Cried Out Eyes + Living Loved

It's late. My eyes are swollen and tired from not one, but two evenings spent crying. Not gonna lie, being a female doesn't particularly help this time of the month [I literally will sob over spilled milk], but you know what? I'm just tired. Tired of living unloved. Of not believing the Truth, of not claiming it. Of not living it. 

Have you been there? 

I have the very best women surrounding me in this season. I inherited sisters eight years ago and a sister was never something I had growing up. I have supportive parents. A prayer warrior of a mom. A loving husband. I even have a very large community of women here in this space, within Instagram and this blog, that I absolutely love and adore. So why then is my immediate reaction to conclude, "She doesn't love me." 

This afternoon I took a chance to share something vulnerable and immediately walked away from the computer in tears. I put words in their mouth, that never came from the person I contacted. I was convinced that I had made a mistake, that they thought I was silly or immature, and that surely they wouldn't love me as much after reading what I had to say. And then I was reminded of Lysa TerKeurst's words in Uninvited regarding the woman at the gym, "...obviously I don't know what went through her head, but it has me thinking about all the many times I assign thoughts to others that they never actually think. I hold them accountable to harsh judgements they never make. And I own a rejection from them they never gave me" (29). 

There were a few moments of silence, of no response, and suddenly a, 'Hey let me get back to you later!' and I was ready to hit the ground running. Except not really running. I sat. And cried. And felt panicked and at a loss. I hugged my husband as I choked on words, "I still can't handle some of my friendships losses, I can't believe that we don't hang out anymore. Why doesn't she want to be closer friends?!" And how all THAT baggage related to what I was presently going through--I have NO idea. Except that I do this often. It's a BIG reason I started seeing a counselor months ago, because deep down in my heart I knew that I was loved, and yet, I couldn't stop these negative thoughts. 

These negative thoughts should have zero place in my mind or heart. None. "You are a dearly loved sister, a dearly loved daughter to the mighty and kind KING," my brother's wife texted me recently. Is that hard for any of you to fully grasp, like it is for me? My counselor did some exercises with me and one of the methods we did was visually decorating a giant sign that said STOP. And any time I started to feel myself turn negative, or go down the irrational rabbit trail, I would say, "STOP, Ashley! This is NOT helping!" Sometimes, if I'm like really on it mentally and emotionally, that helps. But 75% of the time, truthfully it doesn't. 

Lysa said, "Live from abundant place that you are LOVED and you won't find yourself begging others for scraps of love." Ouch. (There's a reason I'm hosting a book talk for this book!) With every chapter I've been convicted and reminded of God's saving grace. Of how He loves me, calls me, encourages me to sit quietly at His feet. Or crying at His feet. However I am, He'll take me.

I, like you, live in a day and age where life is just hectic. Either we have kids to care for, rooms to pick up, meals to prep, exercise to be had, pictures to be posted, e-mails to respond to, stories to share, friends to hang out with, families to love on. Which all means, just how easily distracted are we? I want to be better at living more securely. I want to be able to do all of the above, but also when it gets hard and I'm sitting in my daughter's bedroom crying, of silencing myself at His feet. At feeling His love. I want to hear the words coming from the women in my life; from my parents, my husband, my own children, and to walk and LIVE that way:

Cherished.
Appreciated.
Valued. 
Loved.

Do you long for this too? Of dwelling in His trust that life doesn't have to be perfect; there can and will be conflict, moments of pause, friends who need to wait to respond. And that none of that means you are loved ANY less? I'm not sure how to help one another, other than maybe being one giant support group, but heck, maybe that's what we need? Anyone want to create a Facebook group for living loved? Ha. If you do, add me to it! But regardless, let's pray for one another, cheer each other on, and walk through this life together. Sister, you may be hundreds or thousands of miles away but I'm right here holding your hand.. Comment, e-mail, share with someone who needs this reminder today and please know; you are loved. 

ps: I was reminded after a *very* long phone call (aka cry fest) with my mom yesterday: the job will never be done. It will never be over. There will be days that we feel like we're put back together, our pieces picked up, like we're doing GREAT; and then we'll be left feeling unloved all over again and we will HAVE to remind ourself of the Truths from our Creator. Thanks, Mom. For always loving me, counseling me, and sharing a heart with me.

At the End of Your Worst Day

As time has gone by, refusing to slow down, as it insists, there are a lot of memories swirling inside this twenty-eight year old brain. I could tell you a few from childhood; like when I 'ran away to my Grandma's house' because I was so upset and angry. Or the time I sprinted down our dirt road insisting that I would 'never go back,' because I didn't want to accept that our very old border collie wouldn't be coming back. I can remember some pretty painful experiences from break-ups, lies I had told, mistakes I had made, and friendships that went sourly awry. But as I've grown and aged, it's almost as if those things at this point seem silly--minuet, tiny, not so large in the grand scheme of things. 

As adults, we most often remember and dwell upon the 'worst day' in these present years. I won't ever forget mine, and I'm 100% sure that no matter how big or small, YOU can remember yours. Though it was years ago, it's also practically yesterday. The night out that I had, the very split second that I allowed another man to bump his way into my mind and heart... when the bomb went off, the sirens exploded, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. In that instant, when my brain screamed, "Ashley! This is NOT okay!! What are you going to tell your husband?!" 

For months after the emotional garbage that took place, I was a panicked wreck. Comparing myself to other women, even women on TV shows, swearing at myself and snarling, "They would never do this. Not in a million years. NO woman has ever screwed up like this." You see... growing up I was convinced that women don't screw up. Men do. Women don't think about leaving their marriages, running the other way, being with someone else--MEN do. The wives, the mothers; no, never. Not in a hundred years, or a million. It has to be the husband who causes havoc. 

Except that's NOT true. Not even a little bit. Did you know that females can screw up too? Some of you know my story, our story. You may be wondering from this post, 'What in the WORLD happened?' No, I didn't ever physically cheat on my husband. I didn't even ever come close. But the day some other guy told me that I 'looked cute,' was the day that I started to slide very fast down the relationship avalanche. When I started to care about my appearance, and not for the man that I took vows with. When I started to wonder, 'Did I get married too young? What would it be like if I just left?'

You see, friends? I REMEMBER MY WORST DAY. 

And while recently listening to Bob Goff speak at church (how blessed am I!?!) I was reminded of this perfectly refreshing truth:

"Even in your worst moment, when God looks at you, he whispers, Beloved."

'Who ARE you?' Bob asked. And the answer is this: Yes, I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a teacher, photographer, blogger, and whatever else. But most importantly, I am a daughter of GOD. And I am His beloved. At the end of my WORST day, He was still whispering, "Ashley, you are my BELOVED. Will you please accept and embrace this?" 

I also want to mention that at the end of this worst day, my husband stared deep in to my eyes and said, "Ashley, I will be here tomorrow when you wake up. I choose YOU." Honestly it was so hard for me to hear that; I felt guilty and worthless, useless, and like a screw-up. But that wasn't because anyone who genuinely loved me was making me feel that way--that was because I couldn't quite yet hear the powerful truth and message that my Creator was speaking through the man I married.

Do you have a 'worst day?' Maybe yours isn't as severe or emotional as mine. Honest to God I hope and pray that I never have to endure something as painful as this [as does my husband!], but I know I will continue to have bad days as the years proceed. And maybe you think your worst day is so much worse... Sisters, Friends; I sit here behind this screen and am praying for your heart + soul. May you hear His voice tonight, may you know the Truth that you are worthy. You are beautiful, radiant, valued, worthy, and beloved. Sinner? Yes. Absolutely, because we all are. No matter our fight and chase to the Cross, we STILL screw up. But He is always there, and always waiting. Ready to pick you up, catch you, embrace you, and love you. And, who is there calling you Beloved at the end of your worst day? 

**Whoever you are, wherever you are--may you know that I will pray for you. Send me an e-mail or just simply post a comment that you are ____ and that you need some extra prayer. Thank you for reading, and thank God for His grace; right?!**

Photo by: Jana Glass

New Year, No Resolution

2016 was an incredible year. I mean really and truly, more positive and exciting things happened for me business wise that I never could have imagined. I remember last December, planning to launch this blog with the sole intention of seeing if I would enjoy it. I wanted a space to document our family, my writing and keep somewhat of an online journal. Never in a million years would I have fathomed that my Body Shaming post would reach as far as ABC, Good Morning America, the Huffington Post, UK blogs, and far beyond. In fact, I wouldn't have believed you if you told me that was in store for me. Nor did I fathom having the honor of working with the American Girl Company, being featured in their catalogue, and them using my Heritage blog post on THEIR website! Childhood Ashley would be flipping out, and honestly, adult me was anyway! This is not to brag or gloat, but it is a reminder to myself that while I set out to do something small (in my mind), the Lord had different intentions and He brought this MUCH further than my heart could see.

He is GOOD!

And I don't want to forget that. But days prior to New Years Eve, I found myself feeling really scared. I was fearful, doubtful, worried, that 2017 wouldn't be nearly as good. I didn't really HAVE any expectations going into 2016, and because my mind was blown, I feel like I should be expecting something even more radical going forward. But why? I don't think that this should be the case. Facebook told me that one of my 'resolutions' for 2016 was to eventually stay home with the kids. And guess what? My husband returns to his classroom to teach on Tuesday and this mama doesn't! I get to STAY HOME, practically for nine months. That HAPPENED! But I guess there's this part of me that is worried that that I need to book a ton more weddings, turn this blog into something huge, so that I can have the option of staying home with Reese when her brother starts kindergarten come August.

But wait, Ashley. One day at a time.

That's what my 2017 needs to consist of. So many of my friends have shared their 'one word' they believe God is calling them to live this year: Proactive, Intentional, Trust, Present, Confident; and so many more. After many nights of lying in bed praying and listening, I realize what the Lord is calling ME to do:

Believe

Will I be a good stay at home mom? Will the kids like it? Will I like it? Will I be strong enough? Will I be able to book a lot more weddings? Will I be able to take this blog further? (What does that even mean?!) Will I ever have another beautiful home NOT in our current neighborhood? Will I ever live on land? Will I have a horse? Will I go back to teaching? Will I teach forever? Will we stay in Kentucky forever?

Just BELIEVE

Look at all the GOOD things God did in our lives this last year. And yes, I'm saying this firmly to myself. All of those things do not mean that 2017 is going to go KERPLUNK. I don't need to have ANY answers right now, all I need to do is to take one day at a time. Starting Tuesday, in just two short days, I will literally be a stay at home mom and working from home. That's a HUGE dream turning into a reality!

I don't really have any typical New Years Resolutions this year. In 2015 I baked a new pie every single month in honor of my Grandmother, and it's the only one I have ever kept. I have some goals to work out a few days a week, to continue strengthening my core, but more than ever; my goal is to believe in the plans the Lord has for our life. I want to be strong for my children, happy for my children, and healthy. And all the while, I want to believe that my Creator has only good planned for my life, even if and when His answers are difficult to hear.

**What about you, friends? What are you hoping to focus more on in this New Year? I don't think resolutions are a bad thing, but I think that they can be deflating; that when you mess up or don't live up to it, you suddenly feel like you can't continue on. The point of falling down is to learn to stand back up--so when I find myself sinking in disbelief, I want to remember THIS. I want to remember how great our God is, how abundantly blessed we really are. Leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail. I love getting to know you, wherever you are reading from!**

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov. 3:5-6

One Step at a Time

*don't worry, that coffee is uber cold for all you dog worried folk reading*

Recently church has been really refreshing for me. It's simple. Our kids are loving it. Both of them have memorized, "And Jesus says, Come follow me!" and "I love my church!" from the kids' ministry. I'm meeting new women and am excited to develop friendships + fellowship more. And this past Sunday we started a new series, 'Finding God's Plan for Your Life.' I mistakenly left my journal at home but I opened my trusty ol' iPhone and typed away in the Notes app. I seriously felt so pumped as a guy named Keith spoke, and thought it may be helpful for some of you to hear how and what inspired me the most.  

First, Guys, I've gotta tell you, 2016 has been an incredible year. I launched this blog in January, a post went viral days later, I've done some pretty badass collaborations and sponsorships [new bunk beds, yes please / mattress, YES! / dining room table, soon to arrive / and more]; and I am so THANKFUL to the many companies I've been honored to work with. I think most of all though... I am most the most excited about getting to stay home. When last December, I looked at my husband and I declared that I needed to STAY HOME (because my firstborn starts kindergarten in August!)...well, I'm blown away by God's grace and provision in that He provided for me, so that I GET to do that! We've been over the bank account, studied the budget, numerous, numerous times. Of course there's a part of me that is so SCARED to actually rely solely on my saved income for this--but I know that God has huge things up His sleeve! I don't have a clue what they are, but my dream wheels are spinning and I've got things on my radar for 2017 that I really believe He is orchestrating.

So how many of you like to dream big? Or how many of you like it when you have a PLAN? [If you're completely laid back and don't enjoy filling up your calendar, I have no idea how you function, BUT I love you anyway.] I'm just the opposite is all ;) I was the girl who at age five had her heart set on moving to Kentucky to become a horse racing jockey, who dreamt of being the first female to win the Kentucky Derby. Did it happen? Not all of it, but a huge chunk! When I turned eighteen, I got in my car and drove to Louisville. I made connections via e-mail with several people, found a roommate, got a job at Churchill Downs, and it all started to come together. I made a plan, at a very young age, and began my journey to live it out. One step at a time!

You all clearly know that I am NOT a jockey. I did not win the Derby, nor did I even get to become a full time exercise rider. I actually ended up working for a guy who didn't have too much respect for me. He definitely had alternative motives when he hired me, and eighteen year old me had NO IDEA. Let's just say when he packed up his horses and left Churchill Downs, that was probably one of the biggest blessings for me as a woman. I went to work for a more upstanding trainer, loved every second of it, but summer soon approached and I moved back home to Michigan. When I came BACK to Louisville, I very soon after met my husband, fell in love, and haven't actually WORKED with horses since. [If you've kept up, you know that's ALL part of my future dreams, but currently, it's on pause.]

What does all of this have to do with my current life or future dreams? Well, when Keith said, "God leads us in steps. He gives you one step at a time," in my head I was reliving these baby steps that have placed me where I currently am. Eighteen-year old Ashley wouldn't have ever told you that it was her dream to be a blogger and professional photographer. She was seeing 5 feet in front of her face and all she saw was horses. And then later, a Godly and handsome man who would become twenty-year old Ashley's husband. But a HUGE part of my story from the track is I believe, what has inspired twenty-eight year old Ashley's 2017 visions: to write, and specifically, to empower women from across the globe in believing that they are WORTHY and LOVED.

I don't actually know HOW all of this will pan out. I want to stay home and focus on our kids, and I get to do that for at LEAST eight months. And I want to write and meet SO many of you, have dinner with you and share your beautiful story. I want a farmhouse and a few horses, and I'm not even positive where that will BE. Yet I don't need to have anxiety over my future. I know that God is not afraid to bless me (us) if we choose to put Him first. Keith said, "Delight yourself in every season, allow Him to LEAD you, and he WILL fulfill His plan for your life." (Psalm 37:4 for reference). Right now, I am absolutely in the baby stages of planning. I'm launching a new series, spreading the word, and I'm going to soak in every ounce of my three and four year old. And with God, no step is ever wasted. I'll be honest in that not all of my life has been sunshine and roses. It STILL isn't. There was quite a bit of hurt for a period of time, abuse, self-doubt, you name it. But I believe it is ALL part of a very intricately woven story, that only my Creator could write.

"Despise NOT the day of small beginnings," (Zechariah 4:10) is going to be one of my 2017 mantras. Have you ever been overwhelmed by the BIG picture, when you are just starting out? Or maybe scared of what's to come, how everything plays out, where YOU end up? I am going to allow God to take me through the process. "Treat the little steps like they are the greatest opportunity you've EVER had," was the most powerful piece to me in our message Sunday. Life comes in stages and phases, and this is how God meant for it to BE.

Guys! Don't be SCARED for the coming year. Hey, maybe you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "Heck, I'm not worried, I've got it all figured out!" But did you know even in THAT, God is doing something you have absolutely no clue about? I am so excited, and yes, a little scared too, to look back on this post in a year. Maybe I'll actually really NOT enjoy staying home with the kids and I'll be knocking down the door of a classroom begging, "LET ME BACK IN!!! I need to teach!!!!" Maybe we'll still be living in the same home [God, please no......] Perhaps my blog will FLOP [hopefully not!!], maybe Instagram will disappear [doubtful] and at the end of 2017 I'll be like, "Ashley, what were you THINKING?!" But Y'all, THAT is the beauty in this.

God leads us in steps. And no step is EVER wasted.

Tell me, what are you dreaming of?! What excites you (or terrifies you!) about 2017? We are all in this TOGETHER. From wherever you are, I am standing there with you. Leave a comment below and let's talk, because friends, I am excited to know your heart!

"The steps of a good man are ORDAINED by GOD; and He delights in his way!" -Psalm 37:23