Thoughts On Moving

Who here watches Modern Family? Did every single one of you raise your hand? Well, maybe raising your hand while reading a blog post is weird... but anyway. I KNOW you watch Modern Family. In the episode where Luke graduates high school, Claire tells her husband Phil that it's okay to cry. 

"It's okay, I'm all cried out," he said. "It's like there's no moisture left in my body. I'm worried if I blink, that my eyes will get stuck...I am dead inside." Everyone around him sobs as Luke's name is called and they reminisce his childhood. Phil is blank faced, no emotion left, and really, all cried out. 

That's me, guys. I am literally ALL cried out. 

Our house sold (as most of you know) within three hours tops the day we listed it, June 7. It was an over asking price offer and the first showing of the day. After talking with several people we highly respect and a few realtor friends, we knew we'd be crazy if we didn't accept it. Here we are, two weeks later, and I can't even tell you how many times we have said aloud, "We never should have sold our house." We knew it would be a leap of faith to list it, and we knew it would sell. Originally we thought we would be moving to some land and a place I could have a horse, or at least if nothing else, to a more spaced out neighborhood where the kids could make some nice friends. "A bigger house and more space inside and out," THAT was my goal in listing our home. 

We pretty quickly discovered that we couldn't move outside of Jefferson County unless we could pay tuition for Pierson's kindergarten. He's going to school with my husband, and we feel pretty passionate about that, at least for this year. Not moving out of district means there's really no way we can get 5-6 acres worth of land affordability. It's a good thing I guess that our offer fell through on the 5 acre horse farm in Shelbyville we wanted... but at the same time, I have been completely mourning. 

"WHY did we sell our house??" I've cried. I can go through the positive reminders, but sometimes that's just too hard and not even good enough. It's like as soon as we signed the paperwork and went under contract with the buyers, I fell in love with our home all over again. I started to love the backyard more than I ever have, the charm of the home felt even more magical, and as I have layed in bed each night, I've thought, "No bedroom will ever be as wonderful as this one." The difficulty for me has been though, we have no place to go (yet.) I can't imagine the goodness of new chapters of our life because there hasn't been a home that has accepted our offer (yet.) With only a week left of June, we have been on SUCH a time crunch. We wanted to have a contract on our future home by July 1 so that our closing could align with the closing of our home and we don't stay in a limbo period, or temporary housing. It was a conversation I had with my brother recently that helped change my pretty closed mindset, and help me see that what we are moving to next, is not permanent.  

"Your kids only live in the box you put them in," he said. And of course this is literal and figurative.  "Maybe you should look at houses you go into as if your option is THIS, or moving into a crappy rental that will be too expensive and small." Both he and Asa have suggested this actually, and honestly, it's given me a lot of peace of mind. Yesterday we found a GORGEOUS home, pretty far out in the East End of Louisville [complete opposite of where we're living NOW,] and as soon as we walked inside, we felt a sense of peace. And that's exactly what we have been praying about, peace. We've offered on three homes so far, and in each one, they were homes I could see us in; but I don't think the feeling was mutual.  I'm always going to be attracted to big yards and there's something magical about a lifestyle with more outdoor space...but the homes have needed SO much work. The house we saw yesterday was smack dab in the middle of a subdivision, and it had a VERY small yard. For us, it meant 8/10 requirements, and the two cons were those. Albeit, those are pretty giant cons for me...but the interior and space inside couldn't be beat. We have talked A LOT, prayed A LOT, and both of us feel at peace knowing that the next house is temporary. That maybe there we will be able to save money, do our research, find some land and BUILD our dream home. I think it's doable. And I think we'll have some time to figure it out. If nothing else, that gives me some hope. I can't let go of my dream of land and horses in our backyard, so I know that I will just have to keep praying. Needless to say, we put an offer on that home. While we were feeling all pumped that 'this was it,' we were smacked HARD in the face when we found out they didn't even want to see or hear our offer--they wanted to wait until this coming Sunday at FIVE pm. The day we saw it, there were twenty other showings already scheduled, and it still has yet to have its' open house this weekend. I can only imagine the multitude of offers this house is going to receive, and the giant pile the couple is going to be sorting through...NOT a fun thought. 

 Three days ago we drove to a historic home that sat on 1.5 acres IN the city of Louisville. Before going, we meticulously studied the layout of the photos online, and I knew my husband wasn't impressed. But as soon as we pulled up, my heart was already outside of my chest and in absolute yard HEAVEN, as I pictured the dinners and future parties we would surely be throwing there. There is a 200-yr old tree in the front yard, and the kids and my husband immediately climbed on to it's ancient and low branches. At the top of the budget, I knew this house would have to be something that we could happily live with for many years to come, unable to make changes or updates. We walked through the front door and immediately I saw some big 'uh-ohs,' and I gulped, not wanting to admit them. The living room as the master bedroom, for one. The smallest [and worst off] kitchen we had yet seen, the family room with no windows, being taken up entirely by a sectional. I should mention my husband yet again barely fit in the basement and did NOT fit in the showers, and there was not a single space there for HIM, where he could put his workout room or fit his favorite gray rocking chair. I proceeded to NOT listen to the wisdom in my head (also known to me as the Holy Spirit) and my selfless husband supported me as I said, "We still have to make an offer." Our realtor wrote up all the paperwork, we signed all 300 pages, the kids exhausted in the car going back and forth between whining and laughing and screaming, and when it was all done and over, I started to cry. Yes I know, imagine that, Ashley crying right now. Not an uncommon occurrence. 

We drove away from the beautiful yard and my husband re-explained to me why it wasn't a great idea but that he loved me and wanted to support my dream of having a yard. We had promised the kids a McDonalds cone and when they went inside to order, I called our realtor. I sat on the concrete, head in my lap, begging for her wisdom and judgement. Ten minutes later, I said, "Please pull out our offer." My heart and my head just haven't lined up this last month. I see a potential dream and I want to snatch it and it never seems to be what the Lord wants. YOU GUYS, here in this space, have meant SO much to me. I put up a photo on Instagram that evening, pouring my heart there, to friends and virtual strangers, explaining my breaking heart. SO many of you commented paragraph long comments, sharing comfort with me, empathizing, and sending your prayers--106 comments, and I was just blown away. I put up the same photo on Facebook with the same caption, and so many of my close friends and family did the same thing: long paragraphs relating and praying, uplifting and encouraging me. 

I just wanted to say, your words haven't gone unnoticed and are not in vain. I have felt every single one, and I am finally starting to feel glimmers of hope. I am not sure that we will get the house we just offered on, and we won't know for three more days [which feels like an ETERNITY!!!!] I wrote a hand written letter, included the photo in this blog post, we offered everything we felt we could, offered to waive an inspection, gave more in a good faith deposit....I mean literally, this has been the strongest offer we've made yet. Next week feels like the deadline, though I'm working hard not to feel that way. I go back and forth between feeling God is going to give us the miracle of this house, to feeling like a hundred other people are going to blow our offer out of the water. 

My thoughts on moving? This has been the hardest thing my husband and I have ever been through, and that's saying something if you know part of our story from several years ago. I've cried harder and longer than I ever knew I could, the tension has been tight, the kids have been through the ringer seeing TONS of homes and having the expectations of being good and obedient. We are all tired and just plain EXHAUSTED. Wherever we end up, I am begging God to just bring us peace. 

And may He already be preparing our DREAM home many years down the road. Because I never., EVER, want to do this again. 

Are You There God? It's Me, Ashley

I haven't been to the gym in like, a decade. After running the Mini Marathon I decided that I needed a break. Sooooo, except for the few occasional outdoor runs I've done, I've pretty much done absolutely nothing workout wise. When my friend Liz invited me to go this morning, I said yes. Mainly because I missed her and we desperately needed to catch up, and also because it was a perfect chance to get my daughter out of the house to play with some friends her age [my son was spending the morning with a cousin.] As we 'briskly walked,' as we like to call it, I confided in Liz my frustrations spiritually in this season.  

"It's not that I'm suddenly denouncing God or walking away from my faith," I said. "I am just in a season of struggling to find hope." We went on to talk and I told her that I just didn't get why MANY things were happening. Like my oldest brother who has severe special needs for instance. He suffers, SO MUCH. He has colitis and osteoporosis and a motility disorder, and really, the list could go on. But why? For what? It's so hard sometimes to believe the good in a Heavenly Father when you witness the most innocent man on the planet suffering; it just is. And then the five acre horse farm that we put on offer on, that we didn't get. That night I sat in our backyard, told my husband I needed to be alone, told my mother I couldn't talk on the phone because I wanted to be alone, and I just sobbed to God. When I can't talk to those two people, you know I'm not in a good place.

"It sounds like you're living the Judy Blume book, Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret," Liz said. I laughed and said, "OH my word, you nailed it!!" 

Tuesday of this week a photographer came and took pictures of our house for the future sale listing. Wednesday late afternoon, the listing went live and within a few minutes, our first showing was scheduled. Wednesday MORNING, as tears fell down my cheeks the second my feet touched the ground, I prayed this: 

"God, I'm not really happy with you right now. I don't believe that you care where we end up. I don't have a lot of trust in you. I don't have much hope. But if you could make something cool happen today? That would be great." 

Here's how it looks getting ready to show our house: 

-Quickly bake chocolate chip cookies
-Set out the printed letter(s) to prospective buyers, as well as the renovation sheet
-Sprint to make sure all the rooms are in excellent order and trashes are taken out
-Put a bowl of water outside, push the black cat Sammy outdoors
-Put the orange cat, Alfie, in cat carrier to take with us
-Load the dogs in the car and drop off in one of the siblings' fenced backyards
-Load the kids and Alfie in the car, and be gone for however long

I took an Instagram story video yesterday of the litter box on my lap, Alfie sandwiched between the kids, and the dogs panting, Humphrey barking in the trunk. "I hope our house sells quickly," I said. 

We returned home, saw that most of the cookies had been eaten, and there was a note that said, "Thank you so much, your house is BEAUTIFUL." No sooner did our shoes come off was our realtor calling my husband. We both thought that for sure if it was an offer, it would be below our asking price of $175. I heard Asa laugh and say, "Wow, before I just tell you yes, I know that I still need to talk this over with Ashley." Um, what? Duh you have to talk to me! 

We had just been given an over our asking price offer. They were approved for a conventional loan, said that they loved the house exactly as it is, and were flexible (July 31st) with a close date. They wanted an answer by 10pm last night. If you follow me on Instagram or are friends with me on Facebook, you've already seen what we decided: a big giant YES! 

No more house showings? No more stress or trying to keep the house in perfect show ready condition? No more animals being shuttled, no more drop of the hat living? YES! I knew that I needed to thank God, because very clearly, this was a God given offer. I believe that He was so generous that when I had asked him that morning to 'do something cool,' He responded with, "Okay, Daughter. Here." I mean, who sells their house after ONE showing, to the first family who walks in the door?? US, that's who! 

 I am grateful, and I believe that was a God ordained gift. Except I can't lie to you. I am still having a hard time trusting the next steps. Does He CARE where we end up? Does it matter to HIM which house we end up in? What part of town? Does He care that I want a horse; that my heart LONGS for a horse? Wasn't it Him who created me with my desires, with these dreams? I have to believe yes. Even though it's hard.

My sweet sister-in-law Ali in Rhode Island texted me yesterday and I have to share her words when I explained to her my loss of hope: 

"There is Biblical evidence that God can and DOES order the most specific, tiny details of our lives. Not to mention the flowers dressed beautifully or the sparrows that He knows. He is looking out for you guys. Even when, especially when, it hurts." 

Guys, I am SO super thankful to Jesus for selling our home within HOURS of it being on the market. I think that is a miracle that HE performed, that HE orchestrated. But I hope you can still understand that there's a big giant part of me over here, curled up in this home of mine with my arms stretched high and I'm asking,          

 "Are You There, God? It's ME, Ashley."  

Where will we go? We aren't sure just yet. I guess you'll have to stay tuned ;) 

Kissing the SAHM Life Goodbye: My Thoughts and Prayers

Well y'all, as quickly as my time off began, it's now quickly coming to an end. Feeling emotional while the kids nap [does that happen to you??], I went back and read some old posts of mine. It literally feels like yesterday that I was counting down until Christmas break and looking forward to the months I would be blessed to stay home with my kids. Now here we are...I go back to my classroom in TWO weeks [only for four days, and then it will be summer vacation], and I'm like, "HOW!??!" 

Lastnight in bed, I started to pray. I apologized because honestly, it's been a little too long since I had a sincere heart to heart with the Lord; and I just asked for guidance. Previously I had said during this season, I had wanted to write more, get more serious about the blog, and book more sessions--and guess what? That just didn't really happen. I did a few sessions sure, and I have a few weddings in the coming year, but I wasn't slammed. And when I opened my laptop to write, usually I couldn't find the words or motivation to get my fingers moving. This has been a season of motherhood, and as I sit and reflect, I am so grateful for that. 

I'm a good teacher. I've taught for six years, in a self-contained elementary classroom; teaching all subjects, and meeting HUNDREDS of children along the way. I love fifth graders especially, their humor and sarcasm [or attempts anyway] and when they really start digging deep to figure out who they are. I LOVE teaching writing and inspiring kids TO write. I like interacting with my co-workers and having adult conversations. But at the same time, the thought of working a five day a week job again...it really makes me sad. 

My son Pierson will start kindergarten in August [THREE months from now, ahhhh!] and our sweet Reese will be all by herself. She's never known a day without her brother, and she definitely hasn't been away from him all day every day! We don't yet have a sitter for her, and it makes me SO emotional to think that I won't be the one with her each day. Especially her by herself, will be SO fun; she'll be four in September and her personality is just bursting with greatness each and every day. What I wouldn't give to do preschool lessons and 'field trips' with my baby girl. But it's just not the case. 

I asked God to give me this time to focus on being Mom, and He answered. Back in November, I wrote this:

There is one thing that I DO know though...that I need this time with my kids. With my son going to kindergarten August 2017, I know that I will be so thankful for these next few months. We aren't sure when our daughter will start school, as our school district just changed the date and age kids need to be when they enroll; so as of now, she may start the year right after him, or she may have to wait two years. Regardless of what happens, if I go back to work full time, part time, or WHATEVER, having these coming months to focus more on being MOM, sounds so wonderful.

The last four months, I definitely focused on being Mom. I think, and have to trust, that God wants me back in the classroom for a while longer. I don't think it's unfeasible that I'll be able to get more paying jobs and possibly in the future get the chance to stay home again, but that time is not now. Reese will definitely be home next year, but we aren't sure yet about the following. If there's a chance she can enroll in kindergarten early, we may look into that because she is SO intelligent, especially socially. But if she does stay home for two years, *maybe* I'll get to stay home again the second year?  

I had written another post back in December about my goals during this time off. It was pretty humbling to re-read them today, so let me share with you how those have panned out ;) 

1. Eat breakfast [at the table] with the kids and read a devotional while they eat
2. wash my face and everyone's teeth [maybe throw in a shower?] ;) 
3. start a routine of school work with them / letters, sight words, science projects, SOMETHING...
4. read aloud daily, other than at nap/bed time
5. go for a walk or play out back before naps
6. if laundry gets done, put it AWAY. this never happens [am i the only one?]
7. eat lunch. be healthy. take care of me. 
8. if i don't make it to the gym, do at least one Suzanne Bowen workout a week
9. write for at least 15 minutes a day, whether journaling or in this space
10. cook/prepare 1 meal a week, since my husband is THE chef of the household

Basically, I never cooked a meal... I think I did once? Tacos or something? No wait, I also made a meatloaf and mashed potato dish. Sorry, Babe! I DID brush my teeth daily (you're welcome!) and for the first few months, we were in a great swing of 'school' in the morning. We focused on letters the first several weeks and did fun crafts with things that started with whichever letter (like 'P' we made and designed pizzas and talked about penguins and popcorn, etc.) We went to the park a lot, rarely out back though. I have been *pretty* good about laundry, even putting it away, though this hasn't religiously happened and I do often ask for my husband's help if we let it get away from us during the week. I definitely did not work out, other than running, but that goal was made before I ran the mini marathon so maybe that one isn't a fail? And I didn't write daily...as much as I wish I had. During the kids' naps I was often tired and accepted the fact that it was OKAY to lie down or just rest! 

I'm pretty good at NOT knowing what the future looks like. But it's been really humbling and a huge eye-opener, that I can always look back and see how God answered prayer and opened or closed doors. A year ago I was dreaming of staying home, unsure if it would ever happen, and then look. Then, I prayed for some quiet and a season of stillness, and that's what I'm currently living! Though it's hard, and definitely bittersweet, I am surrendering my future yet again to Him. 

Pierson will do great in kindergarten. Reese will be well cared for and loved. I will make a difference in the classroom. And everything is going to be just fine. 

That was my little benediction to myself, but in all seriousness, I could use your prayers and well wishes. I literally do NOT know where the time went. The saying, "The days are long but years are short," is beyond true. Some days have been so hard, but I wouldn't have traded them for anything in the world! 

A Good Christian Girl Like You

I've been sitting on that phrase for a long time. Do people's words ever ring in your head and just kind of STAY there? I've heard several, heck, one even made a blog post of mine go viral: "A skinny girl like you..." was the winner there. But back to the one that's currently ringing in my mind. 

Around Election Day I attempted to stay neutral in some of my responses as far as social media was concerned. But frankly, the closer it got to casting my ballot, the more passionate I got about really wanting to voice my opinion about Donald Trump. For the first time in my adult life, I felt concerned for our country; worried about what would happen if this man stood in front of our country as THE President Elect. Well, we all know how that turned out and we all know that as far as politics are concerned, our voices are like the wind. We share them for each other, but are they going to change major decisions and outcomes like THE President of the United States? Probably not. 

However, as much as I know how Facebook works and I know that it is a place for our voices TO be heard, I was SHOCKED at some of the responses I received from friends and family on one of my statuses. I mean heaven FORBID I don't vote straight ticket Republican, right? "Ashley, I'm just shocked that a good Christian girl like you would vote this way," I read. 

Hold on. 
Wait. 
Pause. 
Stop. 
WHAT???????? 

Did you know that I didn't SAY who I was voting for publicly, I just made it clear that it wasn't Trump? Let me ask those of you reading this, have you and I ever had a REAL conversation? Have we gone in to deep dialogue about my religious beliefs and political opinions? Do you actually know where I stand on abortion, on gay marriage, on healthcare, on student loans and education...or do you just THINK you know based on my Facebook posts? Did you know that Facebook is not ME? 

 I take pretty pictures. I love to post about my kids, especially so my mom who is six hours away, can see entire albums of what we're up to. I like to stay in touch with friends who have all moved to different states or who live back home. I use Facebook to sell stuff, that's always fun right? Once in a while I'll post a random status or share something of someone's that I could relate to. But you don't know exactly where I stand on worldly issues because of Facebook. Social media is not who I am. And it's not who YOU are. 

 With social media, you can fine tune your individual feeds to see what you want to see, and what you do NOT want to see. Blocking, unfollowing, reporting, unfriending...But, I try to see and hear everyone. Even those who I do not agree with, even those who I don't understand. And I try to avoid publicly shaming my friends and family because at the end of the day, social media is NOT my relationship; it is not WHOM I love.

We are all SO different. I have friends who do yoga, (I don't really care too much about yoga), I have friends who are UBER passionate about essential oils (I LIKE essential oils, but I can't claim to be passionate about them), I have friends who swing one way politically or the other; super Republican or super Democrat, and I'll tell you I don't agree with things from BOTH of those parties. But I still love you because of YOU. I love you BECAUSE you're family, not because I have to agree with you 100% on every single thing that you are passionate about. I love you because you are uniquely and wonderfully created BY my Creator.

 I received a direct message on Instagram relating to one of my stories, a photo of Scrubbing Bubbles. "Don't use that cleaning product! It'll give you cancer!" she said. I almost REALLY quickly replied, "EVERYTHING CAUSES CANCER, don't scold me for the choices that I make for myself and my family," and then I immediately deleted it. That's what social media is, right? A place to voice our opinion, to share the things we are passionate about, to make each other laugh, to use our words and to document our lives. But can't we think before we scold? I mean really, did she think that I would just immediately stop using Scrubbing Bubbles because of a direct message? I don't know, perhaps so. But if you know me, then you know I'm not the type of person to live in fear of cleaning products, foods, beverages, and just lifestyle things in general. Someone once told me that milk caused cancer. Really and truly, HOW are we supposed to live with all the warning labels that exist?! My husband and I eat healthy, we try to also ensure the same for our children, and ultimately, we're doing the best that we can. Aren't we all? 

My friend Hannah shared a photo to Facebook recently and with it, captioned this: "...What a beautiful opportunity we have to love others with our words. To have our hearts in a place of worship, so that from our heart flows words of appreciation and thankfulness, that in turn, build others up. What a beautiful place our communities could be, with the help of carefully thought out and graciously delivered words." 

Y'all. You do not know my entire values or beliefs from Facebook. And I don't know yours. If you'd LIKE to have a conversation about mine sometime, hey, let's actually talk. I don't think I could meet every single one of you for coffee or dinner, but I'm happy to get to know you. And if there's something that you think I should change or do, start with a gentle tone, not authoritative. I may not agree with you on your political or religious beliefs, but I promise to still love you. And that's not just because I'm a good Christian girl, it's because my parents raised me well and I believe in the good of this world.