At the End of Your Worst Day

As time has gone by, refusing to slow down, as it insists, there are a lot of memories swirling inside this twenty-eight year old brain. I could tell you a few from childhood; like when I 'ran away to my Grandma's house' because I was so upset and angry. Or the time I sprinted down our dirt road insisting that I would 'never go back,' because I didn't want to accept that our very old border collie wouldn't be coming back. I can remember some pretty painful experiences from break-ups, lies I had told, mistakes I had made, and friendships that went sourly awry. But as I've grown and aged, it's almost as if those things at this point seem silly--minuet, tiny, not so large in the grand scheme of things. 

As adults, we most often remember and dwell upon the 'worst day' in these present years. I won't ever forget mine, and I'm 100% sure that no matter how big or small, YOU can remember yours. Though it was years ago, it's also practically yesterday. The night out that I had, the very split second that I allowed another man to bump his way into my mind and heart... when the bomb went off, the sirens exploded, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. In that instant, when my brain screamed, "Ashley! This is NOT okay!! What are you going to tell your husband?!" 

For months after the emotional garbage that took place, I was a panicked wreck. Comparing myself to other women, even women on TV shows, swearing at myself and snarling, "They would never do this. Not in a million years. NO woman has ever screwed up like this." You see... growing up I was convinced that women don't screw up. Men do. Women don't think about leaving their marriages, running the other way, being with someone else--MEN do. The wives, the mothers; no, never. Not in a hundred years, or a million. It has to be the husband who causes havoc. 

Except that's NOT true. Not even a little bit. Did you know that females can screw up too? Some of you know my story, our story. You may be wondering from this post, 'What in the WORLD happened?' No, I didn't ever physically cheat on my husband. I didn't even ever come close. But the day some other guy told me that I 'looked cute,' was the day that I started to slide very fast down the relationship avalanche. When I started to care about my appearance, and not for the man that I took vows with. When I started to wonder, 'Did I get married too young? What would it be like if I just left?'

You see, friends? I REMEMBER MY WORST DAY. 

And while recently listening to Bob Goff speak at church (how blessed am I!?!) I was reminded of this perfectly refreshing truth:

"Even in your worst moment, when God looks at you, he whispers, Beloved."

'Who ARE you?' Bob asked. And the answer is this: Yes, I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a teacher, photographer, blogger, and whatever else. But most importantly, I am a daughter of GOD. And I am His beloved. At the end of my WORST day, He was still whispering, "Ashley, you are my BELOVED. Will you please accept and embrace this?" 

I also want to mention that at the end of this worst day, my husband stared deep in to my eyes and said, "Ashley, I will be here tomorrow when you wake up. I choose YOU." Honestly it was so hard for me to hear that; I felt guilty and worthless, useless, and like a screw-up. But that wasn't because anyone who genuinely loved me was making me feel that way--that was because I couldn't quite yet hear the powerful truth and message that my Creator was speaking through the man I married.

Do you have a 'worst day?' Maybe yours isn't as severe or emotional as mine. Honest to God I hope and pray that I never have to endure something as painful as this [as does my husband!], but I know I will continue to have bad days as the years proceed. And maybe you think your worst day is so much worse... Sisters, Friends; I sit here behind this screen and am praying for your heart + soul. May you hear His voice tonight, may you know the Truth that you are worthy. You are beautiful, radiant, valued, worthy, and beloved. Sinner? Yes. Absolutely, because we all are. No matter our fight and chase to the Cross, we STILL screw up. But He is always there, and always waiting. Ready to pick you up, catch you, embrace you, and love you. And, who is there calling you Beloved at the end of your worst day? 

**Whoever you are, wherever you are--may you know that I will pray for you. Send me an e-mail or just simply post a comment that you are ____ and that you need some extra prayer. Thank you for reading, and thank God for His grace; right?!**

Photo by: Jana Glass

Fridays + Donuts

Since I've sat down to write this, I've seriously been up and down the stairs eleven times. And yes, I counted. Reese is having some sort of nap regression with me staying home; some say she's super excited about being with Mommy more, I think she just hates me. This last time I went up, it's because I heard a super loud THUD; don't worry, it wasn't her falling from the bed, it was her putting her new Bitty Baby cradle IN to her bed, so that it can take up half the room lying next to her. [I've told her since Santa brought it, she cannot sleep with the cradle IN the bed, it can lie on the floor NEXT to her bed.] Well, by opening our monitor on my phone, I see that she's finally ASLEEP with said cradle next to her head, and I am NOT opening that door to move it. 

Lord help me. 

Okay, so shew! It's FRIDAY! And I've had a whopping three days at home alone with the kids. Yesterday we got two inches of snow so that meant the schools were closed (laughing so hard), but I suppose it's for the best; there were 120 accidents in the morning during regular commute! This city and snow just don't mix. But that also meant a day off with my husband and we thoroughly enjoyed the day: sledding, hot chocolate, a trip to Target, watching the snow fall outside; I'll do a whole blog post soon but not now. I'd like to hurry up and finish this so that I can go shower and MAYBE lie down for a few minutes before the children are awake again! 

Browsing Instagram this week I quickly stopped scrolling when I came to a picture posted by Kristen (@oldjoy). She had a gorgeous photo of donuts and a link to her blog post. I had to check it out because 1. I love to bake and 2. donuts are my jam. 

Because today is Friday, and I wanted to celebrate surviving my first (half) week (more laughing) doing this whole stay at home mom thing; the kids and I made donuts. I asked their previous sitter [a dear friend of mine] and her 1-year old to join us, and that was really fun to spend some adult time while the kids semi-played together. 

I made the frosting for these first, and I literally just replicated Kristen's recipe: 

1. melt 2 TBS butter
2. mix 1.5c of powdered sugar and the melted butter
3. add milk slowly, 1TBS at at time (she used 4, I ended up using 5)
 
And for the donuts, I used a simple Pilsbury cake mix (strawberry) that literally just needs to be poured into a bowl and beat on medium speed with 3 eggs and 1/2 cup of vegetable oil. 

The kids helped (oh yes, helped is such a kind word here) and were very anxious for the donuts to be done cooking and cooling so we could cover them with icing. (Once they're completely cooled, just flip the donut upside down and dip in the icing mixture.) We added sprinkles to ours and they turned out super cute. 

Next time I think I'll add vanilla or something to the icing mixture? It was good, but for my personal preference tasted a little too much like plain sugar. OH, and I should mention that I used a simple donut maker pan (purchased from Amazon) to make these cuties. Anyway, time to run! I'm super excited for this time I have with these rugrats (my friend's 1-year old Jadon is pictured above, he is the sweetest human ever); and I also so glad that it's FRIDAY and we all get a weekend with Daddy. Cheers, friends! Happy donut making and TGIF!

beloved morgan

Sisters, I could not be more excited to share this lady with you. I stumbled upon her Instagram feed months ago and when I saw where she lived, close (ish) to my parents home in Michigan, I squealed. I was all giddy and knew that I wanted to meet her. Her gorgeous farmhouse has been my dream for a *very* long time; but not just for her HOUSE; her captions always made me laugh, her two boys looked darling (they are!) and she is just a really big inspiration to MANY! 

If you haven't yet gotten familiar with the Beloved Woman, well then first, welcome! This article is part of a brand new series here on the blog and I am so pumped you are here. My mission this year is to celebrate women worldwide, to somehow make you feel loved, valued, and cherished. I want to photograph you, hug you, and share YOUR story with readers everywhere. So with all of that said, please grab your warmest blanket (because I'm freezing as I type), a large cup of tea, and enjoy this post, celebrating my dear friend and sister: Morgan Ford.

I wasn't able to meet her husband, but she shared the sweetest stuff about him when we talked:
"He was my next door neighbor, but being in the country, that means we were a mile apart.  I always wished he was my age so I could date him, or that his parents had more kids because I wanted a boy just like him! He told me after we married that he had long ago told his best friend that he had always been looking for a girl just like me! Our families always had a small Christmas together.  He hadn't come to one in years and was finally there there one Christmas six years ago.  Boy, did we hit it off!  He asked me to see a movie on Christmas Eve.  I was at a family Christmas party at the time and told my grandfather I was going home because I had a date!  I told him who it was with and he said "Ohhhh no, that boy is trouble." It made me laugh because being in a small town, of course everyone knows everybody! (And of course he had been in trouble a few times and my family knew all about his "wild streak.") Fast forward a few months (or maybe it was just weeks??) to the moment I knew he was the one.  It was cold and dark out.  He was taking me somewhere and had the truck all warmed up for me.  He had to get out to close the barn doors and had a pair of very worn leather gloves in his back pocket with a Carhartt jacket and jeans.  Something about that moment, I just remember feeling a sign or a whisper that he was the one.  Right then and there...it was nothing he did or said, but just a moment that stood still in time and a feeling that warmed my heart.  He was and is my only one."

Morgan is a nurse and fluctuates working between her closest town's local urgent care and ER. She says:

"Sometimes I think I would be better at picking or paint colors than reading EKGs, but this pays the bills and warms my heart caring for those in need. I work most weekends, as we don't have daycare, and I try to find the family-work-life balance by being home with my family."

So first of all, are you not completely in awe of their farmhouse?! The wood stove she told me heats their entire home (awesome!) and they have COMPLETELY redone the home themselves. No hired help, just them. She and her husband have been married for three years and says they haven't vacationed since their honeymoon. 

"We took a trip up north in his old rust bucket of a truck. We planned a five day trip touring the Upper Peninsula and ended up in Copper Harbor Bay the third day, in a quaint cabin. My husband looked at me and said, "You know here my favorite place is?" Where, I asked. "With you and at home!" We headed straight for home the next morning, because it's just where we both longed to be. We don't vacation or drive fancy vehicles. We have a few beat up trucks that he has built on his bolt and he's turned every bolt on them. We don't go out to dinner anymore, more than once every few months. We invest all our pennies on this home, where we are the happiest. This is his grandparents home that we have fixed up, and we did it while each working full time. My hubby wouldn't even change his boots when he came home, he went straight back to work making this house our home. We both dream to fix some fences this summer and hopefully get some animals to raise with our growing family."

I have photographed a LOT of people, and therefore a lot of women. I find a common thread amongst us all: we don't really feel all that beautiful, and we are in actuality pretty hard on ourselves. That's another reason I wanted to launch this series--because I want to help you as women feel gorgeous, if even for thirty minutes, and to help you feel a little more confident. I asked Morgan when did/does she feel the most beautiful and this was her response:

"I felt the most beautiful pregnant with each of the boys; primarily from the third to eighth month...and then I struggled with feeling big and miserable." (I totally have been there!!) And she said, "I really feel beautiful when my heart is full and happy. Life has its' ups and downs, but when my husband comes home from a long day at work and he has the babies giggling and I have dinner ready on the table, I feel THE happiest and most secure. When my hair is a mess and I have zero makeup on, he'll look at me and tell me that I'm beautiful. THAT'S when I feel it. It's always when I least expect it; his love is the icing on a cake to make me feel so loved and radiant."

Her sons, Auburn who will be two in February, and Woodrow who is three months, are just wonderful. There is something about following someone on social media and only seeing tiny glimpses of their live via virtual squares, and then getting to MEET them and the people in those frames--well, it's just incredible. My sister in law accompanied me on this trip (it was an hour drive, not too shabby but I greatly appreciated her company!) and as we pulled up, I was giddy with delight. Their dog Wyatt was literally just waiting on the porch, wagging his tail, and I felt like we had been forever best friends. When I got to wrap my arms around Morgan and squeeze her tight AND meet her tiny little humans, I was so ecstatic. Friends, this is the part of social media that I adore: getting to meet the wonderful people you connect with and establish life long friendships/relationships with them. 

I asked Morgan what she hopes to instill in her children and she replied: 

"I really hope both boys have a kind and forgiving heart. And that they will have ambition to do ANYTHING that they set forth to do. I want them to have the tenacity to fight through life's ups and downs, and to never allow life to break their spirits and endeavors."

Morgan has been running The Whitefarmhouse Blog on Instagram for a little over a year. With almost 50k followers, I'd say she leaves QUITE the impression on people who stumble upon her page. You can view her blog here, and check out some behind the scenes of her daily life. Morgan is a wife, mama, nurse, wonderful designer, and a sweet friend to many. What an honor it has been to interview her for this series. 

Give Morgan some love in the comments below and don't forget, YOU can nominate a lady for this series!! Think of someone who deeply inspires you, who you believe has a story the world needs to hear. And thank you again to my sister in law Beth, for journeying with me and helping be the Baby Whisperer that she is :D 

New Year, No Resolution

2016 was an incredible year. I mean really and truly, more positive and exciting things happened for me business wise that I never could have imagined. I remember last December, planning to launch this blog with the sole intention of seeing if I would enjoy it. I wanted a space to document our family, my writing and keep somewhat of an online journal. Never in a million years would I have fathomed that my Body Shaming post would reach as far as ABC, Good Morning America, the Huffington Post, UK blogs, and far beyond. In fact, I wouldn't have believed you if you told me that was in store for me. Nor did I fathom having the honor of working with the American Girl Company, being featured in their catalogue, and them using my Heritage blog post on THEIR website! Childhood Ashley would be flipping out, and honestly, adult me was anyway! This is not to brag or gloat, but it is a reminder to myself that while I set out to do something small (in my mind), the Lord had different intentions and He brought this MUCH further than my heart could see.

He is GOOD!

And I don't want to forget that. But days prior to New Years Eve, I found myself feeling really scared. I was fearful, doubtful, worried, that 2017 wouldn't be nearly as good. I didn't really HAVE any expectations going into 2016, and because my mind was blown, I feel like I should be expecting something even more radical going forward. But why? I don't think that this should be the case. Facebook told me that one of my 'resolutions' for 2016 was to eventually stay home with the kids. And guess what? My husband returns to his classroom to teach on Tuesday and this mama doesn't! I get to STAY HOME, practically for nine months. That HAPPENED! But I guess there's this part of me that is worried that that I need to book a ton more weddings, turn this blog into something huge, so that I can have the option of staying home with Reese when her brother starts kindergarten come August.

But wait, Ashley. One day at a time.

That's what my 2017 needs to consist of. So many of my friends have shared their 'one word' they believe God is calling them to live this year: Proactive, Intentional, Trust, Present, Confident; and so many more. After many nights of lying in bed praying and listening, I realize what the Lord is calling ME to do:

Believe

Will I be a good stay at home mom? Will the kids like it? Will I like it? Will I be strong enough? Will I be able to book a lot more weddings? Will I be able to take this blog further? (What does that even mean?!) Will I ever have another beautiful home NOT in our current neighborhood? Will I ever live on land? Will I have a horse? Will I go back to teaching? Will I teach forever? Will we stay in Kentucky forever?

Just BELIEVE

Look at all the GOOD things God did in our lives this last year. And yes, I'm saying this firmly to myself. All of those things do not mean that 2017 is going to go KERPLUNK. I don't need to have ANY answers right now, all I need to do is to take one day at a time. Starting Tuesday, in just two short days, I will literally be a stay at home mom and working from home. That's a HUGE dream turning into a reality!

I don't really have any typical New Years Resolutions this year. In 2015 I baked a new pie every single month in honor of my Grandmother, and it's the only one I have ever kept. I have some goals to work out a few days a week, to continue strengthening my core, but more than ever; my goal is to believe in the plans the Lord has for our life. I want to be strong for my children, happy for my children, and healthy. And all the while, I want to believe that my Creator has only good planned for my life, even if and when His answers are difficult to hear.

**What about you, friends? What are you hoping to focus more on in this New Year? I don't think resolutions are a bad thing, but I think that they can be deflating; that when you mess up or don't live up to it, you suddenly feel like you can't continue on. The point of falling down is to learn to stand back up--so when I find myself sinking in disbelief, I want to remember THIS. I want to remember how great our God is, how abundantly blessed we really are. Leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail. I love getting to know you, wherever you are reading from!**

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov. 3:5-6