When Your Baby Turns 5: A Letter to My Boy

"Nonsense. Young boys should never be sent to bed. They always wake up a day older, and then before you know it, they're grown." -J.M. Barrie

Surely it was yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital. Father's Day 2012 to be exact. In your little lion knit hat, a lion embroidered onesie, your dad and I drove away from the hospital and we knew it then--we were setting out on the biggest adventure of our life. But wait, sweet boy, the reality is that actually, now you are turning five. And as much as I hold tightly to the memory of you as a newborn, the truth is, you haven't been one for quite a while. That summer was a magical one. The three of us tucked inside our well air conditioned home, the dogs gently licking you from time to time, the cats curious but content; it was the summer of lazy days, long naps, and cuddling on the couch whenever we wanted to. We didn't have a care in the world, and I can't remember a more simple season than that one. 

It all changed of course once your sister was born. You were a mere fifteen months old, just a baby yourself in my eyes. I remember when you ran in to the hospital room with your Gg, you were so excited. You wore a 'Big Brother' shirt and I snapped some very blurry shots of you loving on your new sis. You of course won't remember a day without her, and while I think I barely will either--I do cherish the times it was just you and me. I love her, of course! But the first fourteen months of your life was just all about YOU. Watching you learn to sit, crawl, walk, run, your first time in a pool, you meeting 100-year old Gram, your first foods, sickness, teeth. Gosh, now it is a blur but at the same time, it feels like a movie reel replaying in my head and heart constantly. Nothing was wrong at all once we were gifted with our Reese, but suddenly you had became bigger, and when we brought her home, I realized how having my second baby made my first, you, seem so grown.

In Shauna Niequist's devotional, Savor, which I received on Mother's Day of this year, the first devotional for me to read was May 13th's and she said this about her son: 

"I see flashes of Henry's future face all the time in him...and because he's on the tight rope walk of little boy and big boy. Yesterday at his kindergarten screening I saw both of them--the little boy and the big--in alternating moments. He was shy and proud; he was uncertain and full of swagger. He was little and he was big, right in the same day, in the same moments."

Hello, tears. Pierson Clive, I see in you daily, the little and the big. You are brave and strong, yet you want your mama close by often. When you trip and fall and the tears stream down your face, I scoop you up and embrace you in my arms. Your long legs spill over mine and I fear the day that you will be too big to sit in my lap. (Some days I wonder why God couldn't have created me to be taller JUST so you'd seem little a tad longer?)  I've had to press pause while writing this over the past several weeks, yes, weeks. I can't seem to find the time to sit and consistently type longer than a few minutes or so, and honestly as I write, I just can't stop crying. I'm currently wondering if other moms my age ever experience this, what I'm feeling. I am so proud of you, yet at the same time, it feels as if my heart is literally breaking as I know you are hitting a gigantic milestone, and getting so very big. 

Currently we are on vacation in Gulfport, Mississippi. We drove ten hours to stay at the beach for a week, and it has been the most amazing thing watching you swim in the ocean, diving head first in to the shallow waves, being an awesome big brother to your little sis. While walking back to our hotel, we all witnessed a car blow out two tires and come to a skidding stop on the shoulder across the street. It was pretty traumatic for both you and Reese, and while your dad walked over to help the frazzled driver, you asked me to pray aloud and ask Jesus to help the man be okay. You guys wouldn't stop talking about it, even though I tried to reassure you that everything was okay. "I just need to go to a quiet place when we get back to the hotel, Mom. I just need to talk to Jesus alone and ask Him for help." Sure enough, the three of us walked into our room and you put your shoes away, quietly shut the bathroom door, and I listened with my ear against the door to hear your sweet voice speaking to Jesus. You prayed so sincerely, confident that Jesus would help this man. Your dad and I could not be more proud of the boy you are; one who runs to your Creator when you are frightened, one who believes that He can fix all things. 

Your little and your big, I can see both. Your childlike innocence and faith, I have watched it grow exponentially and am in awe of you.

I have to remind myself that you are turning five, not fifteen, and absolutely not twenty-five. We have a long journey to walk together, many more memories and moments while you are yes, still little. You aren't a baby anymore and you're not a toddler; I think now you're officially a KID. Somehow five years have come and gone. The little lion baby that we brought home from the hospital has turned into a child who loves to draw, color, write, and read. Your small hands love to create and your heart loves to love. You tell me all the time that you love everyone, and that you can feel your heart getting bigger because it just loves "so many people." You remind me a lot of childhood me, Pierson; if you can't tell, I feel things so very deeply and it's very evident that you do too. 

I pray that with your feelings, I can help you sort through them with strength and stability. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with love for you kids that I think surely I'll pool up and melt right into the ground, but I'm not sure that's exactly rational. I hope that you continue to chase and rest in Jesus and that when I let you down and disappoint you, you'll be able to feel His arms. Pierson, thank you for being my boy. My first born. The child who first made me a mama. The one who always wants me, who wraps his arms around me, who tells me that he loves it when I wear dresses. Thank you for being mine.

Here's to five [and many more!] years, Buddy. These five went by so quickly, and if you remember them at all, I pray you'll remember how loved you are. You're my big little guy, P Man. And I love you to the moon and back. 

Love, 

Mama.

Are You There God? It's Me, Ashley

I haven't been to the gym in like, a decade. After running the Mini Marathon I decided that I needed a break. Sooooo, except for the few occasional outdoor runs I've done, I've pretty much done absolutely nothing workout wise. When my friend Liz invited me to go this morning, I said yes. Mainly because I missed her and we desperately needed to catch up, and also because it was a perfect chance to get my daughter out of the house to play with some friends her age [my son was spending the morning with a cousin.] As we 'briskly walked,' as we like to call it, I confided in Liz my frustrations spiritually in this season.  

"It's not that I'm suddenly denouncing God or walking away from my faith," I said. "I am just in a season of struggling to find hope." We went on to talk and I told her that I just didn't get why MANY things were happening. Like my oldest brother who has severe special needs for instance. He suffers, SO MUCH. He has colitis and osteoporosis and a motility disorder, and really, the list could go on. But why? For what? It's so hard sometimes to believe the good in a Heavenly Father when you witness the most innocent man on the planet suffering; it just is. And then the five acre horse farm that we put on offer on, that we didn't get. That night I sat in our backyard, told my husband I needed to be alone, told my mother I couldn't talk on the phone because I wanted to be alone, and I just sobbed to God. When I can't talk to those two people, you know I'm not in a good place.

"It sounds like you're living the Judy Blume book, Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret," Liz said. I laughed and said, "OH my word, you nailed it!!" 

Tuesday of this week a photographer came and took pictures of our house for the future sale listing. Wednesday late afternoon, the listing went live and within a few minutes, our first showing was scheduled. Wednesday MORNING, as tears fell down my cheeks the second my feet touched the ground, I prayed this: 

"God, I'm not really happy with you right now. I don't believe that you care where we end up. I don't have a lot of trust in you. I don't have much hope. But if you could make something cool happen today? That would be great." 

Here's how it looks getting ready to show our house: 

-Quickly bake chocolate chip cookies
-Set out the printed letter(s) to prospective buyers, as well as the renovation sheet
-Sprint to make sure all the rooms are in excellent order and trashes are taken out
-Put a bowl of water outside, push the black cat Sammy outdoors
-Put the orange cat, Alfie, in cat carrier to take with us
-Load the dogs in the car and drop off in one of the siblings' fenced backyards
-Load the kids and Alfie in the car, and be gone for however long

I took an Instagram story video yesterday of the litter box on my lap, Alfie sandwiched between the kids, and the dogs panting, Humphrey barking in the trunk. "I hope our house sells quickly," I said. 

We returned home, saw that most of the cookies had been eaten, and there was a note that said, "Thank you so much, your house is BEAUTIFUL." No sooner did our shoes come off was our realtor calling my husband. We both thought that for sure if it was an offer, it would be below our asking price of $175. I heard Asa laugh and say, "Wow, before I just tell you yes, I know that I still need to talk this over with Ashley." Um, what? Duh you have to talk to me! 

We had just been given an over our asking price offer. They were approved for a conventional loan, said that they loved the house exactly as it is, and were flexible (July 31st) with a close date. They wanted an answer by 10pm last night. If you follow me on Instagram or are friends with me on Facebook, you've already seen what we decided: a big giant YES! 

No more house showings? No more stress or trying to keep the house in perfect show ready condition? No more animals being shuttled, no more drop of the hat living? YES! I knew that I needed to thank God, because very clearly, this was a God given offer. I believe that He was so generous that when I had asked him that morning to 'do something cool,' He responded with, "Okay, Daughter. Here." I mean, who sells their house after ONE showing, to the first family who walks in the door?? US, that's who! 

 I am grateful, and I believe that was a God ordained gift. Except I can't lie to you. I am still having a hard time trusting the next steps. Does He CARE where we end up? Does it matter to HIM which house we end up in? What part of town? Does He care that I want a horse; that my heart LONGS for a horse? Wasn't it Him who created me with my desires, with these dreams? I have to believe yes. Even though it's hard.

My sweet sister-in-law Ali in Rhode Island texted me yesterday and I have to share her words when I explained to her my loss of hope: 

"There is Biblical evidence that God can and DOES order the most specific, tiny details of our lives. Not to mention the flowers dressed beautifully or the sparrows that He knows. He is looking out for you guys. Even when, especially when, it hurts." 

Guys, I am SO super thankful to Jesus for selling our home within HOURS of it being on the market. I think that is a miracle that HE performed, that HE orchestrated. But I hope you can still understand that there's a big giant part of me over here, curled up in this home of mine with my arms stretched high and I'm asking,          

 "Are You There, God? It's ME, Ashley."  

Where will we go? We aren't sure just yet. I guess you'll have to stay tuned ;) 

Vacationing On the Gulf: Our Summer Kickoff

Last summer, Asa and I planned a trip to Gulfport, Mississippi WITHOUT the kids and looking back, I am completely shocked that it happened. Between the kids' strep throat, fevers, and body rashes; not to mention the MULTIPLE people left in charge switching shifts to care for them, well, I'm in awe. [To the other Glass Family, we completely still owe you for all you did for us that week!!! Holy goodness we are forever grateful!!!] 

Anyway, one of my dear friends Chelcey, hooked us up in a Courtyard Hotel because she has family ties here, and it was everything we needed, and more. A suite with great air conditioning, a giant pool outside, and amazingly friendly staff--not to mention the OCEAN being directly across the street. We had such a sweet time that we knew we'd bring our kids back, if we could. Lo and behold, arrangements were made for this summer, and we've had this trip on the books for months. We drove ten hours from Louisville all the way here, with only two very short stops. Pierson (turns 5 in two weeks) and Reese (3.5) are constantly amazing me with their travel skills!!! Minimal complaining, several naps, good lunches, and lots of movies--we made it! 

So, how's it been? 

It's been GREAT. We stayed in another suite, with two adjoining rooms, and we brought a queen sized air mattress for Reese. Pierson used the pull-out sofa for his bed, and they slept side by side every night. Between hours spent at the pool and beach, our littles one took amazing two hour plus naps EVERY day. Sunshine + water = the BEST nap equation. 

The first night, we walked on over to Shaggy's Restaurant, one of our favorites from last summer because of the atmosphere. It has an amazing deck and patio, and you can hear the waves crashing on the beach right across from you as you eat. Two of our other dinners were spent at Tony's Brick Oven Pizzeria, where the kids were given fresh dough to play with; and Asa and I indulged in freshly cooked pizza and/or pasta. It's definitely our favorite FOOD of the trip, but we love both restaurants. One night we ordered Dominos Pizza to the room and sat in bed in our pajamas, watching a movie and completely vegging out. Figuring out food in a room with no kitchen was a little tricky, but it all completely worked out. Their breakfasts and lunches we were able to do in the room, and of course, all the snacks galore. 

Gulfport is a quiet town, recovering from 2005's Hurricane Katrina. MOST of the town was completely demolished by that storm, including over 40 libraries, and so many other businesses. There are a lot of spaces for sale, that have been empty for SO long. Asa and I daydream about buying one of the newly built craftsman homes here and using it as a vacation rental. With restaurants within walking distance, and our kids being able TO walk the distance, it's been such a fun trip for all of us. I never would have fathomed that our 3 and 4-year old would do SO well being in a brand new place, ten hours from home, sleeping well, and staying in good spirits, but I guess that goes to show you how clueless I am? 

We aren't in another country or traveling around Europe, but we're doing just fine exploring what we have in the U.S and I think we're enjoying every minute! North and South Carolinas this past spring, Michigan often, and now Mississippi as a family--how cool is that?? 

Anyway, here are a few of my favorite pictures. I actually didn't take that many, (I know, you're scoffing), and only used my camera a couple days out of the trip. I had wanted to take *so* many more, but it did rain, a LOT, so I'm in love with what we did get :) I also didn't wash my hair like, the entire time, and now I'm convinced I just need to live on or close to an ocean soooooooo. 

Precious Keepsakes from Lisa Leonard's Jewelry

Every year for Christmas or our anniversary, my husband has asked, "Would you like any jewelry?" Up until now (the past month), I just haven't seen anything that I thought I would consistently wear. I am not what I would call an 'accessory gal,' or someone who wears bracelets or earrings, etc. That all changed when I discovered Lisa Leonard and her BEAUTIFUL shop. 

It didn't hurt that I saw a bunch of these beauties floating around my Instagram feed, and when I saw her sterling silver stacked rings, I knew those were it. Hand molded and customizable, they are honest to goodness my favorite accessories that I've worn in YEARS, besides my wedding ring. 

These rings can be customized with words or a short phrase, and they can be stacked for a modern and chic accessorized look. I love having Pierson and Reese's name right on my fingers; every time I look down to type or write, I see them, and I think they're the most heart-felt jewelry a mama could wear. 

I actually received these rings right around Mother's Day, and they meant (and will forever mean) SO much to me. What is it about Motherhood that sometimes makes us mamas so emotional? When you see your children's names, do you immediately think back to finding out when they were in your belly? Or the labor and delivery? The first weeks and months, the many milestones, the fact that they REFUSE to slow down growing up wise?! 

Lisa [the creator and founder of this brand] is a beautiful soul. Her story about her OWN journey of motherhood is touching, emotional, raw, and incredibly heartfelt. I'm blessed to be a part of her business; to have received these rings and to promote her story. 

Being Pierson and Reese's mama is one of my greatest callings. I believe that God is telling a beautiful story through my children, and I am honored to walk in front of them, to guide and direct them in this great big world. There is something magical about this season of life, probably about the the many NEXT seasons of life, and Lisa Leonard is 100% about embracing the magic. Please, check out her website, her blog, and read part of her family's story. I haven't taken these rings off since I got them, and I am forever grateful I stumbled upon her business through the world of social media!