This is 33

This is 33.

12:30a.m. writing this post. When I’m supposed to be long asleep (as my husband is….) Six a.m. will come too quickly, and it’ll be the first time in a little over a YEAR, for me to work IN person, WITH actual people. Tomorrow I go back, and the thought is incredibly surreal. March 13, 2020 I walked out of my classroom, as did most of the world (Kentucky at the very least) and I had no idea what was coming.

For my 32nd birthday we booked a cabin in the woods and thought we would have just a ‘few weeks’ at home. Little did we know, right? We celebrated with lots of hiking, confetti cinnamon rolls, and Asa zoomed his family through his laptop to wish me a happy birthday. I remember being SO weirded out at that, a zoom call?! HA HA!!! It’s been the literal story of my life for a YEAR. Yours too, probably…

“How old do you feel?” I’ve been asked. And you know what… I have NO idea!! Is there actually an age that you feel right now? I’m super curious. I guess if I had to really dwell on it, I still feel like I’m in my twenties, but in a much BETTER way. While I still have insecurities and anxieties, they don’t compare to what twenty-something Ashley used to feel. I have been brushing things off a lot better these days, not hyper-focusing on things that just do not matter. Birthdays are always contemplative for me, so I wanted to share just a few things that I believe I’ve learned and become:

-My time is valuable. I work a full time job and a lot of ‘side’ jobs. I have several businesses and I spend a lot of time WORKING. But the days are fleeting, my kids are growing up SO fast, and I believe with each year that passes, I am reminded that we aren’t guaranteed a set number of days here on Earth. Therefore? I want my yes’s to count, and my no’s to count too. Time is valuable, and I want to make sure that I don’t waste mine.

-It’s OKAY to work and it’s okay to want to make extra income. I have a very big dream (yes, still!) of owning land and being in our forever home surrounded by open spaces. Getting there on two teacher salaries probably isn’t super feasible, so I enjoy being a multi-passionate entrepreneur and working hard to TRY to win a shot at my big dreams. I’m also incredibly grateful to have a husband who is willing to dream alongside me, even though many days I drive him up a wall ;)

-Taking medication for mental wellness is OKAY. I’m sorry, but how many people dealt with more stress and worries and anxiety the last YEAR then quite possibly ever before?! Sometime last summer (I think summer??) my favorite cat was diagnosed with diabetes. That’s a LONG story, but it was the straw that broke my back for a while. We lost our senior dogs back to back, and then we legitimately thought we were losing Manny. I spoke with my doctor and told her I felt my head was spinning constantly, I was having such obsessive and neurotic thoughts and I couldn’t even enjoy LIFE because I was stressing over him ALL THE TIME. Really, Ashley, over a damn cat you got put on anxiety meds? Yup. SHO DID. A baby dose at that, (a friend jokes with me that it was a placebo) and I stopped taking it within a few months (after his diabetes went into remission, like WHAT?!) but I LEARNED that it was OKAY. And if I ever feel I need to be back on it? That’s okay too.

-I’m not for everyone. And that is OKAY. I have been told by more people than I can count now that they are going to ‘unfollow me.’ I have been deleted and blocked on Facebook by family members and I’m sure on Instagram as well and you know what…? That’s okay!! While I may not understand it (I’m a huge advocate for two ways conversations, not one sided judgements) I absolutely encourage everyone to make the decisions that are best for THEM. Okay what I REALLY want to say and I’m going to because it’s my birthday: “No need to announce your exit but regardless, don’t let the door hit you on your way out!” ;)

-Patience. The past year especially has taught me this fruit of the spirit immensely. We couldn’t DO anything the last twelve months. We couldn’t go anywhere. We couldn’t change the circumstances. All we could do was figure out the best way to make our life a happy one and to try our best to love one another, EVERY single day. Teaching from home, our kids learning from home, trying to run my other businesses from home and not being able to GO OUT and take photos (a big part of my living)….PATIENCE.

-Still a night owl. I would rather work until three o’clock in the morning than go to bed at a decent hour and wake up earlier. Nope, nope, nope. I am obviously still a night owl (almost 1 a.m. and my alarm will be going off in five hours. Ouch.)

-I’m a decent runner. Last June I started running more consistently again, and as I began to increase my miles, I decided I wanted to run a mini marathon of my own. The one I ran in 2017 was a horrendous experience for me (the aftermath especially), and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to do it again…but sure enough, January 30th, when my sweet sister in law was laboring with my nephew in Nashville, I ran 13.2 miles all on my own in the very freezing cold. THIS time I had trained more appropriately, and while I ran I kept thinking, “If she can have a baby, I can keep running.” HA, same thing, right, Beth?? (Lord bless my sister in law, y’all; that’s also another story for another time but she is SUCH a fricken warrior and we are so glad Johnny is here!)

-Jesus > me. The hurt in the world is too vast for me to try to make sense of, but if there’s one thing I have learned over the past year especially, it is that Jesus is bigger than ME. And guess what, He is bigger than YOU too. I do not care what church you attend or that you were a part of, if they are not actively seeking and representing JESUS. Not religion, not rules, not traditions or customs, I want JESUS. And because currently my Asian friends and family and my African American friends and family STILL are questioning whether or not they are worthy and loved!? I am begging for JESUS to be bigger than the noise and hurt. I am praying so hard for Light to overcome the Darkness and that for me personally, I will show light and love to all.

I’m sure there’s more that I could write and expand on, but really this is a pretty good picture of what I look like at 33. Not physically as in the photo above, just who I am. Thirty-two was a good year; a weird one, but good. I was able to stay home with my family every single day…for a year. I pray my kids look back on our time together fondly. That I didn’t yell too much or seem too busy. I hope that they look back and remember our time around the table, the card games, the meals, the walks in the woods and fields with our dogs, the movie nights in our family room, the laughter and the cuddling.

Being a wife and mom is an incredible honor for me and I don’t take it lightly. Here’s to another year around the sun, friends. Let’s see what this one brings…!

So You Turned Thirty, What's the Big Deal?

Is turning thirty a big deal? Well, I don't know. A week or so before my thirtieth birthday I texted my mom VERY late at night. 

"Mom?" I said. "I think I'm freaking out about turning thirty."  

"Why?" she said. "It's just a number." 

There was more to it than that--she told me she loved thirty because that's the year she had ME (well ahem, of COURSE! haha!!) But I don't know, guys? Turning thirty just feels weird! 

Leading up to my thirtieth birthday I posted a photo on Instagram that asked my friends who were in their 30's (or older) to comment what their favorite part of this decade has been and I wanted to share some of the responses: 

• * I believe you will really begin to hone your craft. It’s the time to DO. 30’s are great.

• *You will love this decade! You will finally give yourself permission to love yourself as you are. You stop trying so hard and feeling so anxious about everything not being good enough... and then suddenly it IS good enough!

• *I love my confidence in my 30’s and also, the no BS. No time for that :)

I LOVED reading these and I believe every one of them to be true and things that I am looking forward to about this decade. Birthdays are a time of a lot of reflection for me (are they for you too?) so lately I've had a lot on my mind.

For instance, when I was recently in one of my riding lessons I had the strangest feeling. I had this memory of being TINY, [age, not size since not much as changed there height wise.....] leading this big giant lesson horse to the arena and over to the mounting block. I remember the very first lessons, the first jumps I took, the way that it felt to canter around a ring. And in many regards, nothing has changed, except for a number. But what feels so surreal is that those memories were decades and decades ago. Somehow, that ten-year-old girl is now thirty, and life just keeps flying by.

Do you know what I LOVE about turning thirty though? If you keep up with on Instagram or social media, you've totally seen that God granted me my biggest wish, my largest and most daring dream--my very own horse. He said, "Ashley, you doubted, and you doubted BIG. But I am going to give you a horse anyway. You are going to love him, learn from him, and get to ride him. His name is Paddy." A week before my birthday, Kathryn from the Horse Rescue in Nashville called me with the most exciting news: the horse I had met a couple weeks prior was still up for adoption, and she was offering him to ME.  

So while I feel kind of weird about the fact I'm wearing more wrinkles these days than ever, I'm also super excited to see what else my Creator has in store for me in this coming decade. My twentieth year brought me my husband, it was literally when I said, "I do." And my thirtieth brought me a horse. Asa (my husband) and I were talking recently and he said, "You have to promise to love me more than you love Paddy." While he was joking, I know there was a little bit of seriousness in what he said. I wasn't the girl who prayed for a husband or kids; I didn't actually really plan or dream about any of that. But my entire childhood consisted of me scheming for a horse--I was the weirdo who led a giant tricycle around the backyard with a dog leash tied to it, pretending it was a horse. I wanted my mom to see it and for that to be proof that I could duh, ACTUALLY take care of a 2000 pound animal. Are you shocked that DIDN'T work?? Yeah, me too. 

You know that I am so thankful Jesus gave me my husband. He is literally the glue that keeps my heart and soul together. And the fact that He also gave me two beautiful and healthy children? Pierson and Reese are my greatest and sweetest life accomplishments. But now I am also looking forward to *hopefully* growing old with Paddy; learning how he ticks, what he needs, and the two of us figuring each other out. I can't believe that I finally have my OWN horse that I can drive or walk to, to throw my arms around on a good or bad day, to kiss his nose and lay across his back. I'm looking forward to throwing a blanket in the pasture and reading a book beside him while he grazes. I can't wait to walk him and feed him and confide in him. And I ultimately cannot wait to bring along my family WITH me on this journey. When I look at Pierson and Reese, four and five years old, sometimes I want to laugh with delight that they are getting a horse in their lives at SUCH a young age! WHAT would childhood Ashley have done if that was me?! Oh my goodness, Y'all. Life is funny. Fleeting, beautiful, and funny. 

I don't think thirty has to be scary, and I don't think that is the word I would use to describe how I was feeling leading up to this year. It just feels surreal that the twenties are OVER--poof! They've disappeared, vanished, are gone.

Going back to what friends commented on the photo I posted, I pray that this IS the decade that I will hone in on my nitch, my craft, my passions. Also that my confidence will increase and that I will really and truly leave all the BS for what it is: BS. I hope that this is the year (decade) of lessened anxiety; of loving and accepting myself for WHO I am, and what I am. For crying out loud, I want to say to myself--ALL of your dreams have come true, what now?? 

{Full disclosure: I am a constant dreamer so I believe there will always be dreams on top of dreams on top of dreams...for instance, how I am praying that we can buy land and build a house there someday sooner than later, so that I can have my horse (and more!) ON our property!! However, I won't get too carried away and I'll admit that my biggest current dream has been checked off the list.} 

Here's my final thoughts leaving the twenties: "Something doesn’t have to be bad to be over. But maybe that season has given you everything it has to offer; it shaped and developed you, it stretched and inspired you. You’ve deeply incorporated its lasting values, and this place has been true to you and of you. Even then, you STILL have full permission to move forward or move on to something new, different, surprising, or risky." (Jen Hatmaker) 

Cheers to thirty, Y'all! If you have any fun thirty stories, feel free to share them in the comments below! 

Turning 29, Planning for Spring Break, and Dealing with Disappointment.

Some of you have seen my Torteous Twenties post and if not, you can check that out here. But alas, I had a birthday this week and it was a glorious weekend/week of celebrating with dear friends and family. The day after I turned 29, I ran 9 miles with two of my friends I have been training with, and I NEVER would have imagined I could do that. Lo and behold, God continuously likes to shock me; and I'm now in a season of trusting, resting, and relying on Him for some healing. I ran 5.5 miles this Wednesday, 3.3 over hills on Thursday, and as soon as I stopped, my left knee started right back to square one of popping, catching, and causing me some good pain. It woke me often throughout the night last night, which hasn't actually happened before...I texted my good friend who is a PT and she said, "If you listen to your body when it whispers, then you won't have to listen to it scream." I'm tearing up just typing that, largely because I believe there is so much truth in it, but also because I know my body is whispering to me RIGHT now. And that's hard. In five weeks I've gone from not knowing I could run further than 3 miles consistently, to running good distances every single week. 

I know it's not the end of the world, but I never would have imagined that I'd be so disappointed to sit out a TEN mile race. I was so looking forward to running with my friend Lauren and to seeing my husband and kids at the finish line... but I'm still excited to cheer my friend on and to hear how she did. And now we get an earlier start on our vacation, so that's of course VERY exciting. I'm praying that a week off from running--maybe some hiking and strength training periodically, will help mend my knee and I am ultimately praying I CAN do the mini marathon at the end of April. So fingers crossed and I won't mind one bit if you add me to your prayers!

Anyway, this week looked like playing outside, sitting by the heater when it randomly got cold, learning about spring, drawing spring scenes, and planting wildflowers to grow inside. I love watching my kids learn and absorb information; it has been a ton of fun teaching them over the past couple of months. Also, Pierson visited the allergist and he is apparently allergic to cats, dogs, and mold [soooooo since we live in a zoo of animals that's not exactly good news]...but the doctor was AMAZING and he's on some medications now to hopefully help him with all of this. He's just had a bad bout of bronchitis and a double ear infection he couldn't kick, but I think we are finally on the mend. I also got to watch my friend Lauren's son Jadon this week. He's 14 months old and my kids ADORE him (as you can see from the photos below).  It's surreal that my husband's spring break has arrived. Tomorrow we head for Asheville, NC to camp for two nights + then we are staying at Myrtle Beach in a condo. Our two best friends Tim + Clayton are joining us--it's going to be SO much fun. [And probably also incredibly exhausting... but well worth it I already know!]

The Tortuous Twenties and a Big Cheers to 29

Tortuous: full of twists and turns; which is a REALLY great way to describe my twenties. Birthdays are always a super reflective time for me, and this one is no different. Turning twenty-nine, how did that happen? I remember turning twenty-SEVEN like it was yesterday; and feeling like I had all the time in the world to turn (heaven forbid) THIRTY. Well, time is flying by perhaps quicker than ever, and I have one year left in my twenties. So, how have have the 'twenties' been? 

I turned twenty-one just three months after saying "I do" to my sweet and loving husband. In my wildest dreams, I wouldn't have planned on marrying so young, but God writes the love story, amen? Some of my happiest memories are when we lived in our first apartment on Fourth Street in Old Louisville. We had the whole first floor and I remember thinking that two bedroom space was HUGE. With it's dark [and dingy] hardwoods, the bars over the windows [yes, for real], and the beautiful giant windows that overlooked the street. We had NO back yard, but the dogs adapted well and we went on walks almost daily around Central Park and St. James Court, which was also the first place my husband told me he loved me when we were dating. We were so poor. But every Thursday we managed to afford cheap Chinese takeout and watched Grey's Anatomy on the couch, surrounded by the comfort of lit candles and giant dogs; just happy. We remember a couple times needing to have our parents bail out us financially, but not once did they ever complain or give us a hard time for being so young and unprepared.

Around twenty-three I started to have a mild panic over the fact that I desperately wanted to be pregnant and have a baby, but for my whole life, had been in denial about that. I would cry when I had a period and when my friend's were getting pregnant and sweet Asa said, "You know you kinda have to come off the PILL for this to happen?" So I did. And five months later, Pierson was conceived. A baby at age twenty-four, and again at twenty-five (y'all know that was NOT planned), it felt kind of crazy to be done having kids in my mid twenties; still does actually. Sometimes I'm like, "Aw MAN! I could so have a third!" but at this point, that would a.) be a miracle and b.) I really believe God designed this plan just how it is. Unless He decides to surprise the heck out of us in the years to come with a dream of adopting or a miracle of conception, ha. (I wouldn't put it past Him!) 

We bought our first house before Pierson came, and we've been here for six years. That too feels surreal that we've been home owners for so long, and that we were SO blessed by the one we chose. (I think it chose us though, in all honesty.) The walks we did around this park as we prayed to God for guidance and direction, and the kneeling in the front entryway, with the house entirely empty, asking for His protection and will with what would happen here. And look! We've brought TWO babies home to this house! We've painted and added some nice touches to the backyard, we've had a garden for years, and the kids live for swimming in giant kiddy pools in the summertime. 

But it hasn't been all sunshine and roses, and there were some ROUGH awakenings in my twenties. Like when I started doubting my marriage and was turning to other people for validation in who I was. When I listened to the world telling me that if I wasn't happy, just quit, because it's all about me. When my body went through years of hormonal imbalances that then led to emotional, physical, and spiritual ones.  

But all of those then negative and heart wrenching experiences led to some really amazing awakenings. Like the sun beaming down after a terrible (and long) storm, I began to see the shift in who I was becoming. 

Marriage: It's not always smothered in butterflies and fireworks of romantic explosions. Every single day, you change as an individual. Your husband isn't who he was when he married you and you are not the same woman. The annoyances will change as time goes on; roles and expectations shift, and hey, let's just be real: what you once used to like in the bedroom, well maybe you won't anymore! A marriage takes work, a heck ton of communication, and choices, always, that should conclude with putting your spouses needs above yours. I've never heard anyone say that it's easy, because it's not. But marriage is the greatest blessing of my life and my husband will always come first.

Friendships: they come and go in seasons. I've realized (finally) that if a friendship isn't working; if it's not a mutual give and take, that's okay. Sometimes if it leaves, LET IT. My happiness doesn't depend on other people investing or not investing in me. Don't waste hours of life wondering what someone else is thinking (or not thinking) about you. There's an ebb and flow with friendships, and I'm holding tighter to the ones that matter. That being said, I believe in fighting for what and who you believe in. I learned wonders from the book Uninvited, and if you haven't yet read that, I really think you need to.

Self-Image: forever a give and take of giving myself grace. Our bodies are continuously changing. Our skin, muscle loss or gain, weight fluctuation, stretch marks, spider veins; LOTS of things, all the time. I've learned that my number one motivation is to be healthy so that hopefully, I can live a long and healthy life. I want to be able to watch my grandkids be born and play with them. Drinking lots of water is something I'm terrible at, but I'm trying. And working out is also something I've never consistently done until the last couple of years. Telling myself that I'm strong, because I am, is crucial. I never want my children to hear me verbally express dislike for myself and Asa and I refuse to say the words fat or big or ugly. I'm not thrilled with every inch of myself, but I leave those conversations for the privacy of Asa and I; not my son and daughter. I ran the furthest I've ran (7 miles) at twenty-eight. I don't know if I'll be able to continue running (I hope to) but regardless, I was completely shocked that I could do that and felt incredibly empowered. Twenty-eight was a GOOD year. [Update since I'm behind on posting this, I ran NINE miles at twenty-nine! Ha!! The day after my 29th birthday, I actually RAN nine miles without stopping. Isn't God awesome?!]

On love: I talked about marriage and friendships, but I learned a lot about love as a whole during my twenties. The biggest part, is that I AM LOVED. The word Beloved has become one of my very favorites and is near and dear to my heart [hence my Beloved Woman SERIES], but really and truly, I know that I am a very loved woman. As a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend; God is so good. And I know that He whispers to me daily, "My dear, you are MY beloved, and I created you to be JUST who you are." I am so thankful for this lesson and while I am still learning and definitely growing in resting in this love--it was here in my twenties that I have found so much peace. 

Here's to a new year, y'all. Some of you reading may scoff (she's only 29??) and others of you are thinking, "oh goodness, I have SO much longer until I am that old!" Ha ha!! Life is weird. And funny. And good. And I love all of you. Thanks for celebrating another year of life with me. The night of my birthday, I plan on playing laser tag with my closest friends, and then ending the night w/ food and a campfire in our backyard. It's basically a 12-year old's birthday party, but hey, don't be jeally. 

Thanks to my amazing photographer husband for taking these of the me and the kids. And thanks to one of my VERY best friends, Tim Burri, for my fabulous gold balloons!