When Life Gets Messy, I Choose You

Several people have messaged me here on this platform and asked, "Do you and your husband ever fight? Your relationship looks so perfect and like such a dream." Well, I have some feedback on that and I think it's important to share. First, the answer is of COURSE we fight.

Our first year of marriage I got so angry that I flew out the front door of our apartment and drove to nowhere else than his sister's house; who in turn texted him and told him I was there. I don't think I was trying to hide? And I have NO idea what I was even upset about, but we have since made the agreement that neither of would ever get in our cars and leave during a fight. I can remember slamming a door in our second apartment and my husband then hopping up off the couch said yelling, "I CAN SLAM A DOOR TOO!" and of course the entire house shook when he did. I've called my mother sobbing, even when we also made the agreement that we wouldn't involve other people in our disagreements, unless we really had to. And we've had some really big ones, ones that I don't care to share about in this space or in this nature; because they've hurt, and they've left some wounds and open scars. But as you can see, yes, we fight. We recently had one of the biggest that our nine years have ever seen, but we both went to bed that night knowing that the other would be there in the morning. I think that a lot of people are private about their relationships, and of course, I largely am as well. I want to protect my husband and our kids and while a writer, I know there are boundaries. But I also think that honesty is important. Sometimes we get caught up behind the squares we see on Instagram and we are held hostage to the lies that there exists perfection.

Getting married at twenty-years old meant that I had a lot more growing up to do from the moment that I said, "I do." At the beginning of our marriage during our fights, I can remember thinking, "How will we ever move forward from this?" But we always did. Each day passed and with them, fresh years. I have realized that we will ALWAYS move forward. Promises have been broken, and there have been moments of anger, frustration, and perhaps, even resentment. Which is why I am so thankful for a Savior; for the Creator who from His hands, made both my husband and I. And I don't believe for a second that He makes mistakes. When He brought us together, He knew that I could be hot tempered and Asa could be head strong. I can kill with words and he can get loud. And when those things happen, we can take a breath, look at each other, and remind each other that we DO love one another. You've probably at some point said it yourself, "I don't like you, but I do love you." There are times when I feel as though I really don't LIKE my husband. And he doesn't like me. But we will always love each other. 

Recently he and I were circling back and trying to find some closure and here was his response: 

"After I dropped Reese off at school, I had a long drive to think and pray. As I prayed and worked through the emotions of the fight we were having, it became really clear that I wasn't going to leave, I wasn't going anywhere. The only option was to fix it. To do the work to make things right. To own what I needed to own, to learn from our fight and to figure out how to restore our marriage to love. Leaving wasn't an option, so there was only one real direction to go. For me, healing always starts with the decision of which way we are going. And I'm choosing to always come back to you."

My husband can be a real tear-jerker with his words and ultimately, with how he loves me. Honestly, our recent fight had me in that, "WHAT am I going to do?!" type mindset. The one where you feel lost and confused and all you see ahead is gray. I thank God that Asa brought my eyes back to the colors of our beautiful life, and that he reminded me that I too, will only ever walk forward.

I choose you, Asa, and I thank you for choosing me; even and especially when things get messy. I do a great job of capturing the beauty that is in our household, but please remember that those are because I largely want to remember the good, not because the bad doesn't exist. When I need to decide what direction to go, where to love, I choose the good. I choose you.

Better to be Loved than Admired

Have you read or finished Present Over Perfect yet? If you haven't grabbed a copy of this book, PLEASE do yourself a favor and fix that. I was screen-shotting and typing out ginormous passages, texting them to my friends and family every other day while reading this. The chapters are all heavily underlined, and so many of the words are forever imprinted on my brain because honestly, being present is something the Lord is earnestly trying to teach me. 

I had a massive break down last month; desperately feeling alone, seeking words of affirmation from family members and really feeling as though on so many levels, I just wasn't connecting. I was getting overly discouraged when Instagram posts weren't doing as well as others have in the past [like, how did I ever get 3k likes on ONE photo? That will NEVER happen again!] And that sentence and realization RIGHT there, is what this post is all about. Whose likes matter? Why do they matter? What is the POINT of social media? There are so many different lessons I want to tie in to what I'm trying to say, but I'll try to take it slow so that I don't completely overwhelm (or bore) you. 

In a podcast listening to Lara Casey share her story [another author I highly encourage you to get familiar with!] she encouraged her listeners to STOP searching. She said, "Imagine your followers to be real life people, because they ARE, and imagine them being at your dining room table. If you even have ten followers, ten people, that's actually a LOT of people to be hosting in your home. So it's not necessarily a good thing trying to find MORE followers, more people who aren't presently with you in this season, because then you are distracted and not pouring in to the people who ARE at your side." That may have been terribly paraphrased, but her point was to be content with the people in your life, and to check yourself to see how you are trying to invest in THEM. With 13k followers, that's a crap ton of people; people who wouldn't actually FIT inside my home or at our dinner table--but that is thousands of people I get to semi interact with and influence with my words via Instagram. Do all 13k SEE my posts? No, of course not. But many do! So what message do I want to share with them? And beyond that, with 13k followers, how many do I ACTUALLY have a real, meaningful relationship with? How many of us can say that we have one at all? You can have hundreds of THOUSANDS, millions even, of quote on quote followers--but are they who at the end of the day, matter? 

Going back to Shauna Niequist's book, she has an entire chapter dedicated to "It's All Right Here." Let me share with you my most convicting points (pages 110-114): 

• -Making someone feel loved in an instant is SO much easier than showering someone your love OVER AND OVER, day in and day out. 
• -It feels good to be good at something, to master something, to control something when marriage and intimacy often feel profoundly OUT of our control.
• -Little by little, we tiptoe away. 
• -The distance seems to always create space for another person, and then there's a whole new level of pain and violation. [YES, because this has happened TO ME]
• -When things are hard and painful and barbed at home, what a LOVELY thing it is to be loved at your work, right? What a lovely and DANGEROUS thing. 
• -It's EASY to be liked by STRANGERS. It's very HARD to be loved and connected to the people in your home when you're always bringing them your most exhausted self and resenting the fact that the scraps you're giving them isn't cutting it. 
• -It is better to be LOVED than admired. It is better to be truly KNOWN and seen and taken CARE of by a small tribe than adored by STRANGERS who think they know you in a meaningful way. 
• -People out THERE are easier than the ones in here. 
• -It's ALL in here, NOT out there. 

I'm here to tell you as a person with thousands of followers [and embarrassingly enough, as an "Influencer" this does not necessarily *sound* like a large number to me]; it doesn't matter, because you can and will still feel lonely. In another podcast listening to Dale Partridge talk with a Pastor, the Pastor said something along the lines of, "No matter the number, your feelings will still be the same." He said he had always imagined that when his church got to 500 members, that would be it, and he would feel like he had arrived. And he now has a church with over 40,000 people attending his different churches each week. The same goes for  many of us in our 'following.' [If you can't relate, bless you, but perhaps you still do with feeling fully loved and cherished inside your own walls.] I LITERALLY remember 10k being "the magic number" on Instagram. "Oh once you hit 10k, big things will start happening," I was told. Well, let me let YOU in on a little secret. That's not exactly true. "Maybe when I hit 15k?" I've thought. Or 20k? But honestly, I follow a LOT of 'mommy bloggers' and women who have an incredibly large following, and do you know what I hear as the common thread? 

That they can still be lonely. That they can still spend too much time on social media, that they often fall short of comparing themselves to other, to doubting whether or not they should just walk away, and so many other similar thoughts that I, a woman with 13k followers, have as well. Why? 

Because our love is not OUT there. 

Because our tribe is INTERNAL. 

Because the ones who not only KNOW us but LOVE us, are sitting AT our table. 

Because the children we are rolling around with on the floor, and the husband we hold hands with on the couch--they, are who matters. 

Sometimes this realization is scary. I've had lots of doubts about posting, sharing, writing, conversing. But a quote from Shauna sums my heart up so well, and I am guessing yours too: 

"Sometimes brave is being quiet. Being brave is getting off the drug of performance. For me, being brave is trusting that what my God is asking of me, what my family and community is asking from me, is TOTALLY different than what our culture says I should do. Sometimes, brave looks boring, and that's totally, absolutely, okay" (126). 

"...Getting off the drug of performance," yes. Do I need to post a picture every day to be loved? Maybe, to be admired. But deep down I know that relationships are not virtual; they are physical. I love the groups I'm a part of on threads on Instagram. I've gotten close with women in Colorado, California, Illinois, Canada, Oregon, North Carolina, and SO many different states. I'm thankful for them and I long to one day create an IG meet-up! But these relationships are not ENOUGH to BE enough. Do not second guess yourself because of your social media presence, do not doubt your identity based on the thoughts, moods, and opinions of others. 

It is better to be LOVED than admired. And friends?

You already are.