Let's Get Real

Hey everyone, so moment of truth, how many people here enjoy working? Is it like, 10% or 90% of you reading who say, "I do! I love getting up in the morning and going to work all day!" Because I'll just be real with you: I want to stay home with my babies all day everyday, as exhausting and infuriating as they can be, and write and take pretty pictures on my terms. Can anyone else relate?

Do not get me wrong here or twist these words--I love teaching, and I love the relationships that I build with students. However, now that I've had a taste of stay at home life, well, it's that much harder to go back. My son starts kindergarten next Wednesday and my daughter starts preschool in TWO days. Bless their hearts but good LORD, could someone just heal MY broken heart?! There are some moms who are great with their kids growing up and getting older and get super thrilled about all the milestones. I have loved every stage and every single year, but let's also be real; when Pierson was three months old, you would have found me in his nursery crying, flat on my face, simply because he had changed so much. (Okay, at that time I had a serious thyroid disorder that made my hormones ALL out whack, but still!!) Most months when I feel extra emotional, it kind of spirals when I think about all the memories or moments of recent days. It's like, in SPITE of how frustrated (downright angry) I get with their bickering, tattling, and constant messes, I simultaneously want to scoop them up and hold them on my lap and squeeze them forever. 

Let's get real. I just signed up to a part of my son's PTA. I smiled and gave my email address and sat through his orientation with many other parents in the room; meanwhile, I felt like I was having the wind knocked out of me over, and over, and over again. There's a difference in losing your breath when you see your baby for the first time after hours of a strenuous labor and then losing it because you've realized that baby is FIVE freeking years old and he's his own miniature person. And the same goes for my baby girl, who is SO excited to start school because her brother is, and who talks constantly about picking her outfit for the first day, making friends, and listening to her teacher. Y'all, these are GREAT THINGS! I just need to be 100% honest in admitting that they also are making me feel physically ILL at the moment. 

You know those moments as a mom when you're utterly exhausted and you're sitting on the toilet, and you think, "This moment of peace will last a maximum of 2.3 seconds...." and then you're spot on, because the kids barge in and are either running from each other or one asks to literally see what progress you've made on said toilet? I literally shut my bathroom door today, for the FIRST TIME EVER, because we have never had an en suite. And we now have THREE bathrooms in this house [hello heaven!!!!!] so I thought, "Surely I can just pee, and close the door so that I don't hear their noise." Lo and behold Reese storms through the door: "MOM! WHY did you close the door?! That's so MEAN!!" It was a rare moment where I had my patience under control, and I said, "Reese, let's try that again. I closed the door because I can. I am a grownup and grownups can close doors, children should not. I closed the door because I wanted a minute of quiet. Why don't you try knocking on the door and asking if it's okay to come in?" "Okay, Mommy!!" she responded. And she practiced. "That's a very big girl thing to do, Reese," I praised. And then I almost laughed out loud because the entire exchange took way too long and let's face it, I had finished peeing LONG ago, I was just merely scrolling my phone at the point that she had rudely entered. However, I digress. There's going to come a day in the very near future that my daughter does not WANT to come in the bathroom with me. Let's get real. She is going to want her privacy, and respect mine, and the days of her constantly wanting me will be no more. 

Our son just recently started going into a stall at the gym to change into his swimsuit and HE has been closing the door when he uses the bathroom here at home. I don't even know when or how this happened, is that just like, an innate thing that kids do? Because Lord knows I didn't prompt that. I guess I just feel like at this moment, in this season, my kids are giants. And it's barely just begun. So here, let's look at some sappy photos and all cry together, want to? 

From none to one to five, I'm just not sure where the years went.....and here's some of Reesie Cup:

I've read many a blog post where moms write about the woes and heartache of their children growing bigger. The posts about how important it is for self-care as a mom [and it is] and how we should also not care so much about the messes and finger printed glass doors; we all experience it. We blink and they are starting school. We wake up and they are four and five. While I used to never understand phrases like, "Just you wait, tomorrow they'll be driving themselves!" I do now. I remember carrying two car seats very uncomfortably on my arms, balancing them up multiple staircases to get into our home; and now both of my kids can buckle themselves in. 

Let's get real. Life is fleeting, and I am holding on for dear life. 

Precious Keepsakes from Lisa Leonard's Jewelry

Every year for Christmas or our anniversary, my husband has asked, "Would you like any jewelry?" Up until now (the past month), I just haven't seen anything that I thought I would consistently wear. I am not what I would call an 'accessory gal,' or someone who wears bracelets or earrings, etc. That all changed when I discovered Lisa Leonard and her BEAUTIFUL shop. 

It didn't hurt that I saw a bunch of these beauties floating around my Instagram feed, and when I saw her sterling silver stacked rings, I knew those were it. Hand molded and customizable, they are honest to goodness my favorite accessories that I've worn in YEARS, besides my wedding ring. 

These rings can be customized with words or a short phrase, and they can be stacked for a modern and chic accessorized look. I love having Pierson and Reese's name right on my fingers; every time I look down to type or write, I see them, and I think they're the most heart-felt jewelry a mama could wear. 

I actually received these rings right around Mother's Day, and they meant (and will forever mean) SO much to me. What is it about Motherhood that sometimes makes us mamas so emotional? When you see your children's names, do you immediately think back to finding out when they were in your belly? Or the labor and delivery? The first weeks and months, the many milestones, the fact that they REFUSE to slow down growing up wise?! 

Lisa [the creator and founder of this brand] is a beautiful soul. Her story about her OWN journey of motherhood is touching, emotional, raw, and incredibly heartfelt. I'm blessed to be a part of her business; to have received these rings and to promote her story. 

Being Pierson and Reese's mama is one of my greatest callings. I believe that God is telling a beautiful story through my children, and I am honored to walk in front of them, to guide and direct them in this great big world. There is something magical about this season of life, probably about the the many NEXT seasons of life, and Lisa Leonard is 100% about embracing the magic. Please, check out her website, her blog, and read part of her family's story. I haven't taken these rings off since I got them, and I am forever grateful I stumbled upon her business through the world of social media! 

Kissing the SAHM Life Goodbye: My Thoughts and Prayers

Well y'all, as quickly as my time off began, it's now quickly coming to an end. Feeling emotional while the kids nap [does that happen to you??], I went back and read some old posts of mine. It literally feels like yesterday that I was counting down until Christmas break and looking forward to the months I would be blessed to stay home with my kids. Now here we are...I go back to my classroom in TWO weeks [only for four days, and then it will be summer vacation], and I'm like, "HOW!??!" 

Lastnight in bed, I started to pray. I apologized because honestly, it's been a little too long since I had a sincere heart to heart with the Lord; and I just asked for guidance. Previously I had said during this season, I had wanted to write more, get more serious about the blog, and book more sessions--and guess what? That just didn't really happen. I did a few sessions sure, and I have a few weddings in the coming year, but I wasn't slammed. And when I opened my laptop to write, usually I couldn't find the words or motivation to get my fingers moving. This has been a season of motherhood, and as I sit and reflect, I am so grateful for that. 

I'm a good teacher. I've taught for six years, in a self-contained elementary classroom; teaching all subjects, and meeting HUNDREDS of children along the way. I love fifth graders especially, their humor and sarcasm [or attempts anyway] and when they really start digging deep to figure out who they are. I LOVE teaching writing and inspiring kids TO write. I like interacting with my co-workers and having adult conversations. But at the same time, the thought of working a five day a week job again...it really makes me sad. 

My son Pierson will start kindergarten in August [THREE months from now, ahhhh!] and our sweet Reese will be all by herself. She's never known a day without her brother, and she definitely hasn't been away from him all day every day! We don't yet have a sitter for her, and it makes me SO emotional to think that I won't be the one with her each day. Especially her by herself, will be SO fun; she'll be four in September and her personality is just bursting with greatness each and every day. What I wouldn't give to do preschool lessons and 'field trips' with my baby girl. But it's just not the case. 

I asked God to give me this time to focus on being Mom, and He answered. Back in November, I wrote this:

There is one thing that I DO know though...that I need this time with my kids. With my son going to kindergarten August 2017, I know that I will be so thankful for these next few months. We aren't sure when our daughter will start school, as our school district just changed the date and age kids need to be when they enroll; so as of now, she may start the year right after him, or she may have to wait two years. Regardless of what happens, if I go back to work full time, part time, or WHATEVER, having these coming months to focus more on being MOM, sounds so wonderful.

The last four months, I definitely focused on being Mom. I think, and have to trust, that God wants me back in the classroom for a while longer. I don't think it's unfeasible that I'll be able to get more paying jobs and possibly in the future get the chance to stay home again, but that time is not now. Reese will definitely be home next year, but we aren't sure yet about the following. If there's a chance she can enroll in kindergarten early, we may look into that because she is SO intelligent, especially socially. But if she does stay home for two years, *maybe* I'll get to stay home again the second year?  

I had written another post back in December about my goals during this time off. It was pretty humbling to re-read them today, so let me share with you how those have panned out ;) 

1. Eat breakfast [at the table] with the kids and read a devotional while they eat
2. wash my face and everyone's teeth [maybe throw in a shower?] ;) 
3. start a routine of school work with them / letters, sight words, science projects, SOMETHING...
4. read aloud daily, other than at nap/bed time
5. go for a walk or play out back before naps
6. if laundry gets done, put it AWAY. this never happens [am i the only one?]
7. eat lunch. be healthy. take care of me. 
8. if i don't make it to the gym, do at least one Suzanne Bowen workout a week
9. write for at least 15 minutes a day, whether journaling or in this space
10. cook/prepare 1 meal a week, since my husband is THE chef of the household

Basically, I never cooked a meal... I think I did once? Tacos or something? No wait, I also made a meatloaf and mashed potato dish. Sorry, Babe! I DID brush my teeth daily (you're welcome!) and for the first few months, we were in a great swing of 'school' in the morning. We focused on letters the first several weeks and did fun crafts with things that started with whichever letter (like 'P' we made and designed pizzas and talked about penguins and popcorn, etc.) We went to the park a lot, rarely out back though. I have been *pretty* good about laundry, even putting it away, though this hasn't religiously happened and I do often ask for my husband's help if we let it get away from us during the week. I definitely did not work out, other than running, but that goal was made before I ran the mini marathon so maybe that one isn't a fail? And I didn't write daily...as much as I wish I had. During the kids' naps I was often tired and accepted the fact that it was OKAY to lie down or just rest! 

I'm pretty good at NOT knowing what the future looks like. But it's been really humbling and a huge eye-opener, that I can always look back and see how God answered prayer and opened or closed doors. A year ago I was dreaming of staying home, unsure if it would ever happen, and then look. Then, I prayed for some quiet and a season of stillness, and that's what I'm currently living! Though it's hard, and definitely bittersweet, I am surrendering my future yet again to Him. 

Pierson will do great in kindergarten. Reese will be well cared for and loved. I will make a difference in the classroom. And everything is going to be just fine. 

That was my little benediction to myself, but in all seriousness, I could use your prayers and well wishes. I literally do NOT know where the time went. The saying, "The days are long but years are short," is beyond true. Some days have been so hard, but I wouldn't have traded them for anything in the world! 

Do You Blog the Bad Days?

Recently I had the GREAT honor of speaking to my dear friend (Tim Burri's) 5th grade writing classes. As our state's BIG standardized test approaches, in preparation he saw that the students may have 'blog' come up as one of their options for an on-demand writing piece. Because he is the best at tooting my horn, Tim asked if I would come present to his classes and give them some more information on what blogging is, and how voice specifically is important while writing. I had the BEST time with those kids, I'll actually write a full post about my experience there later. One of the questions in particular fits my day today JUST perfectly: "What about when you have a bad day?" a boy in the very front row asked. "Do you blog about it?" Several students actually said super quickly, "No!!!" and I kind of laughed.  

"You know what, Buddy?" I replied. "The BAD days are sometimes the best TO write about." 

So here I am, on a Friday afternoon, my head actually splitting, wishing that our morning had been easier than it was. I am not sure what it is about my son being 'almost five' that seems to have changed his disposition so greatly, but oh mercy has it ever changed. Why is it always something? [I know the answer to that: this is life with little kids, period. But still.] Two was pretty much magical for both of our kids [terrible two's was NOT a thing here,] but both sets of THREE had extreme difficulties. My husband and I have always said that four is the magic number, but some days? I'm not so sure. 

This isn't meant to be a "you-know-what-fest," because my son is wonderful. And I think 95% of the time, he is the sweetest soul. He is considerate, gentle, sensitive, thoughtful, funny, loving, creative, intelligent, he is everything good. But lately, many of his moments are spent being argumentative with me. I feel like I am constantly trying to help him re-word his phrases, to ask for things in a kinder way, and to explain to him when he asks, "why?" that it's BECAUSE I SAID SO! 

Didn't you hate that phrase?! Yet, it seriously comes out of my mouth more times than I care to admit. There is only SO long that you can try to have a rational conversation with a four-year old. Or three-year old. And I'm guessing with a ten, eleven, thirteen, sixteen, eighteen-year old? [Parents of older children, feel free to fill me in in the comments below. Mom, I'm guessing you have a thing or two to say here? Ha ha.] The other thing that has been challenging is that he wants me to force my daughter Reese, to play with him, ALL the time. And Reese will happily play with him for 10-15 minutes [is that short? It feels like a decade....] when suddenly she'll change her mind and say, "I don't want to play with you!" and leaves the room. Even if it's her room. And he SCREAMS for me, "MOM!!! REESE SAID SHE DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY WITH ME!!!!!!!" 

Well, now I'm teaching the 3-year old how to politely express that she may want to play alone, and then the 4-year old that it's OKAY if his sister doesn't want to play. It's just felt like a lot....and tomorrow he'll be super obedient, sweet as pie, and I'll want to eat his face off with kisses. And as I'm sitting here typing, I'm realizing that I don't really like the word 'bad.' Today wasn't bad. It was just hard. It was a lot of saying their names, sitting them down, mediating, teaching, discipling, and mothering. But that's what I want to do. Is to mother. And to teach them, and help them, and be here for them...so really what I'm realizing, is that days like today ultimately just teach ME something, the mom, the grownup, the adult in the room. 

I learned that even in the bad, there's nowhere I'd rather be. 

But now I want to hear from you: 

-What ages and stages were the most challenging for you as a mom? The two's, three's, four's, teen's, twenties....HA! 
-Specifically, do you remember when your kids were three and four? Did your kid have a "threenager" stage? What do you remember about four? 
-What do we have to look forward to about five? Because I'm literally depressed over the fact that my first BABY is turning FIVE in just two months. And he reminds me daily. It's good, right? 
-What have been your FAVORITE stages of your kids' childhood? If you say ALL of it, I may slap you. 
-Next, share ANY single thing you want to share: the good days, the bad, the funniest most recent memory, the most horrific...I want to hear them! Comment below or contact me via the contact page!