The Tortuous Twenties and a Big Cheers to 29

Tortuous: full of twists and turns; which is a REALLY great way to describe my twenties. Birthdays are always a super reflective time for me, and this one is no different. Turning twenty-nine, how did that happen? I remember turning twenty-SEVEN like it was yesterday; and feeling like I had all the time in the world to turn (heaven forbid) THIRTY. Well, time is flying by perhaps quicker than ever, and I have one year left in my twenties. So, how have have the 'twenties' been? 

I turned twenty-one just three months after saying "I do" to my sweet and loving husband. In my wildest dreams, I wouldn't have planned on marrying so young, but God writes the love story, amen? Some of my happiest memories are when we lived in our first apartment on Fourth Street in Old Louisville. We had the whole first floor and I remember thinking that two bedroom space was HUGE. With it's dark [and dingy] hardwoods, the bars over the windows [yes, for real], and the beautiful giant windows that overlooked the street. We had NO back yard, but the dogs adapted well and we went on walks almost daily around Central Park and St. James Court, which was also the first place my husband told me he loved me when we were dating. We were so poor. But every Thursday we managed to afford cheap Chinese takeout and watched Grey's Anatomy on the couch, surrounded by the comfort of lit candles and giant dogs; just happy. We remember a couple times needing to have our parents bail out us financially, but not once did they ever complain or give us a hard time for being so young and unprepared.

Around twenty-three I started to have a mild panic over the fact that I desperately wanted to be pregnant and have a baby, but for my whole life, had been in denial about that. I would cry when I had a period and when my friend's were getting pregnant and sweet Asa said, "You know you kinda have to come off the PILL for this to happen?" So I did. And five months later, Pierson was conceived. A baby at age twenty-four, and again at twenty-five (y'all know that was NOT planned), it felt kind of crazy to be done having kids in my mid twenties; still does actually. Sometimes I'm like, "Aw MAN! I could so have a third!" but at this point, that would a.) be a miracle and b.) I really believe God designed this plan just how it is. Unless He decides to surprise the heck out of us in the years to come with a dream of adopting or a miracle of conception, ha. (I wouldn't put it past Him!) 

We bought our first house before Pierson came, and we've been here for six years. That too feels surreal that we've been home owners for so long, and that we were SO blessed by the one we chose. (I think it chose us though, in all honesty.) The walks we did around this park as we prayed to God for guidance and direction, and the kneeling in the front entryway, with the house entirely empty, asking for His protection and will with what would happen here. And look! We've brought TWO babies home to this house! We've painted and added some nice touches to the backyard, we've had a garden for years, and the kids live for swimming in giant kiddy pools in the summertime. 

But it hasn't been all sunshine and roses, and there were some ROUGH awakenings in my twenties. Like when I started doubting my marriage and was turning to other people for validation in who I was. When I listened to the world telling me that if I wasn't happy, just quit, because it's all about me. When my body went through years of hormonal imbalances that then led to emotional, physical, and spiritual ones.  

But all of those then negative and heart wrenching experiences led to some really amazing awakenings. Like the sun beaming down after a terrible (and long) storm, I began to see the shift in who I was becoming. 

Marriage: It's not always smothered in butterflies and fireworks of romantic explosions. Every single day, you change as an individual. Your husband isn't who he was when he married you and you are not the same woman. The annoyances will change as time goes on; roles and expectations shift, and hey, let's just be real: what you once used to like in the bedroom, well maybe you won't anymore! A marriage takes work, a heck ton of communication, and choices, always, that should conclude with putting your spouses needs above yours. I've never heard anyone say that it's easy, because it's not. But marriage is the greatest blessing of my life and my husband will always come first.

Friendships: they come and go in seasons. I've realized (finally) that if a friendship isn't working; if it's not a mutual give and take, that's okay. Sometimes if it leaves, LET IT. My happiness doesn't depend on other people investing or not investing in me. Don't waste hours of life wondering what someone else is thinking (or not thinking) about you. There's an ebb and flow with friendships, and I'm holding tighter to the ones that matter. That being said, I believe in fighting for what and who you believe in. I learned wonders from the book Uninvited, and if you haven't yet read that, I really think you need to.

Self-Image: forever a give and take of giving myself grace. Our bodies are continuously changing. Our skin, muscle loss or gain, weight fluctuation, stretch marks, spider veins; LOTS of things, all the time. I've learned that my number one motivation is to be healthy so that hopefully, I can live a long and healthy life. I want to be able to watch my grandkids be born and play with them. Drinking lots of water is something I'm terrible at, but I'm trying. And working out is also something I've never consistently done until the last couple of years. Telling myself that I'm strong, because I am, is crucial. I never want my children to hear me verbally express dislike for myself and Asa and I refuse to say the words fat or big or ugly. I'm not thrilled with every inch of myself, but I leave those conversations for the privacy of Asa and I; not my son and daughter. I ran the furthest I've ran (7 miles) at twenty-eight. I don't know if I'll be able to continue running (I hope to) but regardless, I was completely shocked that I could do that and felt incredibly empowered. Twenty-eight was a GOOD year. [Update since I'm behind on posting this, I ran NINE miles at twenty-nine! Ha!! The day after my 29th birthday, I actually RAN nine miles without stopping. Isn't God awesome?!]

On love: I talked about marriage and friendships, but I learned a lot about love as a whole during my twenties. The biggest part, is that I AM LOVED. The word Beloved has become one of my very favorites and is near and dear to my heart [hence my Beloved Woman SERIES], but really and truly, I know that I am a very loved woman. As a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend; God is so good. And I know that He whispers to me daily, "My dear, you are MY beloved, and I created you to be JUST who you are." I am so thankful for this lesson and while I am still learning and definitely growing in resting in this love--it was here in my twenties that I have found so much peace. 

Here's to a new year, y'all. Some of you reading may scoff (she's only 29??) and others of you are thinking, "oh goodness, I have SO much longer until I am that old!" Ha ha!! Life is weird. And funny. And good. And I love all of you. Thanks for celebrating another year of life with me. The night of my birthday, I plan on playing laser tag with my closest friends, and then ending the night w/ food and a campfire in our backyard. It's basically a 12-year old's birthday party, but hey, don't be jeally. 

Thanks to my amazing photographer husband for taking these of the me and the kids. And thanks to one of my VERY best friends, Tim Burri, for my fabulous gold balloons! 

Feel Great While You Sleep: Featuring Boll and Branch

My husband and I have joked that sometimes we don't feel like we have a real grown-up bedroom...however, I think we're getting there and finally making progress, and let me just tell you how much of a part Boll and Branch had in helping with this. Previously, we, probably much like many of you, tried to simply shop for affordable bedding sets, instead of really looking at true quality. Our lives were changed when we got our set from Boll and Branch and now I just want to go and buy ten more sets of everything! 

This company sells directly online to the consumer, saving money and eliminating the cost of a middleman or retail space. They also know the exact origin where their cotton comes from, and guarantee that their products are completely pure and chemical free. You can check out their incredibly inspiring story here to read further and get to know them a little better! 

My husband feels so antsy when furniture or rooms stay the same over consecutive months, so we have two ways in which we always rearrange our bedroom. From the photos above, that's usually my preference lighting wise; I love the white wall and the I Choose You poster that hangs above our bed. It also gives more walking space when you first enter the bedroom, but it also leaves us with no access to bedside tables, which can be a pain. If you're curious what the bedding you see above is called, let me help you out a little: 

Hemmed Pewter Duvet Cover
Hemmed White Sheet Set
Hemmed White Pillowcases
Antique White Cable Knit Throw

Our bedroom, believe it or not (ha!), is also the favorite hang out place for the kids AND our zoo of a pet family. The kids love to read in mama's bed and the dogs [and cats] obviously know as soon as fresh bedding is on and can tell a significant difference in the quality as WELL--getting them OFF has been a challenge. We arranged the room for another set of photos, and I'll tell you below what's different in these! 

Can you tell my daughter didn't want to be away from me the day these photos were taken? God love my husband and his patience. I also love the arrangement of our bed like this, our windows overlook the beautiful park, and we're able to use our bedside tables without tripping over them. The duvet and sheets are the same in these pictures, but we added Euro Pillows and used the throw a little more. 

Banded White/Pewter Euro Shams
 

Now that I have a new laptop (my old one hasn't functioned properly at ALL in the last few years!) and I'm no longer confined to my dining room office nook; I am LOVING using the bed to write, edit, and Pinterest all the live long day!  

Really and truly, I am honored to have found and worked with Boll and Branch. We spent some time talking on the phone and I learned so many great details of the back story behind the brand. The owners and founders, Missy and Scott Tannen, are incredible people, and their employees are just as great. If you're on the hunt for new bedding (or even towels and bath linens!!) do not look ANY further. And if you have questions about this post, PLEASE e-mail me. I can't stress the authenticity behind this post enough, we now LOVE our bed! 

When You're All She Needs

Let me preface with saying that I don't have this all figured out. You know, this whole 'mothering' thing. It's one of my dreams to be able to write a book and when people ask, "About what?" I usually respond with, "That's the problem, I'm not quite sure." Being Mom is one of my greatest passions, but in their mere three and four years, I don't feel like I have quite enough to say to write a BOOK. Perhaps I'll get there though, simply with documenting and sorting out thoughts here? Time will tell. 

Anyway, since I have been home with my kids, no longer working a Monday-Friday eight hour day, things look vastly different from what they did. Our kids have always had an in-home sitter, albeit a few different ones over the years, but they've never had to be cared for outside of the home. [Minus the first few months of Pierson's life when my generous mother-in-law watched him.] Both kids have always been fine with us working, because that's all they've ever known. Leaving and coming home, no tears or fussing or emotional messes, but that's all changed. My daughter Reese is three and a half. She is bold and daring and brave and adventurous, but another side has appeared since I've been home--and that's her anxious side. To us, it doesn't make sense; we are baffled, confused, frustrated and often emotionally exhausted because of her lately drastic tantrums. "Over what?" you may wonder. Well she's not having tantrums and whining about toys, clothing, or food... 

She's anxious about me. 

Heaven forbid Mom leave her sight, especially once her dad comes home. Maybe she feels the need to compete for my attention when he walks in the door? I'm not really sure what she is feeling because she can't communicate well enough about that specifically yet. She's bright as can be and actually socially advanced for her age; but when I ask, "Reese, why don't want Daddy to put you down?" she responds with, "Because I want YOU, Mommy." 

Recently I turned to Facebook, (what else do you do as a Mom in this era?) and made a general status inquiry. Any other moms' kids have anxiety when away from them? And by golly, you better believe it was a ten for ten YES. Today I went to a Moms' Day Out group with a friend and not knowing more than half of the women, I decided to ask the same question. Pretty much all of them have had or have something similar going on with their kids; usually in the 2-3.5 age range, but none of us could really pinpoint WHY. Why is it always mom? At least with one of the kids? My son definitely still prefers me with some of our routines, but I think that's just how children are wired in their chemistry? Maybe I'm wrong, but I really feel like all the kids I know want their mamas at bedtime, mama to tuck them in one more, mama to check on them in the middle of the night. But he's at least better about my husband DOING things for and with him. 

Like giving him a bath. Taking him out of the bath. Brushing his hair. Getting dressed. Getting put to bed. You get the point. 

But my DAUGHTER won't have it. When I'm home and physically present in some room of the house, she begs and pleads and let's just call it for what it is--she DEMANDS me. "Mommy come in and give me a bath. Mommy get me out of the bath! Mommy brush my hair. Mommy put my jammies on. Mommy put me down." 

I actually wrote a post in January 2016 titled Mommy Put Me Down, and here we are, one year later, and it might actually be "worse?" Worse isn't the word perhaps, I just mean it's increased, and there's an anxiety about her that hasn't quite been there before; or at least that had gone unnoticed? There's something about me being home, that translates in her mind, while I am physically in the house, I should never be away from her. If I'm downstairs finishing things up or tidying up dinner for example, she checks with my husband constantly, asking, "When will Mommy be up? When will Mommy be done?" 

My mom says that I was this way as a kid as well. I had a lot of anxiety and always wanted to be near her. But she always thought it was because she was gone a lot to take my brother who has special needs, to things like doctor appointments or school meetings, etc; and I was always nervous about when she'd come back. Well, I don't have obligations like that? I'm here, all the time, and Reese doesn't ever have to worry about the places I need to be. And actually, when I DO have things like photo sessions or meetings out of the house, she does fine. The childcare at the gym? She doesn't bat an eye. She gives me an extra hug or two but loudly yells, "Bye, Mommy!! I love you, Mommy!" and goes on to play. It's just HOME. And when she knows I am here, she doesn't think she needs anyone else. 

She needs me. 

If you're reading this and nodding your head; if you're like, "Oh yes, this is how it is in my household too," then maybe we just need to lean in on each other. I think about the children who lose their mothers at a young age, and those thoughts freeze me emotionally. I don't want my children to suffer with anxiety. I don't want them to deal with grief or trauma or turmoil. But I don't get to decide that. I don't pick and choose life events, I don't have a clue the experiences they will go through. 

All I can do is be enough. When you are all she (or he) needs, just be there. I'm twenty-eight and clearly I don't suffer from separation anxiety from my mom; but I do still NEED her. I'm not sure if other adult women talk to their moms as often as I do, but I sure hope and pray that Reese will need me the way I need mine when SHE'S all grown up! 

This season is hard. It really feels like we are in the trenches of parenting Reese, and constantly I pray that God would teach me how to be EXACTLY the mom she needs. A lady from the group this morning shared something SO powerful I wanted to tell you all about. She said her eight-year old recently has been struggling with extreme anxiety when they have to be apart. She's read a lot of books and said she's always been the mom who ravishes her girls for being strong and brave and bold; but that she doesn't spend a lot of time focusing on them also being beautiful. That's kind of the generation we are currently in I think, because most of us women are like, "You're pretty but that doesn't matter! Look how SMART you are!" In a recent book she read, she learned something new that drastically gave her sweet daughter peace. This woman said she sat down with her daughter in a recent panic episode, and told her this: 

"You are brave and smart, you are kind, and wonderful. You are beautiful and you are LOVED."

I almost started to cry when she shared, because what a benediction of sorts those words are. Inside all of us [ME included!] there's something that needs to be reminded of those two things: beauty + love. Maybe Reese needs me to be more patient and understanding when she goes into a panic. Maybe I too, should remind her of all the GOOD truths that she is. Perhaps it is necessary that as a 3-year old, she is told OFTEN not only how great she is, but also how beautiful and LOVED. Maybe she needs more words of affirmation than I give? 

Maybe she just needs me. 

And today I'm breathing a little easier telling myself that that may be okay. It might be tiring (exhausting) and I may want to hand her off to someone else so I can have a 'break,' but it won't always be this way. Not to this extreme. And I want nothing else than my baby girl to always want to lean on me. 

**Mamas of young ones, do you have experiences similar to this? Do you have any tips or suggestions for putting your little ones at ease over being away from you? I'd love to hear from you, so comment below or shoot me an email [in my contact page!] As always, thanks for reading, thanks for being here with me, and I pray you find peace and comfort wherever you are in this stage of life!**

The BEST Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies.

I think I bake cookies every month, if not every couple of weeks. Especially when it's cold or raining, but then again...I also love to open the windows and bake when the sunlight is pouring in too, so I suppose I bake as often as I can. Anyone else guilty of this?! The only *dilemma* is that my kids also LOVE to bake, and the thing is, they think they're really helping. And they're not. I feel like my life is a constant, "Reese, not yet," or, "Pierson, just be patient," while I juggle reading instructions, measuring ingredients, and helping them not dump flour and sugar all over the floor. But it's cute. And these memories are priceless, so lo and behold, we bake together often. 

Here's the recipe for my absolute favorite oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, adapted from Liv for Cake's blog: 

Ingredients
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt [I always eyeball this]
1 c unsalted butter at room temp [mine's typically colder than room temp but I warm it up a few seconds in the microwave and they turn out delish nonetheless]
1 c light brown sugar packed
1/4 c granulated sugar
2 eggs room temperature [I always pull from fridge because I forget to set them out!] 
2 tsp vanilla extract
3 c rolled oats
2 c chocolate chips [I usually end up pouring in a whole lot more.....oops]

Directions

-In a medium bowl, whisk flour, cinnamon, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.
-In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat butter and sugars on med-high until pale and fluffy (approx. 3 minutes).
-Add eggs one at a time, fully incorporating after each addition, and beat on high for 1 minute. -Add vanilla.
-Turn mixer to low and add flour mixture, mix until combined.
-Add the oats and chocolate chips. Mix until just combined.
-Chill dough in the fridge for an hour (optional, and I did 30 minutes)
-Preheat oven to 350F and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
-Using a small cookie scoop, place cookies on baking sheet 2" apart.
-Bake for 8 mins or until edges are lightly browned but center is still soft and unset.
-Cool for 5 minutes on baking sheet, then transfer to cooling rack to cool.

I could eat these for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner. And honestly, I had two for my breakfast this morning. Make them, share how they turned out, and have fun baking!! 

PS: I never put raisins in these. I love the texture from the oats, but I don't particularly care for an oatmeal RAISIN cookies, so I just use a ton of chocolate chips instead ;)