot more "no's" and a lot less "I'm sorry's," and this is OKAY because my Creator has given me direction. I've set huge goals and am at the beginning stages of living a life of purpose, and well?? 

I'm realizing that it is OKAY for this to be a season of goodness. 

But do you know what I think is so important? Honesty. Be real with someone in your life today. Can you? And if things are going well for you, share that goodness and encourage someone else. And if your friend answers YOU honestly, and maybe shares about the sadness or stresses in their life, listen! I may be completely different from you, have dreams that you think you can't relate to, be working a career that you can't understand; but I promise, God created us to have fellowship with one another, no matter our differences. And do you want to know what else? I sincerely want to know how you are! 

Are you struggling with anything today? Are you chasing perfect and wishing that life would just slow down? Are you filling your mind with guilt, comparison, or deeming yourself unworthy? 

One thing you need to know about me is that I am far from perfect. Above, when I said that things in my life are going well, didn't mean that life was going perfectly. Do I struggle with stress? Yes. Do I tend to be neurotic? Yep. Do I drink enough water? Never. Do I exercise as often as I think I "should?" Nope. Do I doubt my friendships, my relationships, my ability to be a mother and wife? Often, yes. But I can finally say with confidence that in this season, I am finding more to be positive about then negative, and this is HUGE for me. 

So again, how are you? 

And if you don't feel comfortable commenting below, shoot me an e-mail. How can I pray for you? In what ways can I encourage you? How can I be a friend, a listening ear, for you in your current season? Do you have praises that you need someone to rejoice with you over?! Maybe you need a virtual CONGRATULATIONS. Whatever you are thinking, right now, after reading this post, I pray that you will give it to God and share it with someone today. 

Thank you for walking with me, friends! And thank you for being YOU, because no matter what, YOU are great. 

Through the Stillness

Alright, ya'll. If any of you are big dreamers like myself, then I really think you should run, not walk, to your closest bookstore. Lara Casey wrote a book that honestly, I was attracted to because of the cover... I know, I know--"Don't judge a book by its' cover," right? However, this girl likes pretty things! So, the vibrant colors along with the title, Make it Happen, quickly caught my attention. I haven't opened a book in probably years (yes, that's true and yes, that's sad) but when I began reading this one, I couldn't put it down. She wrote everything that my heart was in need of hearing and she sincerely inspired me to continue dreaming BIG! 

Chapter by chapter I found myself thinking, "This is so me," and "Yes, I can do big things!" When I was a kid, I used to sneak out to the hall night light to read books late at night. I found myself going to bed during our most recent spring break Michigan trip, and I just couldn't sleep. I would turn my bedside night light on, or if my husband was already sawing logs (usually he was), I tiptoed to my parents large upstairs living room. I continued turning pages, finishing chapters and before I knew it, I reached the part she titled: "Evaluate Your Life."

While my kids napped, I slowly read this section of her book and decided to journal my thoughts along the way. "Your worries today can directly affect what you write next, so don't shove them under the table" (148). I mean really, how often do you have a worry or a thought, and just run past it? Not all things are worth worrying over and Matthew 6:34 says, "For do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has its' own trouble."  However, when you are seeking the right words, direction in your thoughts and creative passions, I think it is important to slow down and think through them. Not lose sleep, necessarily; but process. What are you worried about? What do you need to ponder on in order to walk through this season of life effectively? I thought through and responded to some of her prompts that I'll share you with here: 

• How are you feeling physically? 
• What are your thoughts about your workplace? 
• How are your relationships? 
• Are you using God's gifts and how are your creative passions?  
• How is your physical space treating you?  
• How is your relationship with God? 

Do you want to know my BIGGEST dream? The one that I've always deemed 'too big' or 'too grand?'

I want a sixteen hand Thoroughbred horse. I want it to be Bay in color with a little speck of white on his face. I want him to be calm, but spunky. I want to jump hurdles and ride openly through fields and on trails. I want to wake up at six a.m. and greet him in the stall, as he's still lying down from a good night's sleep. I want to kiss his soft muzzle and wrap my arms around his giant neck, as I sit bareback across him. I want to watch my kids lead him across his pasture, to photograph their sweetness as they learn and discover the healing that he brings to their hearts. But I also want a large farmhouse. White, with a wrap around porch. I want to enjoy coffee there with my husband, and watch many sunsets on our horizon. 

But it's too big. 
It's too hard. 
It's too much money. 
It's not possible with our budget. 
I'll be forty before it happens. 
But... 

What if it's not though? What if getting there isn't impossible? What if I trusted Jesus that He created me with the desires burning in my heart for a reason? For HIS reasons?! What if I allowed my faith to move me forward, instead of using it as an excuse to hold me back?  

I've been a city dweller for TEN years now-- TEN! I was the girl lying on a giant trampoline, alone, watching the clouds pass overhead. I always had a journal, and I was always writing. My closest neighbors were my family members, My brother and I romped through corn fields and picked soybeans when the seasons changed. We were barefoot, always, as we chased and dreamed. And now it's quite the opposite: I've gotten used to a three mile drive to the grocery store, a Target within ten minutes, and I can almost reach out our windows to touch the neighbors' houses. My heart longs for things of my past, but the city has also done me well. 

Instead of telling myself that my biggest dreams can't happen, I am learning whole-heartedly what patience and contentment in our current life looks and feels like. I am way more at peace this year than I was last. I check Zillow and Realtor.com weekly, but I'm also okay giving this huge chunk of my heart to God. Lara said, "Stillness is hard, isn't it? We don't want to be still...But stillness enables us to move forward with a purpose. It allows us to be intentional instead of reactionary" (154).  

What are you waiting for? What does your heart beat for? Maybe it is to climb up the corporate ladder? Maybe it's trying to figure out what Motherhood looks like in this current season? Maybe it's wedding or event planning. Maybe it's the opposite of mine and you long to move TO the city! I can only share with you because I am in the learning phase of this myself, but while waiting is difficult, it is also so important! During this season, God is doing SO much work on your heart and in your soul, if you can just let Him. It is incredibly hard for me to believe that He actually wants to give me my dream horse and house, but what if He does? I've decided to dig deeper and to believe that my fear of failure and disappointment should never outweigh the possibilities of the future.  

God is good, friends. Always. Even and especially when you may not feel it. I'm praying for you and I more than welcome you to pray for me as well. (Hey, maybe you know someone who wants to donate a beautiful horse farm my way!? Ha ha!) 

Here's to uncomfortable waiting. To the unknown, to the stagnant pauses that make us wince. Here's to big things happening in our lives, to dreaming and believing because we were created for SO MUCH MORE!