Feel Great While You Sleep: Featuring Boll and Branch

My husband and I have joked that sometimes we don't feel like we have a real grown-up bedroom...however, I think we're getting there and finally making progress, and let me just tell you how much of a part Boll and Branch had in helping with this. Previously, we, probably much like many of you, tried to simply shop for affordable bedding sets, instead of really looking at true quality. Our lives were changed when we got our set from Boll and Branch and now I just want to go and buy ten more sets of everything! 

This company sells directly online to the consumer, saving money and eliminating the cost of a middleman or retail space. They also know the exact origin where their cotton comes from, and guarantee that their products are completely pure and chemical free. You can check out their incredibly inspiring story here to read further and get to know them a little better! 

My husband feels so antsy when furniture or rooms stay the same over consecutive months, so we have two ways in which we always rearrange our bedroom. From the photos above, that's usually my preference lighting wise; I love the white wall and the I Choose You poster that hangs above our bed. It also gives more walking space when you first enter the bedroom, but it also leaves us with no access to bedside tables, which can be a pain. If you're curious what the bedding you see above is called, let me help you out a little: 

Hemmed Pewter Duvet Cover
Hemmed White Sheet Set
Hemmed White Pillowcases
Antique White Cable Knit Throw

Our bedroom, believe it or not (ha!), is also the favorite hang out place for the kids AND our zoo of a pet family. The kids love to read in mama's bed and the dogs [and cats] obviously know as soon as fresh bedding is on and can tell a significant difference in the quality as WELL--getting them OFF has been a challenge. We arranged the room for another set of photos, and I'll tell you below what's different in these! 

Can you tell my daughter didn't want to be away from me the day these photos were taken? God love my husband and his patience. I also love the arrangement of our bed like this, our windows overlook the beautiful park, and we're able to use our bedside tables without tripping over them. The duvet and sheets are the same in these pictures, but we added Euro Pillows and used the throw a little more. 

Banded White/Pewter Euro Shams
 

Now that I have a new laptop (my old one hasn't functioned properly at ALL in the last few years!) and I'm no longer confined to my dining room office nook; I am LOVING using the bed to write, edit, and Pinterest all the live long day!  

Really and truly, I am honored to have found and worked with Boll and Branch. We spent some time talking on the phone and I learned so many great details of the back story behind the brand. The owners and founders, Missy and Scott Tannen, are incredible people, and their employees are just as great. If you're on the hunt for new bedding (or even towels and bath linens!!) do not look ANY further. And if you have questions about this post, PLEASE e-mail me. I can't stress the authenticity behind this post enough, we now LOVE our bed! 

When You're All She Needs

Let me preface with saying that I don't have this all figured out. You know, this whole 'mothering' thing. It's one of my dreams to be able to write a book and when people ask, "About what?" I usually respond with, "That's the problem, I'm not quite sure." Being Mom is one of my greatest passions, but in their mere three and four years, I don't feel like I have quite enough to say to write a BOOK. Perhaps I'll get there though, simply with documenting and sorting out thoughts here? Time will tell. 

Anyway, since I have been home with my kids, no longer working a Monday-Friday eight hour day, things look vastly different from what they did. Our kids have always had an in-home sitter, albeit a few different ones over the years, but they've never had to be cared for outside of the home. [Minus the first few months of Pierson's life when my generous mother-in-law watched him.] Both kids have always been fine with us working, because that's all they've ever known. Leaving and coming home, no tears or fussing or emotional messes, but that's all changed. My daughter Reese is three and a half. She is bold and daring and brave and adventurous, but another side has appeared since I've been home--and that's her anxious side. To us, it doesn't make sense; we are baffled, confused, frustrated and often emotionally exhausted because of her lately drastic tantrums. "Over what?" you may wonder. Well she's not having tantrums and whining about toys, clothing, or food... 

She's anxious about me. 

Heaven forbid Mom leave her sight, especially once her dad comes home. Maybe she feels the need to compete for my attention when he walks in the door? I'm not really sure what she is feeling because she can't communicate well enough about that specifically yet. She's bright as can be and actually socially advanced for her age; but when I ask, "Reese, why don't want Daddy to put you down?" she responds with, "Because I want YOU, Mommy." 

Recently I turned to Facebook, (what else do you do as a Mom in this era?) and made a general status inquiry. Any other moms' kids have anxiety when away from them? And by golly, you better believe it was a ten for ten YES. Today I went to a Moms' Day Out group with a friend and not knowing more than half of the women, I decided to ask the same question. Pretty much all of them have had or have something similar going on with their kids; usually in the 2-3.5 age range, but none of us could really pinpoint WHY. Why is it always mom? At least with one of the kids? My son definitely still prefers me with some of our routines, but I think that's just how children are wired in their chemistry? Maybe I'm wrong, but I really feel like all the kids I know want their mamas at bedtime, mama to tuck them in one more, mama to check on them in the middle of the night. But he's at least better about my husband DOING things for and with him. 

Like giving him a bath. Taking him out of the bath. Brushing his hair. Getting dressed. Getting put to bed. You get the point. 

But my DAUGHTER won't have it. When I'm home and physically present in some room of the house, she begs and pleads and let's just call it for what it is--she DEMANDS me. "Mommy come in and give me a bath. Mommy get me out of the bath! Mommy brush my hair. Mommy put my jammies on. Mommy put me down." 

I actually wrote a post in January 2016 titled Mommy Put Me Down, and here we are, one year later, and it might actually be "worse?" Worse isn't the word perhaps, I just mean it's increased, and there's an anxiety about her that hasn't quite been there before; or at least that had gone unnoticed? There's something about me being home, that translates in her mind, while I am physically in the house, I should never be away from her. If I'm downstairs finishing things up or tidying up dinner for example, she checks with my husband constantly, asking, "When will Mommy be up? When will Mommy be done?" 

My mom says that I was this way as a kid as well. I had a lot of anxiety and always wanted to be near her. But she always thought it was because she was gone a lot to take my brother who has special needs, to things like doctor appointments or school meetings, etc; and I was always nervous about when she'd come back. Well, I don't have obligations like that? I'm here, all the time, and Reese doesn't ever have to worry about the places I need to be. And actually, when I DO have things like photo sessions or meetings out of the house, she does fine. The childcare at the gym? She doesn't bat an eye. She gives me an extra hug or two but loudly yells, "Bye, Mommy!! I love you, Mommy!" and goes on to play. It's just HOME. And when she knows I am here, she doesn't think she needs anyone else. 

She needs me. 

If you're reading this and nodding your head; if you're like, "Oh yes, this is how it is in my household too," then maybe we just need to lean in on each other. I think about the children who lose their mothers at a young age, and those thoughts freeze me emotionally. I don't want my children to suffer with anxiety. I don't want them to deal with grief or trauma or turmoil. But I don't get to decide that. I don't pick and choose life events, I don't have a clue the experiences they will go through. 

All I can do is be enough. When you are all she (or he) needs, just be there. I'm twenty-eight and clearly I don't suffer from separation anxiety from my mom; but I do still NEED her. I'm not sure if other adult women talk to their moms as often as I do, but I sure hope and pray that Reese will need me the way I need mine when SHE'S all grown up! 

This season is hard. It really feels like we are in the trenches of parenting Reese, and constantly I pray that God would teach me how to be EXACTLY the mom she needs. A lady from the group this morning shared something SO powerful I wanted to tell you all about. She said her eight-year old recently has been struggling with extreme anxiety when they have to be apart. She's read a lot of books and said she's always been the mom who ravishes her girls for being strong and brave and bold; but that she doesn't spend a lot of time focusing on them also being beautiful. That's kind of the generation we are currently in I think, because most of us women are like, "You're pretty but that doesn't matter! Look how SMART you are!" In a recent book she read, she learned something new that drastically gave her sweet daughter peace. This woman said she sat down with her daughter in a recent panic episode, and told her this: 

"You are brave and smart, you are kind, and wonderful. You are beautiful and you are LOVED."

I almost started to cry when she shared, because what a benediction of sorts those words are. Inside all of us [ME included!] there's something that needs to be reminded of those two things: beauty + love. Maybe Reese needs me to be more patient and understanding when she goes into a panic. Maybe I too, should remind her of all the GOOD truths that she is. Perhaps it is necessary that as a 3-year old, she is told OFTEN not only how great she is, but also how beautiful and LOVED. Maybe she needs more words of affirmation than I give? 

Maybe she just needs me. 

And today I'm breathing a little easier telling myself that that may be okay. It might be tiring (exhausting) and I may want to hand her off to someone else so I can have a 'break,' but it won't always be this way. Not to this extreme. And I want nothing else than my baby girl to always want to lean on me. 

**Mamas of young ones, do you have experiences similar to this? Do you have any tips or suggestions for putting your little ones at ease over being away from you? I'd love to hear from you, so comment below or shoot me an email [in my contact page!] As always, thanks for reading, thanks for being here with me, and I pray you find peace and comfort wherever you are in this stage of life!**

Better to be Loved than Admired

Have you read or finished Present Over Perfect yet? If you haven't grabbed a copy of this book, PLEASE do yourself a favor and fix that. I was screen-shotting and typing out ginormous passages, texting them to my friends and family every other day while reading this. The chapters are all heavily underlined, and so many of the words are forever imprinted on my brain because honestly, being present is something the Lord is earnestly trying to teach me. 

I had a massive break down last month; desperately feeling alone, seeking words of affirmation from family members and really feeling as though on so many levels, I just wasn't connecting. I was getting overly discouraged when Instagram posts weren't doing as well as others have in the past [like, how did I ever get 3k likes on ONE photo? That will NEVER happen again!] And that sentence and realization RIGHT there, is what this post is all about. Whose likes matter? Why do they matter? What is the POINT of social media? There are so many different lessons I want to tie in to what I'm trying to say, but I'll try to take it slow so that I don't completely overwhelm (or bore) you. 

In a podcast listening to Lara Casey share her story [another author I highly encourage you to get familiar with!] she encouraged her listeners to STOP searching. She said, "Imagine your followers to be real life people, because they ARE, and imagine them being at your dining room table. If you even have ten followers, ten people, that's actually a LOT of people to be hosting in your home. So it's not necessarily a good thing trying to find MORE followers, more people who aren't presently with you in this season, because then you are distracted and not pouring in to the people who ARE at your side." That may have been terribly paraphrased, but her point was to be content with the people in your life, and to check yourself to see how you are trying to invest in THEM. With 13k followers, that's a crap ton of people; people who wouldn't actually FIT inside my home or at our dinner table--but that is thousands of people I get to semi interact with and influence with my words via Instagram. Do all 13k SEE my posts? No, of course not. But many do! So what message do I want to share with them? And beyond that, with 13k followers, how many do I ACTUALLY have a real, meaningful relationship with? How many of us can say that we have one at all? You can have hundreds of THOUSANDS, millions even, of quote on quote followers--but are they who at the end of the day, matter? 

Going back to Shauna Niequist's book, she has an entire chapter dedicated to "It's All Right Here." Let me share with you my most convicting points (pages 110-114): 

• -Making someone feel loved in an instant is SO much easier than showering someone your love OVER AND OVER, day in and day out. 
• -It feels good to be good at something, to master something, to control something when marriage and intimacy often feel profoundly OUT of our control.
• -Little by little, we tiptoe away. 
• -The distance seems to always create space for another person, and then there's a whole new level of pain and violation. [YES, because this has happened TO ME]
• -When things are hard and painful and barbed at home, what a LOVELY thing it is to be loved at your work, right? What a lovely and DANGEROUS thing. 
• -It's EASY to be liked by STRANGERS. It's very HARD to be loved and connected to the people in your home when you're always bringing them your most exhausted self and resenting the fact that the scraps you're giving them isn't cutting it. 
• -It is better to be LOVED than admired. It is better to be truly KNOWN and seen and taken CARE of by a small tribe than adored by STRANGERS who think they know you in a meaningful way. 
• -People out THERE are easier than the ones in here. 
• -It's ALL in here, NOT out there. 

I'm here to tell you as a person with thousands of followers [and embarrassingly enough, as an "Influencer" this does not necessarily *sound* like a large number to me]; it doesn't matter, because you can and will still feel lonely. In another podcast listening to Dale Partridge talk with a Pastor, the Pastor said something along the lines of, "No matter the number, your feelings will still be the same." He said he had always imagined that when his church got to 500 members, that would be it, and he would feel like he had arrived. And he now has a church with over 40,000 people attending his different churches each week. The same goes for  many of us in our 'following.' [If you can't relate, bless you, but perhaps you still do with feeling fully loved and cherished inside your own walls.] I LITERALLY remember 10k being "the magic number" on Instagram. "Oh once you hit 10k, big things will start happening," I was told. Well, let me let YOU in on a little secret. That's not exactly true. "Maybe when I hit 15k?" I've thought. Or 20k? But honestly, I follow a LOT of 'mommy bloggers' and women who have an incredibly large following, and do you know what I hear as the common thread? 

That they can still be lonely. That they can still spend too much time on social media, that they often fall short of comparing themselves to other, to doubting whether or not they should just walk away, and so many other similar thoughts that I, a woman with 13k followers, have as well. Why? 

Because our love is not OUT there. 

Because our tribe is INTERNAL. 

Because the ones who not only KNOW us but LOVE us, are sitting AT our table. 

Because the children we are rolling around with on the floor, and the husband we hold hands with on the couch--they, are who matters. 

Sometimes this realization is scary. I've had lots of doubts about posting, sharing, writing, conversing. But a quote from Shauna sums my heart up so well, and I am guessing yours too: 

"Sometimes brave is being quiet. Being brave is getting off the drug of performance. For me, being brave is trusting that what my God is asking of me, what my family and community is asking from me, is TOTALLY different than what our culture says I should do. Sometimes, brave looks boring, and that's totally, absolutely, okay" (126). 

"...Getting off the drug of performance," yes. Do I need to post a picture every day to be loved? Maybe, to be admired. But deep down I know that relationships are not virtual; they are physical. I love the groups I'm a part of on threads on Instagram. I've gotten close with women in Colorado, California, Illinois, Canada, Oregon, North Carolina, and SO many different states. I'm thankful for them and I long to one day create an IG meet-up! But these relationships are not ENOUGH to BE enough. Do not second guess yourself because of your social media presence, do not doubt your identity based on the thoughts, moods, and opinions of others. 

It is better to be LOVED than admired. And friends?

You already are.

When You Don't Feel Ready

How did you know you were ready?

Have you heard that before? In relation to having children, or settling on your degree, or getting married; this is a common question I often hear. And honestly? It's a question I still ask myself in relation to a LOT of things. 

I recently listened to Dale Partidge's Startup Camp podcast and he was interviewing Pastor Steven Furtick. I had a long drive from Louisville to Wilmore, Kentucky and I turned it on right as my behind was getting super sore, my eyes a little fuzzy, and when I needed a boost of energy for the miles to go. 

'You will NEVER feel ready', was one of the many quotes that I audibly and to myself, agreed with. Dale related this to the day they were being released from the hospital with their first child and I laughed. My husband and I often remember this exact day and moment for us with our first born, Pierson. "We get to just take him HOME? And no one is going to stop us?" We felt slightly panicked and nervous; there was no user manual or 'one right way' that we would parent this boy. We didn't know anything about breastfeeding or burping or which of his cries meant what. We just had to DO it--be parents. Day by day, hour by hour, and as we buckled him in the carseat [seriously SHOCKED that no one was standing by to ensure that we were doing it correctly], that was just the beginning of the scares and thrills of parenting we'd endure. He hasn't even started kindergarten yet, I can only imagine the things we are about to experience. 

How did we know we were ready to have kids? We didn't. Because we still aren't ready. We aren't ready for the failures we'll endure, the heart ache they'll go through, or the immeasurable amounts of money that will be spent on them as the years pass by. We don't feel ready, but we can still trust. And I think God says, sweetly, not vindictively, "Daughter, just you wait." 

Beyond children and the typical scenarios this question is most often related to, in my heart of hearts there's something that I don't quite feel ready for--even though I'm already doing it: 

this. 

This season of quiet; this season of being still. The waiting, listening, praying, and being more present and open than ever. 

When I talk dreams to my husband, I tell him that it's like having a million little houses placed all around my brain. There's the photographer house, blogger, writer, mom, wife, teacher... the travel house, michigan house, and horse farm house. And just like that, they keep multiplying. A visionary is a much nicer label for what someone like me IS, but really and truly, I'm a dreamer, and it's not always a good thing. It's like God gave me all of these things and right now, I can't for the life of me figure out what the ONE thing is. But at the same time, I do. 

For an entire year, God blessed me with amazing clients and some really awesome collaborations. Why? Because I asked Him to. I wanted to take some time out of the classroom to stay home with my kids before our son starts kindergarten (which is in a mere six months, choking back tears here!) While I was teaching, I was basically working seven days a week with the photo sessions and product photography and blog posts that I was getting paid to do. So all of that honestly felt like extra; on the side, abundant, excessive, and really pretty awesome. And now, here I am. Home. The money is all in our savings, every other week my husband pulls what I need as a 'paycheck' to cover our expenses and bills, and I'm here. I am not what you would call 'hustling.' The emails are few and far between, photography sessions are kind of stagnant, and I went from doing it all, to feeling like that's almost vanished. My brain is spinning and I have a lot of questions, but I can faintly here the whisper again, "Daughter, just you wait." 

'You don't have a lot of vision when you start,' Steven said. 'But the challenge is believing when you see nothing,' he told Dale. Right now, Motherhood is calling. I asked to be MOM, and to have that be my sole responsibility, and God answered. But I don't have a lot of vision for this coming year or what life will look like. I don't have people knocking down my door to take pictures or to write for them; I don't have huge companies asking for a partnership. And I think that's because God is asking me to water what I DO have, even though I'm not sure what will come up. We've been looking for a new house for TWO years, y'all. That is a VERY long time. My heart is quenched with thirst for land and open space. I want to see horses in our backyard and actually, I want to SIT with my horses IN my backyard. While I drove through Versailles and into the cute and quaint Wilmore, Kentucky, tears swelled in my eyes. Foals ran next to their mothers, horses were rolling on their backs in the morning dew, some were sleeping lying down and I said aloud, "This, God. This is what you created me for." 

But my 'visionary' self isn't always very realistic. If I could sell my house and move to the middle of nowhere and not worry about jobs or money or bills and budgets, I would. Because in my fantasy world, I'd put on a cotton dress, hang our linens on a clothesline, pick fresh eggs from the chicken coop with my children, play tag in the pastures with our horses, and it would all be perfectly peachy keen. And then I would end up in JAIL because I wouldn't be able to make payments on our car, student loans, house, or medical bills. Thank God my husband can simultaneously push me forward to keep dreaming, as well as draw me back into patience and prayer.

There's a process here, and even though on quiet days it's sometimes the hardest to hear, I am being told, "Daughter, just you wait." 

If money were no object, I would own a horse farm and do equine therapy with troubled youth and special needs children. I would use our farm to bring fellowship and community throughout whatever zip code we lived in. Asa and I would love people, raise our children, and ride horses. I would do photography whenever I wanted, write all the time, and it would be simple. 

But money is obviously something that *most* of us do have to factor in. So while I have a huge chunk of freedom not working five days a week, I'm going to try hard not to worry about why things are quiet, and instead thank God that they are. My days consist of mothering and shepherding two young souls; a strenuous yet magical task. Whatever the Lord tells me next, I have a feeling it's going to be beautiful. Ready or not, He WILL pave the way, and He will make our path known. When you don't feel ready, just trust.