It has been 251 days.
We walked out of our classrooms on March 13, having zero clue what to expect, what was REALLY happening, and what the future would look like.
First, I want to admit to you that I feel guilty even trying to write this post. I have a tendency to be way too hard on myself (shocker!!) and sometimes I instill shame or guilt for absolutely zero reason. I also often tread lightly, tiptoeing around certain subjects because let’s face it; there are a LOT of you who may read my work and you may disagree heavily. At the end of the day, that’s not why I do what I do; to please everyone—so clearly I am giving myself this mini pep talk before I move on. But let’s move on.
Tonight I freaked out. Not like, ALL the way freaked out? But I definitely freaked out.
Our kids fight, A LOT. This may sound dramatic, but both Asa and I feel like they bicker and pick and tattle and bicker some more…ALL DAY LONG. It’s exhausting. It wears me down. It deflates both of us, a lot. MOST of the time, I’m able to shrug it off. To remind myself that they are kids, they are seven and eight years old, and that “this too shall pass.” But tonight? Tonight was different. It’s been a long week, Guys. Yeah, it’s been a long YEAR, but let me focus a little smaller for now. Asa and I both teach from home, and our kids have been learning virtually as well. For 251 days we have been together, around the clock, more than we ever have before. There hasn’t been a seven hour break in our day where Asa goes to work at his school, the kids go to actual classrooms, and I am at my school. Truthfully?? And you might hate me for this?? Quarantine has generally speaking, been a blessing for us. Asa and I’s marriage has been STRONGER, we’ve fought less, and throughout the summer especially, we were in a GROOVE that I can’t explain. Life almost felt ‘normal,’ as we were able to be outside a ton, hike, a lot, and we spent a ton of time with the local siblings and family. It felt GOOD.
Today I taught from home, went for a run, exercised one of my horses, took photos for a family, came home, and instead of being able to ‘aaahhh,’ sigh a big sigh of relief because home is always wonderful right??…..I lost it. Pierson can’t stand when Reese whistles. Sadly, he learned that from me I think because I despise whistling, and he’s a lot like me sometimes. I can only take SO much of it, but I do TRY to let it go. The girl should be allowed to be happy and LIVE. Asa had worked hard on dinner and we were sitting down to watch a new Netflix movie as a family; mind you, in the glow of the Christmas tree and twinkly lights and our sweet wonderful Golden Retrievers (aka completely magical setting right?!?) The kids finished their dinner, we told them we would make them popcorn and they could have some Halloween candy. (Can you see how blessed/spoiled they are??) As they’re going up the stairs to get their bags, I hear fighting, whining, and this, “REESE! STOP WHISTLING!!” he didn’t say it once though…he said it numerous times and it was the icing on the cake after the longest week ever…A ton of bricks felt as if they dumped right out onto my chest. I’m not exaggerating when I say I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My chest hurt. I was overcome with such anger; I stormed to the bottom of the stairs, screamed at my kids (mostly him), kicked the floor, sped-walked to our bedroom, slammed the door, and sat in our closet in the pitch black burying my head in my hands.
WHY!?
Well first, thank God for Asa. He came in gently, reminded me that that’s really NOT the precedent we want to set for our kids, and told me to just breathe. Our orange wonder cat Alfie came to the closet to find me, sat in my lap and I practiced some big, DEEP breaths. After a few minutes, I came back out to the living room, tears in my eyes, and Asa was there, graciously parenting the kids. I grabbed my Peace & Calming essential oil, rubbed some in my hands and took deep breaths AGAIN. I apologized to the kids for losing my temper (I promise this is not a NORMAL occurrence for me.) I can get mad and angry and annoyed but tonight I will wholeheartedly admit I went over the edge.
Here’s where my heart is currently. This week has been HARD. Every year we host Thanksgiving with the local family. Every year, Asa looks forward to making our home beautiful and warm and cozy and filled with nothing but the BEST homemade food. The kids play and there is laughter and screaming and complete beautiful chaos. (Let’s face it, I basically hate noise, so it’s taken me some time to get to the point where I ENJOY their happy screams?? But after 12 years of holidays together, I promise I do now enjoy it.) We were planning to host this coming Saturday, with the same people we always have; and with the same people we have spent all of quarantine basically with. Our bubble has been small, we always ALL wear masks when going out in any form of public, we wash our hands and don’t put them in our mouth…I mean you name it, we are doing ALL the ‘right’ things…..so I didn’t really think twice about spending the holiday together!
And then gosh…our governor did his daily 4pm broadcast and he informed Kentucky that he is highly recommending that gatherings be limited to eight people, and a maximum of two households. He said this:
“Since March 6 – the day Kentucky had its first confirmed case – we have been under attack and at war with the coronavirus. It has upended our routines, damaged our economy, threatened our children’s education and taken far too many lives,” Gov. Beshear said. “Now, it is time for Kentucky’s third counterattack on the coronavirus. Let me be clear about a few things. This is not, and will not be, a shutdown. Our economy is open, and there will be no closings based on essential or nonessential services. But today we are announcing significant, but surgical and targeted steps designed to slow the spread of the virus and protect our people.”
That night, everyone decided that cancelling this year’s Kentucky Thanksgiving was the right thing to do, as much as it hurts to say and process that. My heart sunk for Asa…it sunk for my sweet niece who turns 13 on November 24 and who cannot have a party to celebrate…it sunk for our city and our people, period. Our kids MISS school. We miss seeing our co-workers and having that normalcy and routine in our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I have LOVED working from home in my sweatpants and fuzzy socks most days…but 251 days is a lot. And I KNOW we could have it worse. I KNOW our situation could be horrendous. I am THANKFUL that we have had our careers during this time and that we haven’t worried about unemployment or how the shut downs necessarily affect or don’t affect us. But my heart is still TIRED.
Pandemic fatigue is a REAL THING. Heavy hearts is a real thing. It’s okay to be and feel blessed, and to also be WORN OUT. I shared in my Instagram stories yesterday some of this (minus the breakdown part because I hadn’t HAD it yet… bless….) and I had some really sweet feedback. It was obvious I’m not the only feeling this way. I’ve also muted a LOT of Instagram accounts and hid things from my Facebook wall. I’ve realized now probably more than ever, my heart needs boundaries and it needs to be protected. Some people will post graphics and memes and such HARSH opinions ALL throughout their platforms and Y’all, it brings me DOWN. Thank God for the mute button. I still love my friends and it’s okay to follow people with different opinions and views (how lame would it be if we all THOUGHT the same exact way on every single issue and topic?!?) but I can’t do all the hate and bashing and one sided opinions.
So there ya have it, friends! That’s where I’M at. How are YOU?? How have your plans this holiday season changed (or not changed?) If you need someone to share frustrations or camaraderie with, always know you can email me. We can sit in it together. And Mamas? If you’re one who has freaked out recently (or ever), just know you ALSO are not alone. Or the worst mom ever.
PS: Please just be a good neighbor. Whether that’s wearing a mask, social distancing, waving from across the street or through a window…just BE a good neighbor. We are all in this together. Less fighting, less shaming, less preaching, more loving. Please.
