One Day at a Time: Goals for the Year Ahead

Last year's Reflection post [what I'm calling it anyway] covered a lot of things--how good 2016 was, how many blessings arose, and the ways in which God wowed my socks off. "Look at all the GOOD things God did in our lives this last year," I had written. "And yes, I'm saying this firmly to myself. All of those things do not mean that 2017 is going to go KERPLUNK. I don't need to have ANY answers right now, all I need to do is to take one day at a time. Starting Tuesday, in just two short days, I will literally be a stay at home mom and working from home. That's a HUGE dream turning into a reality!"

2016 consisted of a crap ton of hustle in order to fulfill that dream (staying home) and then guess what, 2017 was spent with me being home with our kids and really not working at ALL. I look back, however, and think that's just how God wanted it. I had dreamt of doing crafts and baking and going to parks with our Pierson and Reese before he started kindergarten. In order to do that, I photographed 8 weddings the year prior, took every paid partnership I could get my hands on, and basically booked every possible photo session. We saved every cent and I worked 6-7 days a week. I thank God OFTEN that the prayer was heard and answered and that for almost eight months (summer vacation included in that) I was "just" Mom.

It was a different kind of hustle and one that didn't exactly bring IN money. 

Thank the Lord for His provision, friends. Here were my questions walking into 2017: 

Will I be a good stay at home mom?
Will the kids like it? Will I like it? Will I be strong enough?
Will I be able to book a lot more weddings?
Will I be able to take this blog further? (What does that even mean?!)
Will I ever have another beautiful home NOT in our current neighborhood?
Will I ever live on land?
Will I have a horse?
Will I go back to teaching? Will I teach forever? Will we stay in Kentucky forever?

If you've followed along with me, many of you know how those questions panned out. I think back very fondly on my time home with the kids and being a 'stay at home mom.' The kids too have fun memories and tell me often that they loved reading Bible stories and doing crafts and learning about school. Some days I didn't LIKE it; [once I even threatened that I was going back to work if they didn't knock it off] or something super-rational and Mom of the Year statement worthy. But in hindsight, I loved it. 

I shot three weddings last year. All three blessed my socks off but one left me with a little sting and a little hurt; communication wasn't the greatest with that one and I walked away incredibly bummed that they didn't want me to blog their special day due to privacy. Lots of things learned though in that regard, and realized some tweaks I need to add to my photography business! 

We DID move to another beautiful home, NOT on land, but just one mile to my new favorite horse who I get to visit as often as I want. Well, not as often as I want because that would be 24/7 and ya know, mom life, work life, wife life and such... but still--HUGE blessing! 

I DID go back to teaching, and halfway through the school year here I am wondering, "What am I doing with my life?!" Ha! My heart is with my children, and though they are in school (kindergarten and full-time preschool), I just want to be here. As I type our son is spiking yet another fever. He had one for FIVE days the first week of December and missed five days of school! He just went back to school TODAY from Christmas break and I'm like, dude. All the stress of "whose turn is it to stay home?" and "great, this means Reese will be next." I miss last year when that was never an issue because I knew my husband would go to work and I'd be home anyway...

I wonder what's out there--if I WILL teach forever, or if God will expand my photography and blog tenfold. I think the next best step would be for me to somehow teach part-time and that's probably a more realistic goal; I'm just not sure if even that can happen? There's a lot of factors to consider: student loan debt, new house payment, if I get a horse this year [what?!?! Yes, that's the dream but hasn't it always been? Ha ha]. Benefits and health insurance. Retirement. Life in general because let's face it, extra spending money is WAY more fun... 

Let's go back to the new house though, can we? So many blessings have surrounded this home, and honestly, mostly thanks TO my photography and blogging business. (Being able to offer high-resolution images, blog posts, and other social media benefits for companies). I did a lot of research about what brands I wanted to work with, and the types of things we wanted here. We quickly learned that our style is more of an industrial/rustic/farmhouse one, and are having SO much fun designing rooms and spaces around that. It was SO fun working with Havertys Furniture to help us plan and furnish the living room--the main space where we bring people to gather (other than our giant dining room table). Definitely add that to 2017's TOP praise and to my favorite partnership list.

So, now what? 

Lord help, because I have no idea, Y'all. I felt as if last year God was telling me to BELIEVE, and there were a LOT of moments when I needed to be reminded of that. I mean I literally wrote a post called, "Are You There God? It's Me, Ashley," because I was struggling to believe he had this home destined for us. Within that, I said, "It's not that I'm suddenly denouncing God or walking away from my faith," I said. "I am just in a season of struggling to find hope." But ultimately I did believe because He continued to show His face through the pain and through the questions that I had. 

We are three days in and 2018 already has me wondering. 

Asa's car broke down on the way to his job yesterday, the first day back TO work after our break. I came home to dog poo in our bedroom for the umpteenth time because we have senior dogs and one of them in particular [ahem, Humphrey, ahem] has questionable intestines. Our cat Manny [my favorite] was let out (pretty much like normal) and then proceeded to be gone for like 15 hours in subzero temperatures. Me being super-rational, proclaimed him dead and gone on my way to work this morning, positive I would never see him again. *Side note/praise: our awesome neighbor went looking and together she and another neighbor noticed him on our back deck while we were at work. One of them proceeded to quietly enter our backyard, grab him, and she kept him safe in her house the entire day while we were at work.* Pierson is more than likely going to end up with another virus/bug this winter which all sorts of bums me out. I just want him to be WELL and to be able to enjoy kindergarten and not miss a million days! 

I seriously wrote this sentence last year: "But wait, Ashley. One day at a time."

And I think that's what I hear Him telling me again. 

One day at a time. My sweet friend Sarah recently told me, "2018 is going to be your year, Girl. I just know it." And for whatever reason, I feel more hopeful than not that it is. What's that mean? Psh, I don't know. But I think regardless it will be good. 

Instead of making to-do and checklists, here are a few things I want to work towards this year: 

-Experience more, worry less. 
-Be more intentional in every aspect: husband, kids, community
-Love our people, always. 
-More grace, less shame. 
-More strength, more rest, more joy. 
-More faith, less doubt. 
-And dream, always. 

Thoughts On Moving

Who here watches Modern Family? Did every single one of you raise your hand? Well, maybe raising your hand while reading a blog post is weird... but anyway. I KNOW you watch Modern Family. In the episode where Luke graduates high school, Claire tells her husband Phil that it's okay to cry. 

"It's okay, I'm all cried out," he said. "It's like there's no moisture left in my body. I'm worried if I blink, that my eyes will get stuck...I am dead inside." Everyone around him sobs as Luke's name is called and they reminisce his childhood. Phil is blank faced, no emotion left, and really, all cried out. 

That's me, guys. I am literally ALL cried out. 

Our house sold (as most of you know) within three hours tops the day we listed it, June 7. It was an over asking price offer and the first showing of the day. After talking with several people we highly respect and a few realtor friends, we knew we'd be crazy if we didn't accept it. Here we are, two weeks later, and I can't even tell you how many times we have said aloud, "We never should have sold our house." We knew it would be a leap of faith to list it, and we knew it would sell. Originally we thought we would be moving to some land and a place I could have a horse, or at least if nothing else, to a more spaced out neighborhood where the kids could make some nice friends. "A bigger house and more space inside and out," THAT was my goal in listing our home. 

We pretty quickly discovered that we couldn't move outside of Jefferson County unless we could pay tuition for Pierson's kindergarten. He's going to school with my husband, and we feel pretty passionate about that, at least for this year. Not moving out of district means there's really no way we can get 5-6 acres worth of land affordability. It's a good thing I guess that our offer fell through on the 5 acre horse farm in Shelbyville we wanted... but at the same time, I have been completely mourning. 

"WHY did we sell our house??" I've cried. I can go through the positive reminders, but sometimes that's just too hard and not even good enough. It's like as soon as we signed the paperwork and went under contract with the buyers, I fell in love with our home all over again. I started to love the backyard more than I ever have, the charm of the home felt even more magical, and as I have layed in bed each night, I've thought, "No bedroom will ever be as wonderful as this one." The difficulty for me has been though, we have no place to go (yet.) I can't imagine the goodness of new chapters of our life because there hasn't been a home that has accepted our offer (yet.) With only a week left of June, we have been on SUCH a time crunch. We wanted to have a contract on our future home by July 1 so that our closing could align with the closing of our home and we don't stay in a limbo period, or temporary housing. It was a conversation I had with my brother recently that helped change my pretty closed mindset, and help me see that what we are moving to next, is not permanent.  

"Your kids only live in the box you put them in," he said. And of course this is literal and figurative.  "Maybe you should look at houses you go into as if your option is THIS, or moving into a crappy rental that will be too expensive and small." Both he and Asa have suggested this actually, and honestly, it's given me a lot of peace of mind. Yesterday we found a GORGEOUS home, pretty far out in the East End of Louisville [complete opposite of where we're living NOW,] and as soon as we walked inside, we felt a sense of peace. And that's exactly what we have been praying about, peace. We've offered on three homes so far, and in each one, they were homes I could see us in; but I don't think the feeling was mutual.  I'm always going to be attracted to big yards and there's something magical about a lifestyle with more outdoor space...but the homes have needed SO much work. The house we saw yesterday was smack dab in the middle of a subdivision, and it had a VERY small yard. For us, it meant 8/10 requirements, and the two cons were those. Albeit, those are pretty giant cons for me...but the interior and space inside couldn't be beat. We have talked A LOT, prayed A LOT, and both of us feel at peace knowing that the next house is temporary. That maybe there we will be able to save money, do our research, find some land and BUILD our dream home. I think it's doable. And I think we'll have some time to figure it out. If nothing else, that gives me some hope. I can't let go of my dream of land and horses in our backyard, so I know that I will just have to keep praying. Needless to say, we put an offer on that home. While we were feeling all pumped that 'this was it,' we were smacked HARD in the face when we found out they didn't even want to see or hear our offer--they wanted to wait until this coming Sunday at FIVE pm. The day we saw it, there were twenty other showings already scheduled, and it still has yet to have its' open house this weekend. I can only imagine the multitude of offers this house is going to receive, and the giant pile the couple is going to be sorting through...NOT a fun thought. 

 Three days ago we drove to a historic home that sat on 1.5 acres IN the city of Louisville. Before going, we meticulously studied the layout of the photos online, and I knew my husband wasn't impressed. But as soon as we pulled up, my heart was already outside of my chest and in absolute yard HEAVEN, as I pictured the dinners and future parties we would surely be throwing there. There is a 200-yr old tree in the front yard, and the kids and my husband immediately climbed on to it's ancient and low branches. At the top of the budget, I knew this house would have to be something that we could happily live with for many years to come, unable to make changes or updates. We walked through the front door and immediately I saw some big 'uh-ohs,' and I gulped, not wanting to admit them. The living room as the master bedroom, for one. The smallest [and worst off] kitchen we had yet seen, the family room with no windows, being taken up entirely by a sectional. I should mention my husband yet again barely fit in the basement and did NOT fit in the showers, and there was not a single space there for HIM, where he could put his workout room or fit his favorite gray rocking chair. I proceeded to NOT listen to the wisdom in my head (also known to me as the Holy Spirit) and my selfless husband supported me as I said, "We still have to make an offer." Our realtor wrote up all the paperwork, we signed all 300 pages, the kids exhausted in the car going back and forth between whining and laughing and screaming, and when it was all done and over, I started to cry. Yes I know, imagine that, Ashley crying right now. Not an uncommon occurrence. 

We drove away from the beautiful yard and my husband re-explained to me why it wasn't a great idea but that he loved me and wanted to support my dream of having a yard. We had promised the kids a McDonalds cone and when they went inside to order, I called our realtor. I sat on the concrete, head in my lap, begging for her wisdom and judgement. Ten minutes later, I said, "Please pull out our offer." My heart and my head just haven't lined up this last month. I see a potential dream and I want to snatch it and it never seems to be what the Lord wants. YOU GUYS, here in this space, have meant SO much to me. I put up a photo on Instagram that evening, pouring my heart there, to friends and virtual strangers, explaining my breaking heart. SO many of you commented paragraph long comments, sharing comfort with me, empathizing, and sending your prayers--106 comments, and I was just blown away. I put up the same photo on Facebook with the same caption, and so many of my close friends and family did the same thing: long paragraphs relating and praying, uplifting and encouraging me. 

I just wanted to say, your words haven't gone unnoticed and are not in vain. I have felt every single one, and I am finally starting to feel glimmers of hope. I am not sure that we will get the house we just offered on, and we won't know for three more days [which feels like an ETERNITY!!!!] I wrote a hand written letter, included the photo in this blog post, we offered everything we felt we could, offered to waive an inspection, gave more in a good faith deposit....I mean literally, this has been the strongest offer we've made yet. Next week feels like the deadline, though I'm working hard not to feel that way. I go back and forth between feeling God is going to give us the miracle of this house, to feeling like a hundred other people are going to blow our offer out of the water. 

My thoughts on moving? This has been the hardest thing my husband and I have ever been through, and that's saying something if you know part of our story from several years ago. I've cried harder and longer than I ever knew I could, the tension has been tight, the kids have been through the ringer seeing TONS of homes and having the expectations of being good and obedient. We are all tired and just plain EXHAUSTED. Wherever we end up, I am begging God to just bring us peace. 

And may He already be preparing our DREAM home many years down the road. Because I never., EVER, want to do this again.