Walking through Negative Self Image [and Here for You Too!]

If we could keep a literal log of how many times we complimented other people, I wonder what it would be. How quick are we to tell our friend how cute or pretty she looks today, or compliment someone’s hair, outfit, smile, etc. Especially if words of affirmation come naturally to you, I feel like this number would be pretty high, right?

Now about a log for how often you compliment YOURSELF…?

Ouch.

This is a place where honesty and transparency are strong values for me. This is a space where I confide, vent, share, (sometimes overshare), and attempt to uplift or encourage you, wherever you are, whoever you are. So let’s chat just for a minute about where I’m at. Turning 34 in 18 days, mom of two (8 and 9), wife of 13 years, church goer, Jesus lover, full time teacher, horse owner, dog and cat owner, part time photographer, oily obsessed woman.

And that woman is STRUGGLING when she looks in a mirror, or passes by ANYTHING that shows her reflection.

Now that you’ve read that sentence and your brain is processing it—I remind and ask you not to judge. However old of a person or woman you are, PLEASE do not ‘come at me’ for these negative thoughts. If this hasn’t been an area of struggle for you, like ever, than this may not resonate with you, but I think that’s okay. I’ve been a little quiet on “the internet” about this because sometimes I feel more sensitive than I did years ago. (It’s like I’m a giant mixture of Zero F’s to give and ‘ouch that really hurt my feelings’ kinda gal lately??) But the more it’s been sitting in my heart and thoughts the more I’ve asked myself, ‘WHY aren’t you sharing about this??”

So here we are, y’all. Total honesty.

My businesses require me to show my face, a LOT, online. Yep, that was my decision and it’s one honestly I’m pretty proud of. I’ve had no shame really showing up in my Instagram stories ‘chatting with you’ from afar. And we all love the pretty filters (not ALL the filters, good Lord there are some that literally CHANGE our entire FACES…those are disturbing.) But c’mon, SOME filters are what make IG a little more fun! So I have a few favorites. And I’ve noticed LATELY…even with filters, (Midnight Sun is my fave if you’re wondering), I am feeling more insecure than ever about showing my face. And because REAL LIFE does not have HAVE a filter slapped on it, it’s been even MORE hard for me to look in a real mirror or pass by one. At work in the fluorescent bathroom lighting or even in my own home in natural light…I cringe. I complain. I feel burdened and sad (a little depressed honestly) and I’ve cried several times when trying to process it aloud with my husband.

I’m getting older. (Duh, Ashley..) and my face is changing. A LOT. It seems kind of drastic to me the difference in appearance I see within it in the past six months even. For SO long I have complained about ‘baggy’ or ‘puffy eyes’ and each day is different than the one before it. And then while researching I had an AHA moment when I found articles on the tear trough region. OMG THAT’S ME. I realized. My under eye is CHANGING. I’m getting OLDER. I guess I’m losing volume in my cheeks?! And I get asked, OFTEN, if I am tired or if I have been crying. (Thanks..) and the answer is NOPE.

This isn’t a post on tear troughs though. It’s one about negative self image and how I am hoping and praying to work through it.

Lately it feels like a lot. It’s easy for me to struggle with obsessive thoughts (add that to the list of Ashley’s worries) and I tend to be having them a lot with negative self-image. Every year that goes by I keep pushing away. Getting older. It’s obvious. Slightly mundane. And it’s inevitable. I blinked and was suddenly in my thirties—and the same will be true for my forties, fifties, sixties, and beyond (if blessed to live that long right?)

Today I asked my husband to pray with me. Our pastor had a GREAT lesson and during our time of communion left this question on the screen, ‘Other than the cross, what trust structures are you looking to for happiness, significance, and security?’ As I prayed, I knew that I have been placing my trust and security in my self-image. I have been feeling as though my WORTH resides there…that I won’t be as likable or lovable if I don’t love what I see in my reflection. Asa prayed with me when we got home and tears rolled down my cheeks. And then I became annoyed as I said, “SEE? I won’t even let myself REALLY cry because I don’t want my eyes to be even PUFFIER!”

It’s what HE shared with me that I think may help you too, my beloved reader. He has been so sweet and assuring, reminding me often that I need to find my faith and hope in something greater than physical appearances. That our (my) self-image should not be the paramount thing leading and giving me direction and purpose in life. I honestly do not in this moment believe I will wake up in the morning and suddenly LOVE what I see. Nor feel super accepting about it. But how will I react, behave, and live my life out even if that’s the case. My GOAL in life is to be Christ’s Ambassador. To LOVE others: people, coworkers, family, friends, acquaintances, to love YOU.

I feel undeserving of so many in my life who love me. Who have put up with my texts and loved me through my insecurities. I’ve dialogued a lot with one of my sister in law’s about life (so of course THIS topic) and one of her texts almost made me cry. I told Asa that between him, her, and others, I should feel like a Princess. And truthfully, I SHOULD. I KNOW that I am loved. I KNOW that when you look at me, you do not SEE what I see. So perhaps after reading this, you can help me hold me accountable. I may need a gentler spirit these days and a few more affirmations, but just stick with me.

I also want to state that I do not believe it is wrong or sinful to want to look good. I really think we all (most?!?) WANT to feel beautiful. But desiring to look good on the outside should not be our stronghold, it should not be greater than our desire to be one with God. I’ve needed a ginormous reality check and believe me, I’ve had one. I don’t think I instantly become more secure after reading affirmations or even praying (often), but my goal is to continue to show up ANYWAY. Love others MORE than I love myself. Love my husband and kids and family and friends and YOU, more than I care about my tear troughs. [Okay, typing that just made me giggle a little. I 100% realize how silly this may sound to you, my tolerant reader.]

If you need a virtual hug, shoot me an email. Let’s connect. I’m here for you and I am so thankful that you are here for me too.

beloved allison

It's been a while since I've written for this series and having launched it in December, it seems surreal to somehow now be in the month of May! Loving and celebrating women is something that I am extremely passionate about, largely because I've realized that with social media especially, we {women} have a tendency to slip quietly behind the scenes and watch what everyone else is doing. We often feel not as important, or less than the world around us. That's why I started this series: The Beloved Woman. Because I want you to read the words of your sisters and know that even though you may not personally know these women, they are with you. They have been through so much of what you have; this is a place to share your voice. Here is where I want my friends and readers to know YOU. Where you are front and center, no longer behind the scenes. Here is where I want you to feel appreciated, noticed, deeply loved: beloved.

I am excited to share a dear friend of mine with you today, Allison Grubbs. I have known her amazing photographer husband, Billy, through word of mouth in Louisville and through Facebook. A while ago I decided that I also needed to know his wife. I had seen some of her posts because Billy would be tagged in them. I saw right away that she was such a strong woman, and that she had a story and testimony that needed to be shared. Allison, now 27, was diagnosed with endometriosis at the age of 22, and it is with such eagerness that I introduce you to this brave sister of mine. 

A little bit about Allison: 

"I am originally from Pennsylvania, but moved to Louisville KY at a young age. Now I live in a quirky 100+ year old home in the Highlands with my husband and our crazy Goldendoodle, Sunday. My husband, Billy Grubbs, is a film photographer and owner of State Film Lab. As for me, I have worked as a hairstylist for 8 years and I just completed my first year of nursing school at Spalding University. I’ll be spending my summer working as a Women’s Health Nurse Extern at Baptist Health Louisville. It’s been a long time coming (like seriously, I’ve been working on my Bachelor’s degree off and on for 6+ years!), but the plan is to graduate in June 2018 with a Bachelor’s in Science and Nursing degree. Upon graduation, I will be continuing on with Baptist Health as an RN, and the goal is to specialize in Women’s Health nursing.

I asked Allison, "When do feel the most beautiful?" I think this can be a challenging question for us ladies to answer, because we fear of coming across vain or narcissistic. But when I ask my sisters this, I mean feeling beautiful inside AND out. I love asking them to figure out when they feel beautiful, without necessarily a reason. It's not always when our hair and makeup is done or we are dressed all fancy for a date, and I loved her response. Allison said,  

"I have come to learn that a person finds their true beauty when they are doing whatever it is that fills them up to their core. So at the risk of sounding complete cliché, I feel most beautiful when I am serving and taking care of others. This was instilled in me at a young age being that my grandmother and great aunt both had Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy. Taking care of someone is all that I have ever know, and it’s the one thing that comes to me so naturally. It’s the thing that fills me up to my core."

Allison has an incredibly humbling story about her journey with endometriosis, and she has such a heart for women and couples who struggle with this. I asked what her heart beats for; her biggest passions and dreams and she said:

"After being diagnosed with Endometriosis at the age of 22 and watching the disease strip me of my own fertility, one of my greatest passions in life is to educate and encourage other women who are silently suffering with diseases like endometriosis and infertility. Since our failed IVF treatment last March, I have been on a year long “break” from trying to conceive, and have been able to redirect my attention away from fertility to instead focus more on my nursing career. If I’m being honest, it has been so nice to step away from it all because it consumed my every thought for years. Of course, Billy and I long for a family. We can envision what our life would look like with a baby, and even though we have had 4 ½ years to process it, I’m sure we will still be totally unprepared, but our hearts will be so, so full."

In one of her recent Instagram posts, Allison shared a piece of heart with one of her miscarriages: 

"04.25.17 marked 3 years since our first miscarriage. 
This locket holds one out of the three mere moments in my life that my body has sustained a life other than my own. That pitiful little sprout that's barely hanging on is from a Forget-Me-Not seed that I planted in remembrance of that tiny soul that left all too quickly. 
I can remember that day so vividly. Every painful contraction, every tear shed. It's a grief stricken memory that I never want to watch fade, because it's likely the most raw and pure emotion-filled moment I will live to see. But now I don't only look back and see my deep chest-caving-in sadness that I griped tightly onto for so long. Instead I see a messy start to a beautifully knitted testimony, one that God intricately pieced together, specifically for me. So for you my little one, I am endlessly thankful."

I have not personally gone through anything like what Allison and Billy have endured, however I am sure many of you reading this have, or know someone who has. I asked her what she would like to encourage you with and she replied: 

"I would tell them that they are not alone in their sufferings. Infertility is the loneliest of places, and it’s so incredibly easy to get wrapped up in your own sadness. You have to sit back and watch everyone around you get what you have been fighting like hell for. You become desperate, frustrated, obsessive, bitter, jealous, and just plain sad. These emotions are completely normal, you have to grieve the fact that you may never be able to conceive the baby that you have spent years longing for, the one who has mommy’s eyes and daddy’s nose. So take time to throw yourself a little pity party, replenish those empty spaces, and move on knowing that God is working tirelessly during your waiting. Let your struggles drive and motivate you, and empower other women to do the same by being brave enough to share your story, and do this utterly unashamed. Stick with it so that you have a story to tell, one about how you managed to overcome your adversities, and how somewhere in between the spaces, you found your full potential to be the beautifully strong woman that God intricately designed you to be."

On Father's Day of last year, Allison had shared this little blurb about Billy, and it just absolutely made me tear up thinking of my own husband, who is a dad of two littles. The strength in her words, and the faith that she holds for her Creator is just really humbling. I'd like to think that I would be as faithful and trusting as she is, and at the same time, I'm a little ashamed to think that I might not be.

"Celebrating this guy on Father's Day and every day! He is beyond supportive in every aspect of my life. He has been there since the beginning...from my endometriosis diagnosis, multiple surgeries and scares, negative tests month after month, heartbreak when we lost our babies, each painful injection for IVF, and the list goes on. He continues to be strong and encouraging for us, and our future family. I am not in this journey alone...he goes through the motions of infertility just like me, and stands tall by my side. Some of the most special fathers are the ones who have to endure losing their babies before they ever get to meet them. He is, and will be, the best father in the world..." 

Sisters and friends, wherever you are reading from, please know that I appreciate you. The love and support you've given towards this blog and my writing, this series, and my work--I am so grateful. If you would like to follow along with Allison's journey, you can find her Instagram account here. She and Billy are in continuous prayer, and I know YOUR prayers and encouragement would mean the world to them. 

Please take a few seconds to comment below and give Allison some love! This woman holds so much love in her heart for SO many people, I really am blessed to know and call her friend. 

A Good Christian Girl Like You

I've been sitting on that phrase for a long time. Do people's words ever ring in your head and just kind of STAY there? I've heard several, heck, one even made a blog post of mine go viral: "A skinny girl like you..." was the winner there. But back to the one that's currently ringing in my mind. 

Around Election Day I attempted to stay neutral in some of my responses as far as social media was concerned. But frankly, the closer it got to casting my ballot, the more passionate I got about really wanting to voice my opinion about Donald Trump. For the first time in my adult life, I felt concerned for our country; worried about what would happen if this man stood in front of our country as THE President Elect. Well, we all know how that turned out and we all know that as far as politics are concerned, our voices are like the wind. We share them for each other, but are they going to change major decisions and outcomes like THE President of the United States? Probably not. 

However, as much as I know how Facebook works and I know that it is a place for our voices TO be heard, I was SHOCKED at some of the responses I received from friends and family on one of my statuses. I mean heaven FORBID I don't vote straight ticket Republican, right? "Ashley, I'm just shocked that a good Christian girl like you would vote this way," I read. 

Hold on. 
Wait. 
Pause. 
Stop. 
WHAT???????? 

Did you know that I didn't SAY who I was voting for publicly, I just made it clear that it wasn't Trump? Let me ask those of you reading this, have you and I ever had a REAL conversation? Have we gone in to deep dialogue about my religious beliefs and political opinions? Do you actually know where I stand on abortion, on gay marriage, on healthcare, on student loans and education...or do you just THINK you know based on my Facebook posts? Did you know that Facebook is not ME? 

 I take pretty pictures. I love to post about my kids, especially so my mom who is six hours away, can see entire albums of what we're up to. I like to stay in touch with friends who have all moved to different states or who live back home. I use Facebook to sell stuff, that's always fun right? Once in a while I'll post a random status or share something of someone's that I could relate to. But you don't know exactly where I stand on worldly issues because of Facebook. Social media is not who I am. And it's not who YOU are. 

 With social media, you can fine tune your individual feeds to see what you want to see, and what you do NOT want to see. Blocking, unfollowing, reporting, unfriending...But, I try to see and hear everyone. Even those who I do not agree with, even those who I don't understand. And I try to avoid publicly shaming my friends and family because at the end of the day, social media is NOT my relationship; it is not WHOM I love.

We are all SO different. I have friends who do yoga, (I don't really care too much about yoga), I have friends who are UBER passionate about essential oils (I LIKE essential oils, but I can't claim to be passionate about them), I have friends who swing one way politically or the other; super Republican or super Democrat, and I'll tell you I don't agree with things from BOTH of those parties. But I still love you because of YOU. I love you BECAUSE you're family, not because I have to agree with you 100% on every single thing that you are passionate about. I love you because you are uniquely and wonderfully created BY my Creator.

 I received a direct message on Instagram relating to one of my stories, a photo of Scrubbing Bubbles. "Don't use that cleaning product! It'll give you cancer!" she said. I almost REALLY quickly replied, "EVERYTHING CAUSES CANCER, don't scold me for the choices that I make for myself and my family," and then I immediately deleted it. That's what social media is, right? A place to voice our opinion, to share the things we are passionate about, to make each other laugh, to use our words and to document our lives. But can't we think before we scold? I mean really, did she think that I would just immediately stop using Scrubbing Bubbles because of a direct message? I don't know, perhaps so. But if you know me, then you know I'm not the type of person to live in fear of cleaning products, foods, beverages, and just lifestyle things in general. Someone once told me that milk caused cancer. Really and truly, HOW are we supposed to live with all the warning labels that exist?! My husband and I eat healthy, we try to also ensure the same for our children, and ultimately, we're doing the best that we can. Aren't we all? 

My friend Hannah shared a photo to Facebook recently and with it, captioned this: "...What a beautiful opportunity we have to love others with our words. To have our hearts in a place of worship, so that from our heart flows words of appreciation and thankfulness, that in turn, build others up. What a beautiful place our communities could be, with the help of carefully thought out and graciously delivered words." 

Y'all. You do not know my entire values or beliefs from Facebook. And I don't know yours. If you'd LIKE to have a conversation about mine sometime, hey, let's actually talk. I don't think I could meet every single one of you for coffee or dinner, but I'm happy to get to know you. And if there's something that you think I should change or do, start with a gentle tone, not authoritative. I may not agree with you on your political or religious beliefs, but I promise to still love you. And that's not just because I'm a good Christian girl, it's because my parents raised me well and I believe in the good of this world. 

beloved lisa

Some of you are going to be coming to this post wondering, 'what is the beloved woman series?' So before we dive in, let me tell you a little about it.

In an interview once, a woman asked me, "What do you wish you could tell childhood Ashley?" It was a question that really stumped me. I felt flustered and nervous and like I could probably tell little kid Ashley a million different helpful things, but spilling out of my mouth was this:

"I would tell her to live loved."

Not a very common phrase, it's one that I discovered in Lysa TerKeurst's book Uninvited a few months ago. Both her and Lara Casey have written about it, seeking to empower women to live their lives knowing and embracing that they are loved. WE, are loved. You. And me. By so many different souls--Our Creator, who knew the hairs on our heads before we were born, and beyond; to the husbands we are wives to, the children we are mothers to, the brothers and sisters, the parents we were born to, and the friends that we cling to. But knowing that we are loved, and actually believing it, are two separate things. I know that I am loved by my husband. I know that my kids adore me and beg each night for it to be my turn to put them each down. I know my parents love me, my brothers, my friends. But do I believe this to my core, to the point that I don't doubt my beloved strengths? I'm afraid not. And I am guessing you may need some help here too.

Sisters, you are beloved. And I long to help you believe this truth. I want to know you better, to encourage you, to wrap my arms around you, to challenge you to think deeper about yourselves; so that in turn, soon, YOU will feel the love. It is my great honor to introduce you to this month's beloved lady: Lisa Diederich. She is an artist, a creative, a photographer, traveler, daughter, fiance, and a beautiful friend to SO many. This lady dreams BIG, and I'm so excited for you to see a glimpse of her story.

I have been a big fan of Lisa through social media and really, her photography, for a long time. She has always been a woman that I thought, "Gosh I'd love to meet her!" as I scrolled through her gorgeous photos. When I learned that she didn't actually live far from me, I reached out to her. I'm incredibly thankful that she was willing to let me spend a morning with her, drinking two delicious cups of coffee, cuddling her dog Toby, and chatting on her crazy comfortable couch. It's always fun when you meet someone and instantly just feel at home.

I asked her to share a bit of her background with y'all, where she's from and what life looks like, and here's what she said:
Hi Ashley! Thank you so much for including me on your amazing blog. I'm so excited to follow along with you and other women on this platform! As for me, I'm a professional photographer and just moved to Nashville, TN. I grew up in Indiana and then moved to Sydney, Australia where I lived for 5 years with my fiancé, Sam. I also started my photography business there and I have been photographing weddings, families, brands and campaigns all over the world since then. 

She told me about some of her travels and what living in Australia looked like and I just stood in awe. As a dreamer of photographing weddings in bad ass locations like the ones she has, I know that I have a lot to learn from women [and artists] like Lisa!

"If you could sit in an empty room, with 1 other chair, and have a cup of coffee with 18 year old Lisa, what is something you wish you could tell her?" I asked.

Anything worth doing is going to be difficult.

 I couldn't agree with that more, friends. It hasn't been the easy things in my life that have been the most meaningful, the most valued. And something that I have realized personally as a photographer and woman period, is that we are so hard on ourselves. We are crazy talented, have so many unique strengths, we are beautiful, but yet, we struggle sometimes, don't we? So I proceeded...

"Sometimes loving ourselves as women can be difficult. Is there anything you struggle with that you wish you could help other women know and believe about themselves? 

I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with creative work. I feel so fulfilled by photography and I'm really proud of my business and work. But I know that I can't just settle there forever! I have to push myself to be better - to critique my work, challenge my own decisions and learn new things. Stepping out of that creative comfort zone and risking failure can be scary and sometimes disheartening. But in the end, that's what makes me grow as a person and a photographer.

These days, incredible talent and inspiring people surround us. It's an amazing motivator, but it can also be crippling when you compare yourself to others. I think it's something we all struggle with (especially in this world of social media) but I try to see comparison and competition as friendly fuel. Some days it's easier than others, but it's always the goal.

"Is there anything you'd want to share about a piece of childhood that shaped you into the woman you are today? As a photographer, what inspired this?"

I was a competitive gymnast from the age of six until I was 18 (and I also did four sports in High School). It was completely crazy, but I loved it! That was such a huge part of my life growing up and I can see so many ways it influenced me. I'm self-motivated; super goal-oriented and I love a challenge. But I'm also a perfectionist and fiercely competitive. It's a blessing and a curse J

I love hearing the things that excite others! The joys and dreams that make them bubble over with excitement. Lisa and I talked about this some and she shared that she feels most thrilled over change and challenge.

 I feel excited and most alive when I’m dreaming of my next adventure. Whether that’s in my business, my travels or my personal life, it’s thrilling to think of what’s next! When I moved to Sydney, it was a scary, but exciting change. I left my friends and family and comforts behind and moved overseas with just two suitcases. For a moment, it felt like I was giving everything up, but I was really gaining so much more. I found a true partner in Sam, joined a second family, met some of my now closest friends and changed my life forever. I’ve carried that lesson with me and try to collect people, passions and experiences as I go through life.

"When do you feel the most loved and/or most beautiful?" I wanted to know. Because really, sisters, this is usually something we really have to think about. I don't mean surface beauty, but hey, if you really love your eyes or legs or arms, there's no shame in celebrating that! I want to know when you as women feel and really TRUST that you are both loved and beautiful. Lisa's response was really wonderful:

I feel so loved by my family and friends. They are endlessly supportive of me - whether I'm moving 9,000 miles away to another country or starting my own photography business, they have always had unwavering faith in me and encouraged me to follow my dreams every step of the way. I don't think I've ever thought about being 'beautiful'...it just doesn't cross my mind! But I often think about being happy and fulfilled. Sometimes it's during a shoot or a wedding; when the light is perfect and I'm completely in the zone - capturing those pure moments of joy & emotion. At other times, it's just being curled up on the couch with my fiancé, our dog and a movie. 

If you haven't yet checked out Lisa via Instagram or her website, I really think you need to. Her sense of style and design completely inspires me, and she's a gal worth knowing for sure. If there was something inspirational in this post, comment below and give Lisa some love, would you?

And friends, I really want this series to spread. I mean REALLY spread. Empowering women is something I am so passionate about; celebrating the diverse and beautifully unique ladies around us. I wish I could feature hundreds of you! Feel free to nominate your own Beloved Woman by e-mailing me or through the contact here on my website. Who do you look up to? Whose story do you want the world to see and hear?

As always, thank you for reading! Whether you stopped by because you saw it on Instagram or other social media, or you just happened to land here, I'm so grateful! I hope you'll stay a while and know that YOU are BELOVED!