One Day at a Time: Goals for the Year Ahead

Last year's Reflection post [what I'm calling it anyway] covered a lot of things--how good 2016 was, how many blessings arose, and the ways in which God wowed my socks off. "Look at all the GOOD things God did in our lives this last year," I had written. "And yes, I'm saying this firmly to myself. All of those things do not mean that 2017 is going to go KERPLUNK. I don't need to have ANY answers right now, all I need to do is to take one day at a time. Starting Tuesday, in just two short days, I will literally be a stay at home mom and working from home. That's a HUGE dream turning into a reality!"

2016 consisted of a crap ton of hustle in order to fulfill that dream (staying home) and then guess what, 2017 was spent with me being home with our kids and really not working at ALL. I look back, however, and think that's just how God wanted it. I had dreamt of doing crafts and baking and going to parks with our Pierson and Reese before he started kindergarten. In order to do that, I photographed 8 weddings the year prior, took every paid partnership I could get my hands on, and basically booked every possible photo session. We saved every cent and I worked 6-7 days a week. I thank God OFTEN that the prayer was heard and answered and that for almost eight months (summer vacation included in that) I was "just" Mom.

It was a different kind of hustle and one that didn't exactly bring IN money. 

Thank the Lord for His provision, friends. Here were my questions walking into 2017: 

Will I be a good stay at home mom?
Will the kids like it? Will I like it? Will I be strong enough?
Will I be able to book a lot more weddings?
Will I be able to take this blog further? (What does that even mean?!)
Will I ever have another beautiful home NOT in our current neighborhood?
Will I ever live on land?
Will I have a horse?
Will I go back to teaching? Will I teach forever? Will we stay in Kentucky forever?

If you've followed along with me, many of you know how those questions panned out. I think back very fondly on my time home with the kids and being a 'stay at home mom.' The kids too have fun memories and tell me often that they loved reading Bible stories and doing crafts and learning about school. Some days I didn't LIKE it; [once I even threatened that I was going back to work if they didn't knock it off] or something super-rational and Mom of the Year statement worthy. But in hindsight, I loved it. 

I shot three weddings last year. All three blessed my socks off but one left me with a little sting and a little hurt; communication wasn't the greatest with that one and I walked away incredibly bummed that they didn't want me to blog their special day due to privacy. Lots of things learned though in that regard, and realized some tweaks I need to add to my photography business! 

We DID move to another beautiful home, NOT on land, but just one mile to my new favorite horse who I get to visit as often as I want. Well, not as often as I want because that would be 24/7 and ya know, mom life, work life, wife life and such... but still--HUGE blessing! 

I DID go back to teaching, and halfway through the school year here I am wondering, "What am I doing with my life?!" Ha! My heart is with my children, and though they are in school (kindergarten and full-time preschool), I just want to be here. As I type our son is spiking yet another fever. He had one for FIVE days the first week of December and missed five days of school! He just went back to school TODAY from Christmas break and I'm like, dude. All the stress of "whose turn is it to stay home?" and "great, this means Reese will be next." I miss last year when that was never an issue because I knew my husband would go to work and I'd be home anyway...

I wonder what's out there--if I WILL teach forever, or if God will expand my photography and blog tenfold. I think the next best step would be for me to somehow teach part-time and that's probably a more realistic goal; I'm just not sure if even that can happen? There's a lot of factors to consider: student loan debt, new house payment, if I get a horse this year [what?!?! Yes, that's the dream but hasn't it always been? Ha ha]. Benefits and health insurance. Retirement. Life in general because let's face it, extra spending money is WAY more fun... 

Let's go back to the new house though, can we? So many blessings have surrounded this home, and honestly, mostly thanks TO my photography and blogging business. (Being able to offer high-resolution images, blog posts, and other social media benefits for companies). I did a lot of research about what brands I wanted to work with, and the types of things we wanted here. We quickly learned that our style is more of an industrial/rustic/farmhouse one, and are having SO much fun designing rooms and spaces around that. It was SO fun working with Havertys Furniture to help us plan and furnish the living room--the main space where we bring people to gather (other than our giant dining room table). Definitely add that to 2017's TOP praise and to my favorite partnership list.

So, now what? 

Lord help, because I have no idea, Y'all. I felt as if last year God was telling me to BELIEVE, and there were a LOT of moments when I needed to be reminded of that. I mean I literally wrote a post called, "Are You There God? It's Me, Ashley," because I was struggling to believe he had this home destined for us. Within that, I said, "It's not that I'm suddenly denouncing God or walking away from my faith," I said. "I am just in a season of struggling to find hope." But ultimately I did believe because He continued to show His face through the pain and through the questions that I had. 

We are three days in and 2018 already has me wondering. 

Asa's car broke down on the way to his job yesterday, the first day back TO work after our break. I came home to dog poo in our bedroom for the umpteenth time because we have senior dogs and one of them in particular [ahem, Humphrey, ahem] has questionable intestines. Our cat Manny [my favorite] was let out (pretty much like normal) and then proceeded to be gone for like 15 hours in subzero temperatures. Me being super-rational, proclaimed him dead and gone on my way to work this morning, positive I would never see him again. *Side note/praise: our awesome neighbor went looking and together she and another neighbor noticed him on our back deck while we were at work. One of them proceeded to quietly enter our backyard, grab him, and she kept him safe in her house the entire day while we were at work.* Pierson is more than likely going to end up with another virus/bug this winter which all sorts of bums me out. I just want him to be WELL and to be able to enjoy kindergarten and not miss a million days! 

I seriously wrote this sentence last year: "But wait, Ashley. One day at a time."

And I think that's what I hear Him telling me again. 

One day at a time. My sweet friend Sarah recently told me, "2018 is going to be your year, Girl. I just know it." And for whatever reason, I feel more hopeful than not that it is. What's that mean? Psh, I don't know. But I think regardless it will be good. 

Instead of making to-do and checklists, here are a few things I want to work towards this year: 

-Experience more, worry less. 
-Be more intentional in every aspect: husband, kids, community
-Love our people, always. 
-More grace, less shame. 
-More strength, more rest, more joy. 
-More faith, less doubt. 
-And dream, always. 

One Step at a Time

*don't worry, that coffee is uber cold for all you dog worried folk reading*

Recently church has been really refreshing for me. It's simple. Our kids are loving it. Both of them have memorized, "And Jesus says, Come follow me!" and "I love my church!" from the kids' ministry. I'm meeting new women and am excited to develop friendships + fellowship more. And this past Sunday we started a new series, 'Finding God's Plan for Your Life.' I mistakenly left my journal at home but I opened my trusty ol' iPhone and typed away in the Notes app. I seriously felt so pumped as a guy named Keith spoke, and thought it may be helpful for some of you to hear how and what inspired me the most.  

First, Guys, I've gotta tell you, 2016 has been an incredible year. I launched this blog in January, a post went viral days later, I've done some pretty badass collaborations and sponsorships [new bunk beds, yes please / mattress, YES! / dining room table, soon to arrive / and more]; and I am so THANKFUL to the many companies I've been honored to work with. I think most of all though... I am most the most excited about getting to stay home. When last December, I looked at my husband and I declared that I needed to STAY HOME (because my firstborn starts kindergarten in August!)...well, I'm blown away by God's grace and provision in that He provided for me, so that I GET to do that! We've been over the bank account, studied the budget, numerous, numerous times. Of course there's a part of me that is so SCARED to actually rely solely on my saved income for this--but I know that God has huge things up His sleeve! I don't have a clue what they are, but my dream wheels are spinning and I've got things on my radar for 2017 that I really believe He is orchestrating.

So how many of you like to dream big? Or how many of you like it when you have a PLAN? [If you're completely laid back and don't enjoy filling up your calendar, I have no idea how you function, BUT I love you anyway.] I'm just the opposite is all ;) I was the girl who at age five had her heart set on moving to Kentucky to become a horse racing jockey, who dreamt of being the first female to win the Kentucky Derby. Did it happen? Not all of it, but a huge chunk! When I turned eighteen, I got in my car and drove to Louisville. I made connections via e-mail with several people, found a roommate, got a job at Churchill Downs, and it all started to come together. I made a plan, at a very young age, and began my journey to live it out. One step at a time!

You all clearly know that I am NOT a jockey. I did not win the Derby, nor did I even get to become a full time exercise rider. I actually ended up working for a guy who didn't have too much respect for me. He definitely had alternative motives when he hired me, and eighteen year old me had NO IDEA. Let's just say when he packed up his horses and left Churchill Downs, that was probably one of the biggest blessings for me as a woman. I went to work for a more upstanding trainer, loved every second of it, but summer soon approached and I moved back home to Michigan. When I came BACK to Louisville, I very soon after met my husband, fell in love, and haven't actually WORKED with horses since. [If you've kept up, you know that's ALL part of my future dreams, but currently, it's on pause.]

What does all of this have to do with my current life or future dreams? Well, when Keith said, "God leads us in steps. He gives you one step at a time," in my head I was reliving these baby steps that have placed me where I currently am. Eighteen-year old Ashley wouldn't have ever told you that it was her dream to be a blogger and professional photographer. She was seeing 5 feet in front of her face and all she saw was horses. And then later, a Godly and handsome man who would become twenty-year old Ashley's husband. But a HUGE part of my story from the track is I believe, what has inspired twenty-eight year old Ashley's 2017 visions: to write, and specifically, to empower women from across the globe in believing that they are WORTHY and LOVED.

I don't actually know HOW all of this will pan out. I want to stay home and focus on our kids, and I get to do that for at LEAST eight months. And I want to write and meet SO many of you, have dinner with you and share your beautiful story. I want a farmhouse and a few horses, and I'm not even positive where that will BE. Yet I don't need to have anxiety over my future. I know that God is not afraid to bless me (us) if we choose to put Him first. Keith said, "Delight yourself in every season, allow Him to LEAD you, and he WILL fulfill His plan for your life." (Psalm 37:4 for reference). Right now, I am absolutely in the baby stages of planning. I'm launching a new series, spreading the word, and I'm going to soak in every ounce of my three and four year old. And with God, no step is ever wasted. I'll be honest in that not all of my life has been sunshine and roses. It STILL isn't. There was quite a bit of hurt for a period of time, abuse, self-doubt, you name it. But I believe it is ALL part of a very intricately woven story, that only my Creator could write.

"Despise NOT the day of small beginnings," (Zechariah 4:10) is going to be one of my 2017 mantras. Have you ever been overwhelmed by the BIG picture, when you are just starting out? Or maybe scared of what's to come, how everything plays out, where YOU end up? I am going to allow God to take me through the process. "Treat the little steps like they are the greatest opportunity you've EVER had," was the most powerful piece to me in our message Sunday. Life comes in stages and phases, and this is how God meant for it to BE.

Guys! Don't be SCARED for the coming year. Hey, maybe you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "Heck, I'm not worried, I've got it all figured out!" But did you know even in THAT, God is doing something you have absolutely no clue about? I am so excited, and yes, a little scared too, to look back on this post in a year. Maybe I'll actually really NOT enjoy staying home with the kids and I'll be knocking down the door of a classroom begging, "LET ME BACK IN!!! I need to teach!!!!" Maybe we'll still be living in the same home [God, please no......] Perhaps my blog will FLOP [hopefully not!!], maybe Instagram will disappear [doubtful] and at the end of 2017 I'll be like, "Ashley, what were you THINKING?!" But Y'all, THAT is the beauty in this.

God leads us in steps. And no step is EVER wasted.

Tell me, what are you dreaming of?! What excites you (or terrifies you!) about 2017? We are all in this TOGETHER. From wherever you are, I am standing there with you. Leave a comment below and let's talk, because friends, I am excited to know your heart!

"The steps of a good man are ORDAINED by GOD; and He delights in his way!" -Psalm 37:23

Through the Stillness

Alright, ya'll. If any of you are big dreamers like myself, then I really think you should run, not walk, to your closest bookstore. Lara Casey wrote a book that honestly, I was attracted to because of the cover... I know, I know--"Don't judge a book by its' cover," right? However, this girl likes pretty things! So, the vibrant colors along with the title, Make it Happen, quickly caught my attention. I haven't opened a book in probably years (yes, that's true and yes, that's sad) but when I began reading this one, I couldn't put it down. She wrote everything that my heart was in need of hearing and she sincerely inspired me to continue dreaming BIG! 

Chapter by chapter I found myself thinking, "This is so me," and "Yes, I can do big things!" When I was a kid, I used to sneak out to the hall night light to read books late at night. I found myself going to bed during our most recent spring break Michigan trip, and I just couldn't sleep. I would turn my bedside night light on, or if my husband was already sawing logs (usually he was), I tiptoed to my parents large upstairs living room. I continued turning pages, finishing chapters and before I knew it, I reached the part she titled: "Evaluate Your Life."

While my kids napped, I slowly read this section of her book and decided to journal my thoughts along the way. "Your worries today can directly affect what you write next, so don't shove them under the table" (148). I mean really, how often do you have a worry or a thought, and just run past it? Not all things are worth worrying over and Matthew 6:34 says, "For do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has its' own trouble."  However, when you are seeking the right words, direction in your thoughts and creative passions, I think it is important to slow down and think through them. Not lose sleep, necessarily; but process. What are you worried about? What do you need to ponder on in order to walk through this season of life effectively? I thought through and responded to some of her prompts that I'll share you with here: 

• How are you feeling physically? 
• What are your thoughts about your workplace? 
• How are your relationships? 
• Are you using God's gifts and how are your creative passions?  
• How is your physical space treating you?  
• How is your relationship with God? 

Do you want to know my BIGGEST dream? The one that I've always deemed 'too big' or 'too grand?'

I want a sixteen hand Thoroughbred horse. I want it to be Bay in color with a little speck of white on his face. I want him to be calm, but spunky. I want to jump hurdles and ride openly through fields and on trails. I want to wake up at six a.m. and greet him in the stall, as he's still lying down from a good night's sleep. I want to kiss his soft muzzle and wrap my arms around his giant neck, as I sit bareback across him. I want to watch my kids lead him across his pasture, to photograph their sweetness as they learn and discover the healing that he brings to their hearts. But I also want a large farmhouse. White, with a wrap around porch. I want to enjoy coffee there with my husband, and watch many sunsets on our horizon. 

But it's too big. 
It's too hard. 
It's too much money. 
It's not possible with our budget. 
I'll be forty before it happens. 
But... 

What if it's not though? What if getting there isn't impossible? What if I trusted Jesus that He created me with the desires burning in my heart for a reason? For HIS reasons?! What if I allowed my faith to move me forward, instead of using it as an excuse to hold me back?  

I've been a city dweller for TEN years now-- TEN! I was the girl lying on a giant trampoline, alone, watching the clouds pass overhead. I always had a journal, and I was always writing. My closest neighbors were my family members, My brother and I romped through corn fields and picked soybeans when the seasons changed. We were barefoot, always, as we chased and dreamed. And now it's quite the opposite: I've gotten used to a three mile drive to the grocery store, a Target within ten minutes, and I can almost reach out our windows to touch the neighbors' houses. My heart longs for things of my past, but the city has also done me well. 

Instead of telling myself that my biggest dreams can't happen, I am learning whole-heartedly what patience and contentment in our current life looks and feels like. I am way more at peace this year than I was last. I check Zillow and Realtor.com weekly, but I'm also okay giving this huge chunk of my heart to God. Lara said, "Stillness is hard, isn't it? We don't want to be still...But stillness enables us to move forward with a purpose. It allows us to be intentional instead of reactionary" (154).  

What are you waiting for? What does your heart beat for? Maybe it is to climb up the corporate ladder? Maybe it's trying to figure out what Motherhood looks like in this current season? Maybe it's wedding or event planning. Maybe it's the opposite of mine and you long to move TO the city! I can only share with you because I am in the learning phase of this myself, but while waiting is difficult, it is also so important! During this season, God is doing SO much work on your heart and in your soul, if you can just let Him. It is incredibly hard for me to believe that He actually wants to give me my dream horse and house, but what if He does? I've decided to dig deeper and to believe that my fear of failure and disappointment should never outweigh the possibilities of the future.  

God is good, friends. Always. Even and especially when you may not feel it. I'm praying for you and I more than welcome you to pray for me as well. (Hey, maybe you know someone who wants to donate a beautiful horse farm my way!? Ha ha!) 

Here's to uncomfortable waiting. To the unknown, to the stagnant pauses that make us wince. Here's to big things happening in our lives, to dreaming and believing because we were created for SO MUCH MORE!