Friendship Breakups

Aren't seasons beautiful? Spring, winter, autumn, summer... but all of them are so drastically different from one another. If you think about flowers and plants, or maybe you have a garden, there is pruning and daily tending and nurturing to be had. Things bloom and things rest, and all is entirely necessary to transition to the next season. Also a necessary step to keeping a successful garden? Digging deep under the surface. Your hands will get dirty, but weeds need plucking, plants need trimming, and it's work. Hard work.

The same goes for friendships.

Lysa TerKeurst said, "I want the equation to be: make a friend, keep a friend. Live in a blissful place of fun connection. See eye to eye. Believe the best. Get along. Be nice. Collect hilarious inside jokes along the way. And fight for each other always. That's what I secretly hope for. But that's not reality. Sometimes the equation is make a friend, try your best with that friend, and things go cold" (66, Uninvited).

Lately, I feel like I've been in a LONG season of soul searching. Something happened after I had kids. Something switched inside of me. I became Mom and my areas of focus substantially changed. Two little hearts and bodies who need me, all the time. Scheduling hang outs became necessary, and often planned around the kids' nap and bed times. Honestly, it was terrifying to think about the kids being awake while I hung out with my friends. Noise and chaos? Who wants that when you want quality time. But that's not realistic. My kids aren't going to take a two plus hour nap every day, and they won't always be starting their bedtime routine at 7:30pm. They're going to grow up, and other people are going to have to be around them, and then what?

I went on a women's retreat to Nashville a few months ago with my Radiant Team. I was the only mom amongst the group and as we shared our hopes and dreams, emotions swelled to the surface. It all came spilling out of me one evening, I long for a friend who wants to be amidst the crazy. Who will be there during bath time and who doesn't mind talking over the chaos. Who sees the piles of laundry and doesn't think, 'Gosh this lady needs to get it TOGETHER,' but says, 'How can I help?' I don't mean to sound greedy--I really don't. Because if there's a lady out there who wants that from me, girl, I'm all in. I will bring my crazy children to your house to play with your crazy children and we can eat ice cream from the container and fold ALL the laundry.

 Lara Casey in her 'Fruitful Friendships' series said, "Little by little, meaningful relationships are cultivated. One small seed planted today can grow into a towering tree years from now. The little by little adds up. If we strive for overnight results, we might miss the good fruit that waits for us in the process—the growing part." How TRUE is this?? Deep and meaningful friendships do NOT happen overnight. They need pruning and cultivating and little by little; they can begin to grow. But what about the hurt you've experienced from prior friendships? Have you been there?

I never thought I would be the almost thirty-year old (ouch) woman who suffered from heartache over past friendships. I guess I shouldn't be TOO surprised, as I was always the sensitive girl who longed for everyone to be her best friend, but still in my adult life? There's just some pieces (big ones) that haven't quite healed. And when I sat in my first counseling session (yes, praise God for trained professionals to help us process!), she said, "For the next session decide what you want to focus on. Is it how to start believing that you don't NEED people in your life that don't help you feel complete? How to help you believe that you are the amazing woman that you?" I walked away thinking about all the things I needed to work on mentally and emotionally, not to mention spiritually and physically, and have decided that yes, that's what I need help with the most right now.

God is trying to teach me in this season. I can feel my heart being molded; I can sense my mind and soul becoming stronger and stronger. It's almost like HE is gardening my spirit. It's painful, but I'm beginning to sense the freedom. There are seasons for EVERYTHING. Springtime brings lots of rain and with it, fresh and beautiful blooms. Temperatures start warming and colors burst everywhere. In the summer so many crops are grown and harvested, I think back to the blueberries I picked growing up, how they took TIME to become the beautiful and sweet berry. Cooler air comes in, and the once green leaves begin changing color. Once they fall, the trees are left bare, and the fields are vast and empty. But Winter isn't really a season of death--no, it's a time of dormancy. Plants are busy storing their energy, preserving their nutrients, and waiting patiently to bloom  again in the spring.

Do you ever feel like you are living in a cycle of lack? Like you don't measure up? Have you taken it personally when it goes cold with your friend? All signs are pointing for me to seek God MORE. Lara says, "I am invited. Always welcome. Always loved."

Seasons change. Friendships and relationships change. It doesn't mean that they are dead, that you are cut off. It means you (and I) were loved for a period, and even if ended poorly, we can be grateful for the laughs and fellowship that was once had. 

"Little by little, meaningful relationships are cultivated." I'm so thankful for all the vastly different seasons of friends I have experienced. And I pray their time with me was blessed as well. For the long-lasting friends, the long-distance besties since age four, my heart will forever hold on to you. For my family and the dear sister-in-laws that I've been blessed to inherit, I am so fortunate. For the newer friends and Instagram friends and dear women I've met from this blog, I appreciate you SO much.

Let's be friends. And talk more in the comments below, I'd love to chat with ya'll!  

Finding God Amidst the Busy

Happy weekend, Ya'll! I'm working through Lysa TerKeurst's book Uninvited and Ladies, if you haven't grabbed your copy yet, PLEASE CHANGE THAT! I'm basically highlighting the heck out of every paragraph because so much of what she says applies to my life, (did she write this book for me?! Because I feel like she did....??)

This line especially has pulled tightly at my heart strings:

"What is holding my attention the MOST is what I'm truly worshipping."

Lately I have been feeling a lot of conviction from that quote. So much, that I brainstormed with my husband through some of my thoughts, and I thought it would be helpful to share with you. If you know me personally, you know that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and am very passionate about the dude I call my Savior. But I think that even if you don't consider yourself a Christian, this is still a good self-check to see what you are focusing on, and to see if you need to set some time aside to take a break from what may be distractions.

Are you a mom? A wife? Maybe you're single and you live alone or with a house full of roommates. Regardless of your answer, how do you start your day? For me, my trusty iPhone is my alarm clock, as I'm sure is true for most of you. My phone is actually MOST things that I need: a calendar, a scrapbook, a notepad and journal--it's where I can read my devotionals [though I often forget] and even my Bible. But the first thing I find myself doing when I tap snooze on the screen, is to open Instagram and then Facebook, and mindlessly scroll through social media. NOT because those things are super uplifting or encouraging, not because I'm overly concerned with how many 'likes' a post received the night prior, but because I'm not thinking. OR sometimes it's because I AM thinking, but I'm thinking about the wrong things. Did so and so leave me a comment, or did so and so respond to my message?

"We have to remember that where we pay attention matters more than we know. Our minds and hearts are like dry sponges. What we focus on is what we will soak in and saturate us."

What do you do before bed? What's the LAST thing you look at on and focus on? Your phone or device? Because for me, once again, late at night, the kids are asleep, my husband's fallen asleep (because let's face it, as soon as his head hits the pillow he's blessed to be snoring), and as tired as my mind or heart may be, I can't quickly fall asleep. Every. single. night--I search houses for sale (there are NONE), I peruse Instagram, and I check Facebook.

Is that WRONG of me? No, not really. I'm not really comparing myself to others via the Internet (though I do sometimes!),  I'm not overly worried about the things that exist there; but I know that the fact is, those things do NOT need as much attention from me as they get. As a Christian, I DO long to have a God-centered and focused mind. And I KNOW that what I think about first thing in the morning and the last things I focus on before I fall asleep, those thoughts should be more aimed towards Him. But what can I do? I'm not a drastic 'go cold-turkey' kind of gal. (Basically why I have zero interest in ever doing Whole-30 or any other drastic food plan for my life... oops). But what changes can I make to help me create a more positive mindset? That's what I wanted to talk to you about, because accountability is key and if you're anything like me, you're a busy woman who has a million things on her mind and plate at ALL times. And there's a good chance that social media ALSO has a prevalent place in your day-to-day as well.

'If I want God to be my focus, I must give Him my first thoughts. And if I want my mind to be at peace when I sleep, I must keep my thoughts fixed on His promises at night..."

Something my husband and I talked about was our morning routine. Our kids are super young and 98% of the time we are being woken by one of them. But even if this happens and I want to roll over and close my eyes for 2.5 more minutes, do I need to check Instagram or Facebook? Do I need to open my e-mails and see if anyone reached out or responded to me? Newest conviction: I want to be eighty years old and look back on my life and remember how EVERY morning, my husband and I prayed together. If that can happen before our feet hit the floor, great. And if it can't, I can take that time myself to ask God for some strength, thank Him for allowing me to wake, and for protecting us through the night.

So, step one: Pray as soon as I wake.

I always go downstairs and make our coffee before even looking in the mirror. Most days I'm super rushed and I don't give myself enough time to sit and have any moments of real 'quiet.' But even between the coffee run, brushing my teeth, and applying my makeup I've realized I still have TIME. Do any of you have the She Reads Truth app on your phones? I do and I have for YEARS. So why don't I ever OPEN it? I'm not encouraging that our quiet times or devotionals be rushed, but I'm super convicted that in the 5-10 minutes of slowness in my mornings, I haven't had ANY time with the Lord. Can I read the app during planning or even when I get to work in the morning? Sure. But it's the things that have taken FIRST priority that I just want to CHANGE. Why not check social media or e-mails AFTER I've read a lesson or scripture and had a few minutes of prayer?

Step two, read a devotion and/or intentionally dive into the Word.

Something I have struggled with probably most of my life is that I'm very often a glass half empty type of gal. ONE thing can go wrong and my entire mindset is flipped upside down. I have a tendency to feel trapped by my own agenda; the busy weekends filled with photo shoots, the laundry that needs to get done, the kitty litter that needs to be vacuumed for the 100th timebecause our kitten is CRAZY. So I know that I personally need to work on speaking positively to myself, and I'm wondering if you could benefit from this too?

Step three, speak at least three encouraging truths to myself as a mantra for my day.

Some examples of this could be:
-I will be patient this afternoon with my students (and children) (and husband!) (and SELF!)
-I will be forgiving.
-I will have grace for myself and others when there are moments of error.

And at the end of the day, when everything has come full circle all over again, reflecting on these goals can be incredibly beneficial. Where did I succeed and what are some praises that I have about my day? How did I mess up and where do I need to ask for forgiveness and grace? What can I look forward to tomorrow?

And instead of finishing the day by opening my social media apps, why not practice these instead?

So, step four, set the alarm clock, turn my phone OVER or put it out of reach, and count my blessings.

That sounds SO simple, doesn't it? But I'm a busy working mother, one who tends to overbook, over commit, and who is still learning how to truly prioritize. CLEARLY, I need help prioritizing my spiritual life! But instead of begrudging my tired days; the times I was woken by my small children, the times that they are sick, the laundry that never ends, the floors that need to be cleaned... I want to be excited that the Lord has chosen ME for this life. 

You guys, I'm not saying social media platforms are bad. But you know as well as I do that sometimes they ARE. Sometimes they take away from how carefully we are paying attention to our children (or husbands). Sometimes we respond to our kids like, "Yes, Dear," and "Uh-huh" without even looking up to see WHAT they just begged us to look at. And there are many mornings and many nights that I'm realizing I need to just focus on something else--Someone else. We aren't promised tomorrow, so how can we help our minds, bodies and souls be more pure? 

How to Fully Enjoy YOUR Adult Space: A Review for Tuft + Needle

As a mom, our bedroom has become one of my favorite places in our very old home. Our large windows face a gorgeous park and the sunlight is always on-point, beaming off the white walls and our over-sized bed. Our two kids' bedrooms are directly across from ours and since they were teeny tiny, they've always known that their room is THEIR room--just like Mommy and Daddy's room is OUR room. It's not that my bedroom has ever been off limits to them, but we work hard to ensure that we always have a nice and cleaned up adult space that we can escape to as needed. 

When the seasons shift, I typically get in the mood to go on a re-arranging spree. Thank God my husband not only tolerates it, but loves it equally, and he's always the muscles behind it all. So this fall, as soon as the temperatures dropped below eighty-degrees, our windows were opened, the curtains came down to be washed, and we started to move things around. I grabbed my DoTerra diffuser and put in some drops of cinnamon and orange, turned that baby on and voila, fall scented room! 

For years though, my husband has voiced his discomfort in our old bed. It had served us pretty well for the last seven years of marriage, but his snoring was getting out of control and it was getting much harder for him to sleep on his sides when I would whisper, "Asa, roll over!" As an avid Instagram lover, I saw a ton of my online friends using a mattress from a U.S. store called Tuft and Needle. I decided to shoot them an e-mail and inquire, and it's complete thanks to THEM that we have a brand new mattress AND that my husband (and I) are sleeping SO much better. 

Let me get sidetracked just a little and tell you about this mattress, may I? 

-This mattress is made of a soft and comfortable foam, and it has two layers of pliable give, offering a HUGE remedy for sleepers who struggle with back pain. 

-The layers of engineered foam (created by makers of Tuft and Needle themselves!) are designed to improve cooling while sleeping--I don't know about you, but I am a HOT sleeper and so is my husband. This is a HUGE perk for us and one we can seriously tell a difference from our previous box-spring mattress. 

-The mattress was SUPER easy to set-up (though it does take two people, regardless of what my stubborn "do it himself" husband says); we just opened the box, cut open the vacuum sealed liner and bam, it rolled and stretched itself out! 

-Tuft and Needle has a 100-day trial period and you can send it back with a 100% refund should you have any qualms with it--we DON'T, and we've been enjoying it for several weeks now. However, if this product ISN'T for you, rest assured that you'll be taken care of! 

-There is a 10-year warranty on this mattress and to me, that's just amazing. If there's one thing that I know for certain in talking with representatives from this company, it's that they CARE about you and your sleep. 

-Both my husband and I are sleeping a lot better. Honestly, I never had too much issue from our old mattress, but he did. So he tells me that he wakes less groggy and that his joints and back are not in ANY pain. For a 6'4'' dude, that's a big deal. So I'm super grateful! 

SO! Recently we put freshly cleaned bedding on our brand new bed (gray tones are my favorite, no matter the season), I ordered a new print from Luminous Prints with our tattooed phrase, "I Choose You," and I put a few pumpkins scattered around. We have a Bath and Body Works Pumpkin Pie candle burning often, the curtains open all day everyday, and we love to curl up under a fuzzy blanket and unwind after the kiddos are in their beds for the night.

Having an adult space? It's important. Our room is always the place that I go when I need a moment to recharge. It's always where my Golden Retriever and orange cat Alfredo like to rest; there's almost nothing I love more than to plop down beside them to just take a moment to unwind and breathe. Thank you, Tuft and Needle for our gifted mattress! 

How do YOU all cozy-ify your bedroom? [That's a word, right?] And what are some seasonal switches that you like to do when the temps start to change? 

In a Hurting World

My door bell rang and I opened it to three wonderful little boys staring up at me. One was a sweet kiddo who I haven't seen in two years, since he moved to another part of town. The other two are brothers who live just two houses down.

"My brother got killed yesterday," one said.

Cars sped by, my own children were inside begging for snacks, our gigantic Lab burst out the door, and six pained eyes waited for my response.

Loss is prevalent, and I know this first hand. I work at a children psychiatric facility where I teach lots of broken youth, all whom have incredibly traumatic backgrounds. But nothing could have prepared me for this.

Two days before this, my husband and I heard the loud blare of sirens flying down our street. All the first responders couldn't get to where they were going fast enough--which was to the location where a teenage boy had just been shot and killed. We heard the tears coming from our sidewalks, middle school-aged children crying and loudly mourning. Later that night we quietly entered our son's room and sat on his floor; we didn't even know yet what had happened or who it involved, we just knew something was terribly wrong. In the morning when we learned of the age and incident, our hearts just sank.

The very next day while I was at work, text message alerts came to our phones that there had been a shooting in our neighborhood: One was dead, the other in critical condition. In the middle of broad daylight, two young men shot each other; the one killed was the half-brother to my little neighbor boys.

What do you DO when young hearts ring your doorbell and bear such heart wrenching news?

Amongst the three children outside my door, my own kids inside, and my husband who wasn't yet on his way home from work--I needed to be packing for Tennessee, where I was supposed to be headed very soon; my world froze for a moment and I looked in to the eyes before me. "I am so sorry, Guys," I quietly said. "I love you all SO much, please be safe this weekend." I gave them all giant hugs and closed the door, where my world, for the most part, would be un-phased.

But what about theirs?

The whole weekend I spent out of state, my heart constantly thought about these families. I prayed often, and I thanked God for keeping my own family safe amidst the crime. I drove home 48-hours later and shortly before I got off the exit for our house my phone rang. My husband said the Vigil was happening at the park and that our road was blocked off--"Let me know when you're close and I'll ask the police to let you through," he said. When I pulled up to the house, my eyes shifted to the park. I saw the neighborhood children, their sad and somber faces, and my husband kneeling beside our little ones trying to keep them quiet. How do you explain to them what was going on? How much is too much for them to know? Later that evening we walked in our bare feet to their house, carrying a vase full of fresh flowers. Flowers? I asked myself. Is flowers a terribly insensitive idea? I just wanted them to know how much I love them. 

The days continued to pass by, the boys always waved whenever they saw me. I was often greeted with warm hugs when I would pull up to the house or when they got home from school. We ordered them a pizza one night; a house full of kiddos and two hurting parents, I just wanted to be able to do something--anything.

Our two kids really didn't have a clue what was going on and at that point I was grateful. Explaining guns and violence to a three and four-year old just didn't seem pertitent. They probably thought we were just hanging out with friends at the Vigil and with the flowers, they assumed we were being nice neighbors. But flash forward a few months later, when my world was shaken even more... 

Trolling Facebook mindlessly one evening, my eyes did a double take at someone's post. It was the gal we actually purchased this home from; she had shared a blog post and some sweet words of her own about a woman from this neighborhood that had passed away a few days prior. I clicked on the blog post and slowly read paragraph after paragraph, not even knowing yet that I actually knew her. I exited the link and decided to click on the profile of the woman who had passed away and my eyes just flooded with tears. I let out a horrified gasp and dropped the phone. Honest to God, I felt like I was in shock. I wasn't close friends of the woman, but I had met her several times at the park while at the playground with my kids. She was with her six kids, she had a friend with her, and both were talking and chatting so carefree amongst all the chaos. My kids played with hers--pretend kitchen is what they were doing, making dirt pies and desserts from underneath the slides. I introduced myself and went home to tell my husband all about her. My mom too, on the phone, I bragged about this woman. "Oh she'll be a great contact for you to get to know when you take time off with the kids," she said. 

And now she's gone.

I don't know many details, except that she passed in her sleep. She has six children, three whom are adopted, and she homeschooled all of them. It was clear when I met her that she was a Believer, and while I should be assured that she is resting now with her Savior, I'm just not. At all.  

I've prayed for her family daily, often multiple times a day. I sobbed uncontrollably after realizing who she was and thinking about how young, how much more life here on Earth she 'should have had.' It's not my place, right? To think something like that. None of us know the hour or the day of which we'll be called Home to our Creator, but six sweet children and a husband woke to their wonderful mom and wife, gone. Thinking about it honestly kind of haunts me, I have done the "what if" in my mind; what would my kids do? How would my husband react? Who would he call first? WHY would Jesus allow this to happen? I walked through the park with my kids last week and we passed her house. The dog was barking in the backyard and tears again immediately flooded my eyes. 

I was alone with the kids and quietly asked, "Hey, Guys. Mama wants to pray. Is that okay? I just want to pray for the family who lives in that house." My 4-year old immediately said, "Why, Mom? Are you afraid they're going to die?" How he was that intuitive or immediately came to that concern is beyond me? But he continued to ask over and over and I felt like I was going to snap. I felt like I would be lying if I beat around the bush and avoided the question, so I answered honestly. "You know what, Buddy...? There are a lot of kids who live there and their mommy actually did die." Of course this brought a series of questions and a little bit of concern from my young son who cannot grasp the concept of death or his mommy no longer being here. And once again, my heart just broke. My son can't process it or understand, so how are her children doing? 

The world is still spinning around and around, construction workers still working, basketball players playing ball on the courts, little kids riding their bikes... but a household is without their mother. A husband without his wife. 

And the same for my neighbors... the world has continued to survive without their sweet boy; homework and school and sports and family dinners. But a giant piece of their heart is still missing. And what do we do about that?

Friends, I'm just immensely shaken. There is so much pain and hurt and suffering in this world. There are babies without their parents and parents without their babies. I don't have a solid answer on how to fix it and I know it's not my job to. But will you just pray with me? For the lives and hearts of Gods' children who all just need HIM to show up for them? To be their shoulder, their voice, their comfort, their song. It's times like this that I often begin to doubt the goodness of my Father, but I am fighting hard to hear Him through the tears. And the days for these families will be so much brighter if we can be in this together. Stand with me, pray with me, and remember that everyone, everywhere, is dealing with some hardship, so let's just LOVE.