This is 33

This is 33.

12:30a.m. writing this post. When I’m supposed to be long asleep (as my husband is….) Six a.m. will come too quickly, and it’ll be the first time in a little over a YEAR, for me to work IN person, WITH actual people. Tomorrow I go back, and the thought is incredibly surreal. March 13, 2020 I walked out of my classroom, as did most of the world (Kentucky at the very least) and I had no idea what was coming.

For my 32nd birthday we booked a cabin in the woods and thought we would have just a ‘few weeks’ at home. Little did we know, right? We celebrated with lots of hiking, confetti cinnamon rolls, and Asa zoomed his family through his laptop to wish me a happy birthday. I remember being SO weirded out at that, a zoom call?! HA HA!!! It’s been the literal story of my life for a YEAR. Yours too, probably…

“How old do you feel?” I’ve been asked. And you know what… I have NO idea!! Is there actually an age that you feel right now? I’m super curious. I guess if I had to really dwell on it, I still feel like I’m in my twenties, but in a much BETTER way. While I still have insecurities and anxieties, they don’t compare to what twenty-something Ashley used to feel. I have been brushing things off a lot better these days, not hyper-focusing on things that just do not matter. Birthdays are always contemplative for me, so I wanted to share just a few things that I believe I’ve learned and become:

-My time is valuable. I work a full time job and a lot of ‘side’ jobs. I have several businesses and I spend a lot of time WORKING. But the days are fleeting, my kids are growing up SO fast, and I believe with each year that passes, I am reminded that we aren’t guaranteed a set number of days here on Earth. Therefore? I want my yes’s to count, and my no’s to count too. Time is valuable, and I want to make sure that I don’t waste mine.

-It’s OKAY to work and it’s okay to want to make extra income. I have a very big dream (yes, still!) of owning land and being in our forever home surrounded by open spaces. Getting there on two teacher salaries probably isn’t super feasible, so I enjoy being a multi-passionate entrepreneur and working hard to TRY to win a shot at my big dreams. I’m also incredibly grateful to have a husband who is willing to dream alongside me, even though many days I drive him up a wall ;)

-Taking medication for mental wellness is OKAY. I’m sorry, but how many people dealt with more stress and worries and anxiety the last YEAR then quite possibly ever before?! Sometime last summer (I think summer??) my favorite cat was diagnosed with diabetes. That’s a LONG story, but it was the straw that broke my back for a while. We lost our senior dogs back to back, and then we legitimately thought we were losing Manny. I spoke with my doctor and told her I felt my head was spinning constantly, I was having such obsessive and neurotic thoughts and I couldn’t even enjoy LIFE because I was stressing over him ALL THE TIME. Really, Ashley, over a damn cat you got put on anxiety meds? Yup. SHO DID. A baby dose at that, (a friend jokes with me that it was a placebo) and I stopped taking it within a few months (after his diabetes went into remission, like WHAT?!) but I LEARNED that it was OKAY. And if I ever feel I need to be back on it? That’s okay too.

-I’m not for everyone. And that is OKAY. I have been told by more people than I can count now that they are going to ‘unfollow me.’ I have been deleted and blocked on Facebook by family members and I’m sure on Instagram as well and you know what…? That’s okay!! While I may not understand it (I’m a huge advocate for two ways conversations, not one sided judgements) I absolutely encourage everyone to make the decisions that are best for THEM. Okay what I REALLY want to say and I’m going to because it’s my birthday: “No need to announce your exit but regardless, don’t let the door hit you on your way out!” ;)

-Patience. The past year especially has taught me this fruit of the spirit immensely. We couldn’t DO anything the last twelve months. We couldn’t go anywhere. We couldn’t change the circumstances. All we could do was figure out the best way to make our life a happy one and to try our best to love one another, EVERY single day. Teaching from home, our kids learning from home, trying to run my other businesses from home and not being able to GO OUT and take photos (a big part of my living)….PATIENCE.

-Still a night owl. I would rather work until three o’clock in the morning than go to bed at a decent hour and wake up earlier. Nope, nope, nope. I am obviously still a night owl (almost 1 a.m. and my alarm will be going off in five hours. Ouch.)

-I’m a decent runner. Last June I started running more consistently again, and as I began to increase my miles, I decided I wanted to run a mini marathon of my own. The one I ran in 2017 was a horrendous experience for me (the aftermath especially), and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to do it again…but sure enough, January 30th, when my sweet sister in law was laboring with my nephew in Nashville, I ran 13.2 miles all on my own in the very freezing cold. THIS time I had trained more appropriately, and while I ran I kept thinking, “If she can have a baby, I can keep running.” HA, same thing, right, Beth?? (Lord bless my sister in law, y’all; that’s also another story for another time but she is SUCH a fricken warrior and we are so glad Johnny is here!)

-Jesus > me. The hurt in the world is too vast for me to try to make sense of, but if there’s one thing I have learned over the past year especially, it is that Jesus is bigger than ME. And guess what, He is bigger than YOU too. I do not care what church you attend or that you were a part of, if they are not actively seeking and representing JESUS. Not religion, not rules, not traditions or customs, I want JESUS. And because currently my Asian friends and family and my African American friends and family STILL are questioning whether or not they are worthy and loved!? I am begging for JESUS to be bigger than the noise and hurt. I am praying so hard for Light to overcome the Darkness and that for me personally, I will show light and love to all.

I’m sure there’s more that I could write and expand on, but really this is a pretty good picture of what I look like at 33. Not physically as in the photo above, just who I am. Thirty-two was a good year; a weird one, but good. I was able to stay home with my family every single day…for a year. I pray my kids look back on our time together fondly. That I didn’t yell too much or seem too busy. I hope that they look back and remember our time around the table, the card games, the meals, the walks in the woods and fields with our dogs, the movie nights in our family room, the laughter and the cuddling.

Being a wife and mom is an incredible honor for me and I don’t take it lightly. Here’s to another year around the sun, friends. Let’s see what this one brings…!

Marry a Man Who Can Fold Fitted Sheets (the RIGHT way)

Lately I have seen a mixture of blog posts from different authors, thanking their husband’s for being the men that they are. (Way to go, Ladies. I really believe our men deserve SO much more credit than they are often given!) I actually sent one to my husband, but in that woman’s list, I kept thinking, “That doesn’t REALLY sound like me.” Because it wasn’t, obviously. Also because she thanked hers for not complaining when she’s the first to shower and uses all the hot water, and that didn’t align to our marriage ;) He makes it well known that he prefers me to shower the night before, as to NOT use up his morning hot water—haha! Love you, Babe. But really, I think there are a lot of posts on motherhood and how ‘moms do so much,’ and that is why I want to share a blurb here, with you, and for my husband. Because my husband does a LOT, and he deserves a TON of credit for helping our house be a happy home. A little side note, have you met my husband? Maybe you have seen him on my Instagram account through stories and when we have shared ‘live’ before. And many of you do probably know him personally. But if you don’t…

He is tall, dark, and handsome. No, really. He is six foot four, has Italian genetics, and he’s INCREDIBLY good looking. Some may think I married up, and I will happily admit that.

But more than those things, my husband works his butt off in every single thing that he does. And one of the things that he does the VERY best, is being Dad to our two children. He is THE most patient person I am convinced, in the whole world. While my temper is prone to show its’ ugly face in the heat of our children’s whining and bickering, he is tried and true, and CALMLY handles the situation. Another thing that he does incredibly well, is loving ME. When I met him as a nineteen year old, I know I told him about my love for horses…but did he ever really expect me to OWN not one but TWO giant Thoroughbreds, and for me to be gone OFTEN caring for them…? No, probably not. Yet here he is, supportive, encouraging, and uplifting—loving me through ALL my neurotic horse crazed moments.

So, Dear, Sweet, Handsome Hunk of a Husband…

1 . Thank you first, for choosing me. For choosing me when I have a nasty attitude, when I am moody and hormonal, when I am insecure and doubt, and when I am simply in a funk. Thank you for choosing me when I get mad and upset, when I mess up and make poor choices, and when I can’t process well what I am feeling. Thank you for choosing me in my better, my worse, and everything in between.

2.I see in you so much determination and so much strength. You have this way about you that calms me, and that boosts our families spirits. Thank you for making us laugh, for helping us shake our stinky attitudes, and for being such a light to us and others.

3. If I didn’t have you, I would either a.) starve, because I’d eat incredibly small meals and/or skip food entirely or 2.) I would be incredibly unhealthy because my main meals would be Doritos, Mac n’ Cheese, and Cookie Crisp. Thank you for cooking for our family. For coming up with weekly menus, and doing the planning, grocery shopping, and meal prepping. Now that I type that out, I do believe all the women reading this will officially hate me for how great you are, but haters are gonna hate. Thanks for loving me even though I do NOT do those things.

4. Often I am irrational, neurotic, and don’t think the highest of myself. How many times have I pointed out my face wrinkles (or pimples) with dislike, and how many have you reassured me that you think that I am beautiful. Thank you for loving me through my insecurities. For wanting to be intimate with me, and for reminding me that you want ME. No one else. I feel comfortable and at ease with you. Maybe with other people I would feel like hiding my stomach wrinkles or be super aware of that loose skin; but not with you. Thank you for loving my mom body :)

5. You are patient and kind. Our children ADORE YOU, and you are such a hero in their (and my) eyes. The way our son looks up to you, wanting to be just like dad…there is a reason. It is because you embody the best qualities. You are showing them what it MEANS to be a father and a husband. You are showing our boy how he will someday need to care for his future wife, and how HE can be an amazing father to his own children. You show our daughter what it looks like to be loved, respected, and empowered. You verbally believe in me, and within that she sees how her future husband should believe and celebrate HER. I don’t think she will ever question if she is loved, and that quality is going to largely be because of you. Thank you. For being their role model and my dearest friend.

6. You make sure EVERYONE is taken care of, always. You plate the kids food and mine, before getting your own. You draw me bubble baths and provide space for me when I need it. You play basketball with our son even when you may be too tired. You wrestle our daughter because she LIVES for that, and you take her on dates, which mean the world to her. (“Can we go to El Nopal though?” ;)]

7. I tend to panic. You stay calm. I worry and wonder. You stay grounded and trust. I am worst case scenario when anxiety strikes. You are, ‘how can we fix this?’ I am insecure and question love. You are my favorite arms and safest hug. Thank you, for being all of this and more.

8. You fold our fitted sheets just like my mom. Which basically means you fold them perfectly. This will never cease to amaze me, and I am convinced if I didn’t have you, I would either not own fitted sheets, or they would just be wadded up when put away. Bless you for being the manly homemaker that you are. (Seriously though.)

9. You not only listen to my dreams, you ask how we can make them a reality. Because of you, the future is never scary, it is thrilling. I cannot wait to do life with you—forever.

10. Husband, you are such a help. In so many ways. And you always have been. When I needed you in the middle of the night as I nursed our babies, you were there. You were my rock during pregnancy, birth, and still to this day while they are now five and six. You help me do dishes, fold laundry, clean, sort, organize, de-clutter, take pictures, style for social media, come up with words when I seem to lose mine. Your heart is big, you love SO deeply, and I am just completely, absolutely, without a doubt in love with you.

Love,

Yours Truly
aka the girl who would be lost (and very unhealthy) without you

When Life Gets Messy, I Choose You

Several people have messaged me here on this platform and asked, "Do you and your husband ever fight? Your relationship looks so perfect and like such a dream." Well, I have some feedback on that and I think it's important to share. First, the answer is of COURSE we fight.

Our first year of marriage I got so angry that I flew out the front door of our apartment and drove to nowhere else than his sister's house; who in turn texted him and told him I was there. I don't think I was trying to hide? And I have NO idea what I was even upset about, but we have since made the agreement that neither of would ever get in our cars and leave during a fight. I can remember slamming a door in our second apartment and my husband then hopping up off the couch said yelling, "I CAN SLAM A DOOR TOO!" and of course the entire house shook when he did. I've called my mother sobbing, even when we also made the agreement that we wouldn't involve other people in our disagreements, unless we really had to. And we've had some really big ones, ones that I don't care to share about in this space or in this nature; because they've hurt, and they've left some wounds and open scars. But as you can see, yes, we fight. We recently had one of the biggest that our nine years have ever seen, but we both went to bed that night knowing that the other would be there in the morning. I think that a lot of people are private about their relationships, and of course, I largely am as well. I want to protect my husband and our kids and while a writer, I know there are boundaries. But I also think that honesty is important. Sometimes we get caught up behind the squares we see on Instagram and we are held hostage to the lies that there exists perfection.

Getting married at twenty-years old meant that I had a lot more growing up to do from the moment that I said, "I do." At the beginning of our marriage during our fights, I can remember thinking, "How will we ever move forward from this?" But we always did. Each day passed and with them, fresh years. I have realized that we will ALWAYS move forward. Promises have been broken, and there have been moments of anger, frustration, and perhaps, even resentment. Which is why I am so thankful for a Savior; for the Creator who from His hands, made both my husband and I. And I don't believe for a second that He makes mistakes. When He brought us together, He knew that I could be hot tempered and Asa could be head strong. I can kill with words and he can get loud. And when those things happen, we can take a breath, look at each other, and remind each other that we DO love one another. You've probably at some point said it yourself, "I don't like you, but I do love you." There are times when I feel as though I really don't LIKE my husband. And he doesn't like me. But we will always love each other. 

Recently he and I were circling back and trying to find some closure and here was his response: 

"After I dropped Reese off at school, I had a long drive to think and pray. As I prayed and worked through the emotions of the fight we were having, it became really clear that I wasn't going to leave, I wasn't going anywhere. The only option was to fix it. To do the work to make things right. To own what I needed to own, to learn from our fight and to figure out how to restore our marriage to love. Leaving wasn't an option, so there was only one real direction to go. For me, healing always starts with the decision of which way we are going. And I'm choosing to always come back to you."

My husband can be a real tear-jerker with his words and ultimately, with how he loves me. Honestly, our recent fight had me in that, "WHAT am I going to do?!" type mindset. The one where you feel lost and confused and all you see ahead is gray. I thank God that Asa brought my eyes back to the colors of our beautiful life, and that he reminded me that I too, will only ever walk forward.

I choose you, Asa, and I thank you for choosing me; even and especially when things get messy. I do a great job of capturing the beauty that is in our household, but please remember that those are because I largely want to remember the good, not because the bad doesn't exist. When I need to decide what direction to go, where to love, I choose the good. I choose you.