A Spouse or a Roommate?

I always promise to be real with you all here. So this isn’t a blog post that I am necessarily PROUD to write? But one that I feel is super important to put out there.

Recently I had an incredibly convicting conversation with my husband. And I have a feeling I won’t be the only woman / spouse / person who has struggled with this.

“ I feel like we are simply coinciding. Like we are roommates and best friends. Not like our marriage is thriving or doing the best that it can.”

Ouch, right? Except it was so needed. I can have a tendency to go nonstop. So when the kids are down and it’s 9 o’clock at night, instead of spending time with my husband, I will brainstorm my side businesses. I’ll write newsletters to my oil customers, I’ll check in on my Young Living team, I’ll edit photos. And when I’m in those modes? The last thing I want is to be INTIMATE. So I just won’t be. Or I’ll shut him down. Or sometimes I’m even MEAN!

So let’s talk about intimacy.

Truthfully, and I’ve always been honest about this here, it’s been a struggle for me our entire marriage. This is due to past obstacles that I have had to face, and decisions I made when I was younger, that definitely were NOT the best for me or for my future husband (hence, how at 33 years old I still struggle.) I’ve blocked a lot of things out from a really bad period in my life when I was 18 years old and working for a much older horse trainer. I’ve never had REAL therapy about it (yes, I know I SHOULD), and I’m only writing this to share a little bit of a back story to help you see a glimpse into my ‘why’ I may struggle.

Asa has never been ANYTHING except patient, loving, selfless, and gracious through it all. Now, I’m not saying I freak out out or have panic attacks or anything. MOST of the time I thoroughly ENJOY when I can let myself relax and be present and intimate with my husband. But that’s kinda the problem…allowing myself to let go and putting a PRIORITY on my husband, is something I have severely been slacking at lately.

So we talked about it!

It’s also not JUST about the sex (there, I said it.) It is about the fact that I have put priorities on friends, members, my business, my HORSES; I will schedule all sorts of stuff and plan things and then it’s late at night and I’ve worked (taught) all day, and then mommed and worked some more late at night. He doesn’t deserve that! He doesn’t deserve to be treated simply like a friend, one who I ‘work into’ my schedule.

Timothy Keller in his book, “The Meaning of Marriage,” says something that I think is so beautiful and true:

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”

Not that I think my love has ever DRIED up for Asa. But I think I have had moments where I forgot to show love! I needed the reminder from HIM, as my precious and loving husband, to do the acts of love. To make time for him. To put the laptop away and watch a damn tv show with him. To set intentional date nights on our deck to be together. To laugh with him more, to ASK how I can help him, to pay attention more. To kiss him more deeply, to FLIRT, to joke, and to love.

Am I now the best at this and completely out of the woods because I’m sharing this vulnerable blog post? Nope. But my eyes have been opened. And I pray to God Asa never stops pursuing a magnificent marriage with me. I pray he NEVER stops choosing me or helping me learn how to be better.

We are almost thirteen years into marriage! I remember getting in our car and pulling away from our wedding at the age of TWENTY, wondering what a decade of marriage would look like. “Do you think we’ll be married for like THIRTY years?” I asked him. “I sure hope so,” he said. “You would be FIFTY…..” (My math skills aren’t the greatest, y’all and thirty sounded SO far.)

As I close here, I want to add that if you haven’t read The Meaning of Marriage, I can’t recommend it enough. Here is one more quote that I just love:

“What marriage is for: It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be.”

I WANT to be best friends with Asa. He IS my best friend. But at the same time, I think it is equally important that I am a WIFE to him. I am so thankful that we have been able to have BIG conversations throughout our marriage (here’s a blog post that talks about that!) I am so humbled by his love.

Can you relate? Have you gone through this with your spouse? Shoot me an email or comment and let’s connect. I’d love to be an ear for you if you need; both Asa and I really love trying to help married people love each other well.

What Motherhood is Teaching Me

Do you remember being little?

Do you remember wondering what your life would be when you grew up?

Did you ever think you’d be a mom? I can vaguely remember picturing that I would have a boy and a girl (ha!) and I LOVED the name Elizabeth, so I would say I wanted a daughter named that. (Ha again; we have a Reese EliSabeth!) But much beyond that, I don’t remember too much I suppose… I didn’t really know how to dream for my adulthood I don’t think, other than hoping horses were in my future.

There are SOME things I remember though about being a KID, and one is that I thought my mom had all the answers. And then I remember being annoyed and frustrated when she was ‘right’ or if she knew ‘too much.’ I can remember being angry with her (sorry, Mom) and having way too many hormonal emotions throughout the years; but I also remember always NEEDING her. I wanted her back tickles, no matter how old I got. I wanted her to listen, even if I’d get annoyed at times when she would weigh in. I wanted her approval, even though I didn’t. I wanted her appraisal, even when it looked more like tough love.

As we have come full circle, and I have that boy and girl God knew I would have…there are a lot of things that I am feeling. I feel as if the little years painfully went too quickly. I went from pregnant to delivering healthy, beautiful babies, to chasing toddlers, to now raising a seven and eight year old. Sometimes I forget that I used to be a child. I used to poo poo my mother. I used to brush her off. I used to roll my eyes and give her the side eye. I loved her so dearly, but I know there were moments I didn’t show it. (Sorry again, Mom).

My own kids are at interesting stages and seasons of life. I feel in a way as if my little boy has left me…he was a babbling toddler and such a chatter box, and I remember his tiny voice so clearly. Now he plays basketball around the clock and geeks out over Minecraft. He can be so QUIET. Quiet isn’t bad, but I feel how much less he needs me. He’s too big for me to hold and carry (I remember blog posts I wrote dreading that…..) and more times than not I can feel his annoyance. I see the heavy sighs and eye rolls when asked to clean his room or if I ask to walk the dogs. I often feel like the ‘annoying mom,’ and then I remember…I went through that too.

And I still need and love my mom.

He still wants me to lie with him every single night. He lifts his shirt so I can gently tickle his back and belly. He still loves ‘Magic Sleepy Glasses,’ and he still wraps his arms around me to give me sweet hugs. (No more kisses on the lips though…I’m sad to type that I think those days may be gone.) He’s still my little boy, my forever first baby, and I just PRAY—when he grows up, he will remember how very much I have always loved him.

My daughter too, loves me differently these days. PS: I know all of this is very normal. It’s part of ‘growing up,’ right? But I don’t know that I have sat to intentionally process it in a very long time. Reese is the extrovert; the chatter box, the girl who talks a mile a minute and will tell you any and every thing. For her, it’s a little different. She has always clung to me (sometimes too much) so I can still stay that 90% of the time, she just wants Mama. She wants time with me—to walk and talk and laugh and be silly. And I can see a lot of myself in her (as I can see SO much of Asa in Pierson’s disposition.) Reese is feisty and sassy and sometimes equally as salty as sweet. She can be the BEST at eye rolling, at moaning and groaning when asked to do something she may not want to do, and I sometimes wonder how in the world will I survive teenage years with this girl?!

So right now, in this phase and season of life, I am working harder to embrace when she does cling to me. When she asks, “Can we cuddle and watch Heartland?” or when she wants “one more minute” as I tuck her in. I remember teenage me quite well, and I was NOT an easy teen…

Becoming a mom has taught me so much about sacrifice. About selfless love. About doing your best, even when life is hard. About showing up for your kids, even when you are tired. About harnessing anger (especially when those eye rolls and fussiness comes) and biting my tongue. It has taught me that MY mom, did the best SHE could. She was tired (as all moms are), but that didn’t stop her from being selfless. She was sacrificial. She was patient. And even on little to no sleep, she’d crawl in bed with me to tickle my back and I remember always knowing when she was drifting off to sleep as her hand would slow and then completely stop mid-back. It’s exactly what happens with me and my kids. MANY nights, I am so tired, and mid back tickle I doze and fall asleep. (I wonder if my kids think the same thing I did those nights, “Noooo, just a little longer!” Ha!)

Being a mom, has given me a new love for my mom. I can see her better. I understand better. I can FEEL her emotions deeper. She taught me how to be a mother, and if my kids ever get married and have their own kids, I pray I am also teaching THEM to parent well.

Mother’s Day is a few days away. I know that not every woman WANTS to be a mom, and that is okay! I know that many women who want to be a mom, cannot be. I know that this weekend may be painful to so many women, so I also want to take the space to say remember ALL women, everywhere. Be kind. Be careful what you say. Love the women in your circles well. Check on them. Pray for them. And never, ever take the role of being Mom, if you are one, for granted.

Let's Make the 2021 Derby Winning Burger!

Y’all love recipes so I am here to DELIVER! The Kentucky Derby is SATURDAY, hello!!? That is amazing and it is one of my very favorite times of the year. If you’ve been here long enough you probably remember that I moved to Kentucky FROM Michigan at the age of eighteen in hopes of becoming a jockey. What!?? Sure did. I worked at Churchill Downs my Freshman year of college at U of L and what an experience it was. Obviously I’m not a jockey…and now owning my own off the track Thoroughbred I kinda have a love/hate relationship with the sport?? But still! This time of year is SO FUN, especially when you live here!

So let’s chat about the running for the 2021 Derby Burger Challenge. Judges selected the top 8 burgers and voting happened online—guidelines included judging for creativity, burger descriptions (photos + videos that would make the judges crave a TASTE), and ease of preparation.

DING DING DING!!! Want to know which burger WON???

A burger made by Brian Capps of Louisville, KY!!! His burger, made with 100% Kentucky Cattlemen’s ground beef is packed with FLAVOR. The patty is topped with brie, thick-cut bacon, a blueberry bourbon sauce and arugula - all on a brioche bun. So leave it to Asa, to completely re-create this dish, and to do it to a TEE. I am not typically a cheeseburger gal, I’m going to be 100000% honest. I have preferred veggie burgers the past five years (if not more) when Asa makes burgers in our household. But when he made this one, I literally could NOT resist. I firmly believe it was the Kentucky Cattlemen’s ground beef that made the biggest difference. On top of that, the blueberry bourbon sauce is to die for, not to mention the brie (I’m definitely a cheese gal…) and the delicious crispy bacon.

We think YOU should make it! And I want to hear all about it when you do. Who is up for the challenge? I knowwww I have a lot of women following/reading here whose men love to grill and whip up some burgers; so why not try this one in honor of our 147th Kentucky Derby!

INGREDIENTS
1 pound Kentucky Cattlemen’s Ground Beef or 1 package Kentucky Cattlemen’s Ground Beef Patties 
4 slices cooked thick cut bacon, halved 
1  wheel of brie cheese, rind removed, sliced ¼ inch thick 
1  pint fresh blueberries 
1 lemon, halved 
1/8 cup white sugar 
2 tsp. cornstarch 
1 1/2 tsp. bourbon 
2 - brioche buns 
2 Tbsp. salted butter 
Arugula
¼ tsp. course kosher salt 
¼ tsp. coarse black pepper

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HOW TO MAKE IT
1. Form ground beef into two patties that are slightly larger than your buns, set aside. Preheat a cast iron skillet over medium heat. Add butter and sliced buns, cook until golden brown, set aside. 

2. Salt & pepper both sides of burger patty, cook over medium heat in cast iron skillet. Cook until internal temperature reaches 160°F degrees, turn off heat add cheese and cover with lid until melted. Remove to a plate to rest. 

3. Add blueberries to small pot, add sugar, and juice from half of a lemon, cook on med/low heat for 5-7 minutes, stirring occasionally. Mix cornstarch with just enough water to become a slurry. Slowly add just enough slurry to thicken blueberry mixture slightly. Remove mixture from the heat and stir in the Bourbon. 

4. Build burger: Place bottom bun down, add burger patty with brie cheese, bacon and pour some blueberry sauce over bacon until it runs off, add arugula and top bun.

That recipe is straight from Kentucky Cattlemen’s Beef website, who we were privileged to partner with when making this divine burger, and one thing I want to add, is that the QUALITY of your beef MATTERS. Both Asa and I have noticed a huge difference when we use Kentucky Cattlemen’s ground beef, as opposed to when we don’t, and this is completely authentic on my behalf (they haven’t sponsored this particular blog post!) We paired the burger with a side of curly fries, and while it’s pretty rare for me to completely clear my dinner plate? I definitely cleared this one.

Fun fact if ya wanna be lazy and NOT make this? This exact burger will be served at 80/20 @ Kaelin’s as a featured menu item from 4/21 – 5/2!

So what do you think?? Are you making this? Share in the comments if you’re game or if you’re gonna go grab it at a local restaurant :)

Homemade Baked Mac n' Cheese, Yes, Please!

Reese is definitely a mac n’ cheese gal but let’s face it…who doesn’t love it? Asa has made his from scratch for a long time and it’s a huge hit at family functions and get togethers, but for this dish he found a new recipe that is absolutely to die for!

We worked with Kroger and the campaign was for a Southern Comfort meal. This dinner hit the SPOT for that comfort food deliciousness, so much so that I may have eaten directly out of the tray once I cleaned my plate. Oh my word, Ashley… that’s embarrassing.

Okay, want the recipe?? I expect this to be on your family’s weekend menu and I want to know how you like it! This dish was inspired by Mom On Timeout’s blog post, so I cannot take the credit, she totally deserves it all! :)

PS: we were in an airbnb when we made this dish, as our home was still being fixed up. Hence the reason for the disposable tray and a room you may not recognize at the bottom of this post ;)

Ingredients:

• 16 oz elbow macaroni, cooked (or other tubular pasta)

• 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil

• 6 tbsp unsalted butter

• 1/3 cup all purpose flour

• 3 cups whole milk

• 1 cup heavy whipping cream

• 4 cups sharp cheddar cheese shredded

• 2 cups Gruyere cheese shredded

• salt and pepper to taste

• 1 1/2 cups panko crumbs

• 4 tbsp butter melted

• 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese shredded

• 1/4 tsp smoked paprika (or regular paprika)

Instructions:

• Preheat oven to 350F. Lightly grease a large 3 qt or 4 qt baking dish and set aside.Combine shredded cheeses in a large bowl and set aside.

• Cook the pasta one minute shy of al dente according to the package instructions. Remove from heat, drain, and place in a large bowl.

• Drizzle pasta with olive oil and stir to coat pasta. Set aside to cool while preparing cheese sauce.

• Melt butter in a deep saucepan, dutch oven, or stock pot.

• Whisk in flour over medium heat and continue whisking for about 1 minute until bubbly and golden.

• Gradually whisk in the milk and heavy cream until nice and smooth. Continue whisking until you see bubbles on the surface and then continue cooking and whisking for another 2 minutes. Whisk in salt and pepper.

• Add two cups of shredded cheese and whisk until smooth. Add another two cups of shredded cheese and continue whisking until creamy and smooth. Sauce should be nice and thick.

• Stir in the cooled pasta until combined and pasta is fully coated with the cheese sauce.

• Pour half of the mac and cheese into the prepared baking dish. Top with remaining 2 cups of shredded cheese and then the remaining mac and cheese.

• In a small bowl, combine panko crumbs, Parmesan cheese, melted butter and paprika. Sprinkle over the top and bake until bubbly and golden brown, about 30 minutes. Serve immediately.

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A few tips from her blog that we also can’t emphasize enough:

Use block cheese and shred, do NOT buy the pre-shredded cheese. Yes, shredded cheese is so easy and serves so many purposes in homemade meals…but NOT for this! It is coated and will not melt properly. You need to shred it yourself for the best result.

Also—cook your pasta to slightly less than al dente, about one minute shy is great. The reason is that this is baked mac and cheese so the pasta will continue to cook in the homemade cheese sauce in the oven. Nobody likes soggy macaroni!

This mac and cheese recipe starts with a roux. The roux is crucial for getting the creamiest cheese sauce ever! Here is what you need to look for:

• The roux (equal parts butter and flour) is whisked together until bubbly and golden.

• Whisk in cold milk – not warm – to prevent the flour from clumping.

• Cook the roux until you see bubbles on the surface and then continue cooking for an additional 2 minutes before adding the cheese.

For an extra bang of flavor, add Parmesan to the Panko topping – cheese upon cheese upon cheese upon cheese. Always and forever, amen. What are you waiting for? Order your groceries, add these items, and get cooking! Comment here when you’ve tried it, I wanna know what you’d rate this!