Mom, What Are You Scared Of?

In our house, we rotate bedtimes. Honest to goodness since the time they were no longer breastfeeding, my husband and I have switched on and off. If he puts Reese down, I put Pierson down. Sometimes there's the nights where that can't happen; I'll be shooting a wedding or have photography sessions for instance and Asa will do them both--or we'll flip flop because one kiddo has requested the other parent. But 95% of the time I think it's pretty routine that we just switch. 

Recently it was my turn with Pierson. Tis' the season for all things Halloween, so he set out ALL the books that he had related to this holiday. We decided on Happy Halloween Little Critter, and before we began he rolled closer to me and asked, "Mom, what are YOU scared of?" 

I could have told him that I used to be deathly afraid of praying mantis, (ahem, still am) or how I still fear pretty much ALL living creatures besides dolphins in the ocean...but I kind of froze. I decided to just matter of factly say, "Well, Buddy--most adults aren't really scared of things such as the dark, or monsters, or spooky things like that; we're more afraid of other things. I guess what I'm scared of is being a bad mom." 

He straight up laughed, y'all!

"MOM!" he giggled. "You're not a BAD mom! That's just silly!" 

And in that moment, I believed him. Five years of his life have come and went. His babyhood is a blur. I remember finding out I was pregnant with him, being excited that we would have a summer baby. I remember his first birthday, and trick or treating indoors when he was two because it was pouring out; he knocked on all the doors with his cousins and screamed "trick or treat!" I remember being terrified that I would break him. Surely my lack of knowledge in the motherhood department would at some point just utterly FAIL, and he wouldn't turn out okay. 

Except that he did... and he has. And while his babyhood is a blur, his childhood is becoming a raw and vivid memory because that's the season we are in. I sit here and I wonder, in their short amount of time--their four and five years of living on this Earth, will they remember the wrongs? 

I doubt any child remembers their youth as being perfect (because parents are human, and WE, are human). But lately I've wondered, how will they remember me? Pierson is my sensitive soul. If I raise my voice even a smidge, he winces and closes his eyes. I didn't lay a finger ON him, yet somehow his heart is shattered and his feelings are in disarray all over the ground. And then there's his sister, who I for the life of me and honest to God, cannot figure out. She can be so head strong and so TOUGH, and most days it doesn't feel as if anything I say or do affects her whatsoever. Can you guess what that translates to for me...? 

Anger. 

A LOT of anger. I often feel that my life is a permanent profession of redirecting and saying phrases like, "Please stop. DON'T do that. You NEED to listen. You need to go to time out. Okay, I'm done. NO!" And then I remind myself--I am currently teaching kindergarten through fifth grades AND I have a four and a five year old at home. Oh, hello! 

But this really isn't about her--or him. It's about moms. And the fact that I think there are a LOT of you who are scared of being bad at your job. But the truth is, you aren't. I just bought Jen Hatmaker's newest book, "Of Mess and Moxie," and it arrived at THE perfect time. She said this, which I just loved: 

"Friends...I believe we can take a handful of things quite seriously as parents and take the rest less seriously, and it is all going to be okay. You are doing an amazing job. Your children know that they are loved and have felt it all these years deeply, intrinsically. If we get seven out of ten things mostly right as moms, we are winning the majority, and the majority wins the race." (Pg 17). 

It's actually taken me over a month to finish this post, because guess what, today we just set up our CHRISTMAS TREE. No, Thanksgiving hasn't even passed, but I'm a blogger and our family LOVES Christmas so yeah, we're way early. But the truth is, this fear of mine hasn't changed. I think it was ingrained in me before my son ever entered this world and I'm not certain that it will ever go away. But maybe it's okay to be a little scared. Maybe it's okay that we STRIVE for goodness--that we don't give up, that we keep going, that we keep praying, and disciplining, and hugging, and crying. 

Maybe it's okay that we want to be good moms. And maybe it's okay that sometimes we are scared. 

What You Don't Know About Bad Kids

I guess you could call me a jack of all trades kinda gal. Not in the sense that I am an excellent cook, house cleaner, repairman type of lady--but I do a lot of different things professionally. You know me as a blogger, a social media influencer, and/or professional photographer...but the one that I don't talk too much about here, is that I am a full time special education teacher.

It has actually been seven years that I've been in the classroom. After undergrad, I got my Masters degree in special education, with a specialty in emotional behavior disabilities (as well as learning disabilities). My sister in law worked (still works) at a children's' psychiatric facility and after subbing there several times, I knew that's where I wanted to be too. I was drawn to the type of students that were there, and I felt as if it would be there I could make the most difference in children's' lives. Flash forward some, and that's exactly where I ended up.

To me there is a really big difference between kids who grow up having resources, who live in safe and loving homes, compared to those who have been in and out of foster care and who haven't been shown what appropriate and safe love looks like. The word 'bad kid' gets tossed around both in social circles and really, in society as a whole. Are either kid, those who have 'normal' lives and those that don't, bad? No, I don't think that's the proper word to use; but I want to take some time to talk about the latter of our youth--the ones who are shifted from family to family, who don't have a stable home, and how really I believe society has no idea WHY these children are demonstrating 'bad' behaviors.

A homeless child is one who doesn't have a regular or fixed nighttime residence, so that means kids who are not living with their parents, or legal guardians; and those who live in shelters, hotels, who transition from juvenile justice programs, and between foster care. As of 2015, Kentucky was actually ranked as being one of the worst states for youth homelessness. I really had NO idea what this meant or rather, what it looked like, until I had my first [that I KNEW of] homeless student. Every single day, he came into my classroom angry, looking to pick fights with peers, finding ways to be defiant with me, and he was rarely ever interested in school work. I never knew until one day I asked him to come out in the hallway with me to speak privately. "How are you doing, Man?" I asked him. "Eh, I'm okay. My mom is getting a new van which will be better to sleep in." "Sleep in??" I asked. "Yeah, we just have a four passenger car right now and I can't sleep."

Here I was, teaching a math lesson [I remember it well], and getting frustrated that this student wasn't paying attention...and he didn't have a BED to sleep in. He was in fourth grade, y'all...already labeled as an EBD kid (emotional behavioral disorder), and yet we wonder WHY some of our youth act up? I know how nice of a person I am when my sleep gets cut short in my own plush, comfortable bed...let me tell you how great I would do sleeping in a CAR.

In a 2013 article it was recorded that the amount of kids in my county who do NOT have a place to call home, would fill 176 school buses. There were over 12,000 students recorded as being homeless during the 2011-2012 school year, and that the percentages range from 4% to 26% within the district and their different regions. Let's hope that numbers have changed drastically since that information is five years old, but I didn't do extensive research. Are behaviors chalked up to only the homeless kids though?

My husband is also a teacher; he specialized in the same field, but he works in a regular school setting. (Whereas I am technically in a special school within the district, if that's confusing.) He has a second grade student who was left home alone ALL night, while her mom went to work. The student was told 'to go to bed,' and that her grandfather would pick her up in the morning. Do you think this eight year old slept well that night? Or came into my husband's classroom ready to do SCHOOL work? What about the child who was locked in a cage for most of his early life? He was fed through bars, locked in the dimly lit basement, and abused when he was out of it. Probably many of you have read the well-known book A Child Called It? Did you know that that book is not so far removed from reality of today's youth? 

Before I became a teacher and was put face to face with the students such as these, I had NO idea. My education was fairly nondescript, not in a bad way at all. I just mean that I don't really remember my classmates having aggression or fits of rage or mood swings or opposition towards teachers. That doesn't mean it wasn't there, it just means I wasn't exposed to it. My personal childhood wasn't perfect, but I was deeply loved and because of that, I built resilience towards the things that I faced in life. Many of the students I have are enduring trauma time and time and time again, and their developing brains are NOT able to build resilience. Most people are able to adapt to life-changing situations or stressful circumstances because they have a healthy dose of resilience; but this is something that requires time and effort, and a process that involves numerous steps. Relationships that foster love and trust is one of the number one ways to help boost an individual's resilience--so think about the children who know nothing about this. Having positive role models who offer encouragement and reassurance is another important step--and what if your role model was a drug addict, or a guardian who never built you up? 

I recently heard someone say, "Oh he's just bad," in regards to a former student, and honestly, that's what triggered this post. Even my students will apologize in sentences such as, "I'm sorry I was bad, Mrs. Glass." Or say, "My goal today is to not be bad." We have conversations OFTEN about how each and every child that is in my classroom is not a BAD child. Whether or not you choose to believe the phrase, 'there's no such thing as a bad child,' from the bottom of my heart, I think over half of struggling children are the products of their environments. Really aren't we all? Each child has the strength and resilience to overcome their environment, but the sad reality is that most do not realize their strength until it is too late. Part of my calling is to teach children how to overcome the obstacles life throws at them--much like a parent is supposed to do. 

Maybe you are a parent, like me. And maybe you too are a fellow teacher. Wherever you are and no matter your role, I encourage you to re-think the adjective 'bad,' and as hard as it is (coming from experience) try to be more patient with a struggling child. Some of us may NEVER know the type of environment a child is being raised in, but I can tell you that for too many, it isn't a good one. 

**There are no bad children. There are bad choices. There are bad moments. There are bad situations. But there are no bad children. Period." -L.R. Knost "The Gentle Parent."

The Case of the No Naps

Moms, have you literally forgotten everything that happened with your first born child, now that you have multiple? Because I promise you, I remember almost nothing. First steps, I know they happened the day before his first birthday. I remember he was 25 months old when he was completely potty trained (day-time that is). I remember he was the easiest babe to break of the binky. And I'm fairly certain he was the most perfect sleeper, ever. 

But that can't be 100% accurate. Because I also remember texting my sweet friend and soul sister Jerrica with a million sleep and nap questions; she too, was a "Babywise Mom." That means we scheduled our kiddos and had a pretty good grip on when they would sleep and when they wouldn't. I know that he napped like an angel (babysitters, DID HE?!?!) up until just recently, and he just turned FIVE. 

But if you were really asking me to remember all these details....well, I can't! I'm currently in this stage of nap regressions with our dear sweet daughter. She turns four in two very short months, and she is a monkey see monkey do kinda gal. (Lord, help.) She knows that her big brother doesn't nap daily anymore, and constantly asks, "Well, is Pierson going to play quietly in his room or will he be resting in BED?????" Telling her not to worry about her brother and to just worry about herself, well, that doesn't fly. 

I've always wanted to be the sweet and soften spoken mom. The one who never yells or who doesn't fly off the handle. The mom who gently lulls her anti-napping toddler to sleep. Or who is extremely patient with said toddler when she doesn't even lay down to TRY to sleep. But guys, I fail at this *MISERABLY.* There's like: strike one, strike two, strike three, strike ZERO, NOW I'M SCREAMING, and no, I haven't given too many chances because I'm totally exaggerating here to NOT make myself seem like a total lunatic. And now I'm sitting over here all like, "HOW is she ever going to nap in preschool?? They SAID that ALL the kids lie on their mats and just sleep. But there is no way in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks that this will happen?!?!?!" First of all, Reese turns four a month after she'll start preschool, which means she will be four in the three's room. Surely there'll be other four year olds present who are in the same situation as her? But to say I'm a little worried and stressed over this thought is kinda an understatement. 

My husband likes to reassure me (by not reassuring me) that it just won't be my problem. She'll be in preschool, not ME, and there is really absolutely nothing that I can do.

Okay...............thanks?

I am betting there will be like 300 of you who tell me that your child has never napped. So all I'm going to say here is that I am SO SORRY. I really wouldn't mind the no nap thing, IF I wasn't starting back to work in three weeks, where she'll be in brand new circumstances and settings. Her grandmother will watch her two days in our home, and I'm also not looking forward to how Reese is going to test those buttons on those days, either. Maybe those will just HAVE to be her 'no napping' days? But how do you do that.........? 

Has anyone else ever admitted that raising toddlers is a crapshoot? Who am I kidding, it's a shit shoot. (Sorry, Mom!) It's just a total mess where there are days you have no idea what you're doing, WHY you're having these battles, where you haven't looked in a mirror all day, and you are drinking coffee at two-thirty in the afternoon INSTEAD of lunch, because you just want to sit and BE. I sound like I'm complaining big time don't I? But did you know on the other side of this fence that I am sitting, there is this woman who is about to cry big giant puddles of tears because BOTH of her children are starting school in three weeks?? 

I looked at my five year in the car today in my rearview mirror and saw him just sitting all properly in his booster seat, looking out the window with his insanely long legs dangling off the seat. And in that moment, I got all choked up. This KID, my first born, is FIVE. And my daughter?? The one who is currently undressing herself in bed and getting really frustrated that she can't put the shirt back on correctly (yes, daughter, I can SEE YOU)--well, she's my BABY. I've always called her my baby baby, and here we are, approaching her FOURTH birthday. 

A couple realizations: 
-I'm getting old
-and motherhood is a constant lesson, teaching me ALL the things about selflessness, SELFISHness, grace, laughter, sorrow, and love. 

The case of the no naps have officially arrived. But I suppose this too, shall pass. 

*Dear daughter, my baby baby, who is NOW currently upstairs throwing books off your bed...I love you more than there are words. Thank YOU for still choosing to love ME, even when dear old mom sometimes loses it.*

Kissing the SAHM Life Goodbye: My Thoughts and Prayers

Well y'all, as quickly as my time off began, it's now quickly coming to an end. Feeling emotional while the kids nap [does that happen to you??], I went back and read some old posts of mine. It literally feels like yesterday that I was counting down until Christmas break and looking forward to the months I would be blessed to stay home with my kids. Now here we are...I go back to my classroom in TWO weeks [only for four days, and then it will be summer vacation], and I'm like, "HOW!??!" 

Lastnight in bed, I started to pray. I apologized because honestly, it's been a little too long since I had a sincere heart to heart with the Lord; and I just asked for guidance. Previously I had said during this season, I had wanted to write more, get more serious about the blog, and book more sessions--and guess what? That just didn't really happen. I did a few sessions sure, and I have a few weddings in the coming year, but I wasn't slammed. And when I opened my laptop to write, usually I couldn't find the words or motivation to get my fingers moving. This has been a season of motherhood, and as I sit and reflect, I am so grateful for that. 

I'm a good teacher. I've taught for six years, in a self-contained elementary classroom; teaching all subjects, and meeting HUNDREDS of children along the way. I love fifth graders especially, their humor and sarcasm [or attempts anyway] and when they really start digging deep to figure out who they are. I LOVE teaching writing and inspiring kids TO write. I like interacting with my co-workers and having adult conversations. But at the same time, the thought of working a five day a week job again...it really makes me sad. 

My son Pierson will start kindergarten in August [THREE months from now, ahhhh!] and our sweet Reese will be all by herself. She's never known a day without her brother, and she definitely hasn't been away from him all day every day! We don't yet have a sitter for her, and it makes me SO emotional to think that I won't be the one with her each day. Especially her by herself, will be SO fun; she'll be four in September and her personality is just bursting with greatness each and every day. What I wouldn't give to do preschool lessons and 'field trips' with my baby girl. But it's just not the case. 

I asked God to give me this time to focus on being Mom, and He answered. Back in November, I wrote this:

There is one thing that I DO know though...that I need this time with my kids. With my son going to kindergarten August 2017, I know that I will be so thankful for these next few months. We aren't sure when our daughter will start school, as our school district just changed the date and age kids need to be when they enroll; so as of now, she may start the year right after him, or she may have to wait two years. Regardless of what happens, if I go back to work full time, part time, or WHATEVER, having these coming months to focus more on being MOM, sounds so wonderful.

The last four months, I definitely focused on being Mom. I think, and have to trust, that God wants me back in the classroom for a while longer. I don't think it's unfeasible that I'll be able to get more paying jobs and possibly in the future get the chance to stay home again, but that time is not now. Reese will definitely be home next year, but we aren't sure yet about the following. If there's a chance she can enroll in kindergarten early, we may look into that because she is SO intelligent, especially socially. But if she does stay home for two years, *maybe* I'll get to stay home again the second year?  

I had written another post back in December about my goals during this time off. It was pretty humbling to re-read them today, so let me share with you how those have panned out ;) 

1. Eat breakfast [at the table] with the kids and read a devotional while they eat
2. wash my face and everyone's teeth [maybe throw in a shower?] ;) 
3. start a routine of school work with them / letters, sight words, science projects, SOMETHING...
4. read aloud daily, other than at nap/bed time
5. go for a walk or play out back before naps
6. if laundry gets done, put it AWAY. this never happens [am i the only one?]
7. eat lunch. be healthy. take care of me. 
8. if i don't make it to the gym, do at least one Suzanne Bowen workout a week
9. write for at least 15 minutes a day, whether journaling or in this space
10. cook/prepare 1 meal a week, since my husband is THE chef of the household

Basically, I never cooked a meal... I think I did once? Tacos or something? No wait, I also made a meatloaf and mashed potato dish. Sorry, Babe! I DID brush my teeth daily (you're welcome!) and for the first few months, we were in a great swing of 'school' in the morning. We focused on letters the first several weeks and did fun crafts with things that started with whichever letter (like 'P' we made and designed pizzas and talked about penguins and popcorn, etc.) We went to the park a lot, rarely out back though. I have been *pretty* good about laundry, even putting it away, though this hasn't religiously happened and I do often ask for my husband's help if we let it get away from us during the week. I definitely did not work out, other than running, but that goal was made before I ran the mini marathon so maybe that one isn't a fail? And I didn't write daily...as much as I wish I had. During the kids' naps I was often tired and accepted the fact that it was OKAY to lie down or just rest! 

I'm pretty good at NOT knowing what the future looks like. But it's been really humbling and a huge eye-opener, that I can always look back and see how God answered prayer and opened or closed doors. A year ago I was dreaming of staying home, unsure if it would ever happen, and then look. Then, I prayed for some quiet and a season of stillness, and that's what I'm currently living! Though it's hard, and definitely bittersweet, I am surrendering my future yet again to Him. 

Pierson will do great in kindergarten. Reese will be well cared for and loved. I will make a difference in the classroom. And everything is going to be just fine. 

That was my little benediction to myself, but in all seriousness, I could use your prayers and well wishes. I literally do NOT know where the time went. The saying, "The days are long but years are short," is beyond true. Some days have been so hard, but I wouldn't have traded them for anything in the world!