Thoughts On Moving

Who here watches Modern Family? Did every single one of you raise your hand? Well, maybe raising your hand while reading a blog post is weird... but anyway. I KNOW you watch Modern Family. In the episode where Luke graduates high school, Claire tells her husband Phil that it's okay to cry. 

"It's okay, I'm all cried out," he said. "It's like there's no moisture left in my body. I'm worried if I blink, that my eyes will get stuck...I am dead inside." Everyone around him sobs as Luke's name is called and they reminisce his childhood. Phil is blank faced, no emotion left, and really, all cried out. 

That's me, guys. I am literally ALL cried out. 

Our house sold (as most of you know) within three hours tops the day we listed it, June 7. It was an over asking price offer and the first showing of the day. After talking with several people we highly respect and a few realtor friends, we knew we'd be crazy if we didn't accept it. Here we are, two weeks later, and I can't even tell you how many times we have said aloud, "We never should have sold our house." We knew it would be a leap of faith to list it, and we knew it would sell. Originally we thought we would be moving to some land and a place I could have a horse, or at least if nothing else, to a more spaced out neighborhood where the kids could make some nice friends. "A bigger house and more space inside and out," THAT was my goal in listing our home. 

We pretty quickly discovered that we couldn't move outside of Jefferson County unless we could pay tuition for Pierson's kindergarten. He's going to school with my husband, and we feel pretty passionate about that, at least for this year. Not moving out of district means there's really no way we can get 5-6 acres worth of land affordability. It's a good thing I guess that our offer fell through on the 5 acre horse farm in Shelbyville we wanted... but at the same time, I have been completely mourning. 

"WHY did we sell our house??" I've cried. I can go through the positive reminders, but sometimes that's just too hard and not even good enough. It's like as soon as we signed the paperwork and went under contract with the buyers, I fell in love with our home all over again. I started to love the backyard more than I ever have, the charm of the home felt even more magical, and as I have layed in bed each night, I've thought, "No bedroom will ever be as wonderful as this one." The difficulty for me has been though, we have no place to go (yet.) I can't imagine the goodness of new chapters of our life because there hasn't been a home that has accepted our offer (yet.) With only a week left of June, we have been on SUCH a time crunch. We wanted to have a contract on our future home by July 1 so that our closing could align with the closing of our home and we don't stay in a limbo period, or temporary housing. It was a conversation I had with my brother recently that helped change my pretty closed mindset, and help me see that what we are moving to next, is not permanent.  

"Your kids only live in the box you put them in," he said. And of course this is literal and figurative.  "Maybe you should look at houses you go into as if your option is THIS, or moving into a crappy rental that will be too expensive and small." Both he and Asa have suggested this actually, and honestly, it's given me a lot of peace of mind. Yesterday we found a GORGEOUS home, pretty far out in the East End of Louisville [complete opposite of where we're living NOW,] and as soon as we walked inside, we felt a sense of peace. And that's exactly what we have been praying about, peace. We've offered on three homes so far, and in each one, they were homes I could see us in; but I don't think the feeling was mutual.  I'm always going to be attracted to big yards and there's something magical about a lifestyle with more outdoor space...but the homes have needed SO much work. The house we saw yesterday was smack dab in the middle of a subdivision, and it had a VERY small yard. For us, it meant 8/10 requirements, and the two cons were those. Albeit, those are pretty giant cons for me...but the interior and space inside couldn't be beat. We have talked A LOT, prayed A LOT, and both of us feel at peace knowing that the next house is temporary. That maybe there we will be able to save money, do our research, find some land and BUILD our dream home. I think it's doable. And I think we'll have some time to figure it out. If nothing else, that gives me some hope. I can't let go of my dream of land and horses in our backyard, so I know that I will just have to keep praying. Needless to say, we put an offer on that home. While we were feeling all pumped that 'this was it,' we were smacked HARD in the face when we found out they didn't even want to see or hear our offer--they wanted to wait until this coming Sunday at FIVE pm. The day we saw it, there were twenty other showings already scheduled, and it still has yet to have its' open house this weekend. I can only imagine the multitude of offers this house is going to receive, and the giant pile the couple is going to be sorting through...NOT a fun thought. 

 Three days ago we drove to a historic home that sat on 1.5 acres IN the city of Louisville. Before going, we meticulously studied the layout of the photos online, and I knew my husband wasn't impressed. But as soon as we pulled up, my heart was already outside of my chest and in absolute yard HEAVEN, as I pictured the dinners and future parties we would surely be throwing there. There is a 200-yr old tree in the front yard, and the kids and my husband immediately climbed on to it's ancient and low branches. At the top of the budget, I knew this house would have to be something that we could happily live with for many years to come, unable to make changes or updates. We walked through the front door and immediately I saw some big 'uh-ohs,' and I gulped, not wanting to admit them. The living room as the master bedroom, for one. The smallest [and worst off] kitchen we had yet seen, the family room with no windows, being taken up entirely by a sectional. I should mention my husband yet again barely fit in the basement and did NOT fit in the showers, and there was not a single space there for HIM, where he could put his workout room or fit his favorite gray rocking chair. I proceeded to NOT listen to the wisdom in my head (also known to me as the Holy Spirit) and my selfless husband supported me as I said, "We still have to make an offer." Our realtor wrote up all the paperwork, we signed all 300 pages, the kids exhausted in the car going back and forth between whining and laughing and screaming, and when it was all done and over, I started to cry. Yes I know, imagine that, Ashley crying right now. Not an uncommon occurrence. 

We drove away from the beautiful yard and my husband re-explained to me why it wasn't a great idea but that he loved me and wanted to support my dream of having a yard. We had promised the kids a McDonalds cone and when they went inside to order, I called our realtor. I sat on the concrete, head in my lap, begging for her wisdom and judgement. Ten minutes later, I said, "Please pull out our offer." My heart and my head just haven't lined up this last month. I see a potential dream and I want to snatch it and it never seems to be what the Lord wants. YOU GUYS, here in this space, have meant SO much to me. I put up a photo on Instagram that evening, pouring my heart there, to friends and virtual strangers, explaining my breaking heart. SO many of you commented paragraph long comments, sharing comfort with me, empathizing, and sending your prayers--106 comments, and I was just blown away. I put up the same photo on Facebook with the same caption, and so many of my close friends and family did the same thing: long paragraphs relating and praying, uplifting and encouraging me. 

I just wanted to say, your words haven't gone unnoticed and are not in vain. I have felt every single one, and I am finally starting to feel glimmers of hope. I am not sure that we will get the house we just offered on, and we won't know for three more days [which feels like an ETERNITY!!!!] I wrote a hand written letter, included the photo in this blog post, we offered everything we felt we could, offered to waive an inspection, gave more in a good faith deposit....I mean literally, this has been the strongest offer we've made yet. Next week feels like the deadline, though I'm working hard not to feel that way. I go back and forth between feeling God is going to give us the miracle of this house, to feeling like a hundred other people are going to blow our offer out of the water. 

My thoughts on moving? This has been the hardest thing my husband and I have ever been through, and that's saying something if you know part of our story from several years ago. I've cried harder and longer than I ever knew I could, the tension has been tight, the kids have been through the ringer seeing TONS of homes and having the expectations of being good and obedient. We are all tired and just plain EXHAUSTED. Wherever we end up, I am begging God to just bring us peace. 

And may He already be preparing our DREAM home many years down the road. Because I never., EVER, want to do this again. 

When Your Baby Turns 5: A Letter to My Boy

"Nonsense. Young boys should never be sent to bed. They always wake up a day older, and then before you know it, they're grown." -J.M. Barrie

Surely it was yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital. Father's Day 2012 to be exact. In your little lion knit hat, a lion embroidered onesie, your dad and I drove away from the hospital and we knew it then--we were setting out on the biggest adventure of our life. But wait, sweet boy, the reality is that actually, now you are turning five. And as much as I hold tightly to the memory of you as a newborn, the truth is, you haven't been one for quite a while. That summer was a magical one. The three of us tucked inside our well air conditioned home, the dogs gently licking you from time to time, the cats curious but content; it was the summer of lazy days, long naps, and cuddling on the couch whenever we wanted to. We didn't have a care in the world, and I can't remember a more simple season than that one. 

It all changed of course once your sister was born. You were a mere fifteen months old, just a baby yourself in my eyes. I remember when you ran in to the hospital room with your Gg, you were so excited. You wore a 'Big Brother' shirt and I snapped some very blurry shots of you loving on your new sis. You of course won't remember a day without her, and while I think I barely will either--I do cherish the times it was just you and me. I love her, of course! But the first fourteen months of your life was just all about YOU. Watching you learn to sit, crawl, walk, run, your first time in a pool, you meeting 100-year old Gram, your first foods, sickness, teeth. Gosh, now it is a blur but at the same time, it feels like a movie reel replaying in my head and heart constantly. Nothing was wrong at all once we were gifted with our Reese, but suddenly you had became bigger, and when we brought her home, I realized how having my second baby made my first, you, seem so grown.

In Shauna Niequist's devotional, Savor, which I received on Mother's Day of this year, the first devotional for me to read was May 13th's and she said this about her son: 

"I see flashes of Henry's future face all the time in him...and because he's on the tight rope walk of little boy and big boy. Yesterday at his kindergarten screening I saw both of them--the little boy and the big--in alternating moments. He was shy and proud; he was uncertain and full of swagger. He was little and he was big, right in the same day, in the same moments."

Hello, tears. Pierson Clive, I see in you daily, the little and the big. You are brave and strong, yet you want your mama close by often. When you trip and fall and the tears stream down your face, I scoop you up and embrace you in my arms. Your long legs spill over mine and I fear the day that you will be too big to sit in my lap. (Some days I wonder why God couldn't have created me to be taller JUST so you'd seem little a tad longer?)  I've had to press pause while writing this over the past several weeks, yes, weeks. I can't seem to find the time to sit and consistently type longer than a few minutes or so, and honestly as I write, I just can't stop crying. I'm currently wondering if other moms my age ever experience this, what I'm feeling. I am so proud of you, yet at the same time, it feels as if my heart is literally breaking as I know you are hitting a gigantic milestone, and getting so very big. 

Currently we are on vacation in Gulfport, Mississippi. We drove ten hours to stay at the beach for a week, and it has been the most amazing thing watching you swim in the ocean, diving head first in to the shallow waves, being an awesome big brother to your little sis. While walking back to our hotel, we all witnessed a car blow out two tires and come to a skidding stop on the shoulder across the street. It was pretty traumatic for both you and Reese, and while your dad walked over to help the frazzled driver, you asked me to pray aloud and ask Jesus to help the man be okay. You guys wouldn't stop talking about it, even though I tried to reassure you that everything was okay. "I just need to go to a quiet place when we get back to the hotel, Mom. I just need to talk to Jesus alone and ask Him for help." Sure enough, the three of us walked into our room and you put your shoes away, quietly shut the bathroom door, and I listened with my ear against the door to hear your sweet voice speaking to Jesus. You prayed so sincerely, confident that Jesus would help this man. Your dad and I could not be more proud of the boy you are; one who runs to your Creator when you are frightened, one who believes that He can fix all things. 

Your little and your big, I can see both. Your childlike innocence and faith, I have watched it grow exponentially and am in awe of you.

I have to remind myself that you are turning five, not fifteen, and absolutely not twenty-five. We have a long journey to walk together, many more memories and moments while you are yes, still little. You aren't a baby anymore and you're not a toddler; I think now you're officially a KID. Somehow five years have come and gone. The little lion baby that we brought home from the hospital has turned into a child who loves to draw, color, write, and read. Your small hands love to create and your heart loves to love. You tell me all the time that you love everyone, and that you can feel your heart getting bigger because it just loves "so many people." You remind me a lot of childhood me, Pierson; if you can't tell, I feel things so very deeply and it's very evident that you do too. 

I pray that with your feelings, I can help you sort through them with strength and stability. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with love for you kids that I think surely I'll pool up and melt right into the ground, but I'm not sure that's exactly rational. I hope that you continue to chase and rest in Jesus and that when I let you down and disappoint you, you'll be able to feel His arms. Pierson, thank you for being my boy. My first born. The child who first made me a mama. The one who always wants me, who wraps his arms around me, who tells me that he loves it when I wear dresses. Thank you for being mine.

Here's to five [and many more!] years, Buddy. These five went by so quickly, and if you remember them at all, I pray you'll remember how loved you are. You're my big little guy, P Man. And I love you to the moon and back. 

Love, 

Mama.

Are You There God? It's Me, Ashley

I haven't been to the gym in like, a decade. After running the Mini Marathon I decided that I needed a break. Sooooo, except for the few occasional outdoor runs I've done, I've pretty much done absolutely nothing workout wise. When my friend Liz invited me to go this morning, I said yes. Mainly because I missed her and we desperately needed to catch up, and also because it was a perfect chance to get my daughter out of the house to play with some friends her age [my son was spending the morning with a cousin.] As we 'briskly walked,' as we like to call it, I confided in Liz my frustrations spiritually in this season.  

"It's not that I'm suddenly denouncing God or walking away from my faith," I said. "I am just in a season of struggling to find hope." We went on to talk and I told her that I just didn't get why MANY things were happening. Like my oldest brother who has severe special needs for instance. He suffers, SO MUCH. He has colitis and osteoporosis and a motility disorder, and really, the list could go on. But why? For what? It's so hard sometimes to believe the good in a Heavenly Father when you witness the most innocent man on the planet suffering; it just is. And then the five acre horse farm that we put on offer on, that we didn't get. That night I sat in our backyard, told my husband I needed to be alone, told my mother I couldn't talk on the phone because I wanted to be alone, and I just sobbed to God. When I can't talk to those two people, you know I'm not in a good place.

"It sounds like you're living the Judy Blume book, Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret," Liz said. I laughed and said, "OH my word, you nailed it!!" 

Tuesday of this week a photographer came and took pictures of our house for the future sale listing. Wednesday late afternoon, the listing went live and within a few minutes, our first showing was scheduled. Wednesday MORNING, as tears fell down my cheeks the second my feet touched the ground, I prayed this: 

"God, I'm not really happy with you right now. I don't believe that you care where we end up. I don't have a lot of trust in you. I don't have much hope. But if you could make something cool happen today? That would be great." 

Here's how it looks getting ready to show our house: 

-Quickly bake chocolate chip cookies
-Set out the printed letter(s) to prospective buyers, as well as the renovation sheet
-Sprint to make sure all the rooms are in excellent order and trashes are taken out
-Put a bowl of water outside, push the black cat Sammy outdoors
-Put the orange cat, Alfie, in cat carrier to take with us
-Load the dogs in the car and drop off in one of the siblings' fenced backyards
-Load the kids and Alfie in the car, and be gone for however long

I took an Instagram story video yesterday of the litter box on my lap, Alfie sandwiched between the kids, and the dogs panting, Humphrey barking in the trunk. "I hope our house sells quickly," I said. 

We returned home, saw that most of the cookies had been eaten, and there was a note that said, "Thank you so much, your house is BEAUTIFUL." No sooner did our shoes come off was our realtor calling my husband. We both thought that for sure if it was an offer, it would be below our asking price of $175. I heard Asa laugh and say, "Wow, before I just tell you yes, I know that I still need to talk this over with Ashley." Um, what? Duh you have to talk to me! 

We had just been given an over our asking price offer. They were approved for a conventional loan, said that they loved the house exactly as it is, and were flexible (July 31st) with a close date. They wanted an answer by 10pm last night. If you follow me on Instagram or are friends with me on Facebook, you've already seen what we decided: a big giant YES! 

No more house showings? No more stress or trying to keep the house in perfect show ready condition? No more animals being shuttled, no more drop of the hat living? YES! I knew that I needed to thank God, because very clearly, this was a God given offer. I believe that He was so generous that when I had asked him that morning to 'do something cool,' He responded with, "Okay, Daughter. Here." I mean, who sells their house after ONE showing, to the first family who walks in the door?? US, that's who! 

 I am grateful, and I believe that was a God ordained gift. Except I can't lie to you. I am still having a hard time trusting the next steps. Does He CARE where we end up? Does it matter to HIM which house we end up in? What part of town? Does He care that I want a horse; that my heart LONGS for a horse? Wasn't it Him who created me with my desires, with these dreams? I have to believe yes. Even though it's hard.

My sweet sister-in-law Ali in Rhode Island texted me yesterday and I have to share her words when I explained to her my loss of hope: 

"There is Biblical evidence that God can and DOES order the most specific, tiny details of our lives. Not to mention the flowers dressed beautifully or the sparrows that He knows. He is looking out for you guys. Even when, especially when, it hurts." 

Guys, I am SO super thankful to Jesus for selling our home within HOURS of it being on the market. I think that is a miracle that HE performed, that HE orchestrated. But I hope you can still understand that there's a big giant part of me over here, curled up in this home of mine with my arms stretched high and I'm asking,          

 "Are You There, God? It's ME, Ashley."  

Where will we go? We aren't sure just yet. I guess you'll have to stay tuned ;) 

Vacationing On the Gulf: Our Summer Kickoff

Last summer, Asa and I planned a trip to Gulfport, Mississippi WITHOUT the kids and looking back, I am completely shocked that it happened. Between the kids' strep throat, fevers, and body rashes; not to mention the MULTIPLE people left in charge switching shifts to care for them, well, I'm in awe. [To the other Glass Family, we completely still owe you for all you did for us that week!!! Holy goodness we are forever grateful!!!] 

Anyway, one of my dear friends Chelcey, hooked us up in a Courtyard Hotel because she has family ties here, and it was everything we needed, and more. A suite with great air conditioning, a giant pool outside, and amazingly friendly staff--not to mention the OCEAN being directly across the street. We had such a sweet time that we knew we'd bring our kids back, if we could. Lo and behold, arrangements were made for this summer, and we've had this trip on the books for months. We drove ten hours from Louisville all the way here, with only two very short stops. Pierson (turns 5 in two weeks) and Reese (3.5) are constantly amazing me with their travel skills!!! Minimal complaining, several naps, good lunches, and lots of movies--we made it! 

So, how's it been? 

It's been GREAT. We stayed in another suite, with two adjoining rooms, and we brought a queen sized air mattress for Reese. Pierson used the pull-out sofa for his bed, and they slept side by side every night. Between hours spent at the pool and beach, our littles one took amazing two hour plus naps EVERY day. Sunshine + water = the BEST nap equation. 

The first night, we walked on over to Shaggy's Restaurant, one of our favorites from last summer because of the atmosphere. It has an amazing deck and patio, and you can hear the waves crashing on the beach right across from you as you eat. Two of our other dinners were spent at Tony's Brick Oven Pizzeria, where the kids were given fresh dough to play with; and Asa and I indulged in freshly cooked pizza and/or pasta. It's definitely our favorite FOOD of the trip, but we love both restaurants. One night we ordered Dominos Pizza to the room and sat in bed in our pajamas, watching a movie and completely vegging out. Figuring out food in a room with no kitchen was a little tricky, but it all completely worked out. Their breakfasts and lunches we were able to do in the room, and of course, all the snacks galore. 

Gulfport is a quiet town, recovering from 2005's Hurricane Katrina. MOST of the town was completely demolished by that storm, including over 40 libraries, and so many other businesses. There are a lot of spaces for sale, that have been empty for SO long. Asa and I daydream about buying one of the newly built craftsman homes here and using it as a vacation rental. With restaurants within walking distance, and our kids being able TO walk the distance, it's been such a fun trip for all of us. I never would have fathomed that our 3 and 4-year old would do SO well being in a brand new place, ten hours from home, sleeping well, and staying in good spirits, but I guess that goes to show you how clueless I am? 

We aren't in another country or traveling around Europe, but we're doing just fine exploring what we have in the U.S and I think we're enjoying every minute! North and South Carolinas this past spring, Michigan often, and now Mississippi as a family--how cool is that?? 

Anyway, here are a few of my favorite pictures. I actually didn't take that many, (I know, you're scoffing), and only used my camera a couple days out of the trip. I had wanted to take *so* many more, but it did rain, a LOT, so I'm in love with what we did get :) I also didn't wash my hair like, the entire time, and now I'm convinced I just need to live on or close to an ocean soooooooo.