Patching Hearts, Target Trips, and Finishing a Book

Currently I am steeping a very hot cup of tangerine tea, just lit some candles, and have my book Present Over Perfect open in front of me. I actually just finished it, and I don't know about for you, but this doesn't come easy for me! But now I'm sitting here with this feeling of, "what's next?" and, "how can I apply EVERYTHING Shauna said directly to my heart and life?" I underlined a LOT of sentences in this book, as I did throughout Uninvited. Like this part: 

Because that's what I've been searching for: a sense of my own worth. That's what we're craving: the sense that we matter, that someone sees us, that we are loved and valued. And so some of us try to earn it...

and she continued, 

It is only when you understand God's truly unconditional love that you begin to understand the worth of your own soul--not because of anything you've DONE, but because every soul is worthy, every ONE of us is worthy of love, having been created by and in the image of the God of love. 

I'm still dealing with a lot of emotional stuff, if you will. Mending friendships, letting some go, trying to live in the present and enjoy the season I'm currently in. Not being in the classroom right now (and having taught for five whole years) has me feeling disconnected, funky, like, "WHO AM I!?" but I am trying to be SO thankful I have basically the next seven months left of being Mom. It's funny how a life change like this can just leave me feeling so off, but I'm hopeful that I can rest in God's unconditional love because really and truly, that's what I crave. 

Alright, you tired of the deep stuff? Ha ha, me too! This week was good but today was kind of a doozy. We have all those, right? We couldn't play outside because it was freezing cold and spitting sleet, so I bundled the kids up and took them to Target, duh. They got cake pops, I got a giant vanilla latte, and we walked around for an hour. It would have been nice to have been able to smell candles and look at home decor the entire hour, but it basically consisted of me bribing them aisle by aisle with, "we'll look at toys next," and "if we go see this, I promise we'll go to art supplies next," and then finally, I was just doooone and really wishing I hadn't gone as close to nap time as I did. I later texted Asa and asked if he could please take them to the gym when he got home so that I could just have an hour of quiet. [Lord I wish I had his patience.....]

So here's some of the stuff we did this week! Valentines crafts, learning about the letters B and C, doing a sink and float science "experiment, and lots of coloring, per usual. Reese enjoys helping "make breakfast," so she helped me cook some eggs; we read a lot in Mommy's bed, I drank a LOT of tea, and in the mornings after we finished our bible story, I let them watch the animated version--they LOVED that. Oh, and I made frozen yogurt bites, which they kids are now obsessed with. If you haven't yet made those, you should try it. Just use a ziplock bag and dump some yogurt in it, cut off the corner of the bag, and squeeze into little dots on a cookie sheet. Freeze for 20 minutes and you're good to go! 

Pierson is working on a computer intervention program that Asa's school uses, and he moved up an entire level this week--that's a big deal! It's his first academic "accomplishment" if you will, so today while at Target I let him pick a craft. He loves to paint and to be careful while doing art; I absolutely love that he chose this figurine painting set. He did the horse first, because he said he wanted me to put it in my 'office.' I told him my dream horse (a Bay) and by golly, he did an amazing job. Thanks, Kid, Mom needed more reasons to almost cry today! ;)  

Reese behaved well in Target and because I have a bleeding heart, I wanted to let her pick a toy out too. We went to the dollar section and she chose a Frozen notebook, right up her alley. Tonight I am hosting a women's night, where we'll actually talk about the book Uninvited and gorge ourselves on food and conversation. I'm super excited ProFlowers and Sharis Berries sent me some treats because the girls are going to LOVE these covered strawberries. So, that's it! Our week in photos. Our weekend ahead is very busy, and the plan is to go to MICHIGAN [sans husband, LORD HELP ME] next week; so I'm hoping for a little R&R somewhere between. 

The Dishes Can Wait: Let's Talk

What is ONE thing you need to hear from someone today? I mean seriously. Stop what you're doing for a second (well, keep reading...) and just think. How would you feel if someone checked in with you like this:

I'm proud of you. 
How are you doing today? 
You are so beautiful. 
Thanks for being so great. 
Do you need a hug? 
Hey, do you want to go see a movie? 
Let's grab dinner. 
You are so incredibly strong. 
I just love you!

As I've gotten older, I can't believe what a 'words of affirmation' gal I've turned into. Yesterday I scaled a rock climbing wall.. When I entered that gymnasium and looked all the way to the top, I didn't think for a SECOND it would be me ringing the bell at the very TOP. But when I heard my husband cheering from below, I heard him say, "Reese is going to be SO proud of you, Ash! Ring the bell!" I looked to my right and saw the next rock. I took a slow and deep breath, and I reached so high for that glorious bell. DING, DING, DING!!!! High fives and hugs greeted me at the bottom, my friend Liz (aka BEST workout buddy) beamed with excitement. I mean encouragement, y'all--isn't it great?! 

I think most days we just move through our routines. We go to school or work, put our kids on the bus or send them off to the sitter; some of us are homeschooling our preschoolers--making breakfasts and lunches and ordering toys and rooms to be cleaned up, and naps to be had. Our husbands come home and we are tired; hair untouched, teeth lucky to be brushed. The pets have been cared for, house is put together, kids are still alive, but it's now what we moms like to call witching hour; and we are TIRED. We check Instagram and scroll, scroll, scroll. Maybe we throw in a double tap for a 'like' if it's a photo that spoke to us. We check Facebook; scroll, scroll, scroll. Sometimes we comment when something is funny or there's a cute photo we like. We'll like each other's statuses all day long, but often we forget to text our husbands, "Hey Babe, I am proud of you. Thanks for loving me." We forget to call or message our family and ask, "How are you doing? Is there anything you need this week?" To check in with our friends, "Is there a time that would work in the next couple of weeks to get together? Let's get dinner and catch up. In the mean time, how can I pray for you?" 

We are busy creatures, somewhat stir crazy in our souls. The days can be hectic and the nights long. We have babies and young children who don't yet know the importance of a GOOD nights sleep, and the thoughts that rattle through our minds when our feet need to hit the floor to start all over; well, they aren't always the most pleasant. I wrote a post a while back about finding God in the crazy--to seek Him first and to pray more often. To speak to HIM, more often. I think I've improved greatly with this, but Lordy how there's room to grow. And thinking outside of that, of the prayers that need to be had, the more scripture that YES, I do need to read...is ensuring that we as a community are caring for one another. 

Who haven't you reached out to in a while? What face pops into your mind as your read this and you think, 'hey...I wonder how ______ is doing.' Don't just wonder, find out. I swear I probably have 10-15 women pop into my head all day long. Heck, as I sit here writing it's like boom, boom, boom!!! Name after name, just flying through my tired mind! My pregnant hair dresser, Michelle, seriously, so many prayers are said for you. Same for my preggo girlfriend Britney! My sister in laws, my brother, my DAD, women from our old church... I mean really, the list could go on! I don't think we are all destined to be best friends with one another and I don't think that's ever the expectation within friendships. But I think we could do better at staying in touch with the women and friends that we love. Stephanie who came to dinner, I loved you! I'm SO glad that you're 28 and we have that in common and that you love dogs and animals as much as I do. Chelcey who does my web design and helps me form emails and newsletters and is my soundboard for life in GENERAL. Peg, my childhood best friend who I dream about living closer to, with your two boys and husband; laughing with you is quite possibly the best thing EVER. Lisa who lives in Boston, who spent a season living in Kentucky WITH me. Jerrica, who is quite possibly my earthly angel, you're my everything!! 

No, I won't list every single person that I love here in this space, because there's just too many of you and my mind is too fuzzy for that anyway. But I wanted to just throw this out there, that you, whoever you are and wherever you may be, I bet it really means a lot when you hear someone tell you that they are proud of you. It feels GOOD to feel strong and beautiful, radiant and loved. 

Can I encourage you today to think about the top three people that keep popping into your head? Outside perhaps from the regular people you talk to on a consistent basis (aka my husband and my mom hear from me 300 times a day...) Who are those people?  Ask them how they are. What about them makes you proud? What do they do well that they would love to hear from YOU? And then keep going about your day! The clothes to be washed, dishes to cleaned, tables to be wiped off, prayers to be said, books to be read, kids to be tucked in...it's all still waiting for you. I even bet that somewhere along the way, you'll feel more energized and recharged to DO those things, BECAUSE you took the time to brighten someone else's day. Those dishes can wait, for all of 2.1 seconds, am I right? Let's love the heck out of each other because frankly, we're worth it. 

Rainy Days + Cream Cheese Danishes

Happy Friday, Y'all! I don't know about you but I am *definitely* ready for the weekend. Especially because I am headed to Nashville this evening to spend 48 hours with my big brother and his wife! 

This week, didn't get to do too many school lessons due to a LOT of illness (bronchitis + fevers, double boo!); but we enjoyed coloring hearts for Valentine's Day and the down time that we had together.  

In between the coloring and many books read, the kids were able to play together surprisingly well this week. Like, extreme laughter and silly inside jokes, going back and forth between their bedrooms playing with dolls and Legos. But A LOT of time also looked like this: 

Thursday night I was feeling ansy and as everyone in Kentucky is, VERY sick of the rain. I have a hard enough time finding inspiration and motivation in the winter months here, so 90% of the time my inspiration comes through baking. We made homemade Cream Cheese Danishes with Pillsbury crescent rolls and guys, they are SO good. 

And Thursday night we had some friends over from our new church and it was amazing to have some ADULT time. Ha! Asa made his homemade chicken tikka masala, we shared stories, and stayed up way past our bedtime. This week the kids have really struggled with staying asleep (more so than usual) which is to be expected with their terrible coughs and fevers, but I am feeling way more wiped than usual. Anyone else just REALLY ready for some down time this weekend!? 

PS: In Nashville, I am photographing the next gal for my Beloved Woman series and I am so excited!! Stay tuned! 

Cried Out Eyes + Living Loved

It's late. My eyes are swollen and tired from not one, but two evenings spent crying. Not gonna lie, being a female doesn't particularly help this time of the month [I literally will sob over spilled milk], but you know what? I'm just tired. Tired of living unloved. Of not believing the Truth, of not claiming it. Of not living it. 

Have you been there? 

I have the very best women surrounding me in this season. I inherited sisters eight years ago and a sister was never something I had growing up. I have supportive parents. A prayer warrior of a mom. A loving husband. I even have a very large community of women here in this space, within Instagram and this blog, that I absolutely love and adore. So why then is my immediate reaction to conclude, "She doesn't love me." 

This afternoon I took a chance to share something vulnerable and immediately walked away from the computer in tears. I put words in their mouth, that never came from the person I contacted. I was convinced that I had made a mistake, that they thought I was silly or immature, and that surely they wouldn't love me as much after reading what I had to say. And then I was reminded of Lysa TerKeurst's words in Uninvited regarding the woman at the gym, "...obviously I don't know what went through her head, but it has me thinking about all the many times I assign thoughts to others that they never actually think. I hold them accountable to harsh judgements they never make. And I own a rejection from them they never gave me" (29). 

There were a few moments of silence, of no response, and suddenly a, 'Hey let me get back to you later!' and I was ready to hit the ground running. Except not really running. I sat. And cried. And felt panicked and at a loss. I hugged my husband as I choked on words, "I still can't handle some of my friendships losses, I can't believe that we don't hang out anymore. Why doesn't she want to be closer friends?!" And how all THAT baggage related to what I was presently going through--I have NO idea. Except that I do this often. It's a BIG reason I started seeing a counselor months ago, because deep down in my heart I knew that I was loved, and yet, I couldn't stop these negative thoughts. 

These negative thoughts should have zero place in my mind or heart. None. "You are a dearly loved sister, a dearly loved daughter to the mighty and kind KING," my brother's wife texted me recently. Is that hard for any of you to fully grasp, like it is for me? My counselor did some exercises with me and one of the methods we did was visually decorating a giant sign that said STOP. And any time I started to feel myself turn negative, or go down the irrational rabbit trail, I would say, "STOP, Ashley! This is NOT helping!" Sometimes, if I'm like really on it mentally and emotionally, that helps. But 75% of the time, truthfully it doesn't. 

Lysa said, "Live from abundant place that you are LOVED and you won't find yourself begging others for scraps of love." Ouch. (There's a reason I'm hosting a book talk for this book!) With every chapter I've been convicted and reminded of God's saving grace. Of how He loves me, calls me, encourages me to sit quietly at His feet. Or crying at His feet. However I am, He'll take me.

I, like you, live in a day and age where life is just hectic. Either we have kids to care for, rooms to pick up, meals to prep, exercise to be had, pictures to be posted, e-mails to respond to, stories to share, friends to hang out with, families to love on. Which all means, just how easily distracted are we? I want to be better at living more securely. I want to be able to do all of the above, but also when it gets hard and I'm sitting in my daughter's bedroom crying, of silencing myself at His feet. At feeling His love. I want to hear the words coming from the women in my life; from my parents, my husband, my own children, and to walk and LIVE that way:

Cherished.
Appreciated.
Valued. 
Loved.

Do you long for this too? Of dwelling in His trust that life doesn't have to be perfect; there can and will be conflict, moments of pause, friends who need to wait to respond. And that none of that means you are loved ANY less? I'm not sure how to help one another, other than maybe being one giant support group, but heck, maybe that's what we need? Anyone want to create a Facebook group for living loved? Ha. If you do, add me to it! But regardless, let's pray for one another, cheer each other on, and walk through this life together. Sister, you may be hundreds or thousands of miles away but I'm right here holding your hand.. Comment, e-mail, share with someone who needs this reminder today and please know; you are loved. 

ps: I was reminded after a *very* long phone call (aka cry fest) with my mom yesterday: the job will never be done. It will never be over. There will be days that we feel like we're put back together, our pieces picked up, like we're doing GREAT; and then we'll be left feeling unloved all over again and we will HAVE to remind ourself of the Truths from our Creator. Thanks, Mom. For always loving me, counseling me, and sharing a heart with me.