One Day at a Time: Goals for the Year Ahead

Last year's Reflection post [what I'm calling it anyway] covered a lot of things--how good 2016 was, how many blessings arose, and the ways in which God wowed my socks off. "Look at all the GOOD things God did in our lives this last year," I had written. "And yes, I'm saying this firmly to myself. All of those things do not mean that 2017 is going to go KERPLUNK. I don't need to have ANY answers right now, all I need to do is to take one day at a time. Starting Tuesday, in just two short days, I will literally be a stay at home mom and working from home. That's a HUGE dream turning into a reality!"

2016 consisted of a crap ton of hustle in order to fulfill that dream (staying home) and then guess what, 2017 was spent with me being home with our kids and really not working at ALL. I look back, however, and think that's just how God wanted it. I had dreamt of doing crafts and baking and going to parks with our Pierson and Reese before he started kindergarten. In order to do that, I photographed 8 weddings the year prior, took every paid partnership I could get my hands on, and basically booked every possible photo session. We saved every cent and I worked 6-7 days a week. I thank God OFTEN that the prayer was heard and answered and that for almost eight months (summer vacation included in that) I was "just" Mom.

It was a different kind of hustle and one that didn't exactly bring IN money. 

Thank the Lord for His provision, friends. Here were my questions walking into 2017: 

Will I be a good stay at home mom?
Will the kids like it? Will I like it? Will I be strong enough?
Will I be able to book a lot more weddings?
Will I be able to take this blog further? (What does that even mean?!)
Will I ever have another beautiful home NOT in our current neighborhood?
Will I ever live on land?
Will I have a horse?
Will I go back to teaching? Will I teach forever? Will we stay in Kentucky forever?

If you've followed along with me, many of you know how those questions panned out. I think back very fondly on my time home with the kids and being a 'stay at home mom.' The kids too have fun memories and tell me often that they loved reading Bible stories and doing crafts and learning about school. Some days I didn't LIKE it; [once I even threatened that I was going back to work if they didn't knock it off] or something super-rational and Mom of the Year statement worthy. But in hindsight, I loved it. 

I shot three weddings last year. All three blessed my socks off but one left me with a little sting and a little hurt; communication wasn't the greatest with that one and I walked away incredibly bummed that they didn't want me to blog their special day due to privacy. Lots of things learned though in that regard, and realized some tweaks I need to add to my photography business! 

We DID move to another beautiful home, NOT on land, but just one mile to my new favorite horse who I get to visit as often as I want. Well, not as often as I want because that would be 24/7 and ya know, mom life, work life, wife life and such... but still--HUGE blessing! 

I DID go back to teaching, and halfway through the school year here I am wondering, "What am I doing with my life?!" Ha! My heart is with my children, and though they are in school (kindergarten and full-time preschool), I just want to be here. As I type our son is spiking yet another fever. He had one for FIVE days the first week of December and missed five days of school! He just went back to school TODAY from Christmas break and I'm like, dude. All the stress of "whose turn is it to stay home?" and "great, this means Reese will be next." I miss last year when that was never an issue because I knew my husband would go to work and I'd be home anyway...

I wonder what's out there--if I WILL teach forever, or if God will expand my photography and blog tenfold. I think the next best step would be for me to somehow teach part-time and that's probably a more realistic goal; I'm just not sure if even that can happen? There's a lot of factors to consider: student loan debt, new house payment, if I get a horse this year [what?!?! Yes, that's the dream but hasn't it always been? Ha ha]. Benefits and health insurance. Retirement. Life in general because let's face it, extra spending money is WAY more fun... 

Let's go back to the new house though, can we? So many blessings have surrounded this home, and honestly, mostly thanks TO my photography and blogging business. (Being able to offer high-resolution images, blog posts, and other social media benefits for companies). I did a lot of research about what brands I wanted to work with, and the types of things we wanted here. We quickly learned that our style is more of an industrial/rustic/farmhouse one, and are having SO much fun designing rooms and spaces around that. It was SO fun working with Havertys Furniture to help us plan and furnish the living room--the main space where we bring people to gather (other than our giant dining room table). Definitely add that to 2017's TOP praise and to my favorite partnership list.

So, now what? 

Lord help, because I have no idea, Y'all. I felt as if last year God was telling me to BELIEVE, and there were a LOT of moments when I needed to be reminded of that. I mean I literally wrote a post called, "Are You There God? It's Me, Ashley," because I was struggling to believe he had this home destined for us. Within that, I said, "It's not that I'm suddenly denouncing God or walking away from my faith," I said. "I am just in a season of struggling to find hope." But ultimately I did believe because He continued to show His face through the pain and through the questions that I had. 

We are three days in and 2018 already has me wondering. 

Asa's car broke down on the way to his job yesterday, the first day back TO work after our break. I came home to dog poo in our bedroom for the umpteenth time because we have senior dogs and one of them in particular [ahem, Humphrey, ahem] has questionable intestines. Our cat Manny [my favorite] was let out (pretty much like normal) and then proceeded to be gone for like 15 hours in subzero temperatures. Me being super-rational, proclaimed him dead and gone on my way to work this morning, positive I would never see him again. *Side note/praise: our awesome neighbor went looking and together she and another neighbor noticed him on our back deck while we were at work. One of them proceeded to quietly enter our backyard, grab him, and she kept him safe in her house the entire day while we were at work.* Pierson is more than likely going to end up with another virus/bug this winter which all sorts of bums me out. I just want him to be WELL and to be able to enjoy kindergarten and not miss a million days! 

I seriously wrote this sentence last year: "But wait, Ashley. One day at a time."

And I think that's what I hear Him telling me again. 

One day at a time. My sweet friend Sarah recently told me, "2018 is going to be your year, Girl. I just know it." And for whatever reason, I feel more hopeful than not that it is. What's that mean? Psh, I don't know. But I think regardless it will be good. 

Instead of making to-do and checklists, here are a few things I want to work towards this year: 

-Experience more, worry less. 
-Be more intentional in every aspect: husband, kids, community
-Love our people, always. 
-More grace, less shame. 
-More strength, more rest, more joy. 
-More faith, less doubt. 
-And dream, always. 

Crashes, Chaos, and Finding Grace

It's Friday. Which means we've successfully completed our week and now we excitedly prepare for the weekend. And it also means that we are pretty tired, somewhat cranky, and we are irritable with each other because well, it's been a long five days. The morning was pretty stressful but I wanted to make it fun. I attempted to make a model solar system with my son, but most of our Play-Doh was dried out and he was frustrated. He wanted the exact colors that the planets actually are, but it's been like ten years since they've played with Play-Doh, so we were out of luck. My daughter threw lots of tantrums because she wanted to do things her way, and her way only. Like when she asked me to draw a sun, but I didn't draw it the way she wanted, so she huffed and puffed and yelled at me. I've been having to take lots of deep breaths while talking to her because my tendency is NOT to be a patient and quiet mom; it's quite the opposite--I can get loud and mean REAL quick.

It's not something I'm proud of, but this space is for truth, not fluff. And today you're getting truth.

I was doing pretty good in the daughter department and my son mentioned that the sun was shining. YES, it was! And the temps were already in the fifties. So the kids wanted to take their bikes to the park AND go to the playground... which is so fricken hard for me by myself. Because I have a guilt complex if we don't take our giant dogs, we always DO take our giant dogs. So it's me with two giant dogs, two tiny children, two hard-to-hold bikes with training wheels, and a busy street that needs to be crossed. Safely.

But I put a smile on my face and said, "Okay, let's do it." We all headed out the back door, locked doors and fences behind us, and got to the end of the sidewalk to cross. And then our indoor/outdoor grey cat Manny decided that he too wanted to follow us across said busy street. No way, Jose. He's not dying on my watch, and he never crosses the street [except the handful of times he HAS followed us to the park] and today I wasn't allowing it. So I spun back around, tripped over the dogs while turning, and yelled for the kids to stay put. I picked Manny up and tossed him in the back yard, hurried back to the sidewalk, and set out for attempt #2 of crossing the busy street.

Once there, I took a deep breathe and put my shoulders back. The sun felt so good on my face and the kids were laughing and talking. "Stay together!" I shouted. They're usually good about this, and they're usually good about turning around to check where I'm at. What mom wants her 3 or 4-year old to get halfway around the park without her? Not me. But today, for whatever reason, my son decided to forget all of our park rules and he took off, leaving his sister and I in the dust. He wasn't just going fast, it's like his legs got fifty times stronger over night and he was actually FLYING down the sidewalk, without us.

I yelled his name, a normal yell at first. And then I screamed his name. "PIERSON CLIVE!!!!!! STOP! PIERSON!" Reese stopped, and was super concerned because her brother wasn't listening or slowing down even the slightest bit. Of course I started sprinting with the dogs, and my daughter who straight up abandoned her bike in the middle of the sidewalk, and I seriously felt like I was NOT going to catch up with my son. And then he wiped out. He had turned slightly, and I watched as in slow motion he crashed to the left side of the bike. His shoe had came off and was stuck in the pedal, giant tears were streaming down his face and his sobs were echoing through the park. I was so angry, SO livid, that I had just screamed bloody murder for him to stop and wait, and he hadn't. But he also just wiped out, so how could I scold him? felt my blood boiling, my heart pounding through my chest, and tears welling in my own eyes.

How did this happen? How did we get here? This was going to be a GOOD morning, a happy trip to the park, and we were going to enjoy the sunshine together.

It was a long forty minute park trip, y'all. I told Pierson to sit on a giant rock and wait for the dogs, me, and Reese to go BACK and get her deserted bike, and I heard his loud cries as I ran. Reese was repeating how bad it was that Pierson didn't listen and how he was "bad, bad, bad, Mom, he was just BAD, he did not LISTEN." I tried to patiently explain to her as we ran that he wasn't bad, that he must have just forgotten and yes, she and he do need to stay WITH Mama wherever we are. When I got back to my boy, I squatted down to his level. Previously I had been very stern as I gripped his shoulders and told him that I was very unhappy with him and this situation. This time, I told him how frustrating it was that he did not listen, and how unsafe it was to just take off without a parent. "I was worried, Pierson, and then I got angry. Mama is still not happy, Buddy, but your sister wants to play at the playground. So can you please slow down and listen, and we can all try to have fun? And can you also forgive me for getting so mad?" He quietly said, 'Yes, Mom,' and I brushed the bits of rock off his hands. Together the two of them got on their bikes, rode right beside me, and the dogs happily trotted along.

So today I'm just reflecting, and I'm letting it all sink in that yes, it's been a very long week. And yes, I am in need of a LOT of grace. 

 Tuesday I took Reese to Broadway's Little Mermaid and that was also fricken hard. A 3-year old being quiet and still for that long of a show is well, kind of silly. We did make it through the whole show [by the grace of God] but even there, I had a short fuse, was super anxious, and didn't know how I'd make it back home in one piece. When I got home, (at 10:30 at night, only three hours past bedtime), Pierson hadn't wanted to go to bed without me. And all I had wanted was some quiet with my husband, pajamas, and the couch.

Last night I had a hair appointment and was so excited to get my hair done. Until she told me that I did indeed have grey hair [10% by her calculation] because I've been joking about it the past year. I don't know about you, but I guess I'm too vain for this to NOT be a big deal for me. I'm 29 next month, so what the CRAP? And when I got home, my son had wiped out playing with a toy and nailed his head on the bricks over our old fireplace. He was lying on my husband's lap, blood being maintained under pressure, and I had a flashback to when our daughter needed a trip to the ER and stitches.

See? Long week.

This is for all you moms and parents who may have also had a long week. For those of you who doubt your abilities, your strength, your calling. Staying home has been a blessing, and it's also been a huge challenge. And I learned a few things today:

-Don't take the dogs when your hands are so full. They will BE okay.
-Or, maybe tell the kids that we can walk, and we'll do bikes when Daddy gets home.
-Refresh the kids on mom's park rules and expectations before going, because clearly, sometimes they forget.
-And when the moment is over, hug your babies, wipe their faces, and tell them how much you absolutely love them. Because they also need to hear that reminder too.

Thank God that when we got home, we were able to make our lunches, tickle each other, and laugh hysterically with each other. I opened the windows, turned off the heat, and lit some candles. And now I think I'll go brew some coffee and spend some time with Jesus, because I need to hear His reminders and expectations TOO.

Happy Friday, Friends. You are good, you are worthy, and you are loved. Even and especially when you forget.

At the End of Your Worst Day

As time has gone by, refusing to slow down, as it insists, there are a lot of memories swirling inside this twenty-eight year old brain. I could tell you a few from childhood; like when I 'ran away to my Grandma's house' because I was so upset and angry. Or the time I sprinted down our dirt road insisting that I would 'never go back,' because I didn't want to accept that our very old border collie wouldn't be coming back. I can remember some pretty painful experiences from break-ups, lies I had told, mistakes I had made, and friendships that went sourly awry. But as I've grown and aged, it's almost as if those things at this point seem silly--minuet, tiny, not so large in the grand scheme of things. 

As adults, we most often remember and dwell upon the 'worst day' in these present years. I won't ever forget mine, and I'm 100% sure that no matter how big or small, YOU can remember yours. Though it was years ago, it's also practically yesterday. The night out that I had, the very split second that I allowed another man to bump his way into my mind and heart... when the bomb went off, the sirens exploded, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. In that instant, when my brain screamed, "Ashley! This is NOT okay!! What are you going to tell your husband?!" 

For months after the emotional garbage that took place, I was a panicked wreck. Comparing myself to other women, even women on TV shows, swearing at myself and snarling, "They would never do this. Not in a million years. NO woman has ever screwed up like this." You see... growing up I was convinced that women don't screw up. Men do. Women don't think about leaving their marriages, running the other way, being with someone else--MEN do. The wives, the mothers; no, never. Not in a hundred years, or a million. It has to be the husband who causes havoc. 

Except that's NOT true. Not even a little bit. Did you know that females can screw up too? Some of you know my story, our story. You may be wondering from this post, 'What in the WORLD happened?' No, I didn't ever physically cheat on my husband. I didn't even ever come close. But the day some other guy told me that I 'looked cute,' was the day that I started to slide very fast down the relationship avalanche. When I started to care about my appearance, and not for the man that I took vows with. When I started to wonder, 'Did I get married too young? What would it be like if I just left?'

You see, friends? I REMEMBER MY WORST DAY. 

And while recently listening to Bob Goff speak at church (how blessed am I!?!) I was reminded of this perfectly refreshing truth:

"Even in your worst moment, when God looks at you, he whispers, Beloved."

'Who ARE you?' Bob asked. And the answer is this: Yes, I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a teacher, photographer, blogger, and whatever else. But most importantly, I am a daughter of GOD. And I am His beloved. At the end of my WORST day, He was still whispering, "Ashley, you are my BELOVED. Will you please accept and embrace this?" 

I also want to mention that at the end of this worst day, my husband stared deep in to my eyes and said, "Ashley, I will be here tomorrow when you wake up. I choose YOU." Honestly it was so hard for me to hear that; I felt guilty and worthless, useless, and like a screw-up. But that wasn't because anyone who genuinely loved me was making me feel that way--that was because I couldn't quite yet hear the powerful truth and message that my Creator was speaking through the man I married.

Do you have a 'worst day?' Maybe yours isn't as severe or emotional as mine. Honest to God I hope and pray that I never have to endure something as painful as this [as does my husband!], but I know I will continue to have bad days as the years proceed. And maybe you think your worst day is so much worse... Sisters, Friends; I sit here behind this screen and am praying for your heart + soul. May you hear His voice tonight, may you know the Truth that you are worthy. You are beautiful, radiant, valued, worthy, and beloved. Sinner? Yes. Absolutely, because we all are. No matter our fight and chase to the Cross, we STILL screw up. But He is always there, and always waiting. Ready to pick you up, catch you, embrace you, and love you. And, who is there calling you Beloved at the end of your worst day? 

**Whoever you are, wherever you are--may you know that I will pray for you. Send me an e-mail or just simply post a comment that you are ____ and that you need some extra prayer. Thank you for reading, and thank God for His grace; right?!**

Photo by: Jana Glass