If we could keep a literal log of how many times we complimented other people, I wonder what it would be. How quick are we to tell our friend how cute or pretty she looks today, or compliment someone’s hair, outfit, smile, etc. Especially if words of affirmation come naturally to you, I feel like this number would be pretty high, right?

Now about a log for how often you compliment YOURSELF…?

Ouch.

This is a place where honesty and transparency are strong values for me. This is a space where I confide, vent, share, (sometimes overshare), and attempt to uplift or encourage you, wherever you are, whoever you are. So let’s chat just for a minute about where I’m at. Turning 34 in 18 days, mom of two (8 and 9), wife of 13 years, church goer, Jesus lover, full time teacher, horse owner, dog and cat owner, part time photographer, oily obsessed woman.

And that woman is STRUGGLING when she looks in a mirror, or passes by ANYTHING that shows her reflection.

Now that you’ve read that sentence and your brain is processing it—I remind and ask you not to judge. However old of a person or woman you are, PLEASE do not ‘come at me’ for these negative thoughts. If this hasn’t been an area of struggle for you, like ever, than this may not resonate with you, but I think that’s okay. I’ve been a little quiet on “the internet” about this because sometimes I feel more sensitive than I did years ago. (It’s like I’m a giant mixture of Zero F’s to give and ‘ouch that really hurt my feelings’ kinda gal lately??) But the more it’s been sitting in my heart and thoughts the more I’ve asked myself, ‘WHY aren’t you sharing about this??”

So here we are, y’all. Total honesty.

My businesses require me to show my face, a LOT, online. Yep, that was my decision and it’s one honestly I’m pretty proud of. I’ve had no shame really showing up in my Instagram stories ‘chatting with you’ from afar. And we all love the pretty filters (not ALL the filters, good Lord there are some that literally CHANGE our entire FACES…those are disturbing.) But c’mon, SOME filters are what make IG a little more fun! So I have a few favorites. And I’ve noticed LATELY…even with filters, (Midnight Sun is my fave if you’re wondering), I am feeling more insecure than ever about showing my face. And because REAL LIFE does not have HAVE a filter slapped on it, it’s been even MORE hard for me to look in a real mirror or pass by one. At work in the fluorescent bathroom lighting or even in my own home in natural light…I cringe. I complain. I feel burdened and sad (a little depressed honestly) and I’ve cried several times when trying to process it aloud with my husband.

I’m getting older. (Duh, Ashley..) and my face is changing. A LOT. It seems kind of drastic to me the difference in appearance I see within it in the past six months even. For SO long I have complained about ‘baggy’ or ‘puffy eyes’ and each day is different than the one before it. And then while researching I had an AHA moment when I found articles on the tear trough region. OMG THAT’S ME. I realized. My under eye is CHANGING. I’m getting OLDER. I guess I’m losing volume in my cheeks?! And I get asked, OFTEN, if I am tired or if I have been crying. (Thanks..) and the answer is NOPE.

This isn’t a post on tear troughs though. It’s one about negative self image and how I am hoping and praying to work through it.

Lately it feels like a lot. It’s easy for me to struggle with obsessive thoughts (add that to the list of Ashley’s worries) and I tend to be having them a lot with negative self-image. Every year that goes by I keep pushing away. Getting older. It’s obvious. Slightly mundane. And it’s inevitable. I blinked and was suddenly in my thirties—and the same will be true for my forties, fifties, sixties, and beyond (if blessed to live that long right?)

Today I asked my husband to pray with me. Our pastor had a GREAT lesson and during our time of communion left this question on the screen, ‘Other than the cross, what trust structures are you looking to for happiness, significance, and security?’ As I prayed, I knew that I have been placing my trust and security in my self-image. I have been feeling as though my WORTH resides there…that I won’t be as likable or lovable if I don’t love what I see in my reflection. Asa prayed with me when we got home and tears rolled down my cheeks. And then I became annoyed as I said, “SEE? I won’t even let myself REALLY cry because I don’t want my eyes to be even PUFFIER!”

It’s what HE shared with me that I think may help you too, my beloved reader. He has been so sweet and assuring, reminding me often that I need to find my faith and hope in something greater than physical appearances. That our (my) self-image should not be the paramount thing leading and giving me direction and purpose in life. I honestly do not in this moment believe I will wake up in the morning and suddenly LOVE what I see. Nor feel super accepting about it. But how will I react, behave, and live my life out even if that’s the case. My GOAL in life is to be Christ’s Ambassador. To LOVE others: people, coworkers, family, friends, acquaintances, to love YOU.

I feel undeserving of so many in my life who love me. Who have put up with my texts and loved me through my insecurities. I’ve dialogued a lot with one of my sister in law’s about life (so of course THIS topic) and one of her texts almost made me cry. I told Asa that between him, her, and others, I should feel like a Princess. And truthfully, I SHOULD. I KNOW that I am loved. I KNOW that when you look at me, you do not SEE what I see. So perhaps after reading this, you can help me hold me accountable. I may need a gentler spirit these days and a few more affirmations, but just stick with me.

I also want to state that I do not believe it is wrong or sinful to want to look good. I really think we all (most?!?) WANT to feel beautiful. But desiring to look good on the outside should not be our stronghold, it should not be greater than our desire to be one with God. I’ve needed a ginormous reality check and believe me, I’ve had one. I don’t think I instantly become more secure after reading affirmations or even praying (often), but my goal is to continue to show up ANYWAY. Love others MORE than I love myself. Love my husband and kids and family and friends and YOU, more than I care about my tear troughs. [Okay, typing that just made me giggle a little. I 100% realize how silly this may sound to you, my tolerant reader.]

If you need a virtual hug, shoot me an email. Let’s connect. I’m here for you and I am so thankful that you are here for me too.

be.loved:
dearly loved, a much loved person

In an interview once, a woman asked me, "What do you wish you could tell childhood Ashley?" It was a question that really stumped me. I felt flustered and nervous and like I could probably tell little kid Ashley a million different helpful things, but spilling out of my mouth was this:

"I would tell her to live loved."

Not a very common phrase, it's one that I discovered in Lysa TerKeurst's book Uninvited a few months ago. Both her and Lara Casey have written about it, seeking to empower women to live their lives knowing and embracing that they are loved. WE, are loved. You. And me. By so many different souls--Our Creator, who knew the hairs on our heads before we were born, and beyond; to the husbands we are wives to, the children we are mothers to, the brothers and sisters, the parents we were born to, and the friends that we cling to. But knowing that we are loved, and actually believing it, are two separate things. I know that I am loved by my husband. I know that my kids adore me and beg each night for it to be my turn to put them each down. I know my parents love me, my brothers, my friends. But do I believe this to my core, to the point that I don't doubt my beloved strengths? I'm afraid not. And I am guessing you may need some help here too.

Sisters, you are beloved. And I feel like it is my mission to help you believe this truth. I want to know you better, to encourage you, to wrap my arms around you, to challenge you to think deeper about yourselves; so that in turn, soon, YOU will feel the love. It is my great honor to kick off this series with my friend Jenna. She is a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend to SO many. This lady loves and dreams BIG.

A little background, and in her words:

"I met my husband about twelve and a half years ago while working at American Eagle, which is hilarious to anyone who knows us now; we are definitely not an American Eagle couple, ha. We just celebrated ten years of marriage in November. In those ten years, we've owned two houses. The first, a small 1-bedroom shotgun that was renovated. It was on a double lot and allowed me to grow food and raise chickens. It was a great little place. Then, when our daughter Darcy was about a year old, we bought our second home, which is a major fixer upper! We only live in half our house, have no kitchen, so yes, definitely a fixer upper! My husband does most of the work himself, so it's taking some time, but it's going to be absolutely worth it in the end. In addition to our daughter Darcy, we have Jake, our 6-year old Australian Shepherd who is our best bud, two cats, and five chickens.

Bryon has always let me be ME, and he is my best encourager, giving me confidence, love, and security. We have enjoyed a lot of outdoor adventures together and continue to do so with Darcy. She enjoys hiking and camping just as much as we do, which has been awesome to witness. I honestly wasn't sure I ever wanted kids, but God decided differently. Even though I was a little freaked out when I found out I was pregnant, I quickly realized after she was born, that of course God knew what He was doing! He gave us the most perfect addition to our family. Darcy fits us completely and has fallen right in step with everything we love to do. Having her around has made us look at life with such a sweet + simple perspective. I am so thankful at how God has so perfectly orchestrated our little family. I'm also thankful for the way Bryon and I have been able to approach life and all of it's surprises, good or bad. We have fairly laid back attitudes, aren't big planners, and I wouldn't change it. We rely on God and go with the flow of life; taking all of it and releasing it to Him. It's a wonderful life and I'm excited to live it!"

When asked, "What has been the most beautiful moment in your life?" Jenna responded:

"My MOST beautiful moment was the labor + birth of my daughter. I have never felt so raw and vulnerable. During labor, I felt helpless and weak, as I screamed for someone to help me. I also felt completely primal as I stripped off my clothes and screamed wildly, not giving a care in the world who saw or heard me. The bonding that happened by having my husband + my doula by my side, couching and encouraging me, it is indescribable. When it was over and I was holding this perfect little human...the memory of the whole experience rushed over me. I thought of all I had just gone through and felt more accomplished, more empowered, more confident...than ever before. What an incredibly miraculous thing it was to feel like my weakest + most raw and vulnerable moment, is now actually the most beautiful."

I wanted to know what the word 'beautiful' meant to Jenna, because as women, this word varies so vastly.

"Being beautiful, to ME, is to be in a place where you are able to humbly accept yourself at ANY moment, freeing yourself to live without hesitation. IN this place, there is strength in the ability to be honest about WHO you are, not trying to be what the rest of present society + social media may be; and freedom from passing judgements and holding prejudices, allowing you to be open to those you encounter. To me, this seems like such a raw approach to life, free from self-obsessing and worry, but instead being full of love and openness. How beautiful is that?!"

I asked her, "When do you feel the most beautiful?" and I just love her response:

"I feel most beautiful when I'm climbing. It humbles me every time, forcing me to accept my weaknesses and my strengths. It brings an awareness to my mind and body like nothing else. I feel raw + vulnerable, strong and weak, graceful and awkward, confident and defeated. In all of these things is where I find beauty: allowing myself to feel ALL of it, and embracing each moment, but never dwelling on any."

It's always interesting to hear what other women feel like their hearts beat for. I find it incredible that we are very similar in so many ways, yet also vastly unique in our differences. Here are a few of her biggest dreams:

"To one day live on a hobby farm, spend some time traveling out west, and to have our house completely finished in the next year or two." She then wrapped up my series of questions with this:

"Really and truly, when asked what I tick for, what drives me, well, my heart beats for life. I enjoy life and the people in it. I feel secure where I am, and that makes me ecstatic to keep on going. I love to hike, backpack, camp, climb, garden, and homesteading--all of these are things that help me better enjoy the day to day. But I truly believe that everything begins with Jesus; I lay everything on my Creator, so I am free from crippling worry, anger, jealousy, and self-doubt. It's simple + yet wonderful."

And Ladies! This wraps up my first Beloved Woman post, and I so hope that you enjoyed reading + getting to know Jenna. There is strength in numbers, and I really believe that if we can all believe the phrase, 'community over competition,' along with, 'I am beloved by many,' our lives can be changed. Do you have a woman in mind whose story needs to be shared? PLEASE e-mail me. Feel free to nominate as many as you'd like. My dream for 2017 is that I meet so many of you, from all over the world!

You are beautiful, brave, strong, and worthy. And you are LOVED by so many.

Thank you for reading! Please, spread this series, and give Jenna some love in the comments below! xox