When You Don't Feel Ready

How did you know you were ready?

Have you heard that before? In relation to having children, or settling on your degree, or getting married; this is a common question I often hear. And honestly? It's a question I still ask myself in relation to a LOT of things. 

I recently listened to Dale Partidge's Startup Camp podcast and he was interviewing Pastor Steven Furtick. I had a long drive from Louisville to Wilmore, Kentucky and I turned it on right as my behind was getting super sore, my eyes a little fuzzy, and when I needed a boost of energy for the miles to go. 

'You will NEVER feel ready', was one of the many quotes that I audibly and to myself, agreed with. Dale related this to the day they were being released from the hospital with their first child and I laughed. My husband and I often remember this exact day and moment for us with our first born, Pierson. "We get to just take him HOME? And no one is going to stop us?" We felt slightly panicked and nervous; there was no user manual or 'one right way' that we would parent this boy. We didn't know anything about breastfeeding or burping or which of his cries meant what. We just had to DO it--be parents. Day by day, hour by hour, and as we buckled him in the carseat [seriously SHOCKED that no one was standing by to ensure that we were doing it correctly], that was just the beginning of the scares and thrills of parenting we'd endure. He hasn't even started kindergarten yet, I can only imagine the things we are about to experience. 

How did we know we were ready to have kids? We didn't. Because we still aren't ready. We aren't ready for the failures we'll endure, the heart ache they'll go through, or the immeasurable amounts of money that will be spent on them as the years pass by. We don't feel ready, but we can still trust. And I think God says, sweetly, not vindictively, "Daughter, just you wait." 

Beyond children and the typical scenarios this question is most often related to, in my heart of hearts there's something that I don't quite feel ready for--even though I'm already doing it: 

this. 

This season of quiet; this season of being still. The waiting, listening, praying, and being more present and open than ever. 

When I talk dreams to my husband, I tell him that it's like having a million little houses placed all around my brain. There's the photographer house, blogger, writer, mom, wife, teacher... the travel house, michigan house, and horse farm house. And just like that, they keep multiplying. A visionary is a much nicer label for what someone like me IS, but really and truly, I'm a dreamer, and it's not always a good thing. It's like God gave me all of these things and right now, I can't for the life of me figure out what the ONE thing is. But at the same time, I do. 

For an entire year, God blessed me with amazing clients and some really awesome collaborations. Why? Because I asked Him to. I wanted to take some time out of the classroom to stay home with my kids before our son starts kindergarten (which is in a mere six months, choking back tears here!) While I was teaching, I was basically working seven days a week with the photo sessions and product photography and blog posts that I was getting paid to do. So all of that honestly felt like extra; on the side, abundant, excessive, and really pretty awesome. And now, here I am. Home. The money is all in our savings, every other week my husband pulls what I need as a 'paycheck' to cover our expenses and bills, and I'm here. I am not what you would call 'hustling.' The emails are few and far between, photography sessions are kind of stagnant, and I went from doing it all, to feeling like that's almost vanished. My brain is spinning and I have a lot of questions, but I can faintly here the whisper again, "Daughter, just you wait." 

'You don't have a lot of vision when you start,' Steven said. 'But the challenge is believing when you see nothing,' he told Dale. Right now, Motherhood is calling. I asked to be MOM, and to have that be my sole responsibility, and God answered. But I don't have a lot of vision for this coming year or what life will look like. I don't have people knocking down my door to take pictures or to write for them; I don't have huge companies asking for a partnership. And I think that's because God is asking me to water what I DO have, even though I'm not sure what will come up. We've been looking for a new house for TWO years, y'all. That is a VERY long time. My heart is quenched with thirst for land and open space. I want to see horses in our backyard and actually, I want to SIT with my horses IN my backyard. While I drove through Versailles and into the cute and quaint Wilmore, Kentucky, tears swelled in my eyes. Foals ran next to their mothers, horses were rolling on their backs in the morning dew, some were sleeping lying down and I said aloud, "This, God. This is what you created me for." 

But my 'visionary' self isn't always very realistic. If I could sell my house and move to the middle of nowhere and not worry about jobs or money or bills and budgets, I would. Because in my fantasy world, I'd put on a cotton dress, hang our linens on a clothesline, pick fresh eggs from the chicken coop with my children, play tag in the pastures with our horses, and it would all be perfectly peachy keen. And then I would end up in JAIL because I wouldn't be able to make payments on our car, student loans, house, or medical bills. Thank God my husband can simultaneously push me forward to keep dreaming, as well as draw me back into patience and prayer.

There's a process here, and even though on quiet days it's sometimes the hardest to hear, I am being told, "Daughter, just you wait." 

If money were no object, I would own a horse farm and do equine therapy with troubled youth and special needs children. I would use our farm to bring fellowship and community throughout whatever zip code we lived in. Asa and I would love people, raise our children, and ride horses. I would do photography whenever I wanted, write all the time, and it would be simple. 

But money is obviously something that *most* of us do have to factor in. So while I have a huge chunk of freedom not working five days a week, I'm going to try hard not to worry about why things are quiet, and instead thank God that they are. My days consist of mothering and shepherding two young souls; a strenuous yet magical task. Whatever the Lord tells me next, I have a feeling it's going to be beautiful. Ready or not, He WILL pave the way, and He will make our path known. When you don't feel ready, just trust. 

Crashes, Chaos, and Finding Grace

It's Friday. Which means we've successfully completed our week and now we excitedly prepare for the weekend. And it also means that we are pretty tired, somewhat cranky, and we are irritable with each other because well, it's been a long five days. The morning was pretty stressful but I wanted to make it fun. I attempted to make a model solar system with my son, but most of our Play-Doh was dried out and he was frustrated. He wanted the exact colors that the planets actually are, but it's been like ten years since they've played with Play-Doh, so we were out of luck. My daughter threw lots of tantrums because she wanted to do things her way, and her way only. Like when she asked me to draw a sun, but I didn't draw it the way she wanted, so she huffed and puffed and yelled at me. I've been having to take lots of deep breaths while talking to her because my tendency is NOT to be a patient and quiet mom; it's quite the opposite--I can get loud and mean REAL quick.

It's not something I'm proud of, but this space is for truth, not fluff. And today you're getting truth.

I was doing pretty good in the daughter department and my son mentioned that the sun was shining. YES, it was! And the temps were already in the fifties. So the kids wanted to take their bikes to the park AND go to the playground... which is so fricken hard for me by myself. Because I have a guilt complex if we don't take our giant dogs, we always DO take our giant dogs. So it's me with two giant dogs, two tiny children, two hard-to-hold bikes with training wheels, and a busy street that needs to be crossed. Safely.

But I put a smile on my face and said, "Okay, let's do it." We all headed out the back door, locked doors and fences behind us, and got to the end of the sidewalk to cross. And then our indoor/outdoor grey cat Manny decided that he too wanted to follow us across said busy street. No way, Jose. He's not dying on my watch, and he never crosses the street [except the handful of times he HAS followed us to the park] and today I wasn't allowing it. So I spun back around, tripped over the dogs while turning, and yelled for the kids to stay put. I picked Manny up and tossed him in the back yard, hurried back to the sidewalk, and set out for attempt #2 of crossing the busy street.

Once there, I took a deep breathe and put my shoulders back. The sun felt so good on my face and the kids were laughing and talking. "Stay together!" I shouted. They're usually good about this, and they're usually good about turning around to check where I'm at. What mom wants her 3 or 4-year old to get halfway around the park without her? Not me. But today, for whatever reason, my son decided to forget all of our park rules and he took off, leaving his sister and I in the dust. He wasn't just going fast, it's like his legs got fifty times stronger over night and he was actually FLYING down the sidewalk, without us.

I yelled his name, a normal yell at first. And then I screamed his name. "PIERSON CLIVE!!!!!! STOP! PIERSON!" Reese stopped, and was super concerned because her brother wasn't listening or slowing down even the slightest bit. Of course I started sprinting with the dogs, and my daughter who straight up abandoned her bike in the middle of the sidewalk, and I seriously felt like I was NOT going to catch up with my son. And then he wiped out. He had turned slightly, and I watched as in slow motion he crashed to the left side of the bike. His shoe had came off and was stuck in the pedal, giant tears were streaming down his face and his sobs were echoing through the park. I was so angry, SO livid, that I had just screamed bloody murder for him to stop and wait, and he hadn't. But he also just wiped out, so how could I scold him? felt my blood boiling, my heart pounding through my chest, and tears welling in my own eyes.

How did this happen? How did we get here? This was going to be a GOOD morning, a happy trip to the park, and we were going to enjoy the sunshine together.

It was a long forty minute park trip, y'all. I told Pierson to sit on a giant rock and wait for the dogs, me, and Reese to go BACK and get her deserted bike, and I heard his loud cries as I ran. Reese was repeating how bad it was that Pierson didn't listen and how he was "bad, bad, bad, Mom, he was just BAD, he did not LISTEN." I tried to patiently explain to her as we ran that he wasn't bad, that he must have just forgotten and yes, she and he do need to stay WITH Mama wherever we are. When I got back to my boy, I squatted down to his level. Previously I had been very stern as I gripped his shoulders and told him that I was very unhappy with him and this situation. This time, I told him how frustrating it was that he did not listen, and how unsafe it was to just take off without a parent. "I was worried, Pierson, and then I got angry. Mama is still not happy, Buddy, but your sister wants to play at the playground. So can you please slow down and listen, and we can all try to have fun? And can you also forgive me for getting so mad?" He quietly said, 'Yes, Mom,' and I brushed the bits of rock off his hands. Together the two of them got on their bikes, rode right beside me, and the dogs happily trotted along.

So today I'm just reflecting, and I'm letting it all sink in that yes, it's been a very long week. And yes, I am in need of a LOT of grace. 

 Tuesday I took Reese to Broadway's Little Mermaid and that was also fricken hard. A 3-year old being quiet and still for that long of a show is well, kind of silly. We did make it through the whole show [by the grace of God] but even there, I had a short fuse, was super anxious, and didn't know how I'd make it back home in one piece. When I got home, (at 10:30 at night, only three hours past bedtime), Pierson hadn't wanted to go to bed without me. And all I had wanted was some quiet with my husband, pajamas, and the couch.

Last night I had a hair appointment and was so excited to get my hair done. Until she told me that I did indeed have grey hair [10% by her calculation] because I've been joking about it the past year. I don't know about you, but I guess I'm too vain for this to NOT be a big deal for me. I'm 29 next month, so what the CRAP? And when I got home, my son had wiped out playing with a toy and nailed his head on the bricks over our old fireplace. He was lying on my husband's lap, blood being maintained under pressure, and I had a flashback to when our daughter needed a trip to the ER and stitches.

See? Long week.

This is for all you moms and parents who may have also had a long week. For those of you who doubt your abilities, your strength, your calling. Staying home has been a blessing, and it's also been a huge challenge. And I learned a few things today:

-Don't take the dogs when your hands are so full. They will BE okay.
-Or, maybe tell the kids that we can walk, and we'll do bikes when Daddy gets home.
-Refresh the kids on mom's park rules and expectations before going, because clearly, sometimes they forget.
-And when the moment is over, hug your babies, wipe their faces, and tell them how much you absolutely love them. Because they also need to hear that reminder too.

Thank God that when we got home, we were able to make our lunches, tickle each other, and laugh hysterically with each other. I opened the windows, turned off the heat, and lit some candles. And now I think I'll go brew some coffee and spend some time with Jesus, because I need to hear His reminders and expectations TOO.

Happy Friday, Friends. You are good, you are worthy, and you are loved. Even and especially when you forget.

Valentine's Day with Bertolli®: More than Just Dinner

The following content is intended for readers who are 21 or older.
This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and ConAgra Brands. All opinions are mine alone. #MangiaTonight #CollectiveBias

Valentine's Day was yesterday and guys, I think you'll be proud of me. I surprised my sweet husband (who usually does ALL the cooking) with such a great dish. And the best part? Bertolli® Frozen Meals at Kroger created more than just dinner for us; it was the memory and moment we had together that I am now cherishing! Using one of his very own own signature appetizers, I had so much fun bringing the Italian lifestyle to the table with the help of Bertolli®.

Now that we have two kiddos, Valentine's Day looks fairly different from our earlier years of marriage. We usually try to have them eat with us every night, but both of us were looking for a little extra quiet yesterday. I knew that making this meal 'for two,' instead of the four of us, would be just fine in my husband's book. While he helped with their baths, I prepped the appetizer: a caprese baguette with a divine balsamic reduction. This pairs SO well with Italian food and served with Bertolli® Chicken Alfredo & Penne, it did NOT disappoint.

Is your mouth watering yet? Mine is while writing this and I just had this meal! Let me share with you how to create this yummy dish:

1. Slice the baguette on a diagonal in about 1-inch slices.

2.Mix together 2-Tbsp of olive oil, 1-tsp garlic powder, and 1-tsp red pepper flakes with 1-tsp salt. Brush each piece of bread with the olive oil and herb mix. Broil under high heat until golden brown.

3. Slice plum tomatoes and fresh mozzerella into thin slices.

4. Top each piece of bread with a slice of mozzarella and a plum tomato slice. In a small saucepan, bring 1/2 a cup of balsamic vinegar to a boil. Continue boiling, stirring occasionally, until the vinegar has reduced by half. Remove the vinegar from the heat and cool COMPLETELY.

5. Top the baguette, cheese, and tomato with a splash of balsamic vinegar.

Five easy steps, y'all, for SUCH a great appetizer that paired perfectly with our Bertolli Chicken + Penne Alfredo dish. And the best part? My husband was SO proud that I handled this all on my own. It's not that I *can't* cook (obviously!), it's just that this is HIS calling; but man did it bless his heart for a night off!

We sat and made a toast--to eight years of marriage, nine of celebrating Valentine's Day, and for a quiet night in, JUST the two of us. I am so thankful to Bertolli for bringing excitement to an everyday meal such as this one. (Fun fact: Bertolli's 'Mangia" motto means 'to eat' in Italian!) And as much as this couple loves to eat, (can I get an amen?) we also love creating simple yet intimate moments and memories such as this.

Here are some helpful photos so that you can easily find this Bertolli dish at YOUR local Kroger store:

And here for the baguette we used:

What's your favorite way to spend a date night at home? If you want to try out these Bertolli Meals for Two, be sure to pick them up at your local Kroger Banner store in February to get them at the lowest price possible! You can't beat this deal and you will not be disappointed after cooking this dish. Give the caprese baguette a try too; you can never go wrong with bread and pasta! 

“Bertolli® is a registered trademark of R&B Foods, Inc., used under license.”

Off Screens and Into Nature, Let's HIKE!

A little over a year ago my husband introduced me to this sweet little hiking spot only a few miles from our house. It's a nature preserve that connects to a very large park, and there are several trails and lots of creeks and rickety pallet bridges. Watching our kids leap with joy as soon as they leave the car; to run to the entrance and look at the trails beyond, well, it's really done wonders for my soul.

I think it's even safe to say that this is one of my new happy places.

Give me a horse, open fields, and nothing but barns in sight and I am definitely a happy girl, but since those moments + opportunities are few and far between--hiking is such a sweet spot. And not just for me, but for all of us.

Today the forecast predicted sixty degrees and as soon as I woke, I ran to the windows and started pushing them open. We vacuumed and mopped and I de-cluttered the entryway. "You DO know it IS still February," my husband joked. YES! But as soon as spring starts to even FLIRT with this state, I am one and done with preparations. Our kids [and I] have been antsy and ornery and stir-crazy for days. It always happens this time of year, because our hearts and souls crave for more. We yearn to be pulled away from the mundane, and I really believe it's because we need something: we long to hear the snaps and cracks of twigs breaking under feet, to listen to leaves crunching beneath our tennis shoes, and to watch silently as we pray that a deer or two will cross our paths.

There is something majestic about being in the woods. And kids NEED it. I've taught so many students who don't get this opportunity--who aren't familiar with the concept of an hour or two away in nature. And this really isn't their fault; many are wards of the state, living in one residential facility to the next, so whenever I am in the classroom I work hard to get them outside--to look at the different twigs and branches, leaves and grass. To FEEL the soil between their fingers, because y'all, nature is healing.

Today was a day that our soul needed that and I'm encouraging YOU to do the same. As soon as your temperatures allow for tennis shoes + hoodies, go! Take some snacks + drinks and play I Spy while you run alongside your littles, because I PROMISE, they will thank you. Our kids are different people when they're just surrounded by nature; their laughter is different, their attitude towards each other is different, and they have an innate way about them to just be present where we are. I am so tired of iPads and iPhones and TV's. My heart craves warm breezes + deer walking feet ahead of me; and by golly, today God gave me both.

An enlightening realization while we were walking: I don't like winter. I know, WHAT?! I am from Michigan, I do love snow, when it actually snows, but really and truly?! I would be good with sixty and seventy degree weather year round I think. "Why do you keep trying to move us to Michigan then?!!" my husband said. "Well, that's DIFFERENT," I defended. Ha ha, but seriously. I love color, and full trees, and warm sunlight, and kids who can be outdoors without needing thirty layers and lasting only five minutes IN them.

What a blessing that today allowed all of us to loosen up our hearts and just be outside. The benefits to hiking and just being outdoors are endless too, guys. Better sleep at night, exercise in ALL aspects: physically, mentally, emotionally. The fact that it's a total mood booster, feeling less stressed. I could go on. And children can learn SO much. We talked about the mushrooms that we saw, the different types of trees and branches, how the deer varied in their colors. Sigh. Can we go back tomorrow?!

Also, Reese with her Goldfish kills me. Ha ha!! I swear this girl thinks as soon as she GETS to the trails, she just needs to eat AND run. Hhhmmm, Reesie girl, there's a reason you tripped more than once this afternoon! ;)

Anyway, y'all--if you get the chance, please, please, find a park, find some trails, and go explore with your kiddos. Even if it's for ten or fifteen minutes, it's an opportunity to reset, re-charge, and completely boost your spirits.

And I'd love to hear from you! Have you taken your kids hiking or exploring? Where do you like to go? What are some tips and tricks you've learned? We are going to the mountains of North Carolina this spring [our first time sleeping in a TENT with all of us, Lord help me!!!!!] and then are heading to Myrtle Beach for a beach trip. Mountains + Ocean--something I've longed for the kids to see since they were born! And now we are actually GOING! SO: because I'm really only used to like, HOUR long hikes? Send me all your must do's and must pack items, PLEASE!

Kiddos are wearing their trusty Tsukihoshi tennis shoes--I could not swear by this brand and these shoes more. They are durable, trustworthy, and COMFORTABLE!!