Worthy of Love and Belonging

I have several authors who I feel as though should be my soul sister, and Brene Brown is definitely at the top.  One of her quotes is one that I will forever want to write in lipstick on my mirror: "You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." Let me just repeat the end of that sentence again: 

you are worthy of love and belonging. 

Say it aloud. How does it feel coming out of your mouth? Does it feel foreign or strange? Did you mumble it, or say it with pride? Over the last several years I have felt the Lord molding me into a new woman. I really do give thanks to some incredible writers such as Shauna Neiquiest in her book Present Over Perfect, Lysa TerKuerst in Uninvited, and Brene Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection. All of these women have taught me through their words that love, acceptance, security, worthiness--are not solely from people...

all of that and more can be found in the arms of our Creator.

Do you remember being an insecure child? Maybe girls picked on you or made fun of your clothes. Maybe you struggled to make good grades or establish meaningful friendships. Perhaps you were beautiful, perhaps school was easy. Were you good at making friendships with girls but not boys? Did you get along with your teachers? I was great at volleyball and terrible at basketball, hello 5 foot nothingness. So much of what we experienced shapes our understanding of our value, our self worth. At some point we realized exactly how much our lives meant to our families, our friends, and ourselves. What worth did you assign yourself? Have you even really consciously considered your own value? I often wish I could go back to 18 year old Ashley, buy her a cup of coffee, look her in the eyes and say, 

"You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging."

and then I'd sit with her to have a good healing cry.

Sisters, our inability to grasp worthiness and grace starts so early. At some point we started selling ourselves short. At some point, we started believing we were not enough. Romans 3:23-24 says, "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and ALL are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." There is something about the phrases "fall short" and "justified freely" that have always convicted me. How can I fall short, yet receive nothing but grace from the One who created me? 

Another favorite author, Timothy Keller, said in his book  The Meaning of Marriage, "...When Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn't think "I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me." No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us - denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him - and in the greatest act of love in history, he STAYED. He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. The value you feel you earned through a lifetime of experiences pales in comparison to the value that Christ sees in you. He valued you enough to give up His throne in Heaven. To give up his morning coffee with God, His Father. To come to our insecure world, and find His way through it to the cross. 

If the Creator of all things thinks that YOU are valuable enough to die for, what is stealing your worthiness?

Pause. 

I REALLY want you to think about what is stealing your worthiness. What has robbed you of embracing and believing that YOU are enough?

For me, it was being told that I had monkey ears in the fifth grade. Oh I know, that sounds so silly, and in reality, it was. But when the beautiful popular girl makes you, the new girl, feel less than, it sticks. And I refused to wear my hair up for years to come to hide my monkey ears. As an adult, a woman I considered a best friend, blatantly admitted that she wasn't sure she was up for being friends with "Mom Ashley." In both instances, as small or large they may be, made me question my value--my worth. 

At what point do you wish you could go back? Maybe it's eighteen-year-old you, maybe it is younger, or heck, maybe it is current. At what point do you need to be reminded that you are imperfect? You ARE wired for struggle. Was there a girl who made fun of you on the playground? Was there a heartbreaking #metoo moment? You are worthy of love and belonging. The reality is, some of the things we have allowed to shape our self-worth are small and trivial; hello, monkey ears. And some of the things as women we have experienced, have truly affected how we view ourselves, and perhaps forever will. 

Let's remind ourselves though, of our worth. 

Do you remember how you felt in your mother's arms? And how beautiful you felt on your first date? How proud were you to do well on tests? Or laughing with your best friend in high school, until your sides hurt. Getting accepted to college. Picking your first apartment. Buying your first pet. Balancing your budget. Paying off debt. Going after your dreams. YOU ARE WORTHY! You are strong. No one can take away that you are so unconditionally loved and awesome that God himself CHOSE YOU! My favorite part of that very powerful truth is this, He CHOSE ME, long before I chose him. His love, makes me lovely. 

Sisters, to paraphrase Pauls's letter to Colossians "Focus your heart on God and Jesus. Set your minds on his goodness, not earthly pain. For you are hidden within Christ, HE is your life and shares HIS glory with YOU! Which means, you are God's CHOSEN child, holy and dearly loved." (Col. 3) 

If ever I am able to buy you a cup of coffee and look you in the eye to say, " You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging," let that moment be now. 

You are valuable. 
You are loved. 
You are WORTHY.

**This post was written to be used as an article in the second volume of The Bud Co's magazine: Sew and Dew. I highly recommend checking out this Christian magazine, geared to loving and serving women. You can get 20% off your copy when you use the code: ASHLEYSBUDS
Their second volume is 'Worthy' and just $25 (or $20 if you use my code!) Get your copy today here.**

So You Turned Thirty, What's the Big Deal?

Is turning thirty a big deal? Well, I don't know. A week or so before my thirtieth birthday I texted my mom VERY late at night. 

"Mom?" I said. "I think I'm freaking out about turning thirty."  

"Why?" she said. "It's just a number." 

There was more to it than that--she told me she loved thirty because that's the year she had ME (well ahem, of COURSE! haha!!) But I don't know, guys? Turning thirty just feels weird! 

Leading up to my thirtieth birthday I posted a photo on Instagram that asked my friends who were in their 30's (or older) to comment what their favorite part of this decade has been and I wanted to share some of the responses: 

• * I believe you will really begin to hone your craft. It’s the time to DO. 30’s are great.

• *You will love this decade! You will finally give yourself permission to love yourself as you are. You stop trying so hard and feeling so anxious about everything not being good enough... and then suddenly it IS good enough!

• *I love my confidence in my 30’s and also, the no BS. No time for that :)

I LOVED reading these and I believe every one of them to be true and things that I am looking forward to about this decade. Birthdays are a time of a lot of reflection for me (are they for you too?) so lately I've had a lot on my mind.

For instance, when I was recently in one of my riding lessons I had the strangest feeling. I had this memory of being TINY, [age, not size since not much as changed there height wise.....] leading this big giant lesson horse to the arena and over to the mounting block. I remember the very first lessons, the first jumps I took, the way that it felt to canter around a ring. And in many regards, nothing has changed, except for a number. But what feels so surreal is that those memories were decades and decades ago. Somehow, that ten-year-old girl is now thirty, and life just keeps flying by.

Do you know what I LOVE about turning thirty though? If you keep up with on Instagram or social media, you've totally seen that God granted me my biggest wish, my largest and most daring dream--my very own horse. He said, "Ashley, you doubted, and you doubted BIG. But I am going to give you a horse anyway. You are going to love him, learn from him, and get to ride him. His name is Paddy." A week before my birthday, Kathryn from the Horse Rescue in Nashville called me with the most exciting news: the horse I had met a couple weeks prior was still up for adoption, and she was offering him to ME.  

So while I feel kind of weird about the fact I'm wearing more wrinkles these days than ever, I'm also super excited to see what else my Creator has in store for me in this coming decade. My twentieth year brought me my husband, it was literally when I said, "I do." And my thirtieth brought me a horse. Asa (my husband) and I were talking recently and he said, "You have to promise to love me more than you love Paddy." While he was joking, I know there was a little bit of seriousness in what he said. I wasn't the girl who prayed for a husband or kids; I didn't actually really plan or dream about any of that. But my entire childhood consisted of me scheming for a horse--I was the weirdo who led a giant tricycle around the backyard with a dog leash tied to it, pretending it was a horse. I wanted my mom to see it and for that to be proof that I could duh, ACTUALLY take care of a 2000 pound animal. Are you shocked that DIDN'T work?? Yeah, me too. 

You know that I am so thankful Jesus gave me my husband. He is literally the glue that keeps my heart and soul together. And the fact that He also gave me two beautiful and healthy children? Pierson and Reese are my greatest and sweetest life accomplishments. But now I am also looking forward to *hopefully* growing old with Paddy; learning how he ticks, what he needs, and the two of us figuring each other out. I can't believe that I finally have my OWN horse that I can drive or walk to, to throw my arms around on a good or bad day, to kiss his nose and lay across his back. I'm looking forward to throwing a blanket in the pasture and reading a book beside him while he grazes. I can't wait to walk him and feed him and confide in him. And I ultimately cannot wait to bring along my family WITH me on this journey. When I look at Pierson and Reese, four and five years old, sometimes I want to laugh with delight that they are getting a horse in their lives at SUCH a young age! WHAT would childhood Ashley have done if that was me?! Oh my goodness, Y'all. Life is funny. Fleeting, beautiful, and funny. 

I don't think thirty has to be scary, and I don't think that is the word I would use to describe how I was feeling leading up to this year. It just feels surreal that the twenties are OVER--poof! They've disappeared, vanished, are gone.

Going back to what friends commented on the photo I posted, I pray that this IS the decade that I will hone in on my nitch, my craft, my passions. Also that my confidence will increase and that I will really and truly leave all the BS for what it is: BS. I hope that this is the year (decade) of lessened anxiety; of loving and accepting myself for WHO I am, and what I am. For crying out loud, I want to say to myself--ALL of your dreams have come true, what now?? 

{Full disclosure: I am a constant dreamer so I believe there will always be dreams on top of dreams on top of dreams...for instance, how I am praying that we can buy land and build a house there someday sooner than later, so that I can have my horse (and more!) ON our property!! However, I won't get too carried away and I'll admit that my biggest current dream has been checked off the list.} 

Here's my final thoughts leaving the twenties: "Something doesn’t have to be bad to be over. But maybe that season has given you everything it has to offer; it shaped and developed you, it stretched and inspired you. You’ve deeply incorporated its lasting values, and this place has been true to you and of you. Even then, you STILL have full permission to move forward or move on to something new, different, surprising, or risky." (Jen Hatmaker) 

Cheers to thirty, Y'all! If you have any fun thirty stories, feel free to share them in the comments below! 

Kicking Off 30 Right: a Night at the Omni!

When you are about to turn a chapter on a brand new decade, I'd say it's absolutely necessary to go big or big home celebration wise! I am super thankful to our brand new Omni Hotel for ensuring that this happened for me last weekend and I am pumped to tell Y'all about it. First of all, look at that VIEW!! That was from our room, which was on the tenth floor. It was so inspiring to look out the window and see so much beautiful history--from the buildings, skyscrapers, and even in the distance, the bridge connecting Louisville and Indiana. 

The hotel is covered in a crisp and shiny glass, giving you that WOW impression as soon as you arrive. There are intersecting towers that represent the crossroads of the past, present, and future of Louisville. There is a common theme of bourbon, culture, and water throughout the Omni, and within the design, there is a beautiful blend of polish and grit; seen in the colors, the shine, textures, and nuances throughout. 

The trusses in the lobby ceiling are representative of the Big Four Bridge, which has a TON of history! There are Edison lightbulbs throughout the entire hotel--did you know his light bulb was first demonstrated to the public IN Louisville?? I had no idea he lived in the Butchertown neighborhood [not far from where Asa and I spent the majority of our marriage thus far.] 

We walked so slowly around the Omni, soaking in the richness of the culture, history, and beautiful art pieces throughout. Across from the escalators, there is a giant wall of art, which are all locally sourced from various Kentucky artists across ALL media [photography, watercolors, textiles, contemporary, and interactive]. Can you guess which my favorite pieces were...? 

I have never been to a hotel that offered SO many things and activities to do. There are at least twenty within the Omni; ranging from restaurants to eat in, a marketplace to shop, a bourbon tasting lounge, an amazingly adorable retail store, a flower shop, a Spa, a rooftop pool, a library bar, and get this--even a speakeasy with a cocktail lounge and bowling alley inside!! And guys, that isn't even covering them all. So, what were our favorite parts? Well, I hope I can convey to you just how incredible they are but I have a feeling you're going to want to check out the Omni for yourself--and I hope you do! 

I am very much so a 'knick-knack' kinda gal, so the Miller & Co. retail store was heaven for me. I literally want ALL of you reading this to go here, if for nothing else, then to meet Leeanne, who greeted us with a huge smile and Southern charm. She made me laugh out loud the second we met and when I asked her if I could snap her photo, she said, "Girl! Let me put my hair down!" I told her I wanted her autograph and she signed my receipt. YES, I bought stuff, duh! Do you SEE that horse bag I'm holding?! It's mine all mine and was only $25! 

Lewis + Louis was next. This is a bourbon retail and tasting room, where you will be professionally guided through bourbon tastings in a unique and relaxed setting. The city of Louisville was actually established AFTER Louis XVI, in 1778; so this was another incredibly culturally rich experience. PS: there are more bourbon barrels than people AND horses in the state of Kentucky, sooooo that's kind of mindblowing. 

The Library Bar was one of my absolute favorite spots. A stylish and casual atmosphere, there is a giant fireplace in the center and tons of comfortable seating throughout. Here too, there is no shortage of BEAUTIFUL art; one of the walls is covered in beautiful black and white vintage images. I love seeing the history behind where we live, I think it is so inspiring and really made me fall in love with Louisville all over again. 

The Falls City Market was absolutely mind-blowing. Here is where you will find the Omni's urban market and Food Hall, with open-air street access featuring tons of locally sourced products. The well-known Heine Brothers is your easy access to delicious coffee and lattes, and there are a TON of dining and food options. You can get delicious crepes and waffles at Belle Crepe, or mouthwatering BBQ at Bridges, sushi at the sushi bar which has counter seats, as well as daily prepared gourmet rolls. There is a butcher there providing meats from local farms, fresh seafood, a food truck featuring tacos, Iron Quarter which serves Artisan pizza paired with wine and local Louisville craft beer. In the Market, you'll find a flower shop, the Bottle Shop that sells fine wine and spirits, fresh produce, milk, cheeses, fruits, and over 2,000 grocery items! There are housewares such as Williams Sonoma, and Wendell's Book and Magazine store; Y'all, I could go on and on but I think you need to check it out for yourself. I'm telling you, everything is designed and created so beautifully, you will love experiencing it! 

Let's talk about our actual room for a moment, shall we? The carpet is a stylized interpretation of flowing water (Falls of Ohio!) and ties back to one of the three design elements. The windows overlook our magnificent city, providing excellent natural light. The bed was comfortable, the room spacious, and the BATHROOM was the nicest hotel bathroom I've ever seen. The shower in our house is so small and so cramped, my six-foot-four husband barely fits. Even petite me has my nose in the corner and it's always more of a chore than a refresher to be in! THIS shower, is first of all gigantic with strong water pressure, and guess what? We weren't fighting over who got to stand in the stream of water! 

Now let's talk about my favorite part, equally my husband's favorite as well--the Mokara Spa up on the third floor! We have been married for nine years and we have never had a couples massage. Let me just tell you that I am now convinced we need to have one at LEAST a few times a year because hello, Heaven! The spa is absolutely stunning! There are seven massage treatment rooms, four manicure, and four pedicure stations, and there are an array of products you can buy to treat and take care of yourself. 

Inside the Spa's locker room, there is a beautiful and large shower. There is also a cedar sauna (I wish I had had more time to indulge in that but we were kind of on a time crunch to pick up our kiddos from the sitter--guess I'll just have to go back, right? Ha!) There were cold rags, fruit-infused ice water, and gorgeous vanities where you could sit and do your hair. Asa and I had an hour-long massage and truly, it was magical. The ladies had us choose which oil we preferred, lit a calming candle, and they both did a fabulous job helping us feel relaxed (especially since we had run nine miles together the day prior!)  I really want to go back some time this spring or summer and do that again, I have realized that I am not the greatest at being still and remaining calm--and the massage helped me do just that. 

I have SO much more to share about the Omni, but truthfully, I believe you need to head downtown and see for yourself. Allow yourself a moment to get away, eat some delicious food, enjoy some beverages, and definitely treat yourself to a Spa treatment. Asa and I ate at Neighborhood Services for dinner and we weren't disappointed ONE bit. This is a restaurant ran by renowned chef Nick Badovinus, featuring his signature self-described 'honest food and drink in the American tradition.' For an appetizer, we ordered the Hot Brown Tater Tots (oh my word, I'm making myself so hungry writing this, guys). Asa got the chicken and waffles as his entree and I ordered a giant salad with a side of mac n' cheese. ALL of it was SO good and we want to go back with friends soon! 

Last but not least, let me just say that I haven't ordered room service at a hotel since I was a KID and my parents were the ones paying--so this basically felt like real life heaven Sunday morning. We had crepes and vanilla yogurt with granola, fresh fruit, orange juice, and a pot of coffee.

Asa and I haven't had a weekend away from our house in a LONG time. We feel forever thankful to our sweet babysitter who stayed overnight with our kids and for the Omni, for making all of this possible.  

If you're planning a trip to Louisville, I give the Omni five stars. If you're local, go take a little staycation and enjoy the history of this beautiful city! You could even go for a date night or girls night, the options are limitless with all that this hotel has to offer. Dinner, drinks, bowling ALL in the same spot?! And valet parking to boot! 
 

Why Horse Hunting is THE Most Stressful Experience I've Endured

"What do you want for your birthday, Ash?" I think after my tenth birthday my parents probably stopped asking because my answer was always the same: 

a horse. 

I finally got to the point where I started just asking for a saddle. If I could get a saddle, then surely I'd be one step closer to owning a real live horse, right? 

I remember a couple of years ago I saw an old English saddle smack dab in the middle at a Goodwill. I don't have a clue how much they wanted for it but I ran over to my husband and exclaimed that I had to have it. "What are you going to do with a SADDLE?" he asked. "I don't know," I responded. "Hang it up somewhere? Just HAVE it?!"  

Needless to say, the poor saddle sat in our dark and dusty basement for another couple of years. Nowhere to display it, no horse to put it on, and back to the Goodwill it went when we sold our house. When we moved from one end of the city to another, I had zero hope that I would be anywhere near horses. We leaped at the chance to own a gorgeous house, newly built, with extra space, and as I glanced around the suburb, I remember thinking, "Nope...no horse for me for a while."  

And then upon driving and trying to get more familiar with the area, we went past a house that had a very pretty Bay horse, grazing in the pasture. I had a feeling that they just had the one, and I knew I had to contact them. If nothing else, I wanted to meet people in the area who would allow me to love on their horse! I prayed as I wrote a handwritten letter and I prayed again when I placed it in their mailbox. A couple of weeks later, and after feeling rather defeated, I had a message in my inbox from the owner. She stated that she would like to meet me and that they would *possibly* be open to allowing me to board one day in the future. 

At first, I texted cautiously every time I wanted to stop by and see their horse, Addie. Nonchalantly once I said, "Do you want me to check in with you when I'm planning to come? Please be honest!" and she said, "Nope! You don't ever need to check in, just come on by." I have told her often that she is one of the greatest blessings in my life, but seriously, I REALLY hope she knows! I started to feel so at peace and at ease and as many of you know, I visit Addie often. She'll see me coming from the yard and I holler, "Hi, Addie GIrl!!!" She whinnies SOOO loudly and mosies over to the fence. I climb through and I always tell her how much I love her. Addie has a Thyroid disorder and she also Founders easily; most often her gait is slow and some days, she prefers to just stay put--but she always welcomes me with her whinny, and rubs her head down my side. I've been telling her lately that I'm trying to bring her a friend, and her owner and I have had many conversations regarding this dream of mine. 

They gave me the green light recently, and have said that mid to late April would be ideal to bring a horse to live there. I want to cry and laugh and sing and dance and cry some more. Guys, this has been my dream since I can remember. I really think it was as young as kindergarten that I began to confess to everyone my love for horses. I dressed up as a jockey in fourth grade (and got in trouble for it because of the 'tight' pants; yeah my 4th-grade teacher hated me). And by my Sophomore year in college, I was hellbent that I was indeed going to leave Michigan, move to Kentucky, and pursue my dream of horses. At eighteen years old, I just did that. 

Flash forward and here we are. I've lived here for almost twelve years and you're telling me that this dream is finally becoming a REALITY!? 

Well, just like no one explained to me some really important things about childbirth and having a baby (like the fact you have to contract for hours on end AFTER the baby is delivered?! OH my word, Y'all! I was TICKED)--no one explained to me how heart-wrenching this process would be. A couple of weeks ago I met a horse and he is beautiful! He seemed perfectly sweet, well mannered, has been worked with a ton and would be a GREAT horse; but I left feeling reserved, unsure, and questioning if that's just what it feels like when you're searching for a horse. The following week I went to a different farm and met two horses: one 16'3 hand Thoroughbred and a 17' hand Canadian Warmblood. The Thoroughbred was tied near his stall and they shortly after brought out the Warmblood. "Both are so beautiful! This doesn't seem fair?" I said. But AS I said that, my feet, without me having any inclination that they were moving, carried me over to the Thoroughbred. Enter my heart falling head over heels in love with THE sweetest and gentlest giant ever, Bossy. 

My husband and I went to dinner that evening after he basically PULLED me from the barn and this horse. The entire time my mind was flooded with thoughts of Bossy, wanting to go back, missing him, wishing so badly I could just bring him HOME. The next day we had friends over and after they left, Asa said, "Go see Bossy. I know you want to, and it's okay." He didn't have to tell me twice; I changed clothes, grabbed a winter hat, and drove an hour to go kiss Bossy. Part of the problem though, at least for me, is that from the getgo, I have stated that my first horse HAS to be a sound horse. And it does. And it was very evident that this sweet, sweet horse has some stiffness, and that like all stiff joints, there has to be an underlying issue. Does it have to be big or drastic? No, not at all. Maybe he feels more comfortable with shoes? Perhaps he has a little bit of arthritis starting? And maybe he IS just simply sore from being worked and getting back into the routine of regular riding. There's absolutely ZERO way for me to know until I get a full pre-purchase vet exam. And waiting for that to happen is literally wrecking my heart. 

I've never done this before. I've never owned a horse; I've ridden most of my life, and am very comfortable around horses, regardless of how big and intimidating they may be to others. I literally feel like they are my soul mate, and don't hate me but I never dreamt of being a wife or a mom--I dreamt of being a horse owner. Thank Jesus that He called me to BE a wife and a mom and that I may just get the best of BOTH worlds, but this has to be one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I can't put into words what I'm feeling--I've been telling Asa and my mom that daily. I find myself just choking up and beginning to cry every time I talk about Bossy because I want this to work out SO badly. All my horse friends reassure me that my horse is out there. "If it's not Bossy, I promise you it's someone else," they say. And I KNOW they are right. I know that ALL horses are special for someone.

A gal on Instagram recently messaged me and said, "God has the perfect horse in mind for you. There'll always be another! They'll be DIFFERENT, but each one has their own special things to teach us." (Thank you, Ali, for this sweet, sweet message that really and truly, brought me peace this morning.) 

It's mostly hard because my heart hasn't been through this before. Sure, I've loved horses. Lots of them! And I love Addie! But there has never been the prospect of one being MINE. Guys, I used to pretend a gigantic red tricycle was a horse [his name was Ol' Red] and I tried daily to "walk" it around the front of the house to the windows I KNEW my mom could see me through, so she could SEE how well I could take care of a "horse." Oh. My. Word.

I envision my horse being an oversized teddy bear. One I can train to be a gentle giant to our family. Who I can teach our kids how to ride on. Who I can run to and bury my face into when I have good AND bad days. 

Is it Bossy? I don't know. Really I don't. His current owner is so kind and very patient with me. I hope to go and ride him this weekend, and his full vet check will be later next week. I'll have more answers then, and I'm just praying [hard] that I can keep it together better than I have the past couple of days in the meantime. I'm truthfully scared of the answers, regardless of what they're going to be. Pre-purchase exams are expensive, and on top of all the things I'll need to actually BUY said horse and get the things and products I need, it's just a LOT. That is one thing I am not naive about. I'm not a silly little girl living in la la land, dreaming of frolicking in pastures with my future horse one day. Except don't get me wrong, that WILL happen...but I KNOW horses are expensive. More than I can even imagine, necessarily budget for, and there are so many unknowns. 

I don't LIKE unknowns. 

But I was created by a God who KNOWS me. 

And as I often preach to others, I know that I have to release my anxiety, my fear, my questions, my doubt, and hand these rollercoaster emotions over to Him. 

I thought house hunting was stressful but by golly, this definitely has me beat! 

Lord, please be with me. PLEASE take the reins, and be with my future horse. Protect him, keep him safe from injuries, and show me exactly WHO he is. Be with my heart, as it's more than a wreck. I'm tired, I'm anxious, I don't want to do the wrong thing. I'm scared of failure--more with this than ANYTHING else. And I need YOU to tell me it's going to be okay. That you have my back. That you WILL tell me yes or no. That you will open and close doors. And that I will BE okay when all is said and done. I love you. And only want what you want.